


Some memories Don't dim

by brightsparx



Series: Life must go on [3]
Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Canonical Rape/Non-con, Gen, Past Sexual Assault, Rape Aftermath, Rape Recovery
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-29
Updated: 2016-11-18
Packaged: 2018-08-27 20:10:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 43
Words: 149,352
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8415055
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/brightsparx/pseuds/brightsparx
Summary: Olivia gets news that brings her past flooding back. Does time heal, or does it just bring enough distance to soften the feelings, to make them a little more bearable? How have the effects of Harris' attack on Olivia changed with time passing and post-Lewis. Have the details of Amanda's rape, at the hands of her previous commanding officer, being forced to light, changed Liv's perception of her own attacks? How will my imagined scenario force her to confront what happened... Post season 16.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Another story in the "Life must go on" series. It follows after "I told her that this was necessary" and "The Necklace". 
> 
> It could be read as a companion to my other stories but it is not essential. It is set post season 16, the background is all canon with a few added inconsequential details which are in line with my other story. I just couldn't get rid of the thought of how the effects of Harris' attack on Olivia have changed with time passing and post-Lewis, and how my imagined scenario forces her to confront what happened...

**A/N So this popped into my head as I heard the song _"Carry On"_ by _Fun_.**

 

It's strange how some memories don't seem to dim with time.

How some dates are enough to bring feelings tumbling back, with the same ferocity as when they first hit. A tidal wave of emotion that crashes onto you all at once, leaving you exposed and stumbling. Its aftershocks ebbing and flowing unpredictably, as you struggle to rebuild, with whatever the initial wave spared you.

There are some global events that can be completely summarized in just a day and a month. September 11th being a date, an event, a whole conversation, a full story, all rolled into a number and word. What feels like the whole of humanity, simultaneously being rocketed back, as phones, computers and watches complete the most mundane of tasks, announcing the new day's date, to a beautiful, sunny, Tuesday morning, when the world changed forever. There is no need to explain anything, it's all explained by the turning of the calendar every year, everyone instinctively just understanding.

Not all dates are so universally marked. To people outside of the US, 4th July is just another summer day, but here it is a public holiday, a day of celebration, of fireworks, picnics, and flags.

And then there are the personal dates, ones that celebrate a new life, commemorate the passing of a loved one, honor life's personal milestones in a day, a month, a year, shared only by a very select few.

But there are also dates that bear a huge significance for one person alone, annually marking things that are best left un-observed, but the recurrence of the date, as inevitable, as the memories that flood back with it.

February 26, 2008.

The date will never slide by me, unnoticed.

It can't, it has been burned too deeply into me. Right beside May 20. 2013 and April 1, 2014.

I can't help but wonder if dates are as interwoven with experiences, for other people, or do the carefully dated statements, interviews and paperwork that make up so much of my job as a cop, help to make me particularly conscious of dates and their import.

I'll never forget the date I first brought Noah home, or the date his adoption was made final, the happy memories momentarily making me smile, as I consider whether today's news has made this date worthy of making my mental catalogue?

I'm glad it was Fin who told me.

He is possibly the only one who really understands the significance of February 26, 2008, he shares its impact; it is never spoken of, but also never quite forgotten.

I know that as he stepped into my office, closing the door softly before reluctantly bringing up the subject, he expected some sort of reaction. Whether it was relief, or upset at the reminder, I know he expected much more than my blank face and _"Ok. Thanks..."._

I saw the worried frown he flashed me as he tried to explain whatever had happened, deepen, as I held up my hand to stop him, not wanting to know anymore.

I saw his hesitance to leave as I wordlessly returned to my interrupted paperwork, how he searched his mind for a way to draw me out, slowly nodding his acknowledgment of my need to be alone, turning towards the door.

_"Liv, I'm here...if you want..."_

I just nodded briefly without looking up from the letters swimming nonsensically on the page I am so carefully studying.

As I continue trying to process his news, I bury my head in my work, but I can feel his repeated, worried, glances in my direction.

My pretense at work feels ridiculous as the same page sits, unread, in front of me.

The reasonably sized office starts to feel increasingly cramped as my mind grapples to understand...my body starting to sweat despite the gentle, cool air flowing from the air-con vent. I am still not conscious of any feelings or reactions to his announcement, but I start to fight the feelings of being trapped in this glass box.

I exaggeratedly stretch my heavy limbs, trying to yawn convincingly, putting on a show for the man I am sure is watching me carefully. I showily sort through my purse, dramatically searching for change, hoping to silently communicate my need for some sort of refreshment, anything to reasonably justify getting out of this shrinking, glass, display case.

As I try to calmly stroll through the busy squad room, I make a show of counting through the coins in my hand, to try and avoid any eye contact or any sort of interaction.

When I reach the brightly lit vending machines in the hallway, I realize that I have no destination in mind. My only objective was to get out of my office. I know that I can't sit in the hallway without inviting unwanted attention, my eyes scan the area, mentally ticking off each doorway, until I land on the roof staircase door. I gladly burst through the door, all of a sudden craving the freedom and peace, of the outdoor area, taking the stairs as quick as my leaden legs will allow.

Silently muttering my thanks when I push the roof-door open and hear no alarm.

As I step into the bright summer sun, I throw my head back, closing my eyes tightly, allowing the warm rays to caress my face.

A gentle breeze occasionally flutters my hair.

I soak in the momentary freedom, from paperwork in a stuffy office, with windows that are mere decoration, and can never provide the fresh air they tantalizingly display.

The calm smile is wiped off my face as I remember what sent me running to the roof...

I quietly scan the roof space, ensuring I am alone.

As my eyes move across the enclosed concrete, I am reminded why I don't come up here anymore, why I have avoided this space for years. Images of El and me flash through my mind. Memories of how this place provided me with some respite from the worst of days, how it calmed me, how he, many times, found me up, how we sat and talked, make me smile, but also remind me of his absence.

Even though he wasn't a major part of the events that have seared February 26, into my soul, I wish he was here now, for the end of what he saw begin.

It feels like he should be here for this. This place, further deepens the already aching void that he is not here for this news. I try to fight against the feeling that everyone leaves me. El is gone, Cragen is gone, Munch is gone, even Nick, the partner I was unwelcoming to, but who became a valued friend and unwavering supporter, has now left me.

I stand against the low wall running around the perimeter, looking out onto the city, finally allowing myself to feel...

I'm surprised that now, as I give myself permission to feel whatever it is that awaits me, all that I am greeted by is emptiness. Not nothing, a gnawing emptiness that threatens to suck whatever remains of me, into its yawning abyss.

I know I should be relieved, his twenty year life sentence meant that I always knew the day would come when I would have to face his release, now I am spared that.

I should be angry that he didn't serve his time. That, whatever the means, he cheated justice.

I should feel a type of freedom, from the guilt of not pursuing my own charges against him. From the guilt of not doing what I could, to try and increase his term of imprisonment, to further forestall his release.

I should be glad he is gone but I just feel empty.

As I look down, I am comforted by the familiar sounds of the city, traffic moving slowly past, impatient yellow cab drivers leaning on car horns to communicate their sincere annoyance, the sound of countless people scurrying along the streets, hawkers loudly announcing their wares to oblivious commuters and curious tourists. I smell the unique smell of summer in the city, the mix of many different foods, stale coffee and rotting summer garbage.

Intermittently the familiar cacophony of sounds is broken by shouts, or the screech of brakes, or wafts of music carried past my rooftop perch from unidentifiable sources.

There are many different styles of music and song softly melding into a comforting melodic fusion, until a few distinct piano notes and strumming guitar cut through the jumbled din, distinct and clear. I know from its clarity it has to be close, a nearby open window or roof...I begin to listen to the vaguely familiar radio fodder from a while ago, as I try to identify its source.

**_'You swore and said we are not_ **

**_We are not shining stars_ **

**_This I know_ **

**_I never said we are'_ **

It feels as though this song is calling to me, lulling me into a calm, reminding me that I cannot control everything.

**_'Though I've never been through hell like that_ **

**_I've closed enough windows to know you can never look back'_ **

Oddly this song though familiar to me, is not really known and yet it feels like it is being played specifically for me...

**_'If you're lost and alone_ **

**_Or you're sinking like a stone_ **

**_Carry on'_ **

I give up my quest to find its source, contenting myself to just listen to its strangely encouraging and perfectly pitched lyrics.

As silence greets the end of the tune, I can't help but recognize that I **have** been through the hell that the unnamed singer hasn't.

I've closed so many windows and doors in my journey to this point; I struggle to even remember what was behind all of them.

I am very lost today. Lost in the memories that have crashed upon me once more, as I heard the news of his death.

I feel alone, despite the fact that I am surrounded by people who care. I know that any one of my squad, my family, would be more than happy for me to share my pain with them... I know how the man who has quietly become my best friend, would be at my side as quick as he possibly could, were I to call him... And yet I am on the roof of the precinct alone... I'm sinking into the abyss of emptiness like the stone the singer talks of, and I'm desperately trying to carry on...

The realization that this song has perfectly encapsulated my feelings brings tears to my eyes. It feels odd that news of his demise, while welcomed, hasn't brought a deluge of emotion, it has only reminded me how broken I still am.

February 26, 2008, that's over seven, long, years ago. How am I not further along the healing process by now?

As I start to calculate the time passed, I can't help but think of Amanda, how she faced her own demon, after five years of silent suffering, not so long ago.

I try to convince myself that it's not even remotely the same thing, I got counseling, I told some people...hell, I even recently told Rafael, accidentally, when the words slipped un-noticed out of my lips, but I didn't keep it to myself. I know how ridiculous it is, to be counting 'accidentally' telling someone about what happened, as desperate proof of some positive, but I didn't report it. I am a Special Victims Unit Police Officer and I couldn't bring myself to file charges against my own attacker. Somehow when you betray the victims you have spent your work life advocating for, with your silence, every person who shares the knowledge of your 'secret' helps you live with yourself.

The words had tumbled from my mouth as I talked with Rafael after the plea deal that found Amanda some semblance of peace, and some punishment for her rapist. I understood her confusion, her pain, her guilt when the man who had hurt her so deeply returned to her life, and obliterated the separation she had spent years building, between her old department, her old Chief who had so grievously betrayed her trust, from the woman who couldn't report her rape. I couldn't help but imagine how I would cope if my hidden past returned to haunt me, and the words in my head were vocalized before I could stop them. I never meant to tell Rafael, but I found a strange peace in knowing that he knew, and it didn't change anything.

He can't hurt me now though. I will never have to worry about coming face to face with him. He will never be free again. He is dead. **Lowell Harris is dead.**

As I really begin to understand that he is dead, gone, I start to wonder how it happened? Was it natural causes? Did his heart just stop, as he peacefully slept? Or did he make one too many enemies? Did his character encourage another prisoner to speed his journey to his life's end? Was he stabbed, bleeding slowly, allowing him to feel a little of the terror he inflicted on so many women? Did he take his own life?

The question I couldn't hear the answer to, when Fin offered it earlier, now refuses to be pushed aside. I need to know what caused him to die.

I also need to know how Fin knew? Is it possible that all these years later, Fin has kept tabs on him? Why would he do that? I can't help but wonder how the quiet man who saved me from his intended course of action, feels today, at the news he seemed so reluctant to share with me? Other than the support group and therapist I attended at the time, Fin was the person who knew the most about what happened. He was always there for me, even when my undiagnosed PTSD threatened my job, my career, all that I had left, we never really spoke in detail about that day. He knows that Harris had manhandled me, threatened me, beaten me, but he arrived in time to stop anything more. He knows how badly affected I was. How I struggled, even though I never expressly told him. He kept my secrets; about the assault, about my therapy. He silently supported me, always. He offered to talk, more times than I can count. We occasionally spoke but we have never had an in-depth conversation about it, and I'm worried that now it may be too hard to avoid any longer.

As I hear the door bang open behind me, I greet the man I knew it would be, tentatively. Gratefully accepting the proffered coffee and zip-up sweatshirt, unsure how to start the long put-off conversation...

_"Fin..."_

My words immediately fail me. He nods softly, silently agreeing to help me find a way into this discussion...

_"You've been up here a long time. I looked in a few places before I remembered how you used to like it up here...I thought you might be thirsty and it's starting to cool down..."_

He gestures around, and I realize that the sun is nearly gone for another day.

_"I guess I needed some time..."_ I softly admit.

He nods his understanding, _"I've checked on you a couple of times..."_

A small smile forces its way through, as I realize the banging door was his way of announcing himself, so he wouldn't scare me.

_"Fin, how did he die?"_


	2. Don't give up

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N This is inspired in part by the lyrics of "Don't give up" by Peter Gabriel.

_"Fin, how did he die?"_

My body flinches and tenses as I hear my own question, bracing itself for his answer.

He looks down, his head turning slightly away from me, his jaw tensing as he bites down hard, trying to fight away some sort of emotion. He clamps his eyes tightly shut. It is all too apparent now, how badly the news has affected him and I feel real guilt.

His eyes flick to me as he softly clears his throat.

_"There hasn't been an autopsy yet, but it looks like he just had a heart attack..."_

I nod at him.

I know I'm disappointed. It sounds callous, but I wanted him to suffer somehow. To know some of the terror he caused others. It feels like it was too easy.

_"I don't have any details yet, it only happened..."_

His voice trails off, and again I can see him fighting off some emotion.

_"Fin,...I don't know how I feel...How should I feel?...I'm glad he's gone...I wish, it maybe, hadn't been so easy for him?..."_

He nods and I realize one of the emotions he is fighting is anger.

_"He should have died screaming, I wish I'd have killed him when I had the chance..."_

This is not the first time I've heard Fin say these words, I heard him say the same about Johnny D and Lewis. Somehow though, now, those same words surprise me.

_"Why?..."_ I barely whisper.

He shrugs, a non-committal, _'why not?'_ kind of answer.

But as he looks at me, he understands I need more.

_"Liv, he was so close to..."_ He looks at me carefully, his eyes narrowing as he weighs up how much he should say, _"...he would have raped you...I have no doubt...all that stopped him before I got there was that you fought him so hard...when he had you cuffed to that door...there was nothing left to stop him..."_

I just nod at him, trying not to go back there, not to see it, not to feel it.

_"Liv, I was your backup! While I was standing waiting to get tested, waiting for the nurse to get more needles, you were fighting him...on your own..."_

His eyes drop again, but not before I could see the guilt and upset in them.

_"Fin it wasn't your fault. You got there. You saved me."_

He shakes his head sadly. _"No Liv, you saved yourself! As always, you saved yourself."_

His tone is bitter, biting, filled with disgust at himself and self loathing.

_"I could easily have been too late..."_ he murmurs.

I understand, in that moment, that we should have talked years ago. That I wasn't the only one who had struggled to leave Sealview behind me, that we needed to talk this through.

_"Fin. I didn't think you would be able to find me. I didn't expect you to save me. When you weren't there when Parker cuffed me, I knew you couldn't get away, you had a cover to maintain, same as I did. When Harris took me away to the hole, I was so relieved; I thought Parker was the problem. When_ _Parker had me pushed over the table, I was starting to panic, so when Harris took me instead, I was so reassured that I was ok... I couldn't have found my way to that basement again. I didn't pay any heed to how we got there. I lost focus. Harris had seemed so human, I didn't feel threatened by him. By the time, I understood I was in trouble, I knew you wouldn't be able to help me. We didn't suspect Harris and I had no idea where I was. When you burst in and told him to let me go, I was beyond grateful but I was shocked. I didn't expect help. I knew when I went in there, I would be on my own... You feel you somehow let me down or failed me. I feel you went so far above and beyond for me, you found me, you saved me."_

He is looking at me as I speak, carefully listening to every word until I tell him how he feels he let me down and his head drops down in shamed confirmation.

When I tell him I feel the exact opposite he just shakes his head. Refusing to accept my words.

_"Fin, I had screamed for help, I had fought,...I had lost...I didn't scream for help anymore, because I knew there was no way you could possibly help me...I screamed no, I screamed at him to let me go...when you came in I thought it wasn't possible, I thought I was imagining you..."_

Now it's me who has their eyes pulled tightly closed as I remember the terror, his hands pulling my head towards him...the tears breaking through as I feel the memory of mind-boggling relief, how it was so implausibly farfetched that Fin had somehow found me, that I didn't allow myself to believe it.

As the tears flow down my cheeks, I can't help but remember how so many of the worst nights were saved only by the thought that he had been there for me.

Maybe it was the song I heard earlier but I remember a night when it felt like I had nothing left and the radio reminded me I did. The song played becoming an instant favorite with a meaning I could never hope to explain to anyone. A song that still now has immense power every time I hear it. I summon it forward in my head, hearing its familiar lyrics play in my head...

I know I need to somehow communicate what this song means for me, for him to really understand...

_"Fin, we should have talked about this so long ago...When the PTSD got bad, there were so many nights... knowing how hard you fought to find me, to save me, gave me a reason to go on..."_

I mentally hit play on the song that has been one of the most played on every device capable of playing music, that I have had in those intervening years.

As I hear its familiar chords play in my head, its comfort is so powerful that even its remembrance calms me.

**_'I was taught to fight, taught to win_ **

**_I never thought I could fail_ **

**_No fight left or so it seems_ **

**_I am a man whose dreams have all deserted_ **

**_I've changed my face, I've changed my name_ **

**_But no-one wants you when you lose'_ **

I use the lyrics I know so well to help me. Those words that could have been written for me in that situation, helping me to find my own words, timidly explaining how I felt during those sleepless nights...

_"Fin, I was a cop, I could handle myself, I never thought I could be overpowered like that, in a fair one-on-one fight... I had no hope... I was resigning myself to what losing meant...what Harris would do to me... and how my failure would cost me my job and my friends."_

**_'Don't give up_ **

**_'cos you have friends_ **

**_Don't give up_ **

**_You're not beaten yet_ **

**_Don't give up_ **

**_I know you can make it good'_ **

_"Even when I was giving up, my friends weren't giving up on me, you didn't give up on me. Fin, you found me. You saved me. You had my back."_

**_'Though I saw it all around_ **

**_Never thought that I could be affected'_ **

_"I knew that no-one is immune, anyone can fall victim, but somehow no matter how well I knew this, I just never really believed it could be me. I never thought it would be me..."_

**_'Don't give up_ **

**_'cause somewhere there's a place_ **

**_Where we belong_ **

**_Rest your head_ **

**_You worry too much_ **

**_It's going to be alright_ **

**_When times get rough_ **

**_You can fall back on us_ **

**_Don't give up_ **

**_Please don't give up_ **

**_Don't give up_ **

**_'cause you have friends_ **

**_Don't give up_ **

**_You're not the only one_ **

**_Don't give up_ **

**_No reason to be ashamed_ **

**_Don't give up_ **

**_You still have us_ **

**_Don't give up now_ **

**_We're proud of who you are_ **

**_Don't give up_ **

**_You know it's never been easy'_ **

_"I know I shouldn't but I felt ashamed...all those feelings we try to convince victims are misplaced, I felt them...but I couldn't give up, I couldn't let you, all of you, down..."_

So many nights I had sobbed myself to sleep listening to these words, over and over. Especially as the PTSD started to really bite, these words were a reminder, a reason to keep going when I wasn't sure there was one. I can't explain, I hope he understands how I feel.

I can see that he is dropping his guard, letting me see the tears in his eyes. He takes a few breaths calming himself, before he speaks.

_"Liv, it wasn't a fair fight...he had a baton, you were handcuffed... I hate that you felt ashamed, you had no reason to be ashamed... I still can't quite believe how you fought him off..."_

He unknowingly mirrors the words of the song, reaching in and hugging me tightly.

_"How did you hear, Fin?"_

_"A contact of Stabler's works corrections...Stabler put me in touch with him soon after he was imprisoned..."_

I flinch at his mention of El's name, immediately curious to know has he heard from him, been in touch with him all this time?

_"I haven't heard from Stabler. If he tried to contact me, I'd gladly knock him out for how he carried on..."_ He quickly adds, knowing how his comment must have made me wonder.

_"He asked me a couple of times what happened, Liv. Did you ever tell him?"_

I shake my head quickly.

_"Why not Liv?"_

_"I don't know, I tried to tell myself it was to protect him, or to protect myself from the fit he would have thrown"_ I roll my eyes, remembering a classic Stabler fit, his face turning bright red, his jaw clenching, his hands curling themselves into tight fists... _"but I think it just would have made it too real. I was ashamed I let Harris get the drop on me,... that I couldn't have saved myself,...that I didn't report it..."_

He purses his lips together, as he considers what I have just admitted.

_"You still feel that way?"_

I can't help the sinking feeling that greets his question. I want, with every fiber of my being to tell him no, I know it wasn't my fault, but I force myself to tell him the brutal truth. I nod once, a tiny dip of my head that would be almost imperceptible if I didn't have his full attention. My teeth gently hold my bottom lip, to stop it trembling, trying to hide my fear.

_"Its not as strong anymore but...I feel weak...and then when Lewis..."_

I just don't have any words. I'm not sure there are the words, in any language, to explain it. I can't even try...

My watery eyes reach up to his, pleading for some sort of help or escape...

He is no longer making any attempt to hide his feelings, his anguish clear in his tight set mouth, the tears dancing in his eyes as he silently makes it clear that I need to tell him, to tell myself...

_"I can't Fin. I can't..."_

My voice is soft, wavering. My pain, anguish and upset is more than clear in the short sentence. He lifts his head quickly, in a _'come on'_ type of gesture, his eyes never leaving mine. His hand reaches for mine, gripping it tightly, letting me know that he is not leaving, no matter what I say...

I close my eyes, powerless to halt the streams of tears, sighing deeply, struggling to keep the tiny control I have left...

_"I feel like a fraud..."_

I can see his surprise at these words as he tries to figure them out but he nods approvingly, silently telling me to continue.

_"Harris and then Lewis...I was so unlucky...but yet...two proven, serial, rapists and they didn't...It doesn't feel like I have a right to feel like this...It feels like...Why all these years later is his name enough to strike such fear into me? Why does even the memory of his face make me want to melt into a puddle? He didn't even rape me?..."_

I know he didn't mean for me to hear his sharp intake of breath, he just couldn't help it. I know I have said too much, I can't face him, I can't bear to see him confirm how ridiculous, how attention seeking I am.

I slide down to sit against the perimeter wall, its rough brick scraping my back. My legs pulling up, my head leaning down against my knees, as if my body was not capable of supporting itself without my pulled up knees and the wall.

_"Liv...I'm so sorry..."_

He has dropped to his knees in front of me, carefully recapturing my hand in his.

_"Liv...I need you to look at me..."_

I can hear tears in his voice and I hate myself even more. I close my eyes tightly, like a child who thinks that what they can no longer see, has somehow vanished from existence.

_"Liv...please...I need you to look at me..."_

I want nothing more than to run away, to not have this conversation, to not see his face. My legs won't allow me to run away and my pride demands that I salvage some sort of dignity, so I try to paint on a mask, and slowly raise my head, my eyes scanning the area before finally reluctantly coming to rest on his.

_"Liv...I'm so sorry...I didn't know...I didn't realize...You've put on too good a front...all these years..."_

I can see how hard he is battling to find words, his pain threatening to overpower him completely.

_"Its fine Fin. It's stupid. I haven't even thought about it in years..."_ I scramble to back track, desperately hoping he can't see the lie in my words.

_"Don't say that..."_ he growls at me.

_"Liv, I know how hard it is for you to feel vulnerable, don't lie to me..."_

His eyes are like lasers now, piercing my soul, his anger at my quick about-face diluted only with pain.

_"I'm not going to insult you with the speech we give everyone who comes to us, you know every word, you believe it, you know it is the truth. Don't compare your pain to anyone else's. What you went through is no less because they didn't rape you. They both intended to...don't doubt that..."_

I can't hold contact with his penetrating stare, my eyes dropping guiltily as he confirms what I know...

_"Harris didn't **rape** you because you fought him off, you gave me long enough to find you, and then when he was about to, he couldn't...you knew what was about to happen, you were getting ready for it?"_

I feel like a fool, but I cannot control the sniffling as my tears speed up, and the crying spreads from just my eyes to my whole body. My chest jumping sharply, at each sniffle, as his words echo through my brain, _'you were getting ready for it?'_

_"I didn't want him to...it just felt like it was going to happen...I couldn't stop the thoughts..."_

_"Oh Baby Girl. It's not an accusation, I just realised... I can't imagine the terror...how you must have felt...so when it didn't happen, instead of relief, you felt like a fraud?"_

I still can't bear to look at him, I can hear and feel his tears, as they drip on the hand he has clasped to him. He seems to understand but...

_"I felt relief...but..."_

I can't even claim to have control over what I say at this point, I would love to say that I hope to explain myself so I don't seem so crazy, but the words choose themselves.

_"...I nearly wish, sometimes,...I know I was lucky but maybe if he had...I would feel like I am entitled to feel like this..."_

_"Liv...I know you feel crazy for saying that,...but it makes sense."_

I expected he would try and comfort me, maybe try to talk me out of it. I never expected this. My eyes meet his in surprise...

_"Liv, I saw the state you were in, I didn't understand it fully then, but now...it makes sense. You didn't expect anyone was coming...you knew what was about to happen, you were out of options, all you could do was try to protect yourself in any way you could. You tried to prepare yourself. Mentally, you were already suffering it... It doesn't make what you suffered any less...it makes it worse, because you feel like this..."_

I fall into him shaking, sobbing...

_"I want him to be dead... I want him to have suffered...but I don't want my chance to fix it all, to be gone...I want to still have a chance to confront him...to show him that he didn't ruin me..."_

_"I know baby..."_ he mutters softly.

_"It feels like nobody has to answer for what they've done to me...Lewis shot himself, he chose to die,... to escape,... he tried to frame me for it...he told me he wanted it to be the last thing I ever see...he wanted it to haunt me...but he never had to account for what he did...and now Harris...I knew he would never be called to legally account for what he did to me, that was my fault, I was too afraid...I was scared I would lose my job, my friends...I didn't want to be like my mother...but now he's gone...I really thought that eventually I could confront him...but I can't...I can't because Lowell Harris is dead..."_


	3. Red Rain

**This chapter is inspired, in particular, by a line from _'Red Rain'_ by _Peter Gabriel._**

**_'I come to you defenses down,_ **

**_With the trust of a child'_ **

****

****

_"It feels like nobody has to answer for what they've done to me...Lewis shot himself, he chose to die,... to escape,... he tried to frame me for it...he told me he wanted it to be the last thing I ever see...he wanted it to haunt me...but he never had to account for what he did...and now Harris...I knew he would never be called to legally account for what he did to me, that was my fault, I was too afraid...I was scared I would lose my job, my friends...I didn't want to be like my mother...but now he's gone...I really thought that eventually I could confront him...but I can't...Lowell Harris is dead..."_

There are no more words. I sit on the still warm concrete, as it possessively clings to the sun's heat, even as the orange ball dips below the buildings for another day, and evening softly, starts to fall.

Fin drops down beside me, his arm winding around my shoulders loosely, and I drop my head to rest on his broad shoulder. I can't help but reflect on how much of this incident he has carried on those shoulders, for all this time.

The all-encompassing emptiness that threatened me earlier, has snuck up on me unseen, and taken me for its own.

I struggle to conjure up the familiar image of his face, the official picture from his file; a smiling, uniformed, man, the monster still safely masked. But I cannot find that image, all I can see is a disheveled, wild-eyed, bleeding monster, dragging a baton along a fence. As with Harris, I can't find the image of the handsome, charming man that so many saw in Lewis. I can only find the grotesquely scarred, dead eyed, demon, spitting venom at me, his eyes lighting up, only, as I scream in pain.

The faces that have haunted so many nightmares have left no room for any variations.

I try to imagine how he may have changed in the last seven years in prison.

I wonder did he come to realize what he did to me, to Risa, to Ashley, to all those other women?

I know that realization, even if it did come, may not have had the result I hoped for. I can't forget how Lewis knew what he had done to me. How he understood, better than I did at that time, the effect he had on me, on my life. I can't help but remember how he took a sick perverse pleasure in it, and how much he enjoyed telling me about it.

How, as he took me from the car to Amelia, in the granary, on our last day, his last day,... he knew when he touched me, I was having a flashback. He told me PTSD was real. He knew that I woke up in my own bed, covered in a cold sweat, thinking he was in the room with a gun to my head. He tried to tell me how it is nothing to be ashamed of, how all 'his girls' go through it, how he was 'an agent of change'. He told me he altered the trajectory of people's lives, they might have hopes and dreams before they run into him, but then life as they know it is gone. He knew how getting out of a car, opening a door, or hearing a sound makes me think of him. I tried to deny it, I told him he was wrong. I denied that I have dreams about him. He knew that I had nobody in my life; that Brian had to be gone. He asked did I find it hard to trust after what we went through, that there's a tendency to isolate, to withdraw, how he hoped I was seeing a therapist. He asked me to promise I would, he told me how my therapist probably sat there with me, telling me I'm working through it, how I can be whole again, but he's lying, what he does, nobody ever recovers from.

I know that I will never forget these words. They are seared into my memory. The unconscionable, hideous, calculating, cruelty of his carefully chosen remarks, struck much deeper than any of his physical actions that day, at my shattered spirit.

I have held that detail inside me, unable to share it, with anyone, not therapist or friend, until recently. When, again, the unintended words spilled out to Rafael. I could see him struggle to understand. I could feel his pain, as he somehow soothed mine. How his gentle words confirmed the horror that words could, in fact, hurt more than sticks and stones, and fire and fists. That burned, torn flesh heals quicker and with less scarring than such agony.

I know how most victims will keep at least one secret, something that is too personal, too hard to admit, too difficult to put into words and I know that this is my secret from my second time with Lewis.

My hand finds its way to the gold pendant hanging around my neck, I grasp it tightly, amazed how it helps me find a way through the jumbled mess of my thoughts.

 _"Fin, why did you never tell anyone, even when things got bad?"_ I ask turning to look at him.

_"It wasn't my story to tell."_

_"But it is Fin. I didn't know, all these years, but we've both struggled to leave Sealview behind us..."_

He frowns as he considers this. _"No Liv. I've felt guilty I wasn't there for you, I've been disgusted by what he did and what he was about to do...but it's not the same...It was your decision, because it was your experience."_

_"What if we hadn't got him for Ashley's rape?"_

He shrugs. _"We both know that reporting doesn't guarantee anything. We know better than anyone how unjust the justice system can be. I would have supported you, no matter what. And I know what it took for you to bring that 'evidence' to light. You know, that even though it may never have been said out loud, everyone knew there was only one way you could have known Ashley's description of a mole was accurate?"_

The tears start to fall again, as I nod. _"Melinda wouldn't let it go, she asked out straight."_

He nods his approval, tucking me further into his embrace.

_"I knew that Cragen figured it out the minute he read my reports. El asked plenty of times, but didn't push..."_

Fin chuckles at this. _"He may not have pushed you, but he went nuts. I think more than a few lockers, and even walls, earned new dings when he figured it out. He wanted to kill me...for not having your back."_

He straightens up, his face turning serious, _"We only cared about you. Nobody judged your decision. Once you were safe and getting whatever help you needed, we were there for you."_

 _"Liv, the only thing that worries me is..."_ he seems to just forget he was talking, and I can see his thoughts are far away. Whatever he is seeing is causing him pain, his jaw is clenched and his eyes, though closed, can't hide the tears gathering.

 _"...whatever you hid, after Lewis..."_ his voice is so soft, I can barely hear him, as he squeezes his eyes tighter, not wanting to inadvertently see my secrets play across my face.

_"I don't need to know your secrets, Baby Girl, just tell me you got all the help you needed..."_

I bury my head against his chest. I can't breathe. I'm sure that he knows that it wasn't justified self-defense, when I beat Lewis in the beach house. I remember his disgust that Lewis was still alive, and his reassurance _"You did what you had to do..."._

I don't know how much detail Fin heard about what happened. I know he is incredibly perceptive, how he can read between the lines to find truth, and his question un-nerves me. I don't know what he is referring to and I'm too afraid to ask him.

I just nod, trying very hard to swallow the lump that has almost blocked my throat. He rubs my back gently, no doubt trying to comfort me, but it feels like the circles he is rubbing on my back, are stirring my nerves into my already queasy stomach. I sit forward a little, pulling the end into the zip, closing the sweatshirt I had wrapped around my body, hoping he doesn't see my ulterior motive in the movement.

He looks at me carefully. _"You getting cold?..."_

I just shrug, my eyes cast down, in the hopes he can't see my fear and guilt.

 _"Barba must be having a fit by now."_ I can't help my head snapping up at the odd statement.

 _"He poked his head out a while ago..."_ He answers my silent question, gesturing over at the door.

Now I am completely confused. Why would Barba be here so late in the day, we had no plans to go over any cases, and no new case had demanded his presence? Why would he come up here looking for me? This is not somewhere I have been since El left me...

I can see him looking at my confusion, in mild amusement. Now I start to get irritated and flash him a look that tells him not to mess with me.

He raises his hands a little, in apology, as he recognizes I really am confused.

_"My guess would be that the Counselor put a query on Harris' file, and he heard the news..."_

My mouth falls open at his statement. How could he know Rafael knew about Harris?

 _"I told him, at one point, that you'd been through more than he could know,... he wasn't curious..."_ He shrugs as if it had been obvious.

_"You know he cares about you Liv? He wouldn't be able to not know everything he could about the guy who had hurt you..."_

I'm floored again by Fin's ability to completely read a situation. I know now, that Rafael must have heard the news of his death, and had come straight across to break it to me, not wanting me to hear it without some support. Again my hand finds its way to the necklace I never take off.

_"He's a good guy Liv."_

This somehow feels like a sign of approval. It inexplicably panics me, and I try to explain, _"Fin, he's a friend, there's nothing going on..."_

He raises his hands in surrender, _"Ok Liv, don't shoot..."_ he smiles widely at me.

I chuckle at his speedy back-down, softly punching his arm.

 _"C'mon lets get in, **before** you **do** get cold!"_ He gently pulls me to my feet, leading me to the door. He stops and turns around, _"I'm always here...if you ever need to talk..."_. He opens the door and steps back for me to head down the stairs first.

As I re-enter the squad room, I can see how long I have been gone, in the changed faces, the moved furniture, in the ceiling lights and lamps now illuminating the room.

Amanda's head rises from her desk as I walk past; she just nods at me, subtly checking I am ok. I return a tight smile, and she drops her head down again, but not before I see her brow furrow as she wonders what precipitated my flight. I can't help but smile again, as I realize that only her partner's presence had stopped her storming after me.

Carisi is muttering at his computer, scratching his head, at whatever he is working on.

I turn my attention to my office to see the familiar, slicked back hair sitting in his usual seat.

I know he is there for me, I don't want to call him Barba or Counselor, but anything else would be unusual in work, so I say nothing as I slip into my office quietly, closing the door behind me.

He leaps to his feet as he sees me walking into the office, his arms start to raise towards me and he quickly pulls them down, clasping his hands behind his back, gesturing to the empty couch with his eyes, following me over.

 _"Liv, I'm so sorry..."_ a hand runs through his hair while its twin snakes across the couch to mine, clasping it tightly, his thumb lightly stroking my fingers.

 _"You put some sort of notification on his file?"_ My question is quiet, my voice dead.

He nods, his green eyes searching to see if he needs to prepare a defense.

Any other day, I would be livid at both him and Fin. I would remind them how I was perfectly capable of looking after myself. But today's news has softened my view. I understand they don't wish to undermine me, their attempt to protect me is not because they think I can't do it myself, it's because they care. They want to spare me any hurt they can.

_"Thank you Rafael"_

His eyes widen in unexpected, amazement. He quickly tries to hide his astonishment, as he fiddles with buttons, slowly opening his soft, grey vest. Then I can see worry fill his features, as he recognizes how uncharacteristic my easy, acceptance of help, is.

_"How are you Liv?"_

I have no answer. I'm not trying to hide my feelings, to pretend I'm fine when I'm not. I just don't know how to answer.

**_'And I can't watch any more_ **

**_No more denial_ **

**_It's so hard to lay down in all of this'_ **

He seems to understand as he studies my blank face.

_"Can I take you home?"_

I don't even nod, I just stand up and start gathering my things. This time he doesn't show any surprise, he nods, and gathers his stuff.

**_'I come to you defenses down_ **

**_With the trust of a child'_ **

As we walk out of the squad room, I see that my team has left. I'm sure they only waited to see I was ok, and Fin hurriedly sent them home before anyone could ask difficult questions.

As I step into the elevator, all of a sudden, I feel the weight of the day's events pressing down on me. When the doors slide closed I allow the hand Rafael has placed in the small of my back to help support me for a moment, leaning into him.

**_'Putting the pressure on much harder now_ **

**_To return again and again'_ **

As I sit into his car, he throws his briefcase and jacket carelessly into the back, sliding into the drivers seat beside me, his hand reaching for mine.

I look into his concern filled eyes.

_"He's dead, Rafael. Harris is dead. He can't hurt me anymore."_

He nods sadly, knowing that this fact brings more upset than comfort.

_"Lowell Harris can't hurt anyone anymore, Liv."_


	4. Broken Halllujah

**This is based around the song _'Hallelujah'_ by _Leonard Cohen_. The song is beautiful in any of it's versions but I cannot get over the version sung by Raul Esparza on YouTube. He lives the song, I love his voice, I love his passion...its raw emotion. The line that inspired me is**

**_'It's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah'_ **

 

 

_"He's dead, Rafael. Harris is dead. He can't hurt me anymore."_

He nods sadly, knowing that this fact brings more upset than comfort.

_"Lowell Harris can't hurt anyone anymore, Liv."_

I just nod, knowing it's true but finding no safety or solace in it.

He takes my hand in his, softly kissing it, trying to comfort and reassure me, before we leave the precinct.

As I sit hunched in the passenger seat, streets flying by me, unseen, unnoticed, I start to dissect my conversation with Fin. I can't believe that I didn't realize how much he has been hurting all this time. I was too wrapped up in myself, to see how he felt. I hate that he felt guilty; there was nothing for him to feel guilty about, he saved me. When I had given up, he hadn't.

I should have tried to talk more about he felt, instead of hijacking the conversation for myself. Oh god, why did I tell him all that?

I never wanted him to know I felt like that. How is he going to come to work tomorrow and trust me to do my job? How will he ever look at me without thinking how I was getting ready to let Harris rape me? It was bad enough when he thought I had fought him off with all my might, but lost...now he knows that when I lost I was just sitting there waiting...

I almost said that I wished Lewis and Harris raped me, what was I thinking? It might be how I feel, but it's not something anyone needs to hear. It's definitely not something you say, out loud, to an SVU detective you expect to take orders from you tomorrow on how to deal with rape victims.

And possibly the worst bit, what secrets does he think I am keeping? Does he think I let Lewis rape me and get away with it? What kind of person does he think I am?

Oh god...

Oh no...

He knows what type of person I am, he knows I let one attacker walk, why not a second one?

How can I fix this?

Maybe that's why he didn't want to talk to me anymore? Maybe I disgusted him so much that he couldn't wait to get away from me?

I fight desperately to hold on to the last of my resolve, I cannot stop my face from dropping, I can't stop the pain my face is telegraphing but I refuse to allow my tears to take over. It feels like it is all I have done for too long. I won't allow myself to spend another night crying on this man's shoulder.

I can hear Rafael questioning me, as he sees my face, asking frantically _"What's wrong? What has happened? What are you thinking, Liv?"_ as he quickly pulls the car into a parking space outside my home. He stops the car, immediately turning to me, pleading with me to tell him what has caused the pain he can see so clearly etched on my face.

His arms reach for me but I shake my head, refusing his efforts to comfort me, pushing my body up against the door. I want, more than anything, to just surrender to his embrace, to allow him to comfort me but I need to keep the last vestiges of control. He doesn't react, just nods and puts his hands down on his knees, but his eyes never leave me as his voice soothingly tells me _"It's ok, Liv. You're ok. He's gone. Nobody is going to hurt you. What has upset you? Tell me? You can tell me anything...?"_

 _"I'm ok..."_ my shaky voice doesn't even convince me, but he is too kind to call me on the obvious lie, he just follows my lead as I gather my things and head up towards my apartment.

I know that Rafael is taking his cues from me, allowing me to feel in control, when so much else seems to be spinning out of my control; he is trying to help restore some sense of power back to me.

He allows me to lead the way, with a gentle hand on my lower back, making sure I can feel his presence, his support. I know he is there to protect me, to support me, but I appreciate that he isn't smothering me.

As we enter my home, he throws his things on a nearby chair, looking around the room for Lucy, for Noah. Lucy peeks out from Noah's room when she hears the door, _"Hey Liv, sorry he didn't sleep well during the day, he's just gone down..."._

I feel horrible even thinking it, but much as I want to hold my baby boy to my chest and not let him go, I can't deal with him now. I have nothing to give him. He will feel my upset, I never understood it before Noah, but now I know that young kids feel their parents' emotions. I don't want to upset him and I don't think I could deal with a cranky toddler. I'm sure everyone would understand, but I feel like the worst mother on the planet, I feel selfish, I feel like a bad person...

_"That's ok, Lucy, don't worry. Thank you..."_

She smiles widely at Rafael as he helps her into her jacket, smiling again, over at me, as she takes her leave, promising to be back nice and early in the morning to allow me get a jump on the paperwork that always manages to accumulate as the days of the week tick by.

I force a weak smile to my face, thanking her as I close and lock my door, pulling the safety chain across.

 _"Would you like me to make some tea?",_ Rafael asks thoughtfully, starting towards my small kitchen.

I shake my head, reaching out, taking his hand and leading him to the couch, gesturing for him to sit before curling into him. He sighs contentedly as he turns until his legs stretch out along the length of it and I stretch out along with him. I'm lying between his legs, my head resting comfortably on chest, his arms wrapped tightly around me.

 _"How do you feel Liv?"_ he asks tenderly, his hand reaching up to stroke my hair.

_"Empty...not nothing, not in shock, just empty...like there's nothing to feel..."_

His head dips down and he softly kisses my hair, _"I'm sorry Liv..."_

_"It doesn't feel right...I won't ever have to deal with his release, but I won't ever get to confront him either..."_

_"Would you like to have confronted him?"_

_"That's the strange thing, I don't think I would ever have done it, I don't think he could ever say anything that would help, I think it would only have upset me but somehow losing the option... hurts..."_

He doesn't try to fill the silence, he doesn't ask a lot of questions, he just lets me feel safe in his arms, as he softly strokes my hair.

I try to clear my mind. To not think about it all. It doesn't work, shadows lurk around somewhere in the back of my mind. So I go completely the opposite way, I concentrate hard, on the subject, **"Harris"**...like an essay discussion question, on a school test paper...but the shadows are still indistinct, too distant to identify, no closer than when I tried to deny them... There is no closure to be found, nothing has ended, his death has changed nothing.

 _"What upset you when we driving back?"_ he asks softly, trying to open the door on the conversation without pushing.

I struggle to find a way to explain to him.

_"I'm sorry Rafael. I never really talked to Fin, properly, about...Sealview. We started to talk today but...I didn't know how guilty he felt...I didn't ever want to talk to him about what happened before, I was so selfish, I didn't see how it affected him, he always had my back, he kept my secret...I realized that we needed to talk, that it was so long overdue...but it was hard...I know I can talk to Fin, but it felt a little forced, rushed...like there was a timer on it and we would only have one chance... I said things I shouldn't have. He must think I'm crazy. He knows I'm keeping secrets...but there's so much that we didn't say...so much that I wanted to say, wanted to ask...it just didn't feel ...finished..."_

I can feel him nod behind me, _"It can't have been easy..."_

I know he's trying to be supportive but he doesn't seem to understand how badly I screwed this up.

_"No Rafael, it wasn't just unfinished...he stopped the conversation, he brought me back downstairs...I'm so scared of what he thinks of me...I said things I should never have said...they just popped out of my mouth, I didn't plan to say them..."_

He can feel my agitation as I wriggle slightly, against him, he just calmly talks to me, soothing me with his voice _"Fin really cares about you Liv. He wants to help, he wouldn't think badly of you because of something you said. You can always talk to him if you need to clarify something...It's ok...he just looked sad and upset for you, when I saw him...Tell me what happened?"_

I reach for his hands, taking them in mine. He squeezes back tightly, his thumbs stroking my fingers gently. He doesn't seem the least bit bothered as I curl myself even tighter into him.

_"I'm sorry, I know I'm all over the place, and I'm giving you mixed signals, 'don't hug me' then 'do hug me'..."_

He pulls me tighter to him, _"Liv, I couldn't care less about mixed signals, I just want to do anything I can, to help or make this easier...I understand that you must be very confused...this can't be easy news to hear...I understand that when you feel certain things, you don't want to be touched, that's ok, it's perfectly understandable...I'm here for whatever you need. Tell me what happened with Fin?"_

He moves a little to the side, to where he can look into my eyes, to where I can read his expressions, he cups my face in his hands, wiping the few tears I couldn't stop, away with his thumbs as he asks about Fin, and I can see in his eyes, he means every word he has just said to me.

_"I hate that it feels I'm always taking from you Rafael..."_

He shakes his head _"Tell me about Fin?"_ he encourages.

_"I told him things I shouldn't have said...like when he came in and saved me, I didn't expect he would be able to help me, I was waiting to be raped...I didn't want it, it was just going to happen..."_

I can see his pain at my words, written clearly on his face, _"Ok, that doesn't sound like something you shouldn't say, it sounds like something very hard to admit...what did he say?"_

I close my eyes trying to remember his words, _"He told me that it made sense, I was protecting myself...that I was already mentally suffering it... he understood?!"_

He just nods encouragingly at me, his beautiful green eyes filled with sadness as he waits for me to continue.

_"I told him how... I feel...like a...fraud..."_

As I confess these words for only, the second time, my voice is almost silent, the last word almost lost.

Rafael looks like he has just been punched. I can almost see a physical impact to my words. The pain on his face has ratcheted up a couple of notches and his eyes can't hope to hide the tears. He swallows deeply.

 _"I'm sorry Rafael, you don't need to hear this."_ I try to disentangle myself from him, but he won't allow it. His hand pulls my chin back until his eyes find mine again.

_"No Liv. I hate that you have suffered this. I hate Harris and Lewis for what they have done. They disgust me. Yes, when you say things like this I feel pain, but I want to understand. I need to be able to share this pain with you. I hate that you went through all this. I hate that you feel this way. But you need to know that just because you feel like a fraud, nobody else sees you like that. Nobody else feels that what you suffered is somehow less than anything else...I think I know more than most people about what you went through with Lewis?"_

I nod tightly, unsure where he is going with this.

_"And Fin knows more than nearly anyone about what you suffered with Harris?"_

Again I nod my agreement.

_"He understood the impact this news would have on you, he wanted to soften the blow as much as he could. He has been doing this job much longer than I have, I'm sure he understands... And from my experience with Fin he says an awful lot in few words, and he knows when not to push..."_

I consider his words carefully. His description of Fin is pretty accurate. He instinctively seems to know when to push a victim for more detail or when to back off and change his approach.

I try to remember what we were talking about just before he ended the conversation...he told me Barba was looking for me.

He had seen him when he came looking for me before that though, so why did he tell me about him then? What were we talking about before that?

**My secrets...**

Could he have known how scared I was at that question? Could he have known I wasn't really trying to close the sweatshirt when I pulled away from him?

He asked was I cold?...But as we started to move, he said we'd better move **before** I got cold...

I nearly laugh as I realize how ridiculous it was to believe he wouldn't know what I was doing...Fin sees everything.

His last words to me were an offer to talk, anytime...

_"He wasn't ending the conversation because he didn't want to talk anymore, he ended it...for me...I was getting uncomfortable..."_

**_'And from your lips she drew the Hallelujah'_ **

The green eyes watching me lighten, as Rafael smiles at me.

 _"It feels wrong to say but something like this,... it's hard to talk about,... even for us..."_ his words are hesitant, he is worried I may not understand what he is trying to say, so it means even more, that he has said them. I reach my arms around him tightly hugging him to me.

**_'No it's a cold and it's a very broken Hallelujah'_ **

_"Somehow we expect more from ourselves..."_ I softly finish for him.

And just like that, the panic that I had somehow disgusted Fin, that I had said too much, is eased. He made sure his last words were an offer to continue the conversation we had just started. I was being impatient, I thought we could have one, long overdue, conversation but of course Fin knew better...

**_'There's a blaze of light_ **

**_In every word_ **

**_It doesn't matter which you heard_ **

**_The holy or the broken Hallelujah'_ **

The conversation that felt forced, rushed and ultimately unfinished, wasn't a friendship ruining, mistake. It was a difficult attempt to start a dialogue. It felt forced, because I was sharing information I didn't want to share, I didn't mean to share. This is **always** hard to talk about, this is not something that even we, with all our experience in dealing with sexual assault, know how to deal with. This is not another case, this is our own lives.

 _"I don't think it changes anything..."_ my voice is quiet, calm, even, no hint of the upset and tears that had filled some of my earlier statements. Coming completely out of nowhere, I know he has absolutely no chance of knowing what I am talking about.

_"I know I should feel angry, he cheated the system by dying, I know I should feel relieved that he won't ever get out, I know I should feel like this an end, like his death finishes something...but I don't feel any of it..."_

_"So how do you feel?"_ he asks.

_"Broken...I hate that I feel like this...It feels like I've been broken for so long that it's become normal."_


	5. Hurt

**This one uses the song _'Hurt'_ by _Nine Inch Nails_ , although the version I'm listening to is Johnny Cash, in particular the line, which I think sums up this chapter so well...**

**_'Full of broken thoughts'_ **

_"So how do you feel?"_ he asks.

_"Broken...I hate that I feel like this...It feels like I've been broken for so long that it's become normal."_

Not for the first time, there are no words. I know he wants to tell me it's not true, to tell me I'm not broken but he can't...because I am.

I know I shouldn't, but I can't help wondering why he is here? I have nothing to give him... even the obvious, is just not going to happen.

I can't help but wonder if he is just being patient. He's a nice guy, that's what nice guys do, isn't it? They patiently wait...

The problem will start, when he realizes that no amount of patience is going to be enough. When he realizes that time has passed, and nothing has changed. How long will he be willing to be such a gentleman then?

He may be happy to chastely, lie on my couch now, his body pulled closely against mine, but how long before the pleasant contact becomes unbearable teasing, a taster of something that will never be on offer?

I allow myself to relax into him, safe in his arms, savoring his innocent touch, his smell, trying to remember every detail, as I know this cannot last.

My eyes drift closed as I try to imprint the memory on my mind, of his soft breathing, his regularly rising chest, his relaxed embrace...

The sound is the first thing I am conscious of, afterwards, I may recognize it as banging pipes, or something trailing, clattering, up or down the stairs, or a million different reasonably explained noises, but in that semi waking state, there is only one thing it could possibly be...It is a baton banging along against a chain link fence.

My eyes snap open.

The darkness of the room, further increasing my panic, as shadows dance vaguely around some indistinct furniture.

I'm being restrained somehow, I can feel a warm body pressed against mine.

Arms...it's a set of arms holding me down...

_"No...please don't...get off me..."_

As the words start to slip from my lips, my body is fighting for freedom, pushing against the arms, elbowing the body, struggling to get my legs free and onto the ground.

I break out of his hold, gasping, panting as I try to get away, to get anything I can use to stop him...reaching around frantically, for something, anything, to defend myself.

A light flicks on.

I try to cover my eyes, desperate not to lose him in the flare, as my eyes struggle to adapt to the sudden brightness.

My sleep hazy brain vaguely recognizes the partly illuminated figure, but is too busy scrambling, uncoordinatedly, across the space, to care.

My hand stumbles across a vase, which I grasp tightly, raising it above my head, ready to use it, as best I can, to protect myself...

_"Liv...it's ok..."_

No! This time I'm going to fight, this time I won't be so easily beaten.

_"Liv...it's ok...you're in your apartment, you're safe..."_

My arm starts to lower, the vase still clasped tightly in my hand.

_"You're safe in your apartment Liv,...it's Rafael,...I'm not going to hurt you..."_

The familiar figure comes more into focus, his hands are low, stretched out, palms down, in front of him. He looks dazed.

My heart is still thudding dangerously fast, but I recognize this is Rafael Barba. I hesitantly scan the space; this is my apartment.

I stumble slightly, falling to the floor. He starts to stand, to move towards me, but the renewed fear on my face is enough to make him stop.

 _"I'm just going to turn on the light Liv..."_ he gestures gently to the switch, moving slowly towards it, careful to keep his distance.

The explosion of light forces me to close my eyes. As I slowly open them again, he is still at the switch, he hasn't moved.

The burst of adrenaline that fuelled my panic is starting to ebb into a trickle, as I start to comprehend fully, that I am safely in my apartment, and the body that so terrified me, was Rafael.

As my ragged breathing slows, I realize it was a nightmare.

Something about my posture must alert him to my growing realization, as he carefully moves towards me, kneeling in front of me.

_"Liv, you're ok. It was a nightmare?"_

His intended statement comes out more like a question as he tries to understand what happened. I lightly nod my confirmation.

As the after-effects of my panicked flight from danger, continue to fade, I look carefully at him. His own panic is clear in his eyes, his face is warped into a confused, shocked mask. As he reaches for my hand the panic is replaced by worry and concern. I see something indistinct flicker across his features.

_"It was Harris, wasn't it?"_

As he swallows deeply at my tiny nod, his lips curl inwards and his brow furrows, and his eyes show nothing but pity.

All I want is to fall back into his arms but I find myself, instead, shouting at him...

_"I don't need your pity!"_

He looks slightly shocked at my outburst, for a second, _"I know Liv, I don't pity you...I'm sad that you have to feel this..."_

I shake my head at him, _"Yeah well you don't have to be here to see it"_

I know as I'm saying it, it's not fair, but I can't stop it. I see him rub his face, tiredly trying to figure out how he should answer me, his hand stretching up through his rumpled hair.

_"I'm sorry Liv. I didn't mean to scare you. I should have thought..."_

His words, send me over the edge, into full blown rage...

_"Yeah you should have **thought**...I'm so broken, that it was inevitable I'd go nuts and ruin your night's sleep...well you won't have to worry about it anymore, will you? Now you've seen the full floor show...! And there's no point being patient anymore, I'm not sleeping with you... so just move on!"_

The words are only out of my mouth, and I desperately want to pull them back in. I see his face fall in shock. His eyes cannot contain the hurt he is feeling. He sits back onto the floor, his hand stroking his face.

He frowns, looking carefully at me, thinking deeply.

I know I have ruined everything now. I can't allow him to see how much I don't want him to go, how sorry I am, it's too late...

 _"Just go..."_ I spit, standing and moving away from him.

 _"No Liv. I'm not going anywhere!"_ he rasps. Softly clearing his throat he stands to his feet. _"NO!"_ he repeats.

I step back towards him, angry that he isn't listening to me.

_"Rafael, I told you to leave my home."_

He reaches for me but I step away from him.

_"Liv, I know you're scared. I know you're hurting. I can only imagine what you were dreaming to wake up in such a state...I know you feel vulnerable, I know you don't want to get hurt, I know you're pushing me away...If you want to shout at me until your voice is hoarse,... if it makes you feel any better, then go ahead...I'm not leaving."_

I just look at him. I can't quite believe what he is saying.

_"Do you really think I'm just here because I want to sleep with you?"_

It is impossible to miss the deep hurt he feels at this accusation. His words are tentative, soft, pleading...

I try to swallow hard, to maintain my mask of anger, but it is no use, my anger is gone, replaced by regret and self-loathing, for my thoughtless, cruel, words.

I understand how I have lashed out aimlessly, and unintentionally hurt him, deeply.

As if I didn't feel bad enough about myself, I now feel completely worthless. I have no idea how to fix what I have done. If it can, even be fixed?

I bite down on my bottom lip determined not to exacerbate the situation even further by crying.

_"Liv, do you really think I'm just here because I want to sleep with you?"_

This time his question is softer, gentle, but no less sincere.

I know he will not let this go, I know he wants an answer. No, he **needs** an answer...

**_'I will let you down_ **

**_I will make you hurt'_ **

I worry my lips. My teeth scraping over them as I struggle to find words and keep the tears at bay. All I can do is shake my head. As I start its sideways motion, I find it becomes more and more insistent with every shake, until my feelings are as clear and unequivocal as any words could ever hope to make them, and my head continuously swings left and right. My face crumples as the tears battle for escape, I bite harder as my teeth scratch across my lips. I see relief on his face as he understands I really don't think he is here for that reason, his arms reach out to me, pulling me tightly into him.

_"Liv, it's ok...it's ok..."_

His hand reaches up to my face, caressing my cheek tenderly, stopping my head's motion, his thumb stroking my reddening lips, _"you'll hurt yourself, Liv, please..."_

**_'I hurt myself today_ **

**_To see if I still feel_ **

**_I focus on the pain_ **

**_The only thing that's real'_ **

As I stop the action that is upsetting him, the tears win through, starting a steady flow down my cheeks. He snakes his two arms snugly around my body, resting his forehead against mine and just allows me to cry. I cry tears for myself, for Rafael, for Fin, for the partners I wish were both still here, for all the empty seats...

**_'What have I become_ **

**_My sweetest friend_ **

**_Everyone I know_ **

**_Goes away in the end'_ **

After what feels like hours, I have no more tears. I see that his face is streaked where his tears made their own path down his cheeks. Without thinking I kiss each of his cheeks.

_"Rafael, I'm so sorry..."_

He shakes his head softly, _"I know Liv. You lashed out, I understand...I would just hate for you to think I'm only here..."_

I can't bear for him to say those words again so I put my finger to his lips, stilling them.

_"I don't Rafael...truly. I guess I was thinking about it before I went to sleep, and it kindda found its way out of my mouth...You have been so understanding, so patient, I'm just worried that I may not be ready..."_

**_'Full of broken thoughts_ **

**_I cannot repair_ **

**_Beneath the stains of time_ **

**_The feelings disappear'_ **

_"Liv, we're still finding each other..."_

Somehow the fact that he doesn't dismiss my concerns as a non-issue or tell me he doesn't care, gives me immense hope, he is being honest with me, and maybe we can deal with it...

He starts to fidget, wiggling around a little. I raise a questioning eyebrow at him.

_"In the interest of full disclosure Liv, I think I should admit that I do want to sleep with you...not now, but at some point..."_

His disclosure is so uncharacteristically shy, he is almost embarrassed at his own words, I am overcome by the simple, beauty of the gesture.

I feel that familiar warmth stir somewhere deep inside me. It surprises me.

Completely unselfconsciously, confidently, I bring my lips to his. Pressing them to his, my tongue slowly tracing his lips, roaming into his mouth as his lips part for me. Our tongues start to duel, as we lean further into each other. Surprising us both, I pull his shirt loose, running my hands up his skin. I gently stroke the skin of his back, his sides, and up to his chest as he moves slightly to allow me access. I reluctantly break our kiss, pulling my shirt from where it is tucked into my pants, taking his hands and placing them under it, onto the bare skin of my waist. I lean back into him, kissing him again, my tongue searching his, as my hands slide back under his shirt. I can feel him tentatively moving his fingers, gently circling the skin beneath them, slowly sliding his hands up then, down my sides. As his hands slide across my stomach, I know he can feel the ugly raised scars Lewis left, but he doesn't try to avoid them, he treats them as part of me. As his teeth nip softly at my bottom lip he slides his hands up slowly, giving me every opportunity to stop him. His fingers gently caress the skin just below my breasts as he breaks our kiss, looking to me for permission. I smile my consent, sliding my hands down his back, down the back of his pants, pulling him back into me, resuming our kiss. His hands slowly continue their exploration, gently stroking my chest. The scars that mar my skin, that still disgust me, are all but forgotten, by both of us, as his fingers move over me. I know he hasn't seen them, that it's easier to ignore them, when you aren't confronted by their ugliness. He neither, avoids them or treats them as something special. I try not to remember how Brian tried to avoid the marks littering my body, how every scar seemed to burn as his touch carefully avoided them, unintentionally marking every one, in his avoidance.

This is the furthest things have gone between us, but it feels natural, and we are both enjoying it. I'm surprised, that it is under these circumstances, I have allowed, no... **initiated** , this progression, but there is no regret, no fear. I am comfortable. I feel a small hint of who I used to be, come through, in this unplanned, simple, action. I am surprised that it is happening today, but it was such a natural thing, that I don't even worry it is some sort of stupid reaction to the day's news. I wanted to touch him... have him touch me... The scars are not stopping me from enjoying the feel of his gentle, touch on my skin. I can't even begin to contemplate how far I am willing to allow this to progress, or how I will know when to stop it. For once, in uncharacteristic recklessness, I just enjoy the moment, trusting that I will know when I reach my limit, knowing that he will respect it.

As he gradually, breaks our kiss, he sighs, stilling his hands on my waist, stepping back slightly, the smirk I have come to love, gracing his flushed face.

_"As much as I am **really** enjoying this Liv, we should probably get some sleep..."_

I try to pout my irritation at the interruption, to him, but find myself laughing, instead, at the rueful expression that accompanies his happy smirk.

I know that he is worried I will feel his body reacting to what we are doing, and his discrete, thoughtfulness really means a lot to me. He didn't treat me like I am broken, he happily followed my lead, allowing me to advance things, but still protected me from inadvertently, wandering into territory that, particularly today, could make me feel even worse. I carefully curl myself into his side, wrapping my arms around him.

He kisses my hair as I rest my head on his shoulder.

 _"Sleep! Liv..."_ he reminds me laughing.

 _"Rafael, would it be too much if I asked you to sleep beside me?"_ I look at him carefully as I ask this question.

He hesitates, _"I don't know Liv, I'm worried I might scare you...you already woke up..."_

I can see it's not that he doesn't want to, it doesn't seem to be that he feels it would be too teasing, he seems to be genuinely worried about me.

_"I know, you're right. It wasn't you, I was afraid of when I woke, I just didn't know..."_

_"I know that, I know you weren't afraid of me but I don't want it to happen again...it hurt me to see you so scared...and after today..."_

_"After today, I want to feel you beside me...it was...it was your arms wrapped around my front, it felt like someone was holding me down"_ I can't help the way my arms cross my body, mirroring the comforting embrace that so terrified me in my nightmare filled semi-waking state.

I see him nod slowly, _"So maybe if you curled into my side?"_

I smile widely, moving into him, taking his hand and leading him to my bedroom.

It feels like such a small victory against the background of the day's news, and failures, but it is a victory. I know I'm desperately hurt and still pretty broken, well maybe slightly less broken than I thought, after that impromptu, little make-out session...

As he lies on his back and I curl carefully into him, both of us a little disheveled, but still fully dressed, he takes my hand, kissing it softly before moving it to his chest.

_"Goodnight Liv..."_

I settle down to sleep, feeling a strange relief now, when I remember **he** is dead. He may continue to occasionally haunt a dream, his effects may still be felt today, but he really, cannot hurt me again. None of the scenarios of his release, I have been so afraid of, can ever come true...

**_'If I could start again_ **

**_A million miles away_ **

**_I will keep myself_ **

**_I would find a way'_ **


	6. Fragile

**This is based around _'Fragile'_ by _Sting_. The version I usually listen to isn't in english but whatever translation, I think the sense is the same...**

**_'Lest we forget how fragile we are'_ **

****

****

The bright summer sun, blazing in through my unclosed blinds had woken us early, and after a coffee, sipped as I leaned comfortably, back into Rafael's arms, he had headed home to shower and change.

I was already up and dressed when Lucy arrived, as promised, bright and early. And grateful for the early start, I headed to the precinct.

Now as I balance my second cup of coffee, with a new stack of files, I can't help but consider the news I heard, at this very desk, only a handful of hours ago.

In the bright daylight, with a night's sleep behind me, and having had time to absorb the news, how do I feel?

Again I'm surprised at my absence of feeling. The news that should either, have delighted or angered me, still has very little effect.

I'm struggling to not look at the clock every two minutes, somehow hoping that the starting time for my team's shift is no closer. I have always enjoyed Fin's, easy, company, but the silent pressure that I know we need to find a way to continue the conversation we have only started, is making me nervous about talking to him.

The certainty that I didn't disgust him, that he wasn't trying to extricate himself from our conversation, but that he was, instead, conscious of my discomfort, and how vulnerable I was, seems a lot less assured in daylight.

I understand that is further proof, if any were needed, that we need to talk, but I cannot help the fear that twists my insides at its prospect.

A last, quick, glance at the advancing clock reminds me that I have much more pressing concerns to attend to, as I try to focus on the mountains of paperwork threatening an avalanche on my desk, I refuse to maintain my clock watching vigil any longer.

As my workday begins, I throw myself headlong, into the piles of paper that await me, knowing, that any feelings hidden away at Harris' unexpected death will still be there when I finish.

The light, empty, coffee cup and large, pile of completed paperwork are my only way of gauging how long I have been here, when a gentle tap on my door, pulls my focus from the paper mountains.

 _"Mornin' Liv, busy?"_ he asks looking at the paperwork strewn all over every surface of my office.

I can't help the smile that answers him; he is trying to give me a way out if I don't want to talk. How can I have doubted him?

 _"The glamorous life of a cop..."_ I gesture wildly at the stacks of paper, laughing. _"I'm ok, Fin...thanks"_ I quickly answer the question thinly veiled behind his morning greeting.

I look up at the clock to see he is 45 minutes early, gesturing him to a seat in front of my desk, I move around to join him.

As we sit into our chairs, I push myself to keep the promise I silently made, to be honest with him, to avoid a replay of last night's panic...

_"Fin, I'm nervous...it's not that I'm worried about talking to you, I know I can always talk to you...I'm just nervous..."_

He grins, slightly sadly, at me, _"It's a difficult conversation..."_

I know now that he understands my statement and he is not offended. To some degree, he is admitting to sharing my nerves. Again I'm reminded how this is pretty new territory for him too, and as Rafael, rightly pointed out, this is hard to talk about.

 _"It's been bothering me since last night, but did I say something...?"_ I ask tentatively, jumping straight into the deep end.

He raises his eyebrow quizzically and I think, for a moment, he hasn't understood my unfinished question, until his head starts shaking softly...

_"No Liv...not at all... I hate that you feel it was a fair fight between you and him, I hate that you feel...like that...I wish I could have done more..."_

I understand exactly what he is saying, he is no longer talking about when he burst into the basement to save me, he is talking about all the things I desperately hid from him, from everyone...

_"It wasn't that I didn't want to talk to you anymore Liv...I could feel it was getting too much...I'm here, there's no rush,... however long it takes..."_

As always, he sees exactly what was worrying me, and hits it head-on, his words putting my fears completely to rest. He wasn't disgusted; he was trying to protect me.

_"I can't imagine what this news has brought up for you. The last thing I want to do is put any more pressure on you, you don't have to tell me anything you are not comfortable with..."_

And just like that the nervousness that had been plaguing me disappears. I'm really grateful to him as he eases my worries and deftly opens the conversation, with none of the awkwardness I had worried about.

_"That's the strange thing, Fin, it really hasn't made any difference...I know there should be some big flood of emotion, anger, bitterness...I don't know what else. But aside from a little relief that none of the scenarios I'd imagined on his release, can ever happen...it doesn't change anything..."_

He nods his understanding.

 _"Can I ask how you feel?"_ my question feels very personal but it's something I really want to know...

He frowns his brow deeply, _"I don't want him to have escaped so easily...a heart attack?"_ he shakes his head bitterly, _"I want him to have died screaming, in pain, in fear...I want to know he paid for what he did...It doesn't feel like he paid..."_

 _"I feel the same, I suppose..."_ I try to put it into words... " _he cheated it all, somehow, by dying...and how it happened...but I think after Lewis...how he...I suppose it just doesn't have as much power..."_

I can see his jaw tense and his eyes flick down, as the memories of what he found that day, after he heard the gunshot ring out, flash through his mind

 _"Sick son-of-a-bitch..."_ he whispers under his breath.

 _"It's over but it never really ends..."_ I mutter.

I see his eyes raise up to mine, as he searches to understand my last comment.

I shrug slightly, searching for a way to explain, assuring him with a nod that I am trying to find words.

_"It's like his death means it's over, the fear of him coming back, finding me, finishing what he meant to do...it's gone. He can't hurt me again...But all these years, he's been in prison, he hasn't been able to hurt me, he's been safely locked up...but he was still hurting me..."_

He pauses for a moment as he considers...

_"Nightmares?"_

I nod, a little ashamed even though I understand it is a perfectly normal thing.

_"Flashbacks?"_

I shake my head, _"Not flashbacks really, not for years, and not a lot of nightmares anymore, well...except for last night..."_

I can see his sadness at my confirmation of what he probably already suspected.

_"It's more...a kind of 'presence'...something that is always around in some way...after the therapy and some time...'things'...were more normal...but...there was always that...doubt...that fear...it's a bit like once I felt that fear, knowing what it was like, it changed me..."_

I know that this doesn't explain it, he is considering what I am saying, trying to understand...

_"It's so hard to explain, it's like sometimes, I'm not even thinking about Harris or Lewis, at all, they're not even in the mix...but...still they're there..."_

I can see before he says anything, that he doesn't really understand, he can't find any trace of the feelings I'm trying to describe, inside himself, but he has been an SVU detective for long enough, he has heard from enough survivors, to know a little about what I am trying to describe.

_"I know what you mean, I can only imagine...but I don't really understand...I suppose it's something, that I can't really understand..."_

I am so grateful that he is opening up like this to me, I know it doesn't come naturally for either of us, so it means a lot to me.

_"Fin, do you really understand that I don't blame you in any way? That you have no reason to feel guilty?"_

He shrugs a little, _"I guess that's still a work in progress..."_

I smile broadly, _"Trust me, a work in progress I understand..."_

**_'If blood will flow when flesh and steel are one_ **

**_Drying in the color of the evening sun_ **

**_Tomorrow's rain will wash the stains away_ **

**_But something in our minds will always stay'_ **

I gesture to the empty desks directly outside my office, _"I'm going to have to tell them..."_

He shrugs, _"That's up to you Liv, I know they're worried about you but they would understand..."_

I know that Amanda is only biding her time before she asks me what is going on.

I know I should really tell her what has happened... I could see last night that she was worried for me, but I know that explaining Harris' death to her, is not going to be easy. It will, unavoidably, remind her of her own situation, only a few months ago. I don't want to bear any responsibility, for her feeling more pain. I know that whilst this is a very true concern, it is not my only worry. I don't want to have to expose my own pain. It feels selfish, that after all the advice I gave her to talk about what had happened to her, after all my assurances of how much it helps, I'm afraid of being unmasked as a massive hypocrite, as I struggle to find my own words.

It's not that I don't trust her, I do. I can't help smiling at how much better our relationship has gotten over the last while. We are now comfortable with each other in a way I never thought we would be. I've even talked a little, about Barba, with her.

Ok, so it was only because she noticed his attentions, but it was relaxed and easy. She seemed to understand that things are undefined for us. That I have a lot to work through before I can make any decisions about him...

Although, have I not just done exactly that?

I haven't really made any decisions and I definitely don't feel any pressure from him, but I did move things forward last night. I can't cling to the safety of us being 'just friends', anymore. But didn't that ship sail long ago, if I am completely honest? We've been kissing for quite a while now, and the way we hug, sitting cuddled, comfortably in each other's arms, our bodies wrapped tightly around each other, as we have become so used to doing, is not quite friend territory either.

I don't know whether it calms me to think that last night's make out session didn't actually change anything, or whether it scares me more to realize that the change happened quite a while ago, and I didn't notice it?

This feels ridiculous... I refuse to overthink it. I am going to just see what feels right. It seems to be working well for us, so far...

I'm not going to start the 'what-if' game or panicking about whether we should be doing this. I'm just going to enjoy his company.

I can't help the flush of red that creeps up my face, as I want to add his touch, and his kiss, to what I plan on enjoying.

Fin looks quizzically at me, having no idea where the flash of embarrassment came from.

My eyes drift back to the still empty desks outside...

_"I have to tell Amanda, I can't keep that secret from her...after everything she went through with Patton...after everything I said..."_

I struggle a bit, to keep my emotions at bay, shrugging _... "And Carisi, he's as much a part of this team, I can't have him be the only one to not know..."_

He knows that with this thought I have made my decision, and he nods, his approval and his unwavering support instantly clear.

As the news of my decision makes it way from my mouth to my brain, I feel a familiar knot form in my chest.

_"I know how wrong it is, Fin...but I am so ashamed...of what happened...that I didn't report it..."_

He quickly reaches across, taking my hand, _"Liv, you have nothing to be ashamed off...you did nothing wrong..."_

I shake off his words, _"I know...I know how wrong it is...Harris is the one that should have felt ashamed...but the thought of having to tell them...I can't control the deep feeling of humiliation, shame..."_

I see his forehead crease and his eyes close. I know he understands. He knows I feel even worse for feeling shame because I know I shouldn't...He knows that this is part of what makes a sexual assault so devastating, and I can see that he didn't want to ever see any of this in the people he cares about. I can't help but think that this is the second time, in the space of a few months he has found himself in a position like this, and my heart aches for him.

I rest my second hand on top of our clasped hands, rubbing his gently.

My teeth softly hold my bottom lip but the words slip out unhindered...

_"I can't decide if I'm glad to be telling people, after all this time..."_

_"Do you regret not telling them...the captain, Munch...Stabler?"_ He softly asks me.

I sigh deeply, glad he asked the question but also terrified of my own answer.

 _"Sometimes..."_ I nod. _"I've given it a lot of thought, over the years...I don't know why I didn't tell them...I can rationalize not reporting it, we got him anyway...I'm not sure I would have been let stay on in SVU, if I had disclosed...things were different then...but not telling them, I don't know."_

He rubs his face, sitting back, giving me time and space to consider my decision.

 _"The captain...I just couldn't bear to see his face,...he was more than just my captain, always was...I knew it would hurt him...and I was scared he'd be disappointed in me somehow... I'd promised him I could handle myself, to convince him to let me go in, and then I couldn't..."_ I shrug slightly, hoping I'm making sense but completely unable to better explain my jumbled thoughts. _"Munch...I was afraid he wouldn't respect me if he knew...it's stupid, I knew he wouldn't think any less of me really, but I didn't want anyone looking out for me, I didn't want to feel I needed to be looked out for ...making any sort of allowances, or changing our relationship in any way, would have felt like I'd lost his respect..."_

I groan deeply as I think of the secret I kept from my partner.

_"El...I meant what I said yesterday, I really was afraid he'd throw a fit...but also, things, were always so...complicated... between us...I knew he'd blame himself for not being there, he'd blame me for going...it would have changed things between us and I think that's what scared me the most. By not telling anyone it was somehow, less...real, at first, anyway. Because nobody knew, I didn't have to talk about it, live with it...deal with it... I spent so many nights not sleeping, pretending it was fine, refusing to acknowledge it...then when it got so bad that I couldn't pretend anymore...it was too late...I couldn't tell everyone, that I lied to them, that it had happened...and I hadn't reported it..."_

He swallows deeply, coughing slightly to clear his throat, _"Did you tell anyone then?"_. His voice is rough, hoarse with the emotion he is feeling.

I nod softly. _"I was in so much trouble...one day I brought some paperwork up to Huang...things were particularly bad...I knew he would ask was I ok...he had worked on my cover story with me before I went in...I had avoided him as much as I could...I burst into tears, I could only say one word, 'Sealview'...he sat me down, talked to me...he was so good... I think he had his suspicions even before...he knew I hadn't reported anything though... maybe he was just waiting for me to come to him, maybe the captain had talked to him, I don't know...I told him Harris hadn't raped me but it was so close...he didn't push me for anymore details...he let me choose what I told him, he told me he was there anytime, if I wanted to talk...he assured me nothing would ever leave the room...he suggested a therapist...he gave me her name, her details, but didn't make me feel pressured..."_

_"I'm so glad you went to him Liv, he was the best person to help you. He's a good guy..."_

He shifts in his chair, and I can see he is debating whether to ask me something. I meet his eyes and nod my consent at whatever question he is battling with.

_"You didn't come to me?"_

I shake my head hoping he can understand my explanation, _"I knew you were there for me, but you reminded me...and I felt...embarrassed...you had seen it..."_

For a second the cool, confident man I have known for so many years is not the man that sits in front of me. _"Did I do something wrong?"_ he whispers carefully, dread lacing every soft word...

I again shake my head, _"No Fin, please...I need you to hear me...NO. I always knew you had my back, I always knew I could talk to you...if you had pushed,... I don't know, but I definitely wouldn't have talked to you, I would have gone the opposite way...You did nothing wrong, you were there for some of it, so while I knew you saved me, you were there to see it...and I wanted to forget it..."_

He nods his understanding but I refuse to break eye contact until I can see he really does understand.

_"I do understand, Liv. I just always wondered if something I'd said or done, made you hesitant to talk to me, if I should have done something else...you know I never, not for a second, thought any less of you..."_

_"I know that Fin. I know all of those fears of losing people's respect, of being seen as less, as weak...I know that was all me, projecting my fears on the rest of you...I just didn't know it at the time..."_

We sit in comfortable silence, both reflecting on what we have said and heard.

I can't help feeling that this conversation felt a lot more natural than our first. This time I am sure he is not disgusted at me. I know, that it's not finished, there are still so many questions to be asked and answered, so many truths to be disclosed, but the fear and anxiousness I felt is dissolving.

As the clock ticks closer to the shift starting, the squad room starts to fill up, and we hear a contentedly, bickering Amanda and Carisi teasing each other as they walk into the squad room. Carisi, fervently insistent, he is right in whatever they are squabbling about. Fin rubs his face, in mock disgust, questioning, _"When did we become the adults?"_ We laugh easily, at the memories of days past, when we were the ones eagerly being schooled by calmer, more senior detectives...

**_'Perhaps this final act was meant_ **

**_To clinch a lifetime's argument_ **

**_That nothing comes from violence and nothing ever could_ **

**_For all those born beneath an angry star_ **

**_Lest we forget how fragile we are'_ **

 


	7. Brothers in arms

**Has any song ever so perfectly encompassed all these emotions better than _"Brothers in Arms"_ by _Dire Straits?_**

**_'In the fear and alarm_ **

**_You did not desert me_ **

**_My brothers in arms'_ **

****

****

As always, the man beside me sees everything. He sees the deep breath I take as I look out at the blonde woman, who tries not to look into the office, with its closed door. She tries not to look at me sitting on the wrong side of my desk, with her partner. I see Amanda's face crease into a deep frown as she factors this development into whatever scenario she is imagining. I don't miss the noticeable, deep breath she sucks in, her head shaking slowly as she wraps her jacket around the back of her chair, flicking her hair out of her eyes trying to resist another quick glance into my office. I know I should really take a few minutes, now, and tell her what is going on... I can see she is worried for me.

Fin leans in and pats my leg encouragingly, _"I'll take the kid and chase down the lead on the Mendez case..."_ He gestures out at Carisi.

He stands up, looking carefully at me, waiting until he has my full attention, _"You have nothing to be ashamed of Liv, and she understands better than anyone..."_

He goes to the door, opening it a hint before turning back to me, _"I'm here Liv..."_

I just nod gratefully, as he walks out into the squad room, telling Carisi they're going to check out the Mendez lead. I hear Carisi, running to catch up with

Fin, peppering him with questions.

I see the frown on Amanda's face deepen further, as her partner leaves without her.

I try to take a moment, to figure out how to approach her, but before I can come up with a plan, she is standing in my door.

_"What's happened Liv? Are you ok?"_

I can't help the chuckle that escapes as I realize she probably barely watched her partner's back leave the squad, before she was in my office.

I haven't had a chance to plan this, in the smallest way, so I don't even know how to answer her simple question...

The sigh that escapes my mouth is enough. She silently closes the door and quickly sits into the chair Fin has scarcely vacated, her eyes latching onto mine.

_"Sorry I didn't mean to worry you Amanda, I'm fine, I just wanted to apologize for last night and explain..."_

She rolls her eyes at my attempt to apologize but leans in wordlessly to listen to whatever I am about to say.

 _"Last night Fin told me, he had just heard..."_ I find the words don't come as easily as I had anticipated they would...and just like that, I realize I haven't told anyone...the only people I have talked to, are Rafael and Fin, and they both already knew. Somehow the words that were difficult to find a moment ago, are now impossible.

I can see I'm terrifying her, that she is mentally running through a list of possible reasons for my struggle to speak.

 _"I'm sorry Amanda, everyone is fine, no one is hurt..."_ I vainly try to reassure her that there is no bad news coming. _"It's nothing like that..."_

 _"What is it Liv?"_ she prompts me cautiously.

This is not going, even remotely, how I had hoped and I still can't find the words to tell her, so I take a deep breath and just start talking, hoping that it all finds its own way out before I really send her into a full blown panic...

_"I've just realized that you're the first person I'm telling...both Rafael and Fin knew..."_

She seems to realize with my disjointed words, that it is something intensely personal. She calms slightly, the panic lessening while her worry deepens, looking encouragingly at me.

_"The man that...Harris...that sexually assaulted me...years ago...he...he died yesterday..."_

I hear her breath hitch sharply. I see the understanding spread over her features...

 _"Wow. Are you ok?"_ she asks carefully.

I shrug slightly, _"It hasn't really made a difference"._

She chews her bottom lip considering my answer.

I hurry to try and explain, _"I expected a big emotional response, a huge wave of relief, or anger at how he escaped justice...and I am a little relieved that he can't ever hurt me again, and I won't have to face him being released, but...it isn't how I thought it would be..."_

She nods sadly. _"It somehow isn't the big ending you thought it would be..."_

I nod my agreement at her understanding.

 _"It isn't the big ending I thought it would be..."_ I borrow her eloquent words, taking them for my own...

 _"This is how you felt after Patton's plea deal..."_ I realise as her words leave my mouth.

She gives me a brief, sad, half-smile.

_"What happened to him Liv?"_

_"There hasn't been an autopsy yet but they suspect it was a heart attack..."_

_"He was still in prison though, right?"_

It's only as she asks this most basic question that I realize she knows nothing of the detail of what happened... How, after so many conversations, can she know none of what happened?

I nod, _"I'm sorry...you don't know anything about it?..."_

I can hear the disbelief in my voice as I say it. She merely shrugs at me.

 _"The details are so important...that somehow they just don't matter..."_ she says it so softly, and with such absolute belief, that her words shock me. I know my face has given me away completely, as I sit stunned, looking at her.

She seems to realize that her words were inadvertently, said out loud, and taking in my stunned appearance, hurriedly attempts to explain them.

 _"I know it sounds dismissive, but I really never meant it that way...it's something someone said to me, after Patton...he explained it, that the tiny details that made the experience so much worse for me, the things that no one else may understand the effect of, are the details that make the experience all that it was,... so much so, that they're almost too personal to share, it's the feelings they caused that are what need to be told..."._ She looks at me timidly from behind her hair as she waits to see how I receive her words.

Immediately, it's Lewis' words that fill my head. His taunts as he led me, to what I believed would be the place I would be raped and die in. I try not to see his face, hear his voice as he tells me what he does, _‘nobody ever recovers from...'._

As always, his whole speech, plays completely intact in my head, every last word the same every time, there is never any deviation, no substitution of words. It is seared into me with such force, I can't edit it in any form. Even from the grave, his words echo, tauntingly on, in my head.

I know this is one of the details of my story that is so important, that it doesn't matter... I have only shared this with Rafael, only one person, and he was horrified by the cruel words. I could see the disbelieving, agony, they caused him, but the summarized sense of **his** monologue would have had the same effect. I don't regret telling him, it was a relief to say the words, even if hearing my voice parroting his words, made me question if maybe Dr. Lindstrom was right, that I am allowing Lewis to control me even now, when his death should have ended any influence he ever wielded.

It isn't lost on me that the words that have done countless harm to me, have become so ingrained, that they have slowly, become my own words.

Their full detail has been rendered completely unnecessary, _saying 'he taunted me, using my reaction and fears, against me, to convince me I can never heal',_ says as much to anyone else.

I nod deeply, understanding the sentiment fully.

I struggle not to ask her who said those words to her, but I am sure I can hear Nick's voice in their simple, complexity.

 _"You don't know all the details of my...rape"_ she says it softly, hesitatingly, in case I hear some implied offer to tell me, hidden in between them. I can see she is still not completely comfortable in using the word, but she understands it is what happened.

_"I suppose I don't really. I know what you told Barba, the outline...but you don't even know that about Harris..."_

Again she shrugs, _"I don't need to know them, if you don't want to tell me Liv...I know how precious the control of those details is...it feels like it is all you **can** control..."_

I cannot begin to tell her how grateful I am, to not have to go back into that memory now. And she isn't offended, she understands. She understands in a way Fin or Rafael never can...

 _"Thank you..."_ I whisper quietly, allowing her to see the relief I am feeling. _"He is in prison...We got him for rape and murder...I didn't have to..."_

She puts a hand softly on my knee, nodding that she understands, gently correcting me, _"He **was** in prison"_

 _"He **was** in prison, but he died yesterday"_ and for the first time I find a little freedom in the words...

_"I'm sorry Liv."_

It feels odd hearing those words. They have all said them... I know that it's what you say when you hear about a death, but it feels out of place here. I'm not sorry he's dead.

_"I'm glad he's dead..."_

She looks at me carefully, _"I'm not sorry for him dying, Liv, I'm sorry you have to deal with this...that it's hurting you...Can I do anything?"_

I know that she means it, as she asks if there is anything she can do, and it means more than she can know but I shake my head.

 _"Thank you for telling me Liv, knowing you trust me, means a lot, and it's so fresh, it can't have been easy...I'm sorry for pushing you...I was worried..."_ she motions to the door, to her uninvited appearance.

_"No, it made it easier, Amanda...I was trying to figure a way to bring it up...without making a big deal of it...and I really appreciate that you were worried about me..."_

**_'Through these fields of destruction_ **

**_Baptisms of fire_ **

**_I've witnessed your suffering_ **

**_As the battles raged higher_ **

**_And though we were hurt so bad_ **

**_In the fear and alarm_ **

**_You did not desert me_ **

**_My brothers in arms'_ **

_"Do you want to talk about it Liv?"_

I don't know how to answer her, I don't really want to think or talk about it anymore, I want to just escape from it for a while, but I'm worried she may want to talk, it has to have brought up memories for her, or that she may feel offended if I don't want to talk to her. She weighs up my reaction before saying _, "I get it, especially when it's fresh, it feels, a bit like it's all you talk about..."_ she grins at me mischievously.

 _"It does feel like it has been the subject of every conversation for the last few hours"_ I agree suspiciously. _"Why am I thinking that you are up to something?"_

She gives me her very best _'who me?'_ , rolling her eyes theatrically.

_"Really though Liv, I want you to know that I'm happy to listen if you ever want to talk...I know you'd probably rather talk to Barba or Fin, but I'm here..."_

I shake my head, _"No Amanda, talking to you is so much easier, I know the two guys care, but you can understand in a way that they can't, I don't feel I have to be careful when I speak to you...So thank you..."_

She smiles widely back at me and I understand she just finds it amusing that I do in fact understand the value of silence as well as talking.

I smile softly, _"I suppose you need a little silence sometimes..."_

She chuckles gently, nodding at my correct interpretation of her amusement.

 _"So any suggestions on how I tell Carisi?"_ I ask her still smiling, but desperate for some clue of how to handle the conversation I dread.

Her face immediately become serious, _"He was so worried about you last night Liv...Fin barely convinced him to go home..."_

I can't help the immense swell of gratitude I feel towards the newest member of our team.

_"I want to tell him Amanda, and he deserves to know...I just don't know what I should tell him, or how to tell him...I guess it's not something I have any practice sharing..."_

Her hear bobs up and down a couple of times and I know she understands.

She considers carefully for a few moments, before she decides, _"What I have found...is that you can't really plan these conversations...you say as much as feels right...and my guess is that at the first opportunity, he will open the door, asking are you ok..."_

She is right, I can't plan how much I will tell him, because that will depend on any questions he might ask or how he reacts. The prospect of an unplanned conversation on this subject terrifies me.

She can see how nervous I am. _"He really just wants to know that you are alright Liv..."_

I know she is right but it does little to settle my growing nerves.

Her phone starts to shrilly demand her attention. She reaches into her pocket, her face showing her reluctance to leave our conversation. I gesture for her to take the call, gesturing to my own mountain of work, smiling softly in understanding.

She nods, talking softly into the phone, she stands up heading towards her desk, stopping briefly at my door.

 _"Yeah hang on a sec..."_ she quickly covers the phone, _"I'm here, anytime..."_

I nod, trying to stop the tears that are pricking at eyes as she unconsciously mirrors the words of her partner. She heads back to her desk, scribbling madly as she continues to cradle the phone between her head and shoulder.

As I watch her I can't help my eyes wandering to the area where I used to sit with El. I wonder what he would have said had I ever found the words to answer his question of what happened in the basement. I am sure that he would have been upset. I'm sure he would have been there for me. I'm sure he would have tried to do anything he could to help me...so why did I never tell him?

I know I can't really answer that question. Like so much with El, it is unfinished. I think that eventually it would have come out, but I will never know.

In that moment I allow myself to imagine...

I'm sure that if he had still been in my life, it would have come out after Lewis. I don't see how it could have stayed a secret then? When I was so broken and clinging so desperately to the coping methods I had learned that first time, after Harris, in that support group...

I try not to wonder what he is doing now, why he has never tried to contact me?

I know it is the unexpected news that has reminded me so sharply of his absence and I try to tamp down the too familiar feelings. I saw his face when he was forced to shoot that girl. I know that it broke something inside him. I know that as Fin was a reminder for me, of what Harris tried to do to me, I was a reminder to El, of all the pain and darkness we had seen, how all that tragedy culminated in him shooting a girl that probably reminded him of his daughters. I still hope that some day...

**_'There's so many different worlds_ **

**_So many different suns_ **

**_And we have just one world_ **

**_But we live in different ones_ **

**_Now the sun's gone to hell_ **

**_And the moon's riding high_ **

**_Let me bid you farewell'_ **

I suck in a shaky breath, trying to control the tears that have found their way to my eyes.

I have enough paperwork awaiting me to fell a forest. I walk back around to the right side of my desk, reaching for my glasses, gently scolding myself...

_'You have enough present drama, no need to go into the past looking for more'._

I settle in to work, trying not to panic about my imminent conversation with Sonny.

**_'But it's written in the starlight_ **

**_And every line in your palm_ **

**_We're fools to make war_ **

**_On our brothers in arms'_ **


	8. Man in the mirror

**This was always one of the songs I planned on using for this story, it just means a huge amount to me... inspired by _'Man in the Mirror'_ written by _Ballard, Glen/Garrett, Siedah,_ sung by _Michael Jackson._**

**_'I'm starting with the man in the mirror_ **

**_I'm asking him to change his ways'_ **

 

 

I'm sitting at my desk, desperately trying to juggle the near constant ringing phone with the ever-growing mounds of paper threatening to swallow me, but

I just cannot focus.

I find myself resuming my clock watching vigil of earlier.

In every case file I open, I see the face of Harris looming out at me. When I close my eyes and look back, his wild eyes, his torn and bleeding left cheek, his messy, tousled hair, his rumpled, stained, creased uniform shirt are gone from the page but not my mind. In every victim's statement I battle to keep the image of my own orange jump suit clad, screaming, former-self from hijacking the narrative.

I try to tell myself this is normal, that the news is just bringing bad memories back to the fore, I'm not going crazy, it's probably to be expected, that my emotions will surge and wane, in waves, but I hate it. Again I feel weakened.

I keep pushing the intrusive images away, returning to my work, until one particularly strong memory assaults me, and I fight frantically with my stomach, desperate to keep from being sick...as my skin turns icy cold and sweat starts to prick at my hairline.

I know I cannot win this battle, and calmly try to stroll to the restroom, willing my rebellious stomach to just allow me this small dignity. I keep my hand away from my mouth, even though it is a struggle, not wanting to give Amanda any reason to worry.

As I close the restroom door, I bolt for a stall, sinking to my knees, allowing my stomach to expel the coffee I drank this morning. It is only as I retch painfully on the dark, bitter, liquid that I realize I haven't eaten anything in the best part of a day. I cannot hope to stop the tears that my painfully heaving stomach calls forward.

As I hear the door of the restroom open, and close, I try to pull myself together. But as Amanda's voice calls my name, holding some cold-water dampened paper towels out to me, I just quit any pretense that I am 'fine'.

I stand up and head to the sinks, looking at my red-eyed, tear streaked, pale face.

**_'I'm starting with the man in the mirror_ **

**_I'm asking him to change his ways'_ **

I remember how so many years ago, I stood in the same place trying to convince myself, and my partner that I was fine. I wasn't fine then and I'm not fine now.

_"You asked if you could do anything Amanda...?"_

She nods quickly, _"Anything, Liv..."_

I take a deep shaky breath, _"Can we talk for a minute?"_

She nods again, considering for a moment, _"Let's go up to the cribs..."_

She leads me quickly up to our rest area, closing and locking the door behind us. We have privacy here, that my glass walled office could never hope to equal, and in here, I am not the boss, I am just human.

I walk all the way across the room, sitting on a bed, pulling my legs up.

She sits lightly onto the bed to my right.

I approach my story with all the eagerness of a man being led to his certain death, but I force the words out of my lips nevertheless.

_"We found a girl, raped and beaten...she led us to her incarcerated mother, and an unknown Corrections Officer from her mother's prison, Sealview...she told us that COs were raping inmates...I talked the Captain into letting me go in, undercover..."_

She moves across beside me, taking my hand, nodding softly...

_"My partner had already gone in, pretending to be the mother, Risa's lawyer, to try and get her statement...he was known so he couldn't come in with me...they sent Fin in as my back up, undercover as a CO... no one wanted me going under, they all tried to talk me out of it...it was horrible...nightmare inducing..."_

She nods softly, understanding that even just being there was enough to leave me with nightmares.

_"We had a suspect...Fin buddy-ed up to him...there was a disturbance, about a TB outbreak in the prison, they weren't telling us about...the CO we suspected, he had me in a hold, over a table, he made it pretty clear what he planned to do to me...I was panicking...the Captain, took me off him...I was so relieved...by the time I knew we weren't headed to the hole, as he'd said...it was too late...there was a dirty old mattress... he shoved me down onto it...he beat me when I struggled...I fought him,... I hid from him, ...I begged him,... I screamed for help,... I did everything I could, but I lost... he cuffed me to the locked door I had tried to escape through...he pulled his pants down...told me not to bite him..."_

Tears are running down my face and hers, as she listens wordlessly, squeezing my hand supportively. My voice is shaky and struggling to convey my words.

She hands me a wad of tissues, softly telling me _"Liv, you don't have to tell me anymore..."_

 _"I do..."_ I whisper.

 _"Fin hadn't been in the room, when Harris handcuffed me and took me away, we had no reason to suspect him...he had been, almost, kind to me...I knew no one was coming...his pants were down around his ankles and he started to pull my head towards him...Fin burst through the door and saved me..."_ My words are whispered, regularly broken by sobs and tears, but still audible...

_"I didn't report it...I made Fin keep my secret...I never really spoke to him about it...a few months later, it got too much...I had PTSD...Fin never did anything but support me...he was the only one that knew I was attending a support group...we're only really starting to talk about it now...I didn't realize how much it has affected him...how much guilt and pain he feels about it...I thought he knew he saved me, so he was fine..."_

My next words are the most important so I take few deep breaths, trying to strengthen my weak voice.

_"I've never really remembered much about what happened after Fin took him into custody and we left the basement...I remember how pale Fin was, the shock and pain on his face, how he kept looking at me as if he was checking I was really there ...I think maybe I didn't allow myself to remember because_

_I was worried, but he was sick...a few times...I guess I was worried he was disgusted...I never even thought about how hard it must have been for him...how bad it must have been, to make him sick...he's kept track of Harris all these years...Amanda, can you please keep an eye on Fin? I'm so worried about him. This has to be bringing up so much for him too...but he feels this isn't his story...he is worried about me...he needs someone to be there for him..."_

**_'I've been a victim of a selfish kind of love_ **

**_It's time that I realize'_ **

After her assurance that I didn't have to tell her anymore, I found my eyes clamped to my hands, unable to look at her as I talked. Now as I look up, I see tears flowing down her shocked, pained face. She tries to wipe them away.

_"Of course I will. God Liv, I'm so sorry...what about you, you need to think about yourself too?..."_

_"I know Amanda. I'm making an appointment to see Dr. Lindstrom, and Rafael has been amazing...and I know I can talk to you, Fin and Carisi...it's not easy but I can do it...I just need to know that Fin has someone to talk to that understands..."_

She nods again and I can see the determination on her face. She wipes her two hands roughly across her cheeks pushing the tears away.

 _"He has..."_ she says simply.

I nod, smiling tightly to try and tell her how much I appreciate it.

Her hand squeezes my shoulder softly, _"I'm so sorry Liv..."_

I dry my tears with the tissues she handed me, passing back a couple to her. I run my hands through my hair, taking a few soothing, deep breaths.

After a few moments of silent self-calming, we look to each other, nodding that we are ready to rejoin the world we effectively, temporarily shut out. We walk back into the squad room as Fin and Carisi do. I see Fin cast a careful eye over both, Amanda and me. No doubt seeing the evidence of both of our tears, and the residual emotions, from our conversation, in our faces and the way we hold our bodies.

I give him a gentle nod, letting him know I spoke to her, and that I was ok.

I see Carisi, subtly look to Amanda as she sits down at her desk, his forehead creasing as he sees the evidence of her recent tears. He starts to take a step towards her but a hand from Fin stops him in his tracks. I see the impatient, challenging look he throws the older man.

As I look to my desk, I realize that burying myself in the piles of paper won't help me. I am not ok. I need to take some time...to figure out my feelings,...to really absorb the news I have tried to keep at arms length since I heard it.

I gather up my belongings, walking out into the squad room,

_"I know it's not great timing guys, but I need a little space...some time...I'm going to head home...I'm on my phone if you need me..."_

**_'I'm starting with the man in the mirror_ **

**_I'm asking him to change his ways_ **

**_And no message could have been any clearer_ **

**_If you want to make the world a better place_ **

**_Take a look at yourself, and then make a change'_ **

Fin and Amanda nod as carelessly as they can, as they wave off my assurances that I have my phone on me. Carisi looks at them both like they're crazy, clearly wondering what is going on.

Before he can say or do anything, I quickly add _"Sonny, could you drive me home, please?"_

He quickly looks to Fin who gives him a tiny, encouraging nod, _"Sure Sarge, let me get my keys..."_

He grabs a set of keys from his desk drawer, patting the pockets of the jacket he never took off, _"Ok, ready when you are..."_

He walks over, taking my bag from me, swinging it over his shoulder, leading the way out to his car.

As we sit into the car, he turns to me as he pulls the seat belt across his body, _"Look Sarge, I know I'm still the new guy on the team, and it takes years to get to the level of trust you guys have in each other, you don't have to tell me what's going on, but please tell me you are ok?"_

_"Sonny, you are part of the team, I know it must have felt like we're keeping a secret from you, we really aren't, I just told Amanda, and I want to tell you now, but I really do need to go home..."_

_"Of course Sarge"_ he says, immediately starting the car, and driving me home.

For the second day in a row, the streets blur past my unseeing eyes. I can feel him throw an occasional concerned look at me, but he wordlessly takes me home.

As the car comes to a stop, I realize we have arrived. We are outside my home.

_"Thanks Carisi, will you come up?"_

_"Sarge, you don't have to tell me anything you're not comfortable with, I just want to know you are ok and that if I can do anything, all you need do is ask?"_

His thoughtful, unassuming, words touch me deeply and again I find myself on the verge of tears, _"I want to tell you Sonny"._

He nods gently, taking my bag again and following me up to my apartment.

As we enter my home, he puts down my bag, looking around for Noah and Lucy.

 _"Lucy takes Noah to a toddler storytelling group and then to the park, around this time"_ I tell him, heading into the kitchen to make some tea.

He sits up onto a stool just on the other side of the kitchen island, patiently waiting for me.

As I wait for the water to boil I turn to him, gently biting my lip, I take a deep breath and jump into the unknown...

_"I'm sorry, Sonny, this is hard...I don't really know where to start ...I haven't had a lot of practice..."_

_"It's ok, Liv...I only want to help..."_

I can see he is terrified of what he is about to hear, but still the most prominent thing in his features is the concern he has for me.

 _"I know you've heard about Lewis..."_ it's not a question, it's a statement, but his head nods in confirmation, his eyes closing momentarily. When they reopen

I can see the pain for me in them.

_"I was sexually assaulted before...I was undercover...seven years ago, in Sealview, a women's prison...Fin was my back up, he was there as a CO. We knew at least one CO was raping inmates."_

I can see his face freeze as he struggles to comprehend what I am telling him.

I turn back to make us tea, unable to watch his face as he hears what I am about to say.

_"A CO, Harris, told me he was taking me to the hole, during a disturbance...he brought me to the basement, I tried to fight him but he beat me, and cuffed me to door, he was going to rape me, but Fin burst in and saved me...I know I should have reported it, but I didn't... We got him for rape and murder though, he was serving 20 years... Last night, Fin told me that he died in prison yesterday."_

I busy myself with the cups, spoons, tea and hot water until there is no more to distract me and I turn back to face him, pushing the steaming cup towards him.

I can see his shock at my disclosure immediately, and a flicker of anger at Harris.

_"I'm sorry Liv, I can't imagine how you must feel,...I don't know what to say except that nobody deserves to ever have to go through that..."_

I curl my fingers around the comforting heat of the steaming tea, grateful for its distraction, giving him a moment to absorb my bombshell.

I don't know what I expect him to say but it is definitely not what comes out of his mouth...

_"I've learned more than I ever thought possible from you, Fin, Rollins and Amaro, but the one thing that I have seen over and over again is that this can happen to anyone, there is no such thing as being strong enough, or quick enough to avoid it, there is no such think as inviting it or not doing enough to stop it. The only thing you could control is surviving his assault, and you did that. Nobody can judge a situation they haven't been in. You are the strongest person I have ever met. If I'm ever, even half the person, or cop you are, I will be a happy man"_

The passion of conviction in his words is inescapable. He looks me directly in the eye as a tear rolls slowly down his cheek.

 _"I hate that you had to experience all that..."_ He says swallowing deeply and wiping the tear from his cheek.

He keeps eye contact, allowing me to see the tears gathered in his eyes, but also the sincere respect for me.

As his surprisingly eloquent words reverberate in my head, I cannot help but wonder if perhaps the source of Amanda's insightful, earlier, words was perhaps Carisi and not Nick. There is a surprising symmetry between them and his words now.

 _"Thank you for trusting me."_ He whispers reaching for the tea I left for him.

His face crumples as he takes his first sip, hastily swallowing it.

_"Uuuggghhh, that's that herbal stuff isn't it? My sister drinks that instead of coffee now, it's vile, how can you drink that Sarge?”_

I laugh out loud at his undisguised hatred of my choice of beverage.

He smiles widely as he hears me laugh and I understand that nothing I have told him today has changed me in his eyes. I'm not somehow less, or weak.

He has just heard a story about how I was sexually assaulted, he felt pain for what I experienced but he didn't question my decision not to report it, he says _'Nobody can judge a situation they haven't been in'_ , he doesn't see what happened as something that defines me, he sees it as an experience I was forced to endure.

I'm sure he will watch out for me a little more in the coming days as he has since last night, but I understand it is because he knows I am hurting not because he doubts me.

**_'I'm gonna make a change_ **

**_For once in my life_ **

**_It's gonna feel real good_ **

**_Gonna make a difference_ **

**_Gonna make it right'_ **

_"I should probably get back to work, don't want the boss to think I'm skiving..."_ he mischievously grins at me.

 _"Yeah that, and it saves you drinking the tea, Carisi..."_ I counter smiling.

 _"Win-win, Sarge"_ he declares, laughingly, as he picks up his keys and heads towards the door.

As he opens it, he turns to me, _"If I can ever do anything...please, just ask...?"_

I nod gratefully walking towards the door.

_"Lock the door behind me Sarge, there are too many sick freaks out there..."_

He stands there waiting for me to close the door, and I know he will wait until he hears the locks click into place before he leaves.


	9. Many rivers to cross

**This chapter is based around the song _"Many Rivers to Cross"_ by _Jimmy Cliff..._**

****

****

As Carisi's footsteps move away from behind my locked door, I am suddenly so tired that I can barely take the steps to the couch before I flop down onto its comforting softness.

The weariness that has taken control of my limbs is not soothed enough so I stretch my body out, lying across it's length. As the cushions cradle my exhausted body, my mind starts to race...

Why does Harris have so much power over me, still, after all these years?

It feels like it should be an easily answered question, but somehow it isn't. If I had seen him, towards the end, would I still have recognized him? Would he still have struck such fear into me when he was the one in a prison jumpsuit and I was the one with the badge? Would he have been angry, bitter, threatening, even from behind bars? Or would time have softened him? Would time have reduced his power over me? Have the ghosts of the past created a giant, that doesn't exist anymore, if he ever did? Would he have struggled to meet my eyes or would he have searched them out to revel in his destructive power?

**_'Many rivers to cross_ **

**_But just where to begin, I'm playing for time'_ **

I start to hate myself as I wonder how the last seven years have felt for him? Prison for an ex-CO has to have been a nightmare,... he has to have spent the intervening years in some sort of protective custody? I think some prisons try to house sexual offenders together, acknowledging how even amongst murderers and thieves, rapists are seen as scum. Could a rapist ex-CO, ever be safe in any section of the prison population? Did some vicious prisoner give him a taste of his own proclivities?

Is it not more than likely that a rapist ex-Corrections Officer could not be saved from some sort of abuse?

I have spent my entire career insisting that **no one** can ever deserve to be sexually assaulted.

After my stint undercover as an inmate, I was even more sincere in my belief, that inmates must be protected from sexually predatory Corrections Officers and prisoners, but does that belief really extend to the man who tried to rape me?

I know in years passed, we have used thinly veiled threats of fellow prisoners giving our suspects a taste of their own medicine, to scare them into confessions... I don't know now, how I feel about that threat.

Does it give me some comfort to think that even if he escaped experiencing what he did, to too many women, he definitely cannot have completely escaped the fear of experiencing it?

I find I am more than a little confused, and pulled, at these thoughts. I don't know how I feel. As an abstract, I want him to feel some of the pain he inflicted on others, but when faced with the image of him being pushed down, screaming as I did,... I'm upset and sickened, and cannot even contemplate such horror.

**_'I've got many rivers to cross_ **

**_But I can't seem to find my way over_ **

**_Wandering I am lost'_ **

As I try to figure out how I feel about his death, I can't help but try to evaluate the effect he has had on me. I know that I have made huge leaps forward since the days long ago, just after he attacked me, when his face was the last thing I saw as I fell into a short, unsatisfying sleep, and the first thing I saw as I awoke, terrified, from paralyzing nightmares.

He no longer haunts every waking and sleeping moment. I don't often relive his attack, anymore, waking or sleeping, but I feel some of its effects nonetheless.

I don't like to admit it but I doubt my personal judgment. I didn't see him as a threat, I thought he was saving me from Parker, how can I trust that I won't make that same terrible mistake again?

After my experience at Sealview, it took me a long time to open myself up to a man again, emotionally, and sexually. It was a very long road back to something approximating 'normal'. I didn't trust my judgment. I didn't trust that any man would stop anything physical, at any time, should I ask him to.

Now, all these years later, it feels like maybe nothing has changed...

I know that whilst Harris' attack started this feeling, Lewis' attack has brought it back to the fore. Two years have passed since he first attacked me, a year and a half since our final encounter...and some days it feels like it was all only yesterday.

I hate that I cannot just shake it off and move on.

I hate that I am now haunted, not by one, but by two monsters. I don't understand why Harris's attack still has so much impact? In comparison to what

Lewis did, what Harris did was almost nothing...

After Lewis, should it just not matter so much?

**_'Many rivers to cross_ **

**_And it's only my will that keeps me alive_ **

**_I've been licked, washed up for years_ **

**_And I merely survive because of my pride'_ **

Somehow, between them, they have managed to exploit two huge lapses in my judgment. I couldn't see the danger lurking, hidden, behind a mask of basic, small, kindnesses in Harris, and even though I could clearly see the danger in Lewis, my slow, unthinking, reaction to an unfamiliar, unexpected noise in my apartment allowed me to fall prey to him, even after he threatened me. Why did I not learn from Harris?

It feels selfish but after the last few months, I have found myself grappling again, with the after effects of both Lewis' and Harris' attacks.

I understand the non-linear nature of healing after a sexual assault, but I cannot help the feelings of weakness that crush me, when it feels like I am back at square one and the pain overpowers me again.

When Rafael told me about Amanda's disclosure, that Patton had raped her, I couldn't help the wave of emotion that nearly swept me away. I could picture how she felt. I was waiting for the day that Harris would jump out of my past to wreck havoc on my present. I always knew the day would come. I didn't know exactly what form his reappearance would take, but I knew it was inevitable. I was terrified I would be unmasked as a hypocrite. Sometimes I wished I had reported his attack, I wished that somewhere, some file, detailed some of his attack on me, that some part of his prison sentence was punishment for what he did to me. But I was glad at the same time that the world at large, didn't know my shame. That whilst he was never punished or called to account for his attack on me, I was still saved from him escaping all consequences for his actions. I have spent the last seven years in relative peace, as he was safely locked up.

I understand for that, I should be grateful. I cannot imagine how Amanda, coped knowing that her attacker, her rapist, was not only free but also was still in a position of power in the Atlanta Police Department. She was faced, with perhaps my worst nightmare, that someone else would suffer as I had.

I will, now, never have to face that possibility. Harris is dead. Lewis is dead. My mistakes, in not reporting Harris' attack, and not managing to get Lewis convicted for everything he did, can never result in another woman's suffering.

I am relieved at this.

I am relieved that none of my nightmare-fuelled scenarios of revenge can ever come to life as Harris is set free, but I still, don't feel safe.

I'm not sure I've ever felt safe again, since that day in the basement, all those years ago. It sounds so overly dramatic. I wasn't in an everyday situation that cannot be avoided, I haven't ever had to face the same situation again, it was an anomaly, but I have never been completely able to find that same innate sense of safety I had before that day.

I managed to go back to my job. I can still face the worst humanity has to offer with a confidence, a sense of control. I trust my training. But to do that, even though I love my job, I have lost something of the woman I was.

It feels like every unconnected event that has a huge impact on me, somehow ties into Lewis and Harris. Amanda was faced with the superior officer who had raped her and I couldn't help but imagine the day when I will be forced to face Harris again. Nadia was kidnapped, raped and murdered, and I was faced with the alternative ending to my ordeal at the hands of Lewis. These seemingly unconnected events still manage to completely decimate the progress I have strived so hard to make.

**_'Many rivers to cross_ **

**_But I can't seem to find my way over_ **

**_Wandering I am lost'_ **

I gratefully reach for my phone as it lights up, pulling me from my thoughts with it's shrill ringing.

As I see 'ADA Barba' flashing repetitively on the screen I smile softly.

 _"Benson..."_ I answer automatically.

 _"Hey Liv"_ his voice responds, in practiced calm. _"Fin says you went home, is everything ok?"_

I really appreciate his attempt to seem calm, and the fact that he didn't ask the dreaded 'how are you?', even if he couldn't resist a similar enquiry.

_"I'm fine Rafael...I just couldn't concentrate...I was getting nothing done..."_

He knows that it would take a lot more than a lack of concentration to send me home, but he kindly allows it to pass unchallenged.

_"Good, I'm glad you are feeling ok, because I've just had a recess called until tomorrow, it's nearly lunch time and I could really go for some chinese?"_

I know he wants to check on me. He should be working too, but he wants to make sure I am ok. I want to tell him no, that I'm tired, that I just want some time alone, but I want him to be here, I want to talk to him...

I remember kneeling on the floor of the bathroom stall not so long ago, and even though I know I should eat, my stomach flips uncomfortably at the thought of food, even as I say, _"Mmmmmmm sounds good..."_

I can hear him let out a tiny, held breath _"Perfect, I'll be there soon..."_

I hang up, smiling gently at the knowledge that he is coming. I pull myself off the couch, gathering plates, cutlery and napkins, automatically switching on the coffee machine for him.

When all we will need for lunch is laid out, waiting on the table in front of the couch, I head into my room, changing from my work clothes, into comfortable, dark grey, yoga pants and a loose, navy, NYPD t-shirt, brushing my hair quickly. I glance in the mirror, happily finding that I don't look as bad as I feel, my face is still a little pale but the red eyes have faded back to a more normal color. I find myself considering throwing on a little make up, to further hide the evidence of the morning's renewed upsets. I sigh, and try to remind myself that hiding from my feelings didn't work well in the past.

I lean heavily on the top of the dresser that sits below the mirror, _'I will not cry on his shoulder again'_. I say the words out loud, promising myself to try not to resort to my natural silence but also vowing not to fall apart again, in his presence. I gently close my eyes, trying to calm all traces of my confused, tumultuous feelings.

**_'And this loneliness won't leave me alone_ **

**_It's such a drag to be on your own'_ **

A gentle tap on the door announces his arrival. I throw a last glance at my reflection as I head towards the door.

He is standing there precariously balancing a huge bag of takeout and an armful or files along with his briefcase and a light coat. I reach out and take the bag of food, laughing, _"How many people do you think are hiding in my apartment Rafael?"_

He shrugs gently, _"I couldn't decide what I wanted so this way I can have a little taste of everything..."._

I know he is probably also worried that I'm not eating properly and hopes to tempt me to eat with an assortment of my favorites, so I smile softly.

He throws all the files down beside his briefcase and lays his coat over them; as if he can hide the amount of paper he has brought to lunch...

I start to empty the containers of food onto the table, unsurprised when I see all my favorite chinese dishes arrayed in front of me.

He softly pulls me up into his arms, holding me tightly, kissing me gently. He looks carefully at me, as his hand cups my cheek, _"I'm ok, Rafael. Really...today, it was just too hard to separate myself from the women in the files..."_

He nods lightly, accepting my explanation of why I left work.

_"Lets eat before it gets cold..."_

We both busy ourselves opening containers, serving up tastes of beautiful smelling dishes and I find that I am hungry, despite my earlier reservations. He smiles widely as I start to enthusiastically eat the food I put on my plate. We talk lightly, as we eat, commenting on news stories that play out quietly on the television in front of us, in between bites of delicious food. As we both finish eating I tease him again, over the huge amount of food that still sits in front of us. He smiles again, shrugging and piling the containers into my fridge.

He sits down onto the couch again pulling me to him, wrapping me into his body.

 _"Did you talk to Fin?"_ he asks kindly.

I nod my head, _"I spoke to Fin... and Amanda and Carisi..."_

He turns his head so he can look at my face, _"How did it go?"_

I shrug slightly, unsure how to evaluate three very different conversations.

 _"I suppose they went better than I'd expected..."_ I decide.

I know he won't push but he really wants to know more than that, so I try to explain...

_"Carisi surprised me..."_

I feel him tense slightly as he waits to hear what I mean by that, worried that he said something to upset me.

_"No Rafael, nothing like that...He was so eloquent...so wise and understanding in his words..."_

I feel his body relax at my explanation.

_"Amanda was so...she just understood...she has promised to keep an eye on Fin...We talked today, again, and he wasn't disgusted by me, he just didn't want to push...but I'm worried about him...in some ways I think maybe this is harder for him?"_

_"It's hard for both of you Liv."_ I know that Rafael is subtly trying to remind me not to use Fin's feelings as a distraction from my own. I nod quickly, realizing that he thinks I can't see the effects of the last few hours.

 _"It just hasn't been the big ending I thought it would be..."_ again I borrow Amanda's words, _"I know he's dead. I am relieved. I am a little angry. It feels like this should be the ending, like when Lewis died...but nothing has changed...I still feel the same...if anything I feel it all too strongly again..."_

My words make me feel weak. I know he wants to understand. I am trying, but every closely held detail I share with him, I expect to be the thing that pushes him away.

His arms tighten around me. I know he is trying to show me that he is not going anywhere.

_"I can do my job, I trust my judgment at work, I know I'm good at what I do. But when I leave work...it feels like I'm a different person. I'm scared. I don't think I've ever really felt safe since Harris...I don't trust that I can see danger...I don't trust my judgment...I'm trying so hard not to close myself off...Lewis told me that after what I went through there's a tendency to withdraw, to isolate myself...I want more than anything to prove him wrong, I want to recover...but I'm so scared..."_

I turn to face him, needing to see his face, _"I don't know if I can trust anyone when I don't trust myself...Lewis' words, Harris's words are still in my_ _head..."_

I can see tears gathering in his eyes as I point at my head, _"They're both dead...but they're still in here..."_

I choke back the sob trying to escape, _"Harris told me, he wanted what every man wants..."_

I can see Rafael swallow deeply but his eyes don't leave mine, and he makes no attempt to interrupt me, _"I know he was trying to excuse his actions somehow, I know it's not the truth...like everything Lewis said...I know Harris wanted to break me..."_

I try to look down, but his hand gently tilts my chin up again, until my eyes meet his again, and he softly nods for me to continue...

 _"They used their bodies as weapons... I can learn, no, I am learning that, not every man will use his body to hurt me..."_ I snuggle deeper, relaxing into him _, "You have helped me...I know I can trust you...you know I trust you...I just don't know if I can ever learn to trust myself...Their deaths don't change that..."_

My words are barely a whisper. I know he has heard me, I can see the pain crumple his face. His brow furrows deeply. He raises his hand slowly to stroke my cheek. I can see he is desperately trying to find words...I know he wants to help me. He wants to comfort me. He also knows how hard it was for me to tell him this so he won't risk a clichéd answer.

_"I'm so sorry Liv...I hate that you feel this way...I hate Lewis and Harris for what they did to you...I don't know what to say...I want to somehow fix it...I feel so helpless now, there's nothing I can do..."_

_"Rafael, you are doing a lot now to help me...you're here...you're listening...you're trying to understand..."_

His head dips slightly, _"There's no where I would rather be...thank you for trusting me to tell me...trust me when I tell you...you never did anything to deserve any of this..."_

 


	10. No cover up

**This is based around a song _"No cover up"_ by _Duke Special_. He is a Northern Irish musician and this song is definitely worth a google if you ** **don't know it...**

_"I'm so sorry Liv...I hate that you feel this way...I hate Lewis and Harris for what they did to you...I don't know what to say...I want to somehow fix it...I feel so helpless now, there's nothing I can do..."_

_"Rafael, you are doing a lot now to help me...you're here...you're listening...you're trying to understand..."_

His head dips slightly, _"There's no where I would rather be...thank you for trusting me to tell me...trust me when I tell you...you never did anything to deserve any of this..."_

I want to tell him that I know it's not my fault, that I know I don't deserve this, that nobody deserves this...but all I can hear are my earlier thoughts... **no one** deserves this...

Even before I open my mouth, I know that this is something that I should keep quiet about. It's not something I can say in Dr. Lindstrom's office, it's something I should never say,... but I need to. It's like the words are burning me, scorching my insides as I try to push them down. As much as I understand they shouldn't be said, I know I can only gain relief from them by getting them out, only expelling them can lessen their pain...

"Rafael, do you think...that maybe he...when he was in prison...he was an ex-CO and a rapist...?”

At first I see a look of confusion on his features as he tries to interpret my rambling, whispered, words, and then I see the understanding as it spreads...

His mouth drops slightly open.

His breath hitches.

He tries to project a calm façade and takes carefully measured breaths.

I can see he is struggling to know how to answer me.

 _"What are you asking me Olivia?"_ he quietly asks.

**_'There are faces that we should not know_ **

**_There are places we're not meant to go_ **

**_If you try to find me you will never win_ **

**_For behind each layer lies another skin'_ **

I can't read his face, I'm too close to outright panic, to be able to interpret his facial clues. I know I should never have said the words...

Somehow, my panic summons Harris' face forward in my memory, and I push my way out of Rafael's arms, standing in front of him shakily. I try to silently reassure him that I'm ok with a trembling hand pushed out, as I stand on wobbly legs, with tightly, scrunched closed, eyes. As the mental image of **him** towering over me on my knees, with his pants pooled around his ankles, finally recedes, I look into the green eyes watching me carefully.

He looks up at me, seemingly more certain, more confident in his interpretation of my stumbling, unfinished, question than he had been, now he knows what I was asking.

As I start to nervously pace the length of the living area, he sits up carefully, waiting until I can see his slow, deliberate, movements.

_"Liv, are you asking if I think he was assaulted in prison?"_

I desperately try to think of anything else I could have meant, but my scrambling mind will not allow me to see any alternative, so I just stop in front of him, my hands clasped, my head lowered in shame that I could even ask the question.

**_'No cover up_ **

**_Just so much trouble_ **

**_No cover up_ **

**_I'm bent in double_ **

**_No cover up_ **

**_Just wreck and rubble of the person I was'_ **

_"We'll probably never really know...unless he reported something but..."_ He answers softly, his eyes clearly watching my face for any reactions.

I nod, knowing how few inmates ever report a prison attack.

He lightly pats the couch beside him, silently asking me to sit back down beside him.

I shake my head definitely.

Out of the corner of my eye I can see his hand rub across his face, his hand resting a few seconds too long across his mouth. I can only interpret his gesture as one of disgust...

 _"I'm sorry Rafael. I didn't mean it..."_ I hastily try to repair his crumbling opinion of me.

He stands, reaching his arms out to me, his eyes pleading with me to move towards him, to not reject his embrace. I stumble a half step towards him and he quickly sweeps me into a warm hug.

He clasps me tightly to him, and his soft, husky, voice whispers from where his face rests in my hair.

_"I hope he was...I've thought about it a few times since you told me about him...I feel like a horrible person saying it but I do...I hope that he felt a little of what he has put you through..."_

His words surprise me. His voice is low but there is no mistaking the feelings behind the quietly muttered words.

I don't know how to explain how I feel...

_"I thought I wanted him to know what it felt like...I thought I'd feel better, if I thought maybe, he understood what he did...and I want him to have known how much damage he caused but... **no one** deserves that...when I think of... even him, being held down, trying to fight his way free...like I did...I can't..."_

My head shakes repeatedly even after I have finished speaking. My hands clasp his arms tightly, as I try to ground myself, to stop the flood of images assaulting my mind. My screams for help, for mercy, my pleas to him to leave me alone, to get off me, are mixed into Harris' imagined pleas, his likely screams...

Rafael softly grasps my head in his hands leaning his forehead gently against mine, as he tenderly whispers that I'm safe, he can't hurt me...

My head shakes adamantly; I need him to understand why I can't allow my mind to think that Harris was sexually assaulted in prison.

 _"Lewis told me...in the beach house...that his father used to take his babysitter into the bedroom while he watched TV...and one day she came out and asked him to 'play' instead...he was only a child, Rafael...she took him into her mouth..."_ The voice that says these words no longer sounds like my voice, the raspy words are barely loud enough to be heard...

_"His father came out of the bedroom to find her...he told me that his father punched her hard, in the face and raped her right in front of him as she screamed...I thought he was looking for some sort of sympathy, Rafael...I asked him if I was supposed to feel sorry for him?...he said no, that's the day he found out what he was born for...his father finished with her and took him out for ice-cream...maybe if he hadn't seen any of that?...maybe if he hadn't experienced it?..."_

I can't really see his face from where we stand forehead to forehead, and I have closed my eyes as I relayed yet another painfully withheld detail...but I feel his body shake slightly as he struggles to absorb my words.

 _"His father showed him how... to rape?..."_ his words are faint, disbelieving, pained, stuttered.

I nod my head tightly, never breaking any point of contact with him.

**_'I am broken and I stand accused_ **

**_Is there someone who can let me loose?_ **

**_If you find the answer make a careful note_ **

**_I could use your pardon and a lot of hope_ **

**_I'm getting to that part at the end of the rope'_ **

_"He kept asking about **my** father..."_

He can clearly feel me tense in his arms and he cups my chin with one hand, his thumb stroking my cheek as he lifts my head until I meet his shimmering green eyes.

_"Maybe it was in his DNA, Rafael, maybe it was all he knew...what if I'm the same? I spend my days with rapists, maybe it's in my DNA too...?"_

I can see a sort of incredulous, dread, fill his face as he looks at me. I don't think he is capable of speaking as he continues to look at me...

 _"My father is a rapist too...he raped my mother..."_ my words falter as I just point a thumb at myself, shrugging, knowing that he will understand without me having to say the words...

 _"Liv..."_ he barely croaks, as he pulls me into him, one hand stroking my face tenderly. Tears roll silently down his cheeks.

I try to wipe his tears away with my thumbs as I hold his face, but I barely wipe them away before a fresh set replace them.

 _"It's not a secret, I just don't really like to tell people..."_ I try to soothe him.

He leans his face into my right hand.

 _"I want Harris to know how much damage he did, but I'm so scared that it's a vicious circle...I don't want him to have been ...but now it's in my head..."_ I swallow deeply.

_"I don't forgive him, I don't want to protect him...I just need it to stop..."_

He nods tightly in understanding, but the tears still flow unhindered.

**_'Take a picture if it helps you sleep_ **

**_Then expose me as your royal creep_ **

**_For now I've torn it we are not the same_ **

**_There's a sun that's breaking through my window pane_ **

**_It's burning up my face, yes, it's doing it again'_ **

I realize, in surprise, that my cheeks and my eyes are dry, but as I look at his tear soaked face, any sense of achievement in keeping control of my tears in his presence is immediately demolished.

 _"You're nothing like him Liv..."_ His words are choked, faint, but heartfelt. I can see in his eyes how much he means it.

For a moment I'm not sure if he means Lewis or Harris or my father...but as I look into his eyes I understand he means all of them.

I try to look away but he pulls my face back to meet his eyes _"You're nothing like him Liv..."._

We stand in front of the couch, grasping onto each other, as if our very lives depend on keeping a tight hold on each other.

We stand there in silence, our only movements, a hand raised as one of us reaches to wipe tears from the face of the other, or a small head tilt to place a soft kiss on the face of the other.

**_'I'd love to let you near me if you find a way in'_ **

_"You are so amazing...everything I learn about you, I'm more in awe of you, your strength, your heart...how can you doubt yourself?"_

He asks delicately, holding me tightly to him.

_"You really didn't know...about my father?"_

He shakes his head sympathetically, but there is no trace of pity.

_"I knew you had a hard childhood, I've heard you mention your mother a little, but no... How did you find out?"_

It makes me smile that his first, tentative, question is not about whether he is in prison, or did I find him, it's how did I find out and all that implies.

Again I'm so grateful that he has uncovered yet another, of my huge secrets, and is not running away from me.

 _"She told me as soon as I was old enough...I can't imagine how hard it was for her...she tried but...I suppose it was just too much...I was too much of a reminder..."_ I bite my lip. _"I guess it's a part of the reason why I do this..."_

_"Can I ask you something Rafael? If you answer, you can't hold back...I need a full answer..."_

He simply nods his agreement to my terms.

_"Amanda said something that has really stuck with me. She said that the details of what happened, with Harris, with Lewis...they're so important, so personal, that for most people they don't matter. I know you heard a lot of the details from the trial, but I've also told you more...do the details matter? Or do they just hurt? Do you want to know or do you regret the knowledge?"_

He takes a very deep breath and nods. I know he is agreeing, he is going to answer.

I can see he is battling, to consider my questions, to put his feelings, his thoughts, into words, so I carefully disengage myself from his arms, gesturing to the brewed coffee. He pulls his tie off, throwing it across the chair to join his long abandoned jacket, he starts to roll his shirt sleeves up as he mentally ticks off my multi-parted question. He distractedly, sits onto the couch again.

**_'No cover up_ **

**_I feel the burning_ **

**_No cover up_ **

**_No time for turning_ **

**_No cover up_ **

**_I hope I'm learning some honesty'_ **

I place the two steaming mugs of coffee in front of us, as he reaches for my hand, pulling me into him, but allowing me to still see his face.

_"Yes... The details matter to me. I want to know everything... They do hurt... Sometimes they haunt me... I try not to, but sometimes when I look at you I can nearly see it all happening again... I hate that I can picture them hurting you... but even when I wish I could permanently erase all the details I stored in my head for the trial, the pictures,... it's only when you tell me the things you didn't tell the jury, the things that for a trial didn't matter...its only when_

_I hear that Harris told you he wanted what every guy wants...it's only when I hear that, I really understand...it's only when you told me about Lewis's father raping his babysitter in front of him then taking him for ice cream that I understand why you don't want Harris to have been assaulted...I don't think_

_I can ever completely understand...but it's the details that allow me a more complete picture...they focus what was before a blurred image..."_

He takes a deep breath, wiping away a couple of errant tears careening down his cheeks.

_"I literally have a pain in my chest, Liv, as I think about these two details. I wish it had never happened with every part of me, but as much as it hurts me, I can't imagine how much it hurts you... I don't regret hearing it, I regret that you are able to tell me details like that...The details matter to me, because you matter to me...every detail that I hear helps me understand better...I have read every book and website I can find to try to help me not scare you, to help me understand what you may be feeling...because I couldn't cope if I hurt you...I need every detail to help us work through it...I've learned so much about how to deal with victims from you, but you are not a victim, you're a survivor, and much more than that, you're so much more, to me, than that...I want to know everything I can..."_

His words mean so much. I know he is not holding back, I know he respects me enough to do as I asked...

_"I don't want you to hurt Rafael, because of me. I don't want you to hate a part of your body because you are afraid you may scare me...I don't want to make you their victim too..."_

We both know so many eloquent technical terms for what I fear but this is not another case, this is our lives...

_"No Liv, **you** aren't hurting me. I'm hurting because you have suffered this. These details, this honesty, it's important to me...Can I ask you something?"_

I nod tightly, worried what he needs permission to ask me...

_"Did you ever tell Cassidy what happened? Or your old partner, after Harris?"_

_"I never told my partner about Harris...he had his suspicions, and Fin says he went nuts, but I never really told anyone about Harris. I didn't tell Cassidy. I didn't want him to know...he was so patient,...he wanted me to talk to him...but I don't think he really wanted to know...he wanted to help me, but it was too much...and maybe I wasn't ready to talk...I was afraid he'd see me differently. You already know so much...and you never treated me differently somehow. You looked out for me more, but I didn't feel like I lost your respect or that you pitied me, or doubted me. Cassidy knew Lewis' M.O... I never told him, I told him Lewis didn't rape me...I'm not sure, he really even believed that..."_

I look at him to see he is biting his lip, considering whether he should say anything...

_"At the time, I wasn't sure if I believed you either, Liv..."_

_"He didn't rape me Rafael...either time..."_

He nods his head, letting out a small, relieved breath.

_"I don't hate my body, Liv. When I heard what happened to Amanda, and when you told me about Harris...I did...but I don't now, I understand...when we lie on the couch, if I try to keep you away it's not that I hate myself, or even that I just want to protect you, I don't want to pressure you, and I don't want to surprise you, because I understand what your brain may associate my body's reaction to you, with..."_

_"I understand that Rafael. I really appreciate it, that you are so thoughtful, that you think of me...but I'm worried that you won't allow me to make my own decisions... when I'm ready, I don't want to have to fight with you...I know that sometimes, I want you to protect me and I don't know how to tell you the difference between when I want you to protect me, and when I don't...sometimes when you move away from me, it feels like you are ashamed that your body is reacting to me..."_

_"No Liv, never...I feel a little ashamed sometimes, that I can't control my reaction to you better, but no... you're too beautiful a woman to not react to...Please believe me, I'm never ashamed my body is reacting to you, just that I'm like a teenage boy, unable to control myself..."_

I can see the red embarrassment flushing up his neck into his cheeks and I know he is telling me the truth.

I smile at him, slightly embarrassed at my own admission, _"I feel slightly less broken, sometimes, when I know that I still have the power to make you feel like a teenage boy..."_

He rolls his eyes, smirking, _"Trust me, you have that power...Liv, you are in control, always...I won't risk scaring you, or triggering you...I suppose maybe once I know you understand why I am moving, if you don't want me to, I won't...Just please don't ever be shy to tell me, you are not comfortable...I won't take offence, I know you trust me..."_

_"How is it that we can sit eating lunch taking about some of the most depraved sex acts, in graphic detail, without a hint of embarrassment and yet we are both, turning bright red at this...?"_

_"Because Rafael, this is about us..."_ I say placing a small kiss on his lips.


	11. Weeping

**This chapter is based around a song _"Weeping"_ by _Bright Blue (Daniel Heymann/Ian Laurence Cohen/Thomas James Fox/Peter David_** **_Cohen.)_ ** **It was written as an anti-apartheid song but I think the sentiments fit this too...**

Despite the embarrassment, or perhaps because of it, I feel more hopeful than I have been in a really long time.

It's not easy, and nowhere near how I would wish things were, but reality very seldom conforms to our wishes, and I'm trying to make the best of how things are.

As I lie very comfortably, in Rafael's arms again, I cannot help reflecting on how we are managing to discuss even the hardest subjects. I can't stop the smile that crosses my face as I remember his confirmation that not only is he attracted to me, but also that I leave him powerless to control his body's reaction to me...

I try not to get carried away, because I know I am still a very long way from whole, but I feel real hope. As I curl tighter into Rafael, I rest my head on his chest.

 _"What else do you want to ask me?"_ I ask, as bravely as I can manage.

He doesn't answer immediately and I know it is because he is battling with the worry that he will stumble across something that I won't be willing to talk about.

_"Would you have told me about Harris' death when Fin told you?"_

I don't know how to answer his question.

_"I don't know...I know I would have told you...but I don't know if I would have told you **then**..."_

He doesn't seem very happy with my answer as his brow furrows slightly.

_"I know I thought about you, I knew if I called you, you'd be there as quick as you could be...but I don't know...I don't know that I was ready to say the words..."_

I see his face relax as he realizes I'm being honest, and he was in my thoughts.

_"Rafael have you really been reading books and websites trying to learn what you should and shouldn't do?"_

He nods slightly. _"I don't want to hurt you Liv, I don't know how to deal with people the same way you do, I don't know what the right things to say and do are. I have had a little training but I don't want to make any mistakes..."_

I smile at his good intentions. _"You've been amazing Rafael. You've always done and said the right things...but you also have to talk to me. I know that when I woke up after that nightmare, I couldn't help you but I can usually help you navigate the minefields... And you need to be able to ask questions...we're doing better than I could ever have imagined...I think it's because we are being so honest...we're talking about everything..."_

He smiles, putting his hand on the back of my neck, moving in to kiss me. He quickly deepens the kiss and I gladly return it. My hand snakes up into his hair, ruffling it a little.

As we separate reluctantly, panting for air, I gesture over to the pile of paper peeking out from behind his coat, _"So if you aren't going to go back to work, are you at least going to do some of that paperwork?"_

His eyebrows shoot up in surprise that I have correctly interpreted his plans, _"Hmmmmm, you're a detective...Yes I'm not going back, I'm not leaving you alone today...Liv, was it really because you couldn't separate yourself from the women in the files that you left work?"_

I try not to remember the images that sent me fleeing to the bathroom this morning, _"I couldn't read any of their statements without seeing myself or_ _Harris...usually only a very occasional case will summon up some of the memories, but today, every case was too hard...Fin, Amanda, Carisi, they all understand, and they know I'm only at the end of the phone if they need me..."_

I can his concern for me in his kind green eyes as he pulls me in for another soft kiss, _"I'm glad that for once you are looking after yourself ...go have a nice relaxing bath...try to take care of yourself...?"_

I quickly glance at the clock, to see if I have enough time for a bath before Lucy is due home with Noah.

 _"Don't hurry Liv, Noah can show me how well his dinosaur smashes through towers of bricks...please, relax in a bath?"_ he says quickly, almost reading my mind.

I sigh deeply, rolling my shoulders, suddenly conscious of all the muscles that would benefit from a warm soak. I quickly lean in for one more kiss, before I head into the bathroom to run a bath as he suggested.

The steamy water that starts to fill the tub becomes more and more inviting as I drizzle in a scented bath gel whose label promises to help me 'relax and unwind from the stresses and pressures of the day'.

I quickly undress, eager to slip into the welcoming warmth of the tub that awaits me, grateful for Rafael's considerate suggestion.

As I step into the warm, scented, water, my muscles immediately start to loosen. I can only imagine that after a long soak I will only be fit for bed and I can't help the hope that he will, again, spend the night with me.

I relax back into the tub, my head resting on a carefully placed, folded towel, the warmth of the water soothing the tight muscles I hadn't even noticed earlier.

The comforting presence of Rafael just outside the door, allows me to relax more than I have, in a very long time.

The knots in my muscles start to melt into the delicious heat of my bath. My mind also allows me a brief respite from the almost constant turmoil it sometimes feels like I have always lived with. I try not to show it, but it's usually there somewhere in the background...

As I lie in my tub, it is nowhere in evidence though. I feel like I am at peace. I know it can't last but I'm determined to enjoy it for as along as I possibly can.

My eyes drift down to the small gold chain around my neck. I never take it off. It means a lot more than a piece of jewellery should.

It's a reminder that I have somewhere I belong, that there is a group of people who care for me, it is a reminder of my son...it is a reminder of the man who so carefully picked it out...

My eyes continue their journey down my body, it's shape distorting as the water ripples softly. Semi circles of water push away from my chest as I breath in and out, rippling away until they lose their definition and become a tiny obscure wave.

Through the gentle movements of the slightly cloudy water, I do something I very seldom do... I look at my body.

It seems like a strange thing to admit but I very rarely look at my own body...I can't help but vaguely see it as I clean and dress myself but I don't really look at it. Through the lightly moving water, I look carefully at the body that I usually try to avoid.

The scars on my chest, as always, are what immediately catch my eye. I know that they are faded now, they are not the eyesores they once were, when the wounds that caused them were fresh, but still...I don't think I can ever really accept them.

It's not a vanity; I have other scars, that don't bother me. I think it's how I came by them, that makes them so hard to accept, and they are a constant reminder.

The scars continue all the way down my torso, onto my legs, and they stretch up onto my arms. They take so many different forms, from barely discernable silvery, white, marks, to pinky, red, raised lumps. Some of the burns are easier to feel, than to see, the skin rough, uneven... As I look at the marks on my skin, I can still list off their causes; a burning key, a hot clothes hanger, a knife, a can opener, ropes, handcuffs, a fist... I don't allow myself to feel them being made but I know that one second of distraction and the memories I am holding at bay will flood back.

I try to disregard the scars, to view my body without seeing the marks that litter my skin. After all, the marks on my skin, are sometimes easier to deal with than the invisible wounds, whose scars cannot be seen but are no less present.

I'm not as slim as I was in my younger days... I'm still in proportion, not grotesquely ballooned; I'm just a little bigger than I once was. My hips are rounded and womanly. I have a waist, not as slim as I would like it to be. I like my chest though, it is curvy, full, and hasn't surrendered to gravity yet, it too is very womanly, and when the hideous scars are hidden behind clothes, it allows me to feel, almost 'feminine'. I suppose it's not as bad as it could be...

I can't help but wonder if Rafael would be disappointed by it?

I hate that this worries me, but it does.

**_'I knew a man who lived in fear_ **

**_It was huge, it was angry, it was drawing near_ **

**_Behind his house, a secret place_ **

**_Was the shadow of a demon he could never face_ **

**_He built a wall of steel and flame_ **

**_And men with guns to keep it tame_ **

**_And standing back, he made it plain_ **

**_That the nightmare would never ever rise again_ **

**_But the fear and the fire and the guns remain'_ **

Before...before all of it, before Lewis, even before Harris, I was fairly confident in my body. Sure, there were always bits I wished were smaller or more toned, but in general I felt I looked ok. I was comfortable in my own skin.

I was never someone who wore revealing clothes, or walked around the house naked, but I was never shy about my shape. I was happy to let a man see me. I was relaxed in my naked form, I knew how my body liked to be touched, what gave me pleasure.

I'm no longer so in tune with my physical self.

I've always worn very un-revealing, conservative clothes for work. Shirts and pantsuits usually, but I was confident a couple of buttons popped open on the shirt, or the fabric of the pants hugging my butt or hips was enough for me to still feel like a sexy woman. Now the same shirts and pantsuits are something for me to hide behind. The pants may still hug my butt or hips but I don't feel it anymore, the slightly androgynous, professionally appropriate, clothing mirrors my sexless self. And when I do dress up, in a dress or skirt, I like how it looks in the mirror of my room, but when I leave the house I feel slightly like I am on display.

When I think back to when I was with Brian, even before Lewis. I didn't have all the scars my encounter with Lewis left me, I was the same shape I am now, but there was still a slight reservation, that hadn't been there once... I know that woman, was not the same as she was before Harris.

Her skin wasn't marked the way it is now, but she had scars. She slowly learned how to find pleasure in her own body again, but she was not as 'free' as she once was.

I can't stop myself from chewing on my lip as I wonder how this woman, the woman with innumerable scars, will handle intimacy?

Objectively, I know it is completely reasonable that I could never make that physical leap with Brian, we weren't together very long after Lewis, a few months that were taken up by nightmares and pain and physical healing before the mental healing could even begin. We did share a bed, we cuddled, very carefully at first, but even in the months that followed there was always a calculated caution in our physical contact.

I don't know did it come from him or from me?

As time progressed we started to be slightly, more comfortable, sleeping in each others arms again, even when sometimes I still woke to crippling nightmares. We kissed, and carefully touched...but things never went further.

Everything just felt cautious...before Lewis there was passion, fun and an easy, relative uninhibitedness, after **him** there was caution...

I don't blame Brian. He was more patient with me than I could ever expect from anyone. Whenever we tried to progress things, there were tears, panic and pain, I pulled away from him, physically and emotionally. I dread to think how much damage I did to him... I wonder if he has ever gotten rid of the fears my reactions put inside him? If I am still not ready now, two long years after, he had no chance in the few short months that followed my pain. We had only separated when it all started again. As hard as it was to cope alone, after the second time, I can't help but admit it was also easier...

I feel sorry for the hurt that I caused Brian. I never wanted to hurt him. I can't allow myself to hurt Rafael like I inadvertently hurt Brian.

I know I have just told Rafael that I'm not afraid of his body, but I'm not sure how true that is. I want to feel his skin against mine. I want to feel his touch. I want to feel pleasure from my body again,... but I'm scared. I know it's normal to feel this way, but it feels like my mind is betraying me somehow. I worry about how I will feel when he is pressed up against me, his hardness asking for attention? Will I feel Lewis against me instead? When I see him naked, will I be able to separate him from Harris? Would I be able to lie under Rafael without feeling trapped?

Even if I manage all of that, would I ever be able to relax enough to find real pleasure?

I have no doubt that Rafael would be gentle. I'm sure he would know not to hold me down but I don't want caution to define us in the same way it came to define the post-Lewis Brian and me.

I want more of the passion I felt when we touched each other last night. There was caution, he stopped things, but there was definitely passion too.

I know that there is no right time...I know you have to wait until you are ready, but how will I know I'm ready?

How do I make sure there isn't another panic-stricken, tear filled attempt, which leaves two people trying to deconstruct every move they made, to try and find where they went wrong?

I felt like last night I would have been happy to go a little further, that I hadn't found my limit...but what would my limit have been?

**_'And then one day, the neighbors came_ **

**_They were curious to know about the smoke and flame_ **

**_They stood around outside the wall_ **

**_But of course, there was nothing to be heard at all_ **

**_"My friends," he said, "We've reached our goal_ **

**_The threat is under firm control_ **

**_As long as peace and order reign_ **

**_I'll be damned if I can see a reason to explain_ **

**_Why the fear and the fire and the guns remain"'_ **

Is this something I lay here and decide, what I would like to happen if he stays with me again tonight? Do I set limits now or do I talk to him and try to plan how far things are allowed to go? Or do we do as we did last night, and just let nature take its course?

It strikes me all of a sudden that I haven't even considered him yet...I remember how upset he was at Amanda's disclosure, that he really worried about how he would approach a sexual relationship again...

That was months ago, but I'm pretty sure he hasn't been seeing anyone so he may be still trying to find his way too...?

And I know he is very conscious of not hurting me so how do we find the balance we need between caution and passion?

**_'It doesn't matter now, it's over anyhow_ **

**_He tells the world that it's sleeping_ **

**_But as the night came 'round_ **

**_I heard its lonely sound_ **

**_It wasn't roaring, it was weeping'_ **

A gentle shiver draws my attention back to a quickly cooling bath.

I check my phone to find I have been in here for nearly an hour. Even with the rapidly plummeting temperature of the water, I find myself reluctantly dragging myself out of the tub, wrapping a large, soft, warm towel around my body. A smaller towel winds itself around my head piling my wet hair on top of my head, as I dry off my body. Again, I try not to concentrate on the hated scars, as I rub the towel over my skin. Whilst not as familiar with my body as I once was, at this moment, the huge disconnected hostility I felt for it, seems to have eased into a sort of détente.

I gather up the clothes I was wearing before my bath, throwing them into the laundry hamper, heading back into my room still wrapped in my towel, as I hear little feet pattering towards me as soon as the bathroom door clicks open. I start to towel my hair as an excited Noah appears in the doorway.

 _"Hello my baby boy. How was the park? Did you enjoy storytelling?"_ I say, as I reach down and sweep him up into my arms. He babbles away, his hands gesturing wildly as he tries to tell me all about his day. Occasionally I catch a couple of words that I repeat approvingly, as he giggles and returns to his story.

A very amused Barba stands in the doorway watching as Noah recounts his day's activities with enthusiastic hand movements.

_"I'm sorry Liv, once he heard the door, he was up and gone before I could catch up with him...I had an assault course of building blocks to contend with, Ithink he has the unfair advantage of previous experience with it..."_

I nod carefully at Noah, turning to Rafael slightly _"That's ok Rafael. I'm surprised I didn't hear him...You did well to keep him from joining my bath!"_

His eyes sparkle as a big chuckle escapes, _"I did wonder if that was his intention when he pulled off his shoes and socks and started on his shirt...How was your bath?"_

I sigh contently as I hug Noah.

_"I don't know when I last felt so relaxed Rafael...thank you"_

Noah has started wiggling in my arms so I let him down again, and he zips back out to finish whatever demolition he had left uncompleted. I automatically walk towards the door to see what he is doing. The immediate crash of blocks also draws Rafael back out of the doorway, and I find myself, still wrapped only in a towel, standing beside him.

I think it may have been when I felt his eyes on me that I realized I was only wearing a towel. As I look to him, I find his green eyes carefully taking in every inch of my exposed skin.

 _"Busted..."_ I whisper softly, as his eyes quickly pull away and a slight tinge of red creeps into his cheeks.

He clears his throat gently, _"I'm sorry Liv..."_ he starts to say but I swiftly cut him off .

_"I'm not Rafael...it felt good..."_

He looks up into my eyes and sees that I wasn't uncomfortable and I mean it.

That smirk of his, creeps onto his lips, his eyes twinkle mischievously, _"I think I'll just pick up where I left off so..."_

We both laugh, and Noah, anxious to be part of whatever is so funny, giggles too.

I can't resist pulling his smirking lips in for a quick kiss, before heading back to my room to redress.

As I dress quickly, in an outfit very similar to the one I have just thrown into the laundry hamper, I make a decision to be brave, strolling out into the living room,

 _"Rafael, I was just thinking, maybe you should go home and do a little work, you won't get much done here..."_ I say gesturing to the one child demolition crew, _"And maybe, you would come back...bring some clothes to save you having to run home in the morning?"_

The frown that had been forming as he thought I was kicking him out instantly disappears, a wide smile replacing it, as he understands I'm asking him to stay the night again.

_"I'd love to Liv."_

_"I really did enjoy my bath Rafael, thank you for the suggestion and for watching Noah...I was thinking..."_ I try not to show it, but my nerves start to show through as I bite my lip _"...do you think any of those books you've been reading...might have a chapter...about how to..."_ I can see he is listening carefully, _"...work towards starting a sexual relationship...?"_

_"Liv, there's no need to worry about that, there's no pressure at all..."_

_"I know Rafael, I don't feel pressured. I enjoyed what we did last night..."_ I can feel my cheeks redden as I speak but I know I need to say it, " _I want to do that again...and maybe a little more...I'm still scared...I don't really know where my limits are, or how to go about this...maybe we could read...and try to figure it out?"_

He steps closer to me, winding his arms around my waist.

_"Liv, I enjoyed last night too, not just touching you, sleeping beside you, all of it...I have no expectations. I'd be happy to bring over some of the books I've been reading but there is no pressure, no expectations..."_

I kiss him again.

_"I know Rafael. It's something I've been thinking about...I don't want to repeat my mistakes...maybe I could do with a little 'professional guidance'...and a lot of talking?"_

He nods slowly, his eyes never leaving mine, _"Anytime Liv...we can talk about anything..."_

_"That's why I think I feel so relaxed...and hopeful..."_

He looks at me carefully, smiling when he sees I am relaxed.

_"So go do some work and I'll see you in a few hours?"_

He nods, picking up his files, his briefcase and his jacket, throwing his tie into his pants pocket. He leans in and kisses me again.

 _"See you later Noah."_ He waves at Noah who happily waves back.

_"We can have some more chinese food for dinner Rafael, I think we have a **bit** left from lunch..."_

We both laugh again, leaning in for a final kiss.


	12. 12 things........

**A/N ***This chapter is a little different from the rest of the story, it's not based around a song, it's based on a piece of writing...I understand that a lot of people don't read lyrics in a story, but I would ask that you try to read these words that are not mine, they are perhaps more important than my words... This is long but I couldn't find a way to split it.** ***

 

 

The few hours left in the afternoon and early evening fly by, in a mess of laughter and playing and stories, until a freshly fed and bathed Noah lies in his bed, trying to fight his heavy eyelids to hear the end of the third story he has demanded. As his eyelids droop closed for the last time, I place a soft kiss on his forehead.

I have really enjoyed the unexpected time with my quickly growing son, and he seemed to understand the unusual weekday treat of having so much time to play, so he took full advantage of my unbroken attention.

I smile at the toys littering the living room. They are evidence of our time together and the fun we had, as his imagination grows as quickly as his little body.

I start to collect the colored blocks into the toy box, that Rafael once teased was merely decoration, knowing that he will soon be back.

The toys are quickly gathered into the corner that has become theirs, and I turn my attention to the kitchen where Noah's dinner has left its mark. He wants to feed himself but is so easily distracted that he often wears and drops more than he eats. I know he eats plenty and it is all part of his normal development so I just set to cleaning up the mess that seems to always follow in his wake.

I am glad when a soft tap on the door announces Rafael's presence again.

I wipe my hands on a cloth, walking quickly to the door.

He steps inside, smiling, with a small bag in addition to his regular briefcase. He is dressed casually, in jeans and a sweater and I find I like this more relaxed looking Barba. He reaches into the small bag to pull out a bottle of my favorite red wine, kissing me softly before heading to the kitchen to open it.

As I finish throwing Noah's dinner dishes in the sink he turns to me, pulling me into his arms _"How do you feel Liv?"_

I smile, nodding, as I rest my head on his shoulder contentedly.

We take a glass of wine each and head over to the couch taking our regular places, as I lean back into his arms and he stretches out along its length.

 _"Did you bring any of those books Rafael?"_ I ask knowing he won't volunteer them for fear of pressuring me.

I can feel his uncertainty as I sit up, turning towards him.

_"I brought what I have... I quickly looked through them...after you told me in particular, what you were looking for...there's not really a lot I could find on the topic in them...there seems to be more about it in writing aimed at...the men in the women's lives..."_

I can see his is more than a little uncomfortable, and even though it is not an easy conversation his unease is a lot more than I expected...

 _"What's bothering you Rafael?"_ I ask gently taking his hand, looking him straight in the eye, _"We can talk about anything..."_ I reassure him...

He seems relieved at my question but also more ill at ease...

 _"This feels wrong Liv...not the conversation...or the reference material...but me giving them to you..."_ His eyes drift down until I take his face in my hand, he leans into my hand looking back up at me _, "I can't see how taking this material from me isn't pressuring you..."_

The depth of his thoughtfulness floors me. I can't speak and I can't stop the tears that fill my eyes. I can see his breathing speed up, and fear cloud his face as his eyes widen...

_"This isn't pressure Rafael, I don't feel pressured...you are giving me some of the best of your research to help me...I don't know if I'm strong enough to wade through unhelpful, hurtful material now,...I want to try and build a relationship with you, but to do that we need to talk? You are just helping me start the conversation..."_

Whilst still not completely convinced, I can see him relaxing that I don't feel pressured. I lean into him fully, wrapping my arms around him tightly, kissing him lightly, _"Thank you so much Rafael, for being so thoughtful, for being so caring..."_

He returns the hug tightly, _"Ok...there doesn't seem to be a lot on the subject specifically but I did find something that I thought might be a little helpful..."_

He reaches for his briefcase, pulling out two printed pages, _"I downloaded this for you...I know you weren't raped, and some of it doesn't apply, maybe it's even a little simplistic, but I thought it might be kindda what you were looking for..."_ I can see he is a little nervous that somehow his choice of material will somehow insult me so I squeeze his hand gently before taking the proffered pages.

**_ '12 Things No One Told Me About Sex After Rape' _ **

**_By CJ Hale_ **

**_'There is a strange sort of unspoken theory that once a woman has been raped, sex is no longer a viable option for her. Sex has been replaced by trauma, fear, pain, and anxiety. I'm not saying this is never the case. Every survivor's story and experience is different, but too often the assumption is that if you have been raped, you are sexually broken and forever unfixable. That sort of discourse is not healthy or empowering or even sympathetic. What I want to say is what I wish I had been told: rape is not a form of sex, it is a form of assault. Sex feels good. Assault is traumatizing. It is possible for sex to exist after rape because they are different experiences, just like it's possible for you to still enjoy going out to eat even if you got food poisoning once. You might never go back to that restaurant again, but it doesn't mean you will get food poisoning every time you go out.'_ **

I can see he is watching me carefully as I read every word. His eyes flicking between my face and the page I clasp in my hand.

**_'Admittedly, I don't know what sex before rape is like. I lost my virginity to rape at 14. People are willing to give a lot of guidance on what a survivor is supposed to do after her rape. Do not change clothes. Do not shower. Have someone you trust take you to the hospital. Report it immediately to law enforcement. Reach out to loved ones, find a therapist, become an advocate for other survivors._ **

**_But it's been 10 years and these are the things nobody told me about sex after rape:_ **

**_1\. Nobody tells you that you'll feel guilty the first time you have a crush on a guy after your rape. Aren't you supposed to hate men now? I mean, ugh, penises are evil and one ruined your life. You shouldn't even be thinking about boys. That's what got you in trouble in the first place. (Oh, hey rape culture, how'd you get here?)'_ **

The words are swimming on the page and there are a couple of tears already soaking into the page, and I am only at number one. I can't speak so I gently point a finger at number one and look to him nodding faintly.

He immediately understands that I feel this confusing guilt, this fear. He takes my free hand in his squeezing tightly, lifting it to his lips, kissing it gently.

His other arm is loosely around my body as I lean slightly against him.

My finger traces my journey down the page to number two...

**_'2. Nobody tells you that you'll be called a tease when you draw the line at making out. Even though you're pretty proud of yourself for this minor victory on your path to regaining any confidence in expressing your sexuality, some people will think you're a prude because you won't take off your pants.'_ **

I look into his tear-filled, shimmering, green eyes, _"Never Liv, every tiny step is a victory and I will never pressure you for more. You are in control, always...there is **no point** that you can't say stop. I will never be offended. Please don't ever allow things to just continue...The only way you could ever hurt me is to not stop me if you are not comfortable no matter whether it is a kiss or more..."_

I nod softly letting my finger continue to trace down the page to number three...

**_'3. Nobody tells you that the first time you do take off your pants in front of a potential partner you'll cry almost immediately and put them back on, leaving without an explanation. You'll feel embarrassed and stupid and you'll wonder if you're ever going to be capable of intimacy ever again.'_ **

Another tear-filled, failed, attempt with Brian flashes through my head as I nod again, _"It just feels like such a failure...like I'm not an adult..."_

He carefully wipes my tears away, _"It's ok, what can we do?"_

I expected him to tell me it didn't matter but when he asks for a plan of how to deal with it, I understand he half expects it to happen and instead of feeling angry and damaged as I had expected I would, I feel hope again...

I know we are trying to formulate a plan for any sort of aborted attempt at intimacy, but I just don't know, I don't have any suggestions, I don't want to need any plan...

He has obviously really thought about this though, _"Should I move away from you, give you space?"_ he asks carefully.

I shake my head, trying to envisage situations where this could happen, _"That would probably feel worse...maybe hold my hand..."_ I whisper.

He smiles, nodding, _"What about clothing? If I'm partly dressed, should I cover up or redress?"_

My hand reaches up to stroke his cheek, _"You've really thought about this Rafael?"_

_"I'd thought about it a little before, but after what you said this afternoon...I need to ask you for guidance when I'm not sure...I don't want to hurt you..."_

I nod, more grateful than I could ever put into words _"I don't know about clothes, Rafael. I suppose it depends on the situation...maybe don't jump up and get dressed..."_

 _"Maybe just pull a sheet or something across my lap?"_ he suggests softly, " _it wouldn't feel like I was pulling away but if you were scared it might make it a little easier...?"_

In this simple offer he has shown how hard he is trying to understand, he understands that if he were to pull away I may feel even more embarrassed, more stupid, and still he knows that his naked body could be a cause for upset if my mind can't separate his body from a much less welcome one...

Another quick nod decides it, as my finger slides down the list to number four

**_'4. Nobody tells you that masturbation is a healing practice (OK, maybe your therapist suggested it once or twice) and that realizing you're capable of sexual satisfaction after rape is an incredible, powerful feeling. Sometimes it takes a while to feel wholly reunited with your body in this way, and you're allowed to take all the time you need. Sexual exploration is a journey, not a destination.'_ **

He looks at me tenderly, silently questioning...

I'm uncomfortable, not for the obvious reason of the subject matter, but because of my earlier thoughts of how disconnected I was with my own body.

_"Liv, we can talk about anything...are you comfortable with your body?"_

I shrug, _"I'm not completely at ease...but...it's nowhere near as bad as it was...it's sort of a truce I suppose...I don't feel like I used to, before...and the scars are horrible, it's not just the look of them, it's what they remind me of, but it's a lot easier now...I know you couldn't see them last night, but you could feel them, and I knew that...but I didn't care...even though your touch involved them, I felt pleasure..."_

He smiles, _"It's important..."_ he whispers softly, not pushing or embarrassing me. And when my finger slides down the page again he kisses the hand he has and lets the subject go...

**_'5. Nobody tells you that your PTSD symptoms will be scoffed at. Your boundaries will be called "arbitrary" and you will be accused of "wielding sex as a weapon" and "putting yourself on a pedestal." Someone should tell you that people who say these things are the worst type of people to be around. They have no right to make you feel ashamed, but they will. If they have the potential to get angry about the choices you make about what you do with your body, they are not worth your time or energy or thought or love. But nobody tells you that.'_ **

I just kiss his cheeks softly, silencing him with a finger on his lips, _"They're not arbitrary, and you know that, you would never make feel ashamed..."_

He kisses the finger silencing him and nods repeatedly, as my finger moves us on to number seven.

**_'6. Nobody tells you that the 'rape talk' will be a thing that has to happen before any romantic relationship gets too serious. Nobody lets you know that immature men will freak out and refer to your rape as "baggage" when they cut things off. And unfortunately, nobody mentions that some men will hold your hand and weep with you when you tell them, because they can't believe anyone would be capable of hurting you.'_ **

_"It's not one conversation, it's something that we will have to keep coming back to, especially in our jobs...you have to be able to tell me if you feel like you did after Amanda's disclosure,...and if I'm feeling particularly fragile I have to tell you...we see so much pain in our work, it's sometimes going to effect us...we have to be able to talk about it."_

He again, nods his agreement, " _I'm glad we're doing this Liv...I was worried...I wasn't sure what I should or shouldn't do...I feel more confident now, that_

_I don't have to know...I can ask you...and I have a basic set of boundaries to fall back on...even before this was a possibility, between us,... I was worried about how to go about a sexual relationship,... after Amanda's disclosure,... with anyone...Fin confirmed what you said about sex being difficult in our line of work...I'd be nervous with anyone...it terrifies me that I could do anything to hurt someone like that..."_

I know how hard it was for him to admit to me that he hasn't been with anyone since that, and that he would have reservations even if I didn't... _"That's how I know you could never hurt anyone Rafael, because you feel like that..."._

This time when I reassure him that he could never hurt anyone, it is with a long kiss and he chuckles lightly _"See if you had reassured me like this the first time, I wouldn't have waited so long for more reassurance..."_. There is a twinkle of mischief in his eye and a smirk on his lips...

 _"Number seven...Counselor..."_ I remind him, bringing his attention back to the list

**_'7. Nobody tells you that there are men who are patient and kind. Some men will listen and support you and they will read and research and seek to understand. They will ask you what you like and what you don't like, they will be explicit about their concerns, and they will treat you with respect and dignity.'_ **

_"If you're really lucky you won't need anyone to tell you that..."_ I whisper placing small kisses all over his face.

 _"We're not at twelve yet Sergeant..."_ he gently teases guiding my finger to number eight

**_'8. Nobody tells you that the first few times you try sex again it might not go well. You might have a panic attack or a flashback, and you might scream or shake or cry or throw up or all of the above. What they should tell you is that the right partner will stroke your back or make you tea or hold your hair back for you. He'll leave if he's asked and he'll keep his phone on him so you can talk if you need to.'_ **

_"Please don't ask me to leave... I'll gladly hold your hand, or stroke your back or make you tea, I'll leave the room, I'll give you space or hold you tight...but please don't ask me to leave?"_ He softly pleads, _"I don't think I could cope with the guilt if you asked me to leave, it would feel like I'd hurt you..."_

He looks thoroughly miserable at the thought of being asked to leave and I understand, that as I'd feel worse after a failed attempt, by him jumping up to redress or pulling away from me completely, he'd feel that way if I asked him to leave.

I bite my lip, carefully considering his plea, _"I might need some space..."_

_"I understand that Liv, I understand if you get scared, you may not want me to touch you in anyway, that even holding your hand may be too much, you might feel like you want to shower...I know that it's not about me, I'm sure I'd struggle to remember it at the time but I do understand it...but I couldn't bear to leave you...like that...If you kicked me out I don't think I could get any further than the hallway...I don't want you to think I don't respect you or that I'm trying to control you..."_

I realize this is pretty much what happened after my nightmare, only last night, and in some ways it feels so long ago...I remember how angry his apparent disregard of my wishes made me, and how I lashed out indiscriminately...

_"I'll try Rafael but if I need you to leave, I promise to call you as soon as I calm down enough...and I will try to explain, as best I can why I needed you to leave...I don't want to promise something I may not be able to keep. Last night when you wouldn't leave, I was angry at you, it felt like I wasn't in control, even of who was in my apartment..."_

I can see he is thinking about this, _"I didn't think about it that way, I thought you were embarrassed and scared...I didn't think about it like that, you woke up and thought **he** was hurting you, and then you couldn't even control who was in your home?...Ok"_

I know this agreement is hard for him but he knows I will really try to avoid asking him to leave.

We return our focus again to the pages still clasped in my hand...

**_'9. Nobody tells you that the first time you successfully, enjoyably have sex again is empowering, and freeing, and overwhelming. Even if it only lasts two minutes, it will feel like an enormous victory. You will be happy in a way you weren't sure you would be happy again.'_ **

We look into each other's eyes hopefully, knowing that this step would mean so much more than just the act of pleasure. The author has understood something I wasn't sure anyone would ever understand, for me successfully embarking on a sexual relationship isn't just about the physical pleasure it could bring. It's not even about just being closer to this man.

 _"It's not just about sex Rafael...it's a way of taking back control of my own body."_ My tears come fast and heavy as I struggle to explain something I'm not sure I completely understand myself, _"What Lewis did, what Harris did, it was sexual...but it wasn't about sex...but as long as I can't...my body isn't mine...it's still **his**...every failure just means **he** still owns my body... **he** 'll never be gone when I can't control my own body...I can still hear **his** voice in my head, but I can usually control that...when I can't separate what **he** did from pleasure... **he** has taken too much...I want to take this back...I want the choice...I want to feel again..."_

I can't explain what it means, **he** has taken too much of who I am, no, who I was...I hate that I'm even thinking it, I can't say the words to Rafael, but I want to feel like a woman again...a sexy woman, not a sexless, lump of meat...I want an identity that goes deeper than what I do...it feels like I don't have a stand-alone identity anymore, I'm an SVU Sergeant, maybe soon to be Lieutenant, I'm Noah's mom and as much as I've worked hard for both of those titles, as much as I value them, especially being someone's mom...on my own, I'm nothing...I want to be desirable...I want to be lusted after by this man...I want to be capable of deciding to share my body with someone...I don't want to fear my own sexuality...I don't want to stay like this.

_"I don't want to be like this anymore...what **they** did, had nothing to do with sex... **he** said that I wanted everything that **he** did, I didn't...I told **him** I'd do anything, I told **him** I knew how to get **him** off, I tried to seduce **him** to save my life... I tried to use my body to stop **him** from killing me...If I believed it would keep me alive I probably would have done anything **he** wanted...I need to know that wanting to be with you, doesn't mean I somehow wanted what **he** did...I want to stop panicking when I need to make a doctor's appointment because I know there will be tears and panic when something as mundane as a smear test is mentioned...I have no idea how I got through a rape kit, I can't have really been there, because I can't even think about it...I want to be free from **him** "_

Again I have reduced him to tears, one hand tightly clasps mine, his other arm still loosely encircles me but he seems to instinctively know not to pull me into him, I can see he wants nothing more than to hold me, I can see the pain in his face, his eyes, in the way he holds his body. We are both sobbing messes.

_"You want to take back control..."_

All I can do is nod, there is nothing left for me to say...

_"You will Liv, I can't begin to understand how much is wrapped up in this for you...I'm glad you want to be with me... I'm glad you trust me to tell me all of this and to even consider taking this step with me...I want to be with you...nothing he said or did makes any difference to that, or to how I feel about you... You didn't want any of what **they** did...You did nothing wrong...None of this is your fault...We can do this...Is it ok if I hold you?"_

Again his only answer is a nod before I launch myself into him, squeezing him as tight as I can while his arms wrap tightly around me, and one hand rubs my back while his other hand strokes my hair.

I keep replaying his soothing words _'We can do this'... 'I'm glad you want to be with me', 'I want to be with you...nothing **he** said or did makes any difference to that or to how I feel about you'._

As I calm down I can feel the scrunched up sheets of paper still tightly grasped in my sweaty, cramping hand.

I slowly unclasp my contorted hand, unsticking my hand from the tear sodden sheets, trying to smooth them on his leg as I lay in his arms with my head against his chest.

My arms wrap back around him but the crinkled, paper calls my attention to the last few items we never got to...

**_'10. Nobody tells you that it doesn't work that way every time. PTSD isn't cured by one blissful experience, and anxiety is a bitch._ ** **_Sometimes you will burrow down deep in your comforter and wish you could just be NORMAL and have NORMAL sex like a NORMAL person._ ** **_And it is frustrating. But you will remember that one bad experience does not negate your ability to have future good experiences. And you will drink your tea and feel better.'_ **

I nearly laugh at the ridiculously timed gem of wisdom in our present context, quickly skipping on...

**_'11. Nobody tells you that people are capable of loving you after you've been raped, and that you are capable of loving back. You are allowed to give yourself to someone completely. Likewise, you are allowed to hold back. You are allowed to be fearful but you are also allowed to trust again. Your healing process is your own and regardless of how you get there, know that as long as you are taking care of yourself, nobody has any right to tell you differently.'_ **

As I glance up at the man whose arms I'm lying in, I see a pair of green eyes looking back down at me. My hope is bruised but perhaps also a little stronger as he leans down to place a soft kiss on my forehead

 _"Sometimes you don't feel like you've made progress but you have..."_ he whispers into my hair.

I know he may be right but I'm too raw to feel it...

**_'12. Nobody tells you that just because he's the first boy you slept with since your rape doesn't mean you have to fall in love with him. You don't "owe" anyone else your love or happiness or body. You can be thankful and appreciative and comfortable, but if he's not "the one," don't settle just because he treated you better than your rapist. You're going to have good days and bad days. You're going to have good sex and bad sex.'_ **

I barely even have a conscious thought as I read this last item on the list that gets knocked to the floor when I move to curl into him even tighter, feeling that he really may be there on the good and bad days. I just relax in his embrace, smelling the scent of him, that is so familiar and comforting.

When I feel my eyes start to close, the lids drooping much as Noah's had earlier, I slowly get to my feet, stretching lightly before I take his hand in mine and pull him to his feet, _"Let's go to bed..."_ I whisper.

We walk over to where he left his bag before heading into the bedroom. I lead him to sit on the bed, as I gather some pajamas and head into the bathroom. I return in a pair of sleep shorts and a thin tank top, to find he has also changed into his own nightwear, which is a pair of men's sleep shorts and t-shirt.

I can see him try not to obviously look at my bare skin of my arms and legs as I walk towards him.

I take his hand and lead him back over to my bed, turning to him as his legs hit the mattress. Without thinking I grab the bottom of the t-shirt he has just put on, attempting to pull it over his head. His arms start to cooperate by raising, until his brain intervenes _..."Liv..."_ his voice is husky, his eyes pleading with me to stop...

_"I know...I just want to feel your skin...I just want to rest my head on your chest..."_

I can see him dithering, trying to decide if this is a good idea...

 _"Are you sure Liv?"_ he asks in the same voice.

I nod softly, _"Just your shirt...",_ I don't know who the assurance is for, but when I pull the bottom of his shirt up again, he doesn't stop me and raises his arms to help me take it off. When it is off, he takes it from me and carefully lays it on the bedside table, silently making it clear he can put it back on if I want him to.

I crawl onto the bed and turn to him as he lies beside me. My hand softly strokes the skin of his chest, gently rubbing the soft hair. I lean in and kiss him deeply as the uncovered skin of my upper chest meets his. I can feel my body reacting to the feel of his skin on mine.

_"I don't want to stop Rafael..."_

I only need to glance at his eyes to know he feels the same, but he gently pulls my body to his side.

I nod my agreement that maybe this is as far as things should go now, and with a little help from me, he moves us around until my head is lying on his chest and my body is curled into his side. He has remembered how scared I was when I woke up to his arms wrapped around me, so one arm loosely lies across my shoulders while his other hand lightly holds my hand to his chest.

He leans down to kiss my head _"Goodnight Liv..."_

In return I place a couple of kisses on his chest where my head lies, _"Goodnight Rafael...thank you..."_ I whisper back as a huge yawn escapes my lips.

I know that I will be asleep in no time, because I feel safe and relaxed.

My last thoughts are of slight incredulity that a half naked man is in my bed, and that his presence almost guarantees me a good night's sleep... as my eyes slide closed.

**_'But you're still alive, and I just thought maybe someone should tell you.'_ **

 

 

**A/N This chapter was based off an article written _by CJ Hale called 12 Things No One Told Me About Sex After Rape_. I just wanted to let ** **Olivia and Rafael introduce it before I credited it.**


	13. Say something

**This one is based around "Say Something" by A Great Big World.**

 

My mind is foggy, everything is sleep blurred...I know I'm not awake but somehow I'm not asleep either.

I'm trapped in that state between them, where I'm vaguely conscious of reality, but also, a sort of prisoner, to whatever imaginings my mind wishes to subject me to.

It has happened before, a lot, **this** has slowly taken the place of screaming nightmares, a silent, terrifying reminder that my brain is still trying to process so much...it helps to know what it is, but still, in the moment, it's frightening.

In reality, I can hear the regular, soft, breathing of a person, I can feel a body beside me, well the warmth of what my mind tells me is a body. My eyes are closed and I can't seem to open them. It doesn't seem to be that I can't make the muscles work it seems to be that my mind doesn't want to tell the muscles to open them...

In my mind, I'm staring into a dark, black, nothingness. I'm scared. I'm not screaming or shaking or even moving away from anything, I'm just there...

It's not a nightmare. I can't be dreaming because I'm not asleep. I don't know what is happening but a sense of panic starts to build.

'It's not happening, it's not real...' I keep telling myself. This has worked before. I know it's not real and if I keep telling myself, my brain eventually opens my eyes.

I try to concentrate on reality...who can I hear?

All of a sudden, I just know...it's like pieces just drop into place from nowhere...it's Rafael...

I know I need to be careful. I don't want to wake him. I don't want him to know I'm awake.

The balance is shifting, the dark emptiness is fading and I'm becoming more aware of where I am.

I can feel warm skin under my face.

I try to fight down the fear that lurches forward. I know this is Rafael. What am I afraid of?

I can feel my eyes start to open but now I squeeze them shut. I can feel his arm on my shoulders...on my skin...

Fear is rapidly escalating as I try to remember...am I naked? Is he naked?

Oh god...I need to keep calm, I can't move or do anything to pull him from sleep.

I slowly let my eyes open a bit, my face seems to be on his chest but more importantly, it is facing down his body and even in the semi darkness, I can see he is wearing what looks like shorts. I can't help the relieved deep sigh that escapes. I can feel some sort of fabric on my top against my arm and I can see shorts on my body. My head moves slightly and his breathing hitches...I freeze.

I try not to tense but my muscles refuse to listen to my brain.

This feels like some old comedy I'm sure I've seen, where someone tries to escape a sleeping partner's arms without waking them. I remember the canned laughter every time an overdramatic, often unnecessary movement prompted the sleeping partner to theatrically stop breathing, or turn over...

I realize the absurdity of my situation as I try to figure out how to get away without waking the man sleeping beside me.

The room is still dark. No, not dark, it's that very early, summer morning, half light. It feels like maybe three or four a.m.

I don't know why I think that, but as someone who as seen a lot of the world at these hours, I trust my instincts.

That fear from the half-dream hasn't gone away. I know it won't. The day will start with that fear...

I'm awake enough now to remember last night, I smile as I think of the list of 12 things we poured through, it really felt like we made progress,...well, actually, we never got to 12, we only got as far as maybe 10? Why does that feel like a good description of our whole relationship? I remember taking his shirt off as we got into bed, gently coaxing him that I just wanted to feel his skin...another example of not making the end.

I know how upset he would be if he thought I was lying here wishing he had his shirt on, and that he wasn't touching me.

'It's fine' I try to tell myself.

I know this is Rafael.

He hasn't got me wrapped up tightly in his arms, his arm is only loosely around my shoulder, I could easily move if I wanted to.

' **God Olivia, get it together.** You're not waking up screaming, trapped in a nightmare. You woke up scared and panicky, but you know you are safe in your own bedroom, in your own bed. The man beside you is not naked. You are not naked. He wouldn't hurt you, **ever**. There are no circumstances under which he would hurt you. You are not pinned here, not even in a warm embrace... You could easily get up.'

Somehow all these reassurances, that I know are true, only serve to further my panic.

I'm not afraid of him. I'm really not.

But I really need to get up...

I can't...I can't...no, I can't stay here!

So I slowly move my head slightly, taking a slow, calm sounding breath.

I sigh softly, trying to stretch my body a little, as if I am waking up.

I let my hand rub lightly across my face, as if in a half-awake state I am rubbing my eyes and missing slightly.

I move my head slowly from his chest, as if trying to pull myself from sleep with the same movement.

I start to move off the bed as gently and quietly as I can but I know he is waking. I try to hope that he will just turn over and fall back asleep but as I stumblingly get to my feet, I hear his sleep filled, hoarse voice _"Liv?"._

Luckily I had an answer ready, _"I just need to pee...go back to sleep."_ I try to make my voice sound sleepy...

My throat is dry and I'm barely keeping my panic hidden so I'm pretty sure it sounds good...

I pad, barefoot into the bathroom, forcing myself to pee to keep up my ruse, all the time trying to calm myself enough to go back to bed if he shows any signs of being awake.

I try to take as much time as I can to wash and dry my hands, but not enough to raise any questions...

As I softly step back into the bedroom I see him hold an arm out, to silently call me back into bed.

I try to control the surge of panic, forcing it back down, promising myself I'll find a different way to lie there if I can just keep it together...

As I slip back into the bed, I desperately try to think of a way to change my sleeping position without inviting any questions...

As I feign trying to find a comfortable position again, his croaky voice whispers _"You ok?"_

I don't trust my words not to give me away, _"Mmmmmmm"_

I can feel my heart thudding rapidly and I worry that he will hear it in the early morning quiet.

As I lie in pretty much the same position I was so desperate to get out of, only minutes ago, it feels like the panic is winning.

I rifle my brain for any suggestion of how to escape...

What is making me panic like this? It's ridiculous. There is no reason for this... what is wrong with me?

I'm not afraid of him...he is safe...why is this happening?

He isn't moving now, so I try to slide out of the bed again, making soft noises that sound like my mouth is dry and I'm thirsty...

This time as I creep out of the room he doesn't make a sound or move.

I sigh gratefully, almost running out to the living room.

I curl into the end of the couch I'm beginning to think of as his, pulling my knees up and folding my arms over them. I drop my mouth into my folded arms, trying to muffle the rapid, shallow, breaths that accompany the realization that I've done this before.

I've crept out of bed, under this ridiculous scheme of ruses and ploys before, with a different man, and that recognition pushes me over the edge, as I find myself, again, on the couch, in the middle of the night, sobbing into my knees...

What went wrong? I feel so safe with him... I know he wouldn't hurt me...I wasn't having a nightmare...I wasn't seeing something that wasn't happening...why do I feel this panic?

I would kind of understand this happening, if we had tried to advance things...it would feel warranted...or if he inadvertently made feel trapped in his arms, when a nightmare struck...but that's not what happened.

I slept with him like this last night. I had a fantastic night's sleep...I woke feeling relaxed and happy, why is this happening now?

 _"Liv..."_ his voice softly calls from the door.

I quickly try to wipe away my tears as subtly as I can, reaching for the lamp behind me, knowing it will gain me an extra couple of seconds as his eyes adjust to the light, to turn and dry my face.

As I look at him, he has put his shirt back on. He knows...

The tears I had tried to hide, now come bursting down my face, all my scheming and creeping was for nothing, he has put his shirt back on, he is confused and damaged, just like Brian was. I can't do this to another man...

_"Liv, what happened?"_

He sits cautiously, on the couch, not beside me but not at the other end either...

I just shake my head sadly in answer to him.

_"Was it a nightmare?"_

Again I shake my head, looking pleadingly at him, wanting him to somehow answer why it happened.

I can see concern in his green eyes, and a soft sadness.

I can see him trying to think of other possible causes for this, _"Did you see...or feel...my body reacting...?"_

I can see that he is desperately trying to hide his fears and anger at himself, if this is what caused my upset.

Again I shake my head but this time, the guilt at putting him through fearing his body's natural reactions has done this, causes me to hang my head and speeds up the procession of tears.

_"Were you scared, by a noise or something?"_

All he can see now is the top of my head but again, it swings from left to right and back again...

_"Liv, please talk to me,...it's ok, you're ok..."_

In between sobs I try to answer him, " _It's not ok...I don't know what happened...this all happened for NO REASON!...I wasn't scared...I just panicked...over nothing..."_

**_'Say something, I'm giving up on you_ **

**_And I am feeling so small_ **

**_It was over my head_ **

**_I know nothing at all_ **

**_And I will stumble and fall_ **

**_I'm still learning to love_ **

**_Just starting to crawl'_ **

I can see those beautiful green eyes trying to stare into my soul, trying to figure out if I really don't know what caused this, or if I'm just trying to hide it, in the same way I tried to the resulting panic.

And just like that, I understand...

All the efforts I had made, all the pushing myself to be more open, the painful sharing of details I never wanted another person to hear, all the plans of how to deal with a physical failure...none of it matters. What matters is that at the first hurdle, I threw it all away and went back to what I know...silence and hiding.

The silence is agony. Every sound around us is amplified, exponentially, by our silence.

I want to tell him I'm sorry, I want to tell him I really don't know what happened, that I didn't want to upset or hurt him so I tried to hide it, I want to tell him that I know this is not what I should have done, it's not even what I wanted to do, it's just what I've always done...but I say none of it.

I think he is waiting for me to speak, I think he doesn't want to interrupt once I have started to finally talk, I think he is afraid to ask questions but it just feels like disappointment.

**_'Say something, I'm giving up on you'_ **

The silence starts to force me to quickly begin throwing up walls to protect myself. It was all well and good to make a plan to deal with failure, but reality is another thing...

Now he has seen what a nightmare looks like, last night's terror is still fresh in my mind.

Actually he has seen a nightmare before, when I stayed in his guest bedroom after Nadia...

Great, he has seen two nightmares...and now he knows that even sleeping beside me is somehow too much...there is no way he knew what he was signing on for...

_"Just leave Rafael..."_

**_'Say something, I'm giving up on you_ **

**_And I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you_ **

**_And anywhere, I would have followed you'_ **

I can see his face crumple, his eyes pleading, as he sits there, frozen in place. It's like the couch has lengthened and his seated body has slid with it, as it grows away from me, until the inches that separated us have become yards.

Again he is silent, and I try to set my face, readying it for his inevitable departure.

Somewhere deep inside me, I know that he has barely woken up, and is completely unprepared for this. I know that his usually, quick tongue and sharp mind, are restrained by sleepiness, and the desire to not hurt me, to say and do the right things, but this understanding cannot make itself heard over the panic still screaming in my head. These thoughts are lost in the swirling mess of panicked confusion.

_"Please don't ask me to leave Liv? I told you I will leave if you really mean it but please talk to me first...?"_

I think my mask is safely, back in place as I look at him as emotionlessly as I can manage with tears still escaping down my face.

 _"Do you really not know what caused this?"_ He can see me shutting down and makes a last ditch attempt to break through...

**_'I'll be the one, if you want me to_ **

**_Anywhere, I would've followed you_ **

**_Say something, I'm giving up on you'_ **

Anger flares unexpectedly at his questioning doubt.

 _"I'm sorry Liv, I didn't mean that the way it came out...shit! I'm struggling here Liv, please...what I mean is..."_ His hands are scraping through his hair desperately trying to find a way to explain himself... _"I don't understand...I'm sure there are some things that you don't want to say, and maybe when you are scared or unsettled it's easier to say something like you don't know than to try to explain..."_

I haven't reiterated my demand that he leaves, so he takes this as implicit permission to continue...

_"I can't imagine how you feel now, I really am not angry or hurt or anything else, I'm concerned...I knew things like this would probably happen..."_

I start to scowl at him for this untimely reminder...

His hands raise quickly in his own defense _..."God! Again, Liv, I didn't mean that the way it came out...My brain is still foggy...please?"_

And just like that, his face changes _..."Is that what happened? That feeling you just wake up with, you know you must have dreamt something that brought it on but you don't have any recollection of what caused it, just the feeling it left behind?"_

The tiniest hitch in my breathing seems to confirm his speculation as he cautiously reaches for my hand.

 _"I promised to just hold your hand..."_ he says trying a small smile.

I don't pull away but I also can't let down the walls I have hurriedly thrown up.

 _"I'm sorry Liv..."_ his hand starts to raise towards my face but he seems to think better of it, _"I'm not someone who wakes very quickly, and my brain tends to lag even further behind my body...I'm sorry for all the questions. I wanted to understand, to help, but I shouldn't have pushed..."_

_"No Rafael, I'm sorry...I fell into old patterns and just crept out and didn't want to share..."_

**_'Say something, I'm giving up on you_ **

**_And I will swallow my pride_ **

**_You're the one that I love'_ **

_"It has to have been scary...especially if you didn't know why you felt like that..."_


	14. Too late for Hallelujah

**This is based on a song that when I heard it once, the lyric haunted me...it's _"Too late for Hallelujah"_ by _Daniel Paul Meskell/M. Sharon_** **_Vaughn/Carl Anthony Falk_ ** **, I found a version online I love, it is by Aslan...**

**_'How did you dance_ **

**_If you never held someone?'_ **

****

****

I didn't ever get back to sleep.

I didn't say any of the things I wanted to tell him.

He tried everything he could think of, to convince me to try to get more sleep, but even with his offer to take the couch, I knew I wasn't sleeping anymore.

He wouldn't go back to bed without me and insisted on making me some tea.

As he passed me a cup of warm tea with a gentle smile, his fingers softly stroked mine. I met his eyes and tried to return his smile.

_“I really am sorry Rafael..."_

_"No Liv, there is nothing to be sorry about..."_ he reassures, taking my other hand in his.

I can't help but notice he is holding my hand just as he had said he would...

He doesn't look uncomfortable sitting here beside me, at this time of the morning, he looks a little tired and I can still his concern, but there's no anger, no irritation, no frustration.

My hand reaches out to his face, before I can stop it, stroking his cheek, reaching up to run through his wild hair.

 _"I like your hair like this..."_ I tease gently.

He rolls his eyes, trying unsuccessfully to suppress a smile.

I lean into him slightly as he takes my cue and happily winds his arms around me.

I'm sure he can feel my relaxed body against his, but still, he asks softly, before he moves us around, until we are stretched out along the couch, with me nestled happily between his legs, with his arms wrapped around me.

We don't talk, we just watch the sky lighten, holding hands, our bodies close, as morning breaks, and oranges and pinky tones dapple the sky.

I can't help but compare this morning to yesterday morning...the comparison is not favorable but he is still here and that gives me hope...

The TV plays quietly in the corner, the early morning news bulletins further reinforcing the beginning of a new day.

A soft kiss on my head brings my attention to him. _"I don't ever want to leave here"_ a small kiss is placed on my cheek, _"but why don't you have a bath while I make us some breakfast and coffee?"_ another soft kiss finds my neck.

I twist to try and see the time, as he assures me we have plenty of time.

I pull his face to me, placing a flurry of small kisses all across it. The smile that greets me when I pull away, makes it very clear that there is no resentment, or bad feelings on his part, from last night.

I get to my feet pulling him up behind me, telling him a long shower sounds good, pointing him at the kitchen.

As I step into the bathroom I can't resist poking my head back around to him, _"Don't set fire to anything..."_

The belly laugh that greets my comment sends me into my shower happy.

The hot water is cleansing, washing away some of the night's darkness along with shampoo suds. I allow the water to soothe my body the way my interrupted sleep didn't get to...

In the light of day, as I lather up my skin, I can't help feeling that even the steps back and the stumbles, may be taking me closer to where I want to get to. I no longer use a loofah to scrub my skin raw, trying to clean off the imagined filth. I no longer need a sponge to separate me from my own hand because even it's necessary cleansing touch made me feel sick and even filthier. I am making progress. I trust him more with every day and I'm beginning to be able to imagine a day when I will be able to enjoy his body, and my own, fully...

I push the thoughts away, sad in the knowledge it still isn't going to be today though, silently hoping it could be tomorrow...

As I dry off, and dress for work, a delicious smell wafts through the apartment. I pad into the kitchen in pants and a shirt, toweling my hair, my feet still bare, unable to contain my curiosity for a moment longer.

As my arms slip around his waist, he is serving up three plates of pancakes and some sort of bacon and egg scramble that smells divine. He pulls me around his body, tugging me gently into a proper hug, and then leads me to where he has set three places at the table.

He guides me into the chair where he sets down a steaming plate of food, and a mug of fresh coffee, in front of me.

He quickly grabs his own plate and coffee joining me at the table, as I take a big forkful of the enticing breakfast.

 _"Oh my god Rafael, this is amazing..."_ I gush, immediately reaching for more.

He smiles warmly, " _It was my grandmother's recipe, a weekend treat when I was little...I lifted Noah's before I added the hot sauce, in case it would be too much for him."_

I reach out to him again, my hand stroking his cheek. He kisses my hand softly, telling me to enjoy my breakfast.

I barely get another forkful to my mouth when a little voice calls _"Mama"._

When I return with Noah, his high chair has been pulled over and his breakfast awaits him. We both laugh as Noah gives it his seal of approval shoving it into his mouth happily.

Rafael only helps my morning routine along, as he showers and dresses and then plays with Noah as I do my hair and makeup.

He needs to be in a little early this morning, and reluctantly leaves me with a gentle kiss about a half hour before Lucy arrives, and then I also head to work, very grateful that it is Friday.

There is no awkwardness as I sweep into my office, with Carisi in tow, telling me about yesterday's leads. I send him off to check up an alibi with Amanda as Fin arrives in.

 _"Morning Liv"_ he gestures after Carisi and Amanda _"Anything new?"_

I shake my head, _"Just have them checking that alibi, it sounds a little weak..."_

He nods knowingly _"Tell me about it..."_

I can feel his eyes on me as he tries to decide whether he should say something.

 _"I'm ok Fin. Yesterday helped...I'm just a little tired"_ I know he will probably notice it so I opt to volunteer it. _"I was just up very early this morning..."_

_"Noah have a bad night?"_

Again I shake my head _..."No he's fine, ...thank you Fin"_ knowing that he would worry, _"I guess I did..."_

 _"I suppose it's to be expected..."_ he says wisely.

I smile sadly at him, _"I know, I just wished it made it any easier..."_

_"It will get easier though..."_

I nod, _"How are you Fin?"_

He shrugs lightly, _"I guess I'm not sleeping great either..."_

I can see he looks a bit more tired than usual.

A strange silence descends, at our admissions that sleep isn't coming easily again. It isn't a comfortable silence, there's too much just below the surface...

_"I nearly didn't get there..."_

He breaks the artificial silence, seemingly willing to be the one to take the next step. I can see this haunts him and I know how hard it was for him to say...

_"But you did Fin...you saved me...I can't help but think about what would have happened if you hadn't sometimes..."_

He nods his own corroboration.

_"He would have raped me...but I worry he might have killed me too..."_

I look down at my desk as I say the words but once they have left my lips I look up to him again.

He nods sadly, again validating my concerns.

_"He really might have..."_

I know Fin too well by now, I know these things haunt him but it's not what is keeping him awake...I can see it in his face _..."What is it Fin, what is the thing that keeps you awake?"_

He shuffles slightly, his eyes downcast but stays silent.

**_'What have you got_ **

**_That you can leave behind?_ **

**_If it fits in a box_ **

**_Was it a waste of time?_ **

**_What have you learnt?_ **

**_Did you stop to write it down?'_ **

_"Please Fin, I know sometimes it's the small details that just won't let go...after Harris...after the basement...it was the sound of his baton against the fence...It's so stupid, not the feel of his hands, or what he said or did, it was the sound of that baton, that was what had me waking up in a cold sweat..."_

His hands are fisted and his whole body seems to be pulled tight. He can't meet my eyes...I know this is long overdue, it seems hard to believe this is really the first time we have talked about this, but it still seems too soon.

My heart is racing, I want to know but I can't hear it.

His eyes are squeezed tightly closed.

I can see he is trying to control his breathing, trying to calm himself.

His eyes open, as he sucks in a series of quick, shallow, breaths.

He doesn't want to say it and I don't want to hear it but we both know it's time...

He steps back against the wall, like he wants to distance himself and maybe he needs its support.

 _"It was your cries..."_ his voice is shaky, husky with emotion he is desperately trying to hold back, the words almost a whisper, as if he is trying to deny they were ever said by barely allowing them out...

I nod, knowing what he means; I know even to my ears, they had felt foreign, like they were someone else's.

_"What he has to have done...to make you cry like that...the shock on your face when I got closer..."_

His lip trembles as he says it.

**_'Do you deserve?_ **

**_How cold you feel right now?_ **

**_You never needed anyone_ **

**_But you need someone today'_ **

I know I should say something, but there is nothing...

I know there is though...I can do something I have always resisted doing...I can tell him what happened...no, not what happened...what I felt...I'm sure that even if he wasn't so sure at the time, he now knows he didn't rape me, he saw the bruise on my face, he saw how I held my ribs, he saw I had taken some sort of beating, he saw I was handcuffed to a door, with Harris in front of me, his pants pooled around his ankles, he saw his hands forcing my face to him, I told him he got there in time so I think he knows that he didn't...but he doesn't know how it felt...

In these past couple of days, I have given him little bits, but he was there, maybe he needs to hear it all...I let the dam break and the whispered words flow surprisingly easily...

_"I was relieved, that it was Harris, not Parker...I really thought Parker was our perp...I was so relieved I lost focus...and then there was a mattress in front of me...and everything I ever knew was gone. I wasn't a cop, I was just a terrified mess...I asked him what he wanted, trying to find a way to bargain my way out...He told me he wanted what every guy wants...those words, I don't think I've ever really gotten them out of my head, no matter how hard I try it still feels like he was telling me a huge, universal, but long denied truth, that it really is what every guy wants, and that they will take it if it's not willingly given..."_

I hate how the words sound but it is how it felt, how it still sometimes feels no matter how hard I tell myself it's just not true.

_"...My heart dropped, I couldn't breathe...the fear...I'd never felt anything like it...I can't describe it...It was all that I was...It was all I could feel...when he grabbed my face and told me I was going to give it to him, it felt like he already owned me...like it was already too late...I had nearly accepted my fate...but when he threw me down on the mattress, I couldn't help it, I started screaming for help...he told me no one could hear me, and I knew it, but I couldn't help it...I fought him but he threw me around like a rag doll...I was so desperate...I wasn't thinking...none of my training mattered, it was all gone...He pushed me up against the wall, telling me to shut up, I could feel him, he un-cuffed one of my hands because with them behind my back...I finally found some of my training, I elbowed back..."_

My hands re-enact everything as I say it, wild gestures reflecting the panic that even now, fills me as I allow these memories in...I hate that when I talk about myself like this, I sound like a victim. I can't use the words I know so well...I resort to the familiar **'him'** with a quick gesture down to my crotch, when I know I should be saying I could feel his penis pressing up against me, I want to say that I know he didn't want to rip my jumpsuit off, but with my hands behind my back he couldn't take it off, and if he couldn't take it off he couldn't rape me, but what comes out is that _'he un-cuffed one of my hands because with them behind my back...'._

I hate that I sound like this, vague, childish references and stupid implied, half finished sentences instead of clear facts...

**Enough! This has to stop!**

**_'You never needed anyone_ **

**_But you need someone today_ **

**_When it all breaks down_ **

**_When it all breaks up_ **

**_And it's too late now_ **

**_Too late for Hallelujah_ **

**_When you burn and fall'_ **

_"I hate that I can't say it, I sound like every other victim, who has never thought about this, who has no words, who hasn't got a large, often used, vocabulary ...I'm not, I say these words everyday, I don't need to struggle to find a vocabulary I just don't possess ...when he pushed me up against the wall, I could feel...his penis...it was hardening...my fear and fighting was arousing him...He un-cuffed my hands because he couldn't rape me with my clothes on...it was a jumpsuit...the only way to get it off, unless he ripped it, was to un-cuff me...He was trying to take my clothes off so he could rape me..."_

I feel a small victory in saying the words, there's a twisted power in them.

**_'I used to hear you say_ **

**_Nothing can change your mind_ **

**_Look at how the angels pray_ **

**_Only the truth survives'_ **

_"When I elbowed back, I caught his face...I can't say there was any conscious thought but I ran from him, hiding from him...while I was cowering, hiding behind anything I could find,...that's when he was running the baton along the fence,... that sound...he was warning me I was making it worse...and all I could do was hide...when the torch found me...I was so scared...I gave up...he hit me across the stomach and then across my the back of my legs...and I lashed out, I elbowed him in the crotch, and ran to the door...but it was locked, I pulled at it, banging and uselessly screaming for help... when I tried to turn to see where he was, he was right there...he punched me, in my face...and cuffed me to the door...he told me if I bit him I was dead..."_

I have said the words...in a way I have never said them before...there's a freedom in the honesty, but still I'm shaking...and again tears flow down my face. It feels like my face hasn't been dry since I heard the news of his death...

The whole time I was talking I stared at a spot on the carpet, unwilling to look at the man I was talking to, or at anything that may give me any comfort, for fear of forever tainting it with an association to the memories...

When I do look to Fin, his face is hidden, he has dropped into a chair at some point and his head is bowed, his body leaning over so his face is completely concealed.

I desperately need to see he is not trying to hide disgust from me, no matter how hard I try to convince myself it's not, I need to see it to know, but I also need to allow him this small privacy.

I'm so conscious of boundaries and keeping true to our relationship, we do hug on occasion, and its not uncomfortable but it's reserved for 'special occasions'. We don't just hug for no reason but I want to hug him now.

I throw caution and propriety and all my stupid rules aside and fall to my knees in front of him, gently wrapping my arms around him.

**_'How did it taste_ **

**_At your table for one?_ **

**_How did you dance_ **

**_If you never held someone?'_ **

I need the comfort as much as he does and he gladly returns my embrace.

 _"You know I'm always here for you Liv..."_ his voice promises softly.

_"I know Fin, I just find it so hard...I'm trying to change but..."_

**_‘You never asked for anything_ **

**_And that's exactly what you've got_ **

**_Desperately you tried to change_ **

**_But every skin just feels the same_ **

**_When it all breaks down_ **

**_When it all breaks up_ **

**_And it's too late now_ **

**_Too late for Hallelujah’_ **

He seems to hear my words on a deeper level and no longer tries to hide his tears as I sit into a chair beside him.

_"Maybe not having so many unknowns will help you sleep Fin?"_

_"And what helps you sleep Liv?"_

I take a deep breath, knowing I can tell him anything, but feeling hugely nervous regardless. I know my words will come as no surprise to him, he has already almost said as much to me but still...

_"Barba..."_

He nods, a small smile flicking across his lips _"He's a good guy..."_

_"It's still so...new...but he has been amazing...he sat with me this morning when I woke up in a panic...and the first night when I had a nightmare...but_

_I'm scared...I don't want to screw things up...not just at home but this could cause problems here too..."_

_"Don't think about work Liv...if he makes you happy...concentrate on that first..."_

I nod that I have heard him, still not so sure...

I see a flicker of typical protective Fin as his eyes narrow _..."Is he pressuring you?"_

I shake my head quickly _..."The complete opposite, Fin..."_

He can still see there is a problem though, and he thinks very carefully, _"So what is it Liv?"_

I know I need to say this, and I trust Fin, he's my brother...but it's so hard to say...

_"Just being there for me, it's so hard for him...he's always trying to say and do the right things...he's so careful to not scare me...it's too much pressure...we're talking, in ways I didn't think were possible...but I'm worried for him..."_

_"Just like you were worried for me..."_

I shouldn't be surprised at Fin's amazing deductive jumps, but still this manages to astonish me.

Again he looks at me with a raised eyebrow as if it was obvious, _"Amanda was too eager to talk..."_

I shrug, not willing to apologize, _"Who do you talk to?"_ I ask by means of an explanation.

 _"Seemingly Amanda now..."_ he teases lightly, _"Nah though I do appreciate the thought Liv...and we did talk...I guess we both needed someone to let it out with..."_

He sucks in deeply, _"Back in the day, I spoke a bit to Melinda...she didn't give me much of a choice either..."_ he chuckles.

_"I guess sometimes I need a little push..."_

I know he recognizes a kindred spirit in me, and I nod thoughtfully.

 _"Maybe I could give Barba a gentle shove too..."_ It's a statement. There is no question and I know he isn't asking, but he is still allowing me to say whatever I need to.

I nod gratefully.

**_'When it all breaks down_ **

**_When it all breaks up_ **

**_And it's too late now_ **

**_Too late for Hallelujah'_ **


	15. Four seasons in one day

**I didn't expect Liv to say all she did to Fin in the last chapter, so it surprised me, I guess there wasn't another song to express all that she** **has going on, so this is based around _"4 seasons in one day'_ by _Crowded House_...**

**_'Finding out wherever there is comfort there is pain_ **

**_Only one step away'_ **

As always Fin seems to know when not to push anymore, and so he just nods softly, leaving our dialogue to continue at another point in the future.

I can see he wants to tell me he's here for me again, but he seems to know I can't even hear that right now, so he just nods, gives me a long, meaningful, supportive look and heads back to his desk.

I take a very brief moment, before I head back around my desk, hiding in my work.

I'm flying through paperwork and juggling calls, whilst getting updates and directing the guys, and I feel like master of all I see.

Sometimes there is nothing as good for a morale boost, as slipping into my work persona and leaving everything else behind.

This is where I feel I belong, I know I'm good at what I do, I can think on my feet, deal with any crisis, I can do **this**...

Lunch ticks around and Carisi heads out to pick up our orders.

As we sit around eating, taking a short break, I don't feel like I'm being babied as Fin continues to tell a disbelieving Carisi about the old days, regularly forcing me into laughing denials that I had ever done any of it. I have no doubt that Fin, Amanda and Carisi are all conscious of looking out for me at the moment, but they also respect me enough to treat me as normally as they can, at the same time. On a couple of occasions, Fin looks to Amanda to dispel my denials, she just turns it back on him and Fin gladly takes full credit for whatever mischief he is being accused of...

I feel so comfortable, so relaxed here, despite the raw emotion of the last couple of days, I feel a calm peace as I return to my office, happily watching my squad return to work with smiles on their faces.

I suppose I am in a reflective mood, as I consider how few days I can look out and see my team smiling and laughing. There is always teasing and playful squabbles but too often it is borne from a need to disperse the overly heightened emotions from what we do.

We see and hear things that cannot be left behind when we clock out for the day. The voices and faces follow us long after a case is closed. And when the case is never closed, the way the faces linger, and haunt our waking and sleeping minds, is even worse.

When you have seen the horror that we deal with every day, it can't not affect you.

I love what I do.

I feel that in whatever small way, I help make a difference. Every day I go to work, brings something new, I am always challenged, challenges can be both mental and physical. I feel that I can use all of who I am, when I work, and I can't imagine doing anything else.

Perhaps that is where the problem lies, I cannot imagine doing anything else.

I can't imagine finding this level of satisfaction in any other job.

I cannot imagine being content to go do a job that doesn't fulfill me, the way this does.

I also know it takes a huge toll on me.

I hate it, but I must admit that my job is what led to my assault. With Harris and Lewis.

**_'Four seasons in one day_ **

**_Lying in the depths of your imagination_ **

**_Worlds above and worlds below_ **

**_The sun shines on the black clouds hanging over the domain_ **

**_Even when you're feeling warm_ **

**_The temperature could drop away_ **

**_Like four seasons in one day'_ **

Apart from the horrors and tragedies I have come to witness through what I do, my choice of career has led to me suffering what I strive so hard to fight.

Oddly though, after all the changes that both of my assaults precipitated in me, in my life, the one thing I have never really never given much thought to, was the one thing that perhaps could have made the most difference...my job.

After Harris, I partly didn't disclose or report my assault to my superiors, to Cragen, because I was fearful my job would be taken from me. When PTSD made me feel that I could barely live, I still tried to put on the face I kept for work and headed to the precinct.

When Lewis was done with me, the first time, I was forced to take some time off, I had too many physical injuries that needed to heal to even argue to return to work, and when the day came around, I was so nervous walking into the precinct, the place that had always been my second home, that I wasn't sure I could do it. What gave me the strength to face all the people who would be there, was that I knew that my job awaited. It was the stability that was lacking in every other area of my life.

When Lewis had left me with nothing, after his second attack threatened to take my job as well as everything else, the fight to keep it was all that kept me going when the darkness was too much for me to bear.

**_'Blood dries up_ **

**_Like rain, like rain_ **

**_Fills my cup_ **

**_Like four seasons in one day'_ **

In all the people that have come and gone in my life, my job has been a constant. Although things have changed, I always have a strict set of rules to work within, I know where I stand, I know I am good at what I do and the results seem to consistently show that fact.

I love what I do...but is that enough?

It has brought a pain I cannot begin to describe, into my life.

Nightmares where battered women plead with me to find a man who has hurt them so badly, and even if I do find him, I can't always secure a conviction for them or ensure that they receive an adequate punishment even if they are found guilty.

Children so scarred that their young minds can't even begin to understand that what they have been subjected is not normal.

Victims that have no tomorrow to heal, whose lives were torn from them, along with everything else their attacker took.

And more personally, my job has brought two monsters to my door.

It was at work that both Harris and Lewis were introduced to my life. It was the role that my job forces me to play, that enticed each of them, for very different reasons, to attack me.

Over the last few months, events have been such, that memories have been painfully sucked out of the past. Things have happened that have left me feeling exposed, vulnerable and in danger, in a way I haven't felt since just after each of the attacks.

I hate to admit it, even to myself, but I am struggling.

The things that once came so easily are now more difficult. I am conscious of situations, of who is around, what dangers surround me, who is around to back me up, should I need it, and how confident am I in that back up?

I understand that circumstances have precipitated these changes. My feelings are not borne out of some abstract fear of bogeymen. I am afraid of a replay of what has already happened. It is no abstract.

Is doing what I love worth **this**?

**_'It doesn't pay to make predictions_ **

**_Sleeping on an unmade bed_ **

**_Finding out wherever there is comfort there is pain_ **

**_Only one step away_ **

**_Like four seasons in one day'_ **

I no longer have a boss I can turn to, when I need a little consideration or support, I am the boss.

I have never played the 'I'm a girl' card. I have always strived to do my job with no differentiation between me, and my mostly, male colleagues. I am as capable of handling myself as they are, given fair odds. The problem is that when trouble comes, the odds are seldom fair, and whether I like it or not, I make a more attractive target than most of my colleagues do, to many of the sick minds that we encounter.

That's not to say that my fate couldn't befall any of them, it could... **no one** is safe from things like this, but as an adult female, the odds are not in my favor.

I'm delighted and proud of myself for rising in my chosen career. I'm aware that my achievements have been substantial, and I have not allowed my gender, or any perceptions of weakness, to hinder my talent. I have garnered a certain respect, sometimes grudgingly, from my colleagues as I have worked away as diligently as I could.

I like to think that I have made some differences to the women who follow behind me.

I don't know if it is some twisted evidence of a breakthrough, or advance warning or a prospective breakdown, but lately I'm not sure if any of it outweighs the pain.

Simply by going to work, I am forced, sometimes in ways that are discrete; to face effects I am battling to deal with. So I consider quitting and doing something else...

But what can I do? It feels like my hard won skills have very few uses, other than how I am using them. I am too old to consider starting again in a completely new industry where I have to learn the basics and start at the bottom alongside fresh-faced school leavers.

I am an educated, intelligent woman, should I just let men like Harris and Lewis win? Should I allow their bad behavior, their inability to comply with society's rules of how to behave in civilization, to take more from me? Have **they** not taken enough, already? With all that has been stolen from me, should they be allowed to take more? Is letting their assaults beat me, and force me from a job I love, not betraying the women I have met in my time here, even further than I have? How can I look myself in the mirror, when after counseling numerous, hurt women to pick up their ruined lives, to not allow the man who assaulted them to have any more influence, I throw away all I know to escape my own pain?

I have been forced to reveal more than I ever wished, to colleagues, peers, superiors and strangers, in probing, embarrassing, questions in an attempt to seek out a justice that was no where to be found.

I have suffered the questioning looks from people I know and those I don't,...Can she really do this job, **now**?...Is she too damaged to be trusted?...Do we need to treat her differently?...Do we need to be careful of even the most simple physical contact, for fear she misinterprets it?...How do we deal with her?...Do we say something or pretend it didn't happen, that we don't know all those personal details?...If we do say something, what the hell should it be?...She's the one...Do we believe that her version is really what happened?...Surely if that really happened...?...She looks ok, I suppose...?

Some of their doubts and speculation, vocalized in barely disguised, almost-whispers and unsubtle nudges or gestures.

I have listened to people judge me, and my veracity, when I reluctantly, put my personal hell on display for them.

I have left myself open to ridicule, to judgment, to supposition and speculation, when I was forced to defend my personal life when it was twisted to suit the purposes of the man I was accusing...

I have listened to well meaning, but hurtful comments when people tried to comfort me but instead left me feeling even more shattered; like the man who compared my embarrassment at describing the sexual details of my attack, to how he wouldn't want everyone knowing all about what he does with his wife...or the woman who suggested that my pursuit of my attacker would somehow make things even harder for women trying to do my job, because they'd be seen as more at risk, and therefore more 'difficult'... or the man who sneered slightly, telling me he bets I wished I had said nothing now, when my attacker was not found guilty of all he had done...

**_'Smiling as the shit comes down_ **

**_You can tell a man from what he has to say_ **

**_Everything gets turned around_ **

**_And I will risk my neck again, again_ **

**_You can take me where you will_ **

**_Up the creek and through the mill_ **

**_Like all the things you can't explain_ **

**_Four seasons in one day'_ **

As I remember how badly these comments hurt, I also cannot forget how, over time, some people made me feel a renewed hope with their brave kindness; like the man who bravely tabled the discussion, to tell me he was disgusted not only by **his** actions, but also how **he** didn't pay a high enough price for what he did, and pleaded with me to not allow **him** to have any more influence over me, to please live my life, when his gentle enquiries into how

I was doing led me to tell him, it was hard and that I don't feel comfortable in a lot of situations anymore... or the woman who just simply understood the betrayal I felt at him not being found guilty...

The job that sometimes feels like it sucks out my soul, has also brought me the only friends I have. It has brought me my son. It has brought me the man who is helping to ease some of the pain. It has brought me the only confidence it feels like I have anymore... it is the only place that I feel in control.

Is that a fair exchange though?


	16. Time of your life

**It might seem like an odd use of the song but it feels right, bittersweet _..."Time of your Life"_ by _Greenday_...**

Is that a fair exchange though?

**_'Another turning point_ **

**_A fork stuck in the road'_ **

The words continue to rattle around my head...my emotions driving the answer that changes with every development or piece of information the afternoon brings.

As I start to prepare for a trial due to start next week, it feels like it may be worth the sacrifices, as I wade through my notes, the evidence seems too strong for the defendant to wriggle out of a serious conviction.

My position is quickly reversed; when I have to dispatch Fin and Carisi out to yet another victim, who won't ever get the opportunity to heal, and it feels like I am trying to single handedly hold back the ocean.

A gentle tap on my open door pulls me from the files and I find Amanda standing there.

_"Sarge, the guys have very little to work with on this one, she's been washed up in a pretty desolate area, after being thrown into the Hudson...they suggested we head out, we can't do much until the M.E. can give us more to work with..."_

I nod sadly, looking at the clock, surprised to find it is nearly 6:30pm.

_"Liv, have you got time to maybe grab a coffee, you look like you could do with a chat?"_

It is unusual for me to even think about leaving this early on a Friday so I know Lucy won't expect me yet...and she is right, I could do with a chat.

I nod softly, smiling, _"On one condition Amanda...let's make it a drink instead of coffee?"_

 _"That sounds much better..."_ she laughs.

As we sit into a booth in our regular bar, I'm glad to find it is still pretty quiet, as we both look at the food menu hungrily, neither of us willing to impose on the other's time further, until we realize we are both eyeing it covetously.

Laughingly we reach for the menus, she chooses a blue cheese burger with fries and a beer, I similarly opt for a burger, the house special, with bacon, cheese and an array of other toppings, with fries and a red wine.

The server who takes our order is back in no time with our drinks and we comfortably sit back taking the first sip of our drinks.

 _"How are you Liv?"_ she asks lightly, but her concern is clear, in the pale blue eyes that study me protectively.

I consider carefully, for a moment, battling the urge to say 'I'm fine', settling instead on an honest, but not too revealing _"It's been a hard few days..."_

She nods understandingly, and I remind myself, that she does understand and I can't keep it all to myself anymore, trying to also remember how that tactic never worked particularly well anyway.

_"Amanda do you ever wonder if it's really worth it? What we do..."_

She takes a big breath, _"Only every second day..."_

I smile sadly.

She seems to consider again, and I can see she too, is fighting an internal battle to reveal things she would rather keep inside.

**_'Time grabs you by the wrist_ **

**_Directs you where to go_ **

**_So make the best of this test_ **

**_And don't ask why_ **

**_It's not a question_ **

**_But a lesson learned in time_ **

**_It's something unpredictable_ **

**_But in the end it's right'_ **

_"After... Patton..."_ his name is almost whispered, _"when I was in Costa Rica...there was so much going through my head, I wanted to be back at work but I was afraid I wouldn't be able to do it anymore...and I was afraid of facing everyone, now that they all knew...It is different now..."_

I'm so grateful to her for her frankness, and I feel a responsibility to return that same honesty, ...and I feel a relief, that she really may understand...

_"I remember how terrified I was coming back after Lewis kidnapped me..."_

Her eyes flick shyly up to mine as she takes another sip from her beer.

_"It's not just Harris's death, I've been feeling for a while, maybe I'm not in the right place..."_

She tips her head slightly to one side, silently questioning...

 _"I'm not who I was..."_ I shrug, _"I hate that it might be letting them win, but sometimes it just feels too much..."_

_"Sometimes it is too much Liv. Especially when you are fragile..."_

_"You asked me once Amanda, how I can trust any man, after working there...I suppose I don't really trust anyone except the team..."_

_"Because no one else really understands..."_ she says softly, finishing my thought for me.

I nod in agreement as our server returns with our dinner. We both busy ourselves with our food, for a few minutes, adding mustard or ketchup and stuffing the first bites into our mouths.

 _"I guess what I've always found, is that a particularly bad case or something hitting too close to home makes it worse...and then it feels insurmountable...but I like my job...and that doubt always fades...sometimes with a little help..."_ she says between a sip of beer and a mouthful of burger.

I know she's right and I've felt that plenty of times, but I can't help feeling that this is different.

She seems to hear what I am thinking, _"Lewis,... it only finished a little over a year ago, and there's been so much since then...Nadia, Johnny D, Nick getting shot and leaving...Patton...and now this..."_

**_'So take the photographs_ **

**_And still frames in your mind_ **

**_Hang it on a shelf_ **

**_In good health and good time'_ **

I find myself incredibly grateful for the food and drink in front of us, it is allowing us time to think without any noticeable gaps in the conversation as we eat and drink. I make a mental note to myself to remember this for future difficult discussions.

I nod, taking a sip of my wine, _"I know...it's just hard...it's comforting that I'm not the only one..."_

_"You're not Liv. Some days it's all I can do to remember it's over, and you guys have got my back...and sometimes when a detail hits too close to home, it's hard to trust anyone outside of you guys...I can trust anyone in blue to make sure I don't get shot, but somehow trusting them with my life is a lot easier than trusting them not to really hurt me..."_

**_'Tattoos of memories_ **

**_And dead skin on trial'_ **

And just like that, she has managed to encapsulate everything I was thinking, everything I was secretly afraid of, into that one statement. I struggle tovcontrol the tears that try to rush forward. She looks at me with worry when she sees the tears gather until I nod softly, and she understands that she hasvsaid what I was thinking to some degree.

_"You can always talk to me,...or Fin...or Carisi..."_

I nod smiling, shaking off the tears, and reaching for my burger.

 _"...or Barba..."_ she adds, unable to hide the small grin that flickers across her lips.

I can feel the redness creeping across my face as I hurriedly shove fries into my mouth.

 _"He has been amazing..."_ I can't help but acknowledge when I can't chew on the food any longer.

 _"Good...I'm glad he's been there for you."_ She adds, a big sincere smile beaming across at me. _"I know how hard relationships can be, after...what we've been through...and that some things you just don't want to talk to the guys about...when you are ready...if you want to talk to someone...please don't feel awkward..."_

Her words are a little stuttered as if she doesn't quite know how to say what she is trying for, but as I look at her I can see she isn't embarrassed and her words are very sincere.

I cannot help but be amazed again, at how far she has come in a few months. She is not completely healed, by any stretch, but she is so much more open now. Again I feel a responsibility to return her openness even though it is slightly reluctant.

_"Uuuggghhh, it still just doesn't come naturally to me, to talk about myself, my private life, like this..."_

**_'For what it's worth_ **

**_It was worth all the while'_ **

She smiles knowingly, giving me her best 'tell me about it' look, _"But it does make things better..."_

I nod, understanding that in this role reversal we are both showing our trust.

_"It is difficult...and I'm still not ready...but we are talking, a lot...and he is so patient...he's doing a lot of research to help him and me...he is doing everything he can to understand and help..."_

She nods approvingly through a mouthful of burger. As she washes it down with a sip of beer she adds, _"That sounds like a good way to go..."_

**_'It's something unpredictable_ **

**_But in the end it's right'_ **

Now that I've started to talk, it's nearly hard to stop as I confess quietly, _"It's working...not without stumbles but it is definitely working..."_

She laughs gently but approvingly, _"It sounds like a good way to start any relationship really..."_

Her words really strike home. _"It sounds like a good way to start any relationship really..."_. I repeat them in my head a few times, _"That's a pretty good point Amanda...I was worrying a little about how to go about progressing things but maybe that's the point...stop concentrating only on what I am not ready for, and do some of the stuff we did as teenagers..."_

She almost chokes on her beer in her eagerness to swallow it down to be able to answer me. _"Oh god yes! All that kissing and gentle touching...why did we ever stop doing that?"_

We both laugh wholeheartedly, neither of us needing the answer.

I feel a huge amount better as we sit laughing, exchanging stories of teenage crushes and relatively innocent kisses.

We are both still laughing happily as we finish our meals and split the check.

As we finish our drinks and start to say goodnight, she leans into me _"You're amazing at this job Liv, I can't imagine SVU without you, you have helped so many people, including me,...I'd never have gotten to this point without you...I can't even begin to thank you...and I really would suggest that you let things calm before you make any big decisions, but you have to put yourself first, and if it really is too much, you have to do what you need to, I'm sure half the department would love to have you...the guys and me, we all have your back and we're always here if you want to talk, about anything...what you went through, no one can begin to understand...I know it's hard to go back to a workplace where something like that happened, I couldn't do it, I ran away from Atlanta, got transferred here...if it's what you need to do we'll all support you...I wouldn't have been able to stay here if it wasn't for you...whatever you need..."_

**_'It's something unpredictable_ **

**_But in the end it's right_ **

**_I hope you had the time of your life'_ **

In that moment I feel like I make a difference, I have, in some small way, managed to help this strong woman, and in return, I have made a firm friend.

We have a new victim today, who is nearly beyond our help but we will try to track down whoever hurt her, we have another case about to start trial, which looks like it will have a good outcome and many other cases are being worked on, it feels like the scales has tipped slightly in our favor.

The matter is by no means resolved. I know that I still need to carve out an identity for myself that doesn't only revolve around being Noah's mom and an SVU cop. I need to figure out who I really am when I'm not working? I need to relearn how to trust my judgment.

None of these things can be done overnight. They will take a lot of time and effort but I know that my team, my family, will be there to help me and that makes a huge difference. It's less insurmountable...

I know that after the last two nights of looking after me, Rafael must have a huge amount of work to catch up on and as I leave Amanda, my finger hovers over his name on my phone.

I want to hear his voice but I don't want to appear too needy, he must be busy...

I resolve to leave him alone.

But as I try to hail down a cab to take me home, the new more open Liv reminds me that he is the one that is constantly coming to me. I dismiss the option of bringing dinner or coffee to his office, conscious of the appearance of that action and anxious to maintain our professional separation. I pull out my phone and after much reworking and typing then deleting, I send him a text;

_[Know you must have loads of work to catch up on, I'm just heading home. I just wanted you to know I was thinking of you and hope to see you over the weekend, if you have time...Liv]_

I stuff the phone back into my pocket not willing to watch the screen waiting for the ticks that will tell me he has received and read it, or the dots that will tell me he is typing an answer. I will not allow myself this weakness, but when only seconds later my phone alerts me to a new text, I cannot control the smile that lights up my face as I see his name...

_[I hope you had a good day. I will be working for another while...I wouldn't want to wake you?]_

I quickly type an answer not caring enough to filter heavily...

_[If you're not too tired, I will still be up...]_

This time I watch the screen as dots appear almost as soon as the message lands...

_[I'll be done soon after 10. See you then]_

Again I type before I can allow the fear to stop me...

_[Don't rush, if you want to go home and grab a few things first?...I sleep better with you in my bed...]_

He starts to answer immediately...

_[I sleep better beside you too. See you about 11?]_

I can barely contain my happiness as I quickly text back...

_[See you then]_

I throw the phone back into my pocket happily. Hailing down a cab to take me home.

As the cab winds its way through busy streets I can't help planning this evening a little. My earlier idea of kissing and gentle touching like when we were teenagers has ignited a spark; I want to feel his touch again. I want to feel his skin again. I dismiss last night's failure, trying instead to find the lesson it can teach me, maybe it is too soon to take his shirt off to sleep?

I feel confident as I step out of the taxi, and head up to my apartment.

Lucy greets me warmly, telling me all about Noah's day, as I apologize for not getting home earlier, telling her how I went for a quick drink and grabbed something to eat with Amanda. She quickly dismisses my apology telling me that Friday is the one day I always work late and never get home before Noah goes to bed, she reminds me how every other day I run home to spend as much time as I can with my little boy, and she's delighted I had a little fun.

I smile broadly, immensely grateful for her understanding and support, though I didn't explain everything that went on, she knows that I had some difficult news a couple of days ago, that affected me enough to stop me working yesterday, and she had offered to keep Noah for as long as I needed.

I thank her sincerely, telling her how much I appreciate all her help as she leaves promising that all I need do is call if I need anything over the weekend.

I immediately go in to check on Noah, kissing him softly on the forehead, smiling at the dinosaur he clutches even in sleep.

I decide to take a warm shower, changing into a pair of sleep shorts and a light t-shirt. I wouldn't normally wear such scant clothing, even just to lounge around for a couple of hours before bed. I would normally put on yoga pants instead and only change into the sleep shorts as I crawled into my bed. I spend a few minutes debating my clothing choice in the mirror. I like the rich electric blue of the shorts against the skin of my legs, and the soft cotton, white t-shirt is quite flattering against my coloring. I'm surprised at how I feel no discomfort at the bare legs and arms that stare back at me, instead I'm evaluating how my skin looks against the clothes and how my legs look in shorts. I can't help remembering how the woman I was before, was happy to work out in the precinct in clothes like this...how at ease I was in any clothes...instead of allowing myself to be upset by this comparison, I choose to see it as a little of that woman coming back, that I am comfortable in these clothes in my apartment, with a visitor coming.

I slip back out to the kitchen choosing to make myself some tea, conscious that I have already had a glass of wine with dinner, I opt to wait until Rafael arrives before considering another, conscious of how the nightmares always seemed to be worse when I drank more than I normally would.

**_'I hope you had the time of your life'_ **


	17. Something inside so strong

**So this is based on _"Something inside so strong"_ by _Labi Siffre_ , sometimes your real strength shows itself even when you are so scared you are shaking, and sometimes it seems to appear with no effort...breaking any barriers takes strength, however it comes about...**

 

 

I slip back out to the kitchen choosing to make myself some tea, conscious that I have already had a glass of wine with dinner, I opt to wait until Rafael arrives before considering another, conscious of how the nightmares always seemed to be worse when I drank more than I normally would.

I settle down and watch some of the TV shows I have recorded over the week, sipping the warm tea, feeling relaxed as I curl my bare legs up beside me.

When the clock has barely ticked past 10, my phone beeps softly...

_[Just leaving work now, are you still up? Is it still ok if I come over?]_

I smile at his thoughtfulness, answering quickly...

_[Yes, looking forward to seeing you...]_

I can't help the small flutter in my stomach as I try to turn my attention back to the TV but it is half hearted at best, until a few minutes before 11 when there is a very gentle knock at my door.

He steps past me, quickly taking in my attire _"Are you sure you weren't just going to bed Liv?"_

I shake my head reaching my arms around his waist, my lips softly finding his.

That smirk appears on his lips as I pull back, " _If I'd known I would be greeted like this..."_ he gestures to my outfit and to his lips, _"I would have let the work wait..."_

I smile as he shrugs his jacket off, opening his collar and pulling down his tie as he has done on entering any room, other than the court room, that he plans on being in, for any length of time, for as long as I have known him. The habit that used to slightly irritate me, and result in much eye rolling has a very different effect on me now.

I feel my pulse quicken as I watch him, before he takes me into his arms and asks how my day was? I can't resist his lips, kissing him yet again.

 _"It was good...it felt almost normal."_ I tell him as we head towards the couch and I cuddle into him.

After a few minutes of lying in his arms, I stand up self-confidently, flicking through my phone, pressing play on some of my favorite songs, I set the phone on the table reaching my hand for him. He looks at me questioningly as he gets to his feet...

_"Rafael do you remember school dances when you were a young teenager?"_

He rolls his eyes at the memory...

_"When you would ask the girl you liked to dance, just so you could feel her in your arms?"_

This seems to interest him more...

_"Will you dance with me Rafael?"_

He nods eagerly, smiling as he wraps his arms around me, starting to dance.

I'm surprised as he shows a hidden talent for dancing. He isn't merely shuffling his feet a little as so many men do, he is moving to the music, not just his feet, his hips, his arms, his whole body,...

 _"Why didn't I know you could dance?"_ I question, as I rediscover the pleasure of feeling the music guide my body's movements.

He just shrugs as if it was always obvious he could.

We move comfortably around the living room, happy in each other's arms for a few songs before he pushes my hair back from my face asking, _"What made you want to dance Liv?"_

_"I realised earlier, that instead of concentrating on what I'm not ready to do, we should be doing some of the things we did as teenagers, like asking a girl to dance to feel her in your arms..."_

He smiles broadly as he understands. Nodding approvingly as he pulls me tightly to him and continues to move.

As we did when we were teenagers, we take every opportunity to feel as much of our partner's clothed body as we can. His hands gently running from my waist, up my sides, across my back as my hands run across his back and up his arms. The music and our whirling movements anchoring me to my body in a way I couldn't have anticipated. There is no separation between my body and me, we are one, I inhabit my own skin. As the music swells and wanes we move in time, my body reacting to his, my mind at ease, enjoying the feelings my body communicates.

Like all my playlists, it is a collection of songs I like, with little attention paid to their tempo, and when a slower song starts, he chuckles softly.

_"The slow songs were always my favorite..."_

**_'The higher you build your barriers the taller I become_ **

**_The farther you take my rights away the faster I will run_ **

**_You can deny me, you can decide to turn your face away_ **

**_No matter 'cause there's_ **

**_Something inside so strong'_ **

He pulls me to him, his arms winding tightly around my waist, leaning in and placing a small kiss on my lips. I rest my arms on his shoulders, pulling his head back to me, deepening the kiss.

**_'I know that I can make it_ **

**_Though you're doing me wrong so wrong_ **

**_You thought that my pride was gone_ **

**_Oh, no, something inside so strong_ **

**_there's something inside so strong_ **

**_The more you refuse to hear my voice the louder I will sing_ **

**_You hide behind walls of Jericho, your lies will come tumbling_ **

**_Deny my place in time, you squander wealth that's mine_ **

**_My light will shine so brightly, it will blind you 'cause there's'_ **

I pull his shirt out of his pants, letting my hands explore his skin, much as I had a couple of days ago. His hands are moving on my body, above my clothes, until I guide them under the hem of my loose shirt. His touch is so tender as he strokes my skin.

Again he shows no distinction between the scarred skin and the rest of me, as his fingers deftly move across my stomach.

**_'Something inside so strong_ **

**_I know that I can make it_ **

**_But you're doing me wrong so wrong_ **

**_You thought that my pride was gone_ **

**_Oh, no, something inside so strong_ **

**_theres something inside so strong'_ **

My hands slip from under his shirt, slowly starting to unbutton it, getting two undone before deciding his tie needs to go...

**_'Brothers and sisters_ **

**_When they insist we're just good not enough_ **

**_When we know better_ **

**_Just look 'em in the eyes and say_ **

**_I'm gonna do it anyway'_ **

As I pull the patterned silk from around his neck, he groans slightly into where his lips are working down my neck.

With his tie thrown carelessly behind him, I switch back to unbuttoning his shirt, eagerly running my hands up his chest as it falls open.

Still not content with my access to his skin, I push the suspenders from his shoulders, trying to push the shirt down his arms.

**_'Because there's something inside so strong_ **

**_And I know that I can make it_ **

**_But you're doing me so wrong_ **

**_Oh, no, something inside so strong_ **

**_there's something inside so strong'_ **

The music is forgotten as he reluctantly takes his hands from beneath my shirt for long enough to aid me in my task to rid him of his shirt. As the fabric falls away, I start to trace small kisses down his neck, licking and kissing down onto his shoulder and across his chest.

 _"Liv..."_ his voice is husky, and pleading.

My hands wander up his soft skin, the fingers slowly moving up to meet where my mouth is, tracing circles alongside my exploring lips and tongue.

I lift my head, trying to pull him tighter to my body, to meet his lips again but he pulls his hips back. My hands drop lower, again trying to pull him back into me.

 _"Liv..."_ he whispers throatily.

 _"It's ok Rafael...it's you, you wouldn't hurt me..."_ I know I'm saying the words as much for him as I am for myself. He needs to be reassured that he won't scare me.

I feel him slowly relax the muscles that were pulling him away from me but he has not moved any closer, he is allowing me to direct things, silently reminding me that I am the one in control...

I slowly pull him to me, immediately feeling the reaction I have stirred in his body. He has stilled his hands and he tenses his hips as he feels our bodies touch.

But there is no fear.

There is no confusion.

I know exactly who I can feel lightly pressing up against me and I can feel my own body reacting.

I lean my lips into his, my tongue searching his, my hands continuing their exploration of his torso before he relaxes again. I can feel he is still cautious not to press himself into me too much, but his hands resume their journey.

Again I want more, I guide his hands further up my shirt, slowly raising my arms, silently asking him to take it off...

He takes a tiny step back looking into my eyes _..."Are you sure Liv?"_

I just push his hands up even further, the shirt lifting higher up my belly as I once more raise my arms.

He pulls the shirt carefully over my head, never letting his eyes leave mine.

As I lower my arms, I gently take his hands in mine, kissing them softly, nervously stepping back the tiniest amount, inviting him to look at me, giving him the explicit permission I know he is waiting for.

I can see the desire in his eyes as his eyes take me in, his hands now beginning to roam the newly exposed skin with his eyes, _"God Liv, you're beautiful..."_ he croaks.

After a few moments of allowing his eyes to follow his hands I want to feel his skin against mine and I pull him to me. I can feel his hardness against my thigh as I press my body to his and surprisingly instead of doing anything to quell my desire, it heightens it further and I take his hands once more, wrapping them around my back, resting them on the catch of my bra.

He moans softly into my mouth, _"Liv..."_

I silence his protest with my tongue, _"I'm...in ...control..."_ I sound out between kisses as he undoes the catch and the back falls open.

With the way our bodies are pressed together the bra barely moves except for the open back.

 _"Take it off me..."_ I whisper seductively into his ear.

Again he removes it with his eyes carefully locked on mine in case I regret the action. I don't...so I place a hand softly on the back of his head kissing him again before I gently guide his head down. He traces a soft line of kisses down my neck, my collarbone and onto my chest...it is pure bliss. My head falls back as his dips down and I feel his lips on the top of my breast. He lavishes attention on my chest with his hands and his mouth, sucking, licking, stroking as my hands can only grasp his biceps.

Slowly his kisses trace back up my neck and his lips hungrily find mine, his bare chest pressing against mine for the first time. The sensation is fantastic.

My body is alive with pleasure. His mouth is on mine and his hands are softly caressing the sides of my breasts as his chest softly rubs against my sensitive nipples. I can feel how much he is enjoying this, in the hard flesh lightly pressed against my hip, I never want this to end...I want more...

My body calls for more as my mind asks "what does 'more' mean?".

I tilt my head slightly to one side as his tongue softly traces its way to the pulse point thumping away on my neck, teasing the sensitive flesh with his lips and tongue.

My foggy brain is still trying to decipher what the 'more' my body wants is? I'm only wearing sleep shorts and underwear...

As he tips his head back up to find my lips, I kiss him softly, resting my forehead gently on his...I know he is caught up in the same pleasure I can still feel radiating through my body and when he begins to move his head from where my forehead is resting against his, I softly call his name _..."Rafael..."_

This seems to penetrate through to his brain _..."Are you ok Liv?"_ he rasps.

I wrap my arms around his shoulders as he rests his forehead back against mine.

I nod softly as his arms wind around my waist.

My throaty voice whispers, _"I'm sorry Rafael, that's all I'm comfortable with..."_

His head rises quickly, and I unconsciously mirror his movement, _"Don't ever apologize to me for that,...you can say stop at any time...do you hear me?"_

His voice is still heavy with desire, but his words are strong.

 _"Are you ok?"_ he asks worriedly, not sure what I want him to do.

I nod quickly, _"Just hold me?"_

I'm sure that my warm skin is now teasing him horribly, but he pulls me to him carefully trying to pull his hips back at the same time. I place my hands on his hips stilling him.

He sees that we are right beside the couch and pulls us onto it, with him completely encircling my body and letting my head lean on his shoulder.

I can hear his heart thudding away from just below where my head rests.

 _"My body wanted more..."_ I whisper as he nods placing a soft kiss on my head _..."...it felt so good..."_

His hands pulls my face up, until I meet his eyes, he nods for me to continue, _"...my head seemed to just switch back on...asking what 'more' meant...that didn't happen when I took off your shirt or you took mine off...I wasn't afraid or triggered...it just felt like...enough..."_

I try to look away but he won't let me _..."Liv, you are amazing...I am so proud of you...you are so strong...you took so many huge steps today and the most important of them was that you knew when to stop..."_

_"But I got you all hot and bothered, and then just stopped..."_

_"That doesn't matter in the slightest..."_

_"That's a pretty difficult claim to make Rafael when I can still feel how turned on I got you..."_

I can see he is embarrassed by my comment and I immediately regret making it... _"I didn't mean that the way it came out Rafael...please don't be embarrassed...trust me, my body is in the same state..."_ I gently stroke his cheek, _"What I was trying to say is that I know it does matter...it's uncomfortable...I cannot tell you how much it means to me that you stopped, and that you're trying to tell me it doesn't matter...but it does matter..."_

_"No Liv, it doesn't matter...my body is a bit slow in getting the message but the only thing you could have done to hurt or upset me was to try and force yourself to continue when you felt that doubt...the last thing I want is for you to try and push through your limits, I know how strong you are, I know how much pain you can take, but I want to show you pleasure...the very least you deserve is that a man stops when you ask him to..."_

His hand is softly stroking my hair as his other arm is wrapped around me. I am aware I am more than half naked, as is he, but I don't feel any urgency to get dressed.

 _"That felt so good Rafael...my body felt...alive..."_ the emotions I feel as I realize this, are too strong to corral and tears start to roll down my cheeks...

 _"What's wrong Liv?"_ he asks urgently.

_"I don't know why I'm crying? It felt so good...I thought I'd never feel anything like that again...after him, I thought my ability to feel like that was gone..."_

He relaxes, as he understands that the huge sense of victory I'm feeling is sending my emotions haywires.

_"Are you sure it wasn't too much?"_

I shake my head certainly, _"If anything, it wasn't enough...I know I stopped it, but I wanted more..."_

He smiles, shaking his head and kissing my forehead, _"No, you were right to stop ..."_

A moment passes as he pulls his bottom lip with his teeth, _"I was worried every time you progressed things...somehow, now, I feel more confident when you say something is ok...does that make sense?"_

I know this is something he is really afraid to say, so the fact that he says it means even more, I nod, _"Because now you know I will say stop..."_

He nods, holding my head in his hand kissing me, his lips pressed to mine.

_"It feels wrong that I just stopped though..."_

Again he shakes his head, his forehead crinkling as he struggles to find a way to explain what he is thinking _..."You said your body was reacting to what we were doing?"_ I nod definitely, my eyes rolling unconsciously, _"So your body is left...unsatisfied...?",_ again I nod, _"But you wouldn't want me to have continued if I didn't want to...?"_ , I shake my head, _"It's the same thing...Liv, it's no different...except it's a little harder to hide what my body thinks..."_

 _"I don't know about that..."_ I mutter...

 _"Ok, now you're killing me Liv..."_ he groans, dramatically rubbing his face as that smirk peeks out.

I can't help the laugh that escapes me.

 _"I really did feel pleasure Rafael..."_ these words again, bring forward tears, _"I'm just worried how long it might be before I'm ready to... finish things...It's not fair to you..."_

 _"Liv, will you please stop worrying about this? Trust me, I enjoyed what we did, more than I can tell you, ...you may, even have gotten a few clues as to how much I was enjoying it...? You're so beautiful...and I got to see, and touch, and taste...people would kill for less..."_ he accompanies his last words with a self-satisfied smirk.

_"I haven't even thought about my scars..."_

He smiles broadly at this.

_"I never thought I could forget about them when someone could see them or touched them...but I really forgot..."_

_"Liv, you are beautiful, really beautiful,...and I plan on showing you a lot more pleasure..."_ that cocky smirk is plastered over his face.

 _"Oh really?"_ I answer teasingly.

 _"Uh huh"_ he mutters as his mouth goes straight to a particularly sensitive place on my neck... I can't help the soft moan that escapes my lips.

_"And you are going to teach me every little touch you enjoy, every place that you like to be touched..."_

The promise in his words causes me to moan again as his lips find mine.

_"I like this idea of doing all the sneaky things I used to do just to get close to a girl..."_

I laugh, _"They weren't that sneaky Rafael...we knew what you were at..."_

 _"What? You mean you never thought that we were worried your skin would burn when we offered to apply sunscreen?"_ He tries to look shocked...

 _"I mean, I should probably help you moisturize your skin...wouldn't want it getting all dry..."_ He starts to massage my shoulders, pretending to rub lotion into the skin...

 _"Well at least now, you know what you'll be doing tomorrow night..."_ I say softly _, "I do have problems reaching my back to put lotion on...and since you're so good at that...but now, it's bed time..."_ I can see him smile, and it is clear that he wouldn't mind doing exactly what I half-jokingly proposed...

His arms pull me back to him, _"Maybe, it's too soon to sleep... like this..."_ He gestures carefully to his naked torso...

I can only nod, so grateful to not have to be the one to bring it up.

He gets to his feet, gathering the clothes discarded around the room, he pulls my bra from the pile, holding it out for me to put my arms through the straps, fitting it carefully to my body, reaching around and closing the clasps. As he withdraws his arms, he places a small kiss on the top of each bra covered breast, and somehow, him redressing me is even more erotic than him taking the clothes off me. He finds my shirt and pulls it over my head, allowing his hands to travel along my body, smoothing it down my torso from the inside...

_" **You're** killing **me** now Rafael..."_

He runs a hand through my hair, smoothing it softly, smiling... _"But what a way to go...right?"_

He kisses me lightly, cupping my face, looking me in the eye, _"You're beautiful"_

I pull him to his feet allowing him to grab his bag, leading him to my bedroom again.

When I return from my pre-bedtime bathroom visit, he is dressed in a pale blue t-shirt and pale blue and navy, wide striped, light, summer pajama pants.

And after he takes his turn in the bathroom, he crawls onto the bed beside me.

_"I meant what I said Liv, you are very beautiful...and I want you to show me how and where you like to be touched...I want to be able to pleasure you..."_

For a moment I'm not sure how to answer him, _"And I meant what I said, you can help me moisturize tomorrow night...and you can show me how to return that delicious massage you're going to give me..."_

He smiles widely, knowing that we have agreed, pulling me into his side, one arm loosely across my shoulders, my hand clasped in his against his chest where I can feel his heart still pounding as I lay my head beside it.


	18. Under pressure

**This is a little different because it's from Rafael's perspective, I didn't want to veer from Liv's voice, but it felt necessary, and I've been very conscious of how much pressure he too has been under... _"Under Pressure"_ by _Queen/David Bowie_**

I woke early. At some stage, while she slept she had turned. Her face and body pointed away from me but every part of her that could, still lay along the length of my body. It was as if she moved as she slept, but immediately missed the contact of the warmth of my body and twisted until she recaptured it.

I'm not sure she can be comfortable, but she seems to be very contentedly asleep. Her hand still clasps mine even though the arm that owns it is now, twisted back behind her. Her neck is stretched as her head is cushioned on the soft pillow while her body twists back towards mine.

Her brown locks partly cover her face where they must have fallen as her head moved. The rest of her hair rests on the pillow between us, stretching down her neck, past her shoulders and onto her back.

I want nothing more than to push the hair from her sleeping face, to kiss the neck that is extended from the way her head and body twist away from each other, her soft skin almost too much for me to resist.

I am completely overcome with want... As I watch her sleep so peacefully, I want her.

I want more than nearly anything else, to tuck my body in close behind hers, to press my aching flesh against her...I want to wake her with soft kisses tracing their way down her neck, slowly taking off the clothes that hinder my access to her skin. I want her to turn to me, helping me pull our clothes off, encouraging me to help her catch up to my level of arousal. I want to explore every inch of her, I want her to pull my head down her body, showing me where she wants my tongue, my lips, my hands...I want to see her writhing under my attentions, breathlessly, pleading for what she wants, as I gently tease her body. I want her to say my name in that voice I heard last night, that throaty, breathy, voice that screams of arousal and sex. I want her pleasure to peak noisily under my stimulations as I urge her on, I want to see her feel that much pleasure, I want to feel her body tip over the edge, at only the use of my mouth and hands... I want her to plead for more, pulling me onto her, pleading with me to give her what she wants...I want to feel her body under me as I slide into her, to feel her stretching around me, moaning in pleasure. I want to see her moving with me, basking in every sensation our bodies produce...I want to see every inch of her body respond to me as I caress her, to see her breathing change as her pleasure becomes too much, I want to touch her so she can't hold anything back from me, to feel her body pulsing around me as I watch her completely let go...

I lie beside her, as all of this goes through my mind, very conscious of how much I want this. My body won't let me deny my want. The front of my pajama pants is tented, the loose fabric now pulled tight. I reach down to try and adjust myself, to reduce the immense pressure. My own slight touch only making things worse. My need all the more consuming as my body screams for relief.

I'm very aware of the old cliché of men only having enough blood to run one brain as I lie here.

I want her. Her proximity, her smell all around me, is intoxicating.

My breathing is even further evidence of how I feel, as I pant softly.

I very carefully turn over. Moving as slowly and gently as I know how. There is no change in her breathing and no movement as my hand unconsciously moves down my body. I feel harder than I think I have ever been and I can't help wondering if it is because my arousal from last night may never have completely dissipated?

That small thought of last night is enough to bring reality crashing down on to me...

What am I thinking? I'm lying here in her bed, beside her, like this? I try to justify that I can't control the reactions of my sleeping body, but as I look to see my hand slightly rubbing against me as I try to find a more comfortable position inside the confines of my underwear, I am appalled.

I am racked by guilt as I consider what I was fantasizing about only moments ago. This is exactly what she was worried about. What I tried to assure her was fine. I know I would never have acted on the thoughts in my head but somehow the fact that they were there at all feels like a betrayal. Like all my words, my assurances that I wouldn't pressure her, that there was no rush, were some sort of empty ploy to get what I want.

**_'Pressure pushing down on me_ **

**_Pressing down on you no man ask for_ **

**_Under pressure that brings a building down'_ **

I want to quickly dress and leave, but I know how badly that would hurt her, and I don't want to hurt her anymore. I need to do something and I can't let her find me like this so I reach for my phone to check the time, making sure it is a reasonable time to claim I need to go to work. It's later than I though it was, nearly 8am...as I slip out of her bed, heading for the shower quickly before she can wake up.

I quickly lock the door, knowing there is no need to, but unable to stop myself. I start the shower, allowing it to heat as I throw off my clothes. I step under the spray, soaping my hair and body as quickly as I can, again disgusted at the flesh that still betrays me. As the suds run down my skin, I turn the temperature right down, shivering slightly as the cold spray hits me. My muscles tense at the shock of the reduced temperature and it immediately cools my heated passions.

I dry myself off, throwing on the jeans and shirt I had brought for this morning. As I quite often do, on a Saturday morning I choose not to shave, carefully stroking the light stubble that graces my face. I quite like this look and often wish it fitted with my life better.

I quickly throw my nightwear into the bag with any of the other personal items I had pulled out. I quickly debate the merits of waking her or leaving her a note as I stroll back into her bedroom.

I needn't have worried, the sound of the shower must have woken her because she is lying there wide awake.

" _Morning Liv"_ I immediately say basking in the broad smile she gives me, before I can think I have leaned in and kissed her lips softly.

She returns the kiss, letting her arms wind around my neck briefly.

 _"You're going to be late..."_ she cautions smiling as she pulls back from me.

I nod slightly as I take the opportunity to grab my keys from where I left them by the bedside. I feel an immense guilt because I had debated just not going in at all today and had already considered how workable it would be, before I woke up like that...

 _"I'll call you later"_ I say leaning in for another quick kiss.

As she moves to get up, I gently cup her face, _"Stay in bed...you look too comfortable..."._

I barely stop the words _"I wish I could stay there with you...",_ and my guilt deepens as I quietly leave.

**_'It's the terror of knowing_ **

**_What the world is about_ **

**_Watching some good friends_ **

**_Screaming 'Let me out''_ **

I run to my office, immediately immersing myself in anything I can find to distract me from the guilt and self-hatred lurking in the shadows, only waiting for the opportunity to flood out.

I'm by no means the only person working but the hallways lack the regular throng of traffic and I can almost pick out the footsteps that make their way into my office. I have no idea who it is, I'm not expecting anyone, but yet the identity of my visitor still comes as a shock.

I merely nod my head in greeting, gesturing to one of the chairs in front of my desk.

He returns the nod, shrugging into the closest chair.

I close the file I had been working on, looking to him, silently questioning why he is here?

He takes a deep breath as if he has no idea what to say either...

 _"I wanted to catch you when I thought we could talk?"_ he says softly.

 _"And you had nothing better to do on a Saturday morning?"_ I counter, a lot harsher that I meant to but then again there's a lot I can't control today, why should my tongue be any different?

He raises an eyebrow but passes no comment.

 _"How is she?"_ he asks tenderly. I can't help but feel like he is studying me as his eyes never leave me.

I know I should feel a lot more at ease than I do, this man cares for her too and we have spoken like this before.

_"I know she has been talking to you a lot too Fin, it's hard for her, but she's really trying not to keep it all inside..."_

He nods understandingly _..."I guess this isn't what we expected somehow..."_

I nod tightly, unsure whether he means the news, or how it happened, or all the other things interwoven into the news.

 _"She was worried about me..."_ he says surprisingly levelly... _"She knew I needed to talk to someone that wasn't her, to say some of the things I would never say to her...she told Amanda...nearly everything...so that she would understand, and sent her to talk to me..."_

I knew she was worried for him and that she had spoken to Amanda but I didn't put it all together, I'm not surprised though, that's classic Liv.

He shrugs as if he knew what I was thinking, _"And she's worried about you..."_

**_'These are the days it never rains but it pours'_ **

This surprises me and if it was anyone other than the man that sits in front of me, my surprise may have gone unnoticed but he has seen it.

I can almost see him make the decision to spell it out to me... _"She says you have been great, but she knows how hard it has to be, to be so conscious of saying and doing the right things and not scaring her...she wants you to be able to talk to someone..."_

Again I can't seem to control what comes out of my mouth _..."And what makes her think I'd want to talk to you?"_

I see a glimmer of something in his eye before it disappears _, "I guess she sent Amanda to me, so it was either me or Carisi?"_ he shrugs.

 _"I'm fine"_ I snap.

**_'Turned away from it all like a blind man_ **

**_Sat on a fence but it don't work'_ **

_"Yeah cos you sound 'fine'"_ he snaps back and I see that glimmer again, and I realize he is trying to make this as easy for me as he can.

I raise my hands in apology, my hand scrubbing my face before I look back to him.

_"I'm sorry Fin."_

He just shrugs off my apology easily, all traces of anger gone. _"I've been trying but I can't quite imagine how hard it is for you...I know you care about her...and I know you don't want to hurt her...I've never been in your position."_

Now it's my turn to shrug. His eyes narrow and it feels like he's reading my mind...

_"I know you're not a big talker either Barba, but sometimes you gotta...not just for you but for her too...like it or not, the stress and pressure is going to get to be too much, what good are you going to be to her if you can't let it out?"_

I know how easily Fin reads people and I know that every part of my reaction is screaming at him as he says these words.

_"After the beach house, I saw how she jumped as Amaro tried to wrap a blanket around her shoulders...how she almost leapt out of her skin, when I tried to help her up when Harris had...I've seen her try to hide it almost every time she's done it...and I've seen it happen a couple of times in the last few days...it's brought up a lot..."_

I can only nod.

_"I know it's hard to know sometimes, if it's ok to reach out to her, for fear of scaring her...I can't imagine how hard it becomes when it's the woman you're trying to build a relationship with..."_

I feel my jaw tighten, as I try to hold back the words.

_"We've discussed this before, sex is hard enough in this job...I can't imagine...but from what she's said you're doing the right things...she knows it's taking its toll though...she doesn't need anymore guilt..."_

I can't help thinking that it's not by accident that his final comment doesn't appeal to me it makes an appeal for her, not to make her feel anymore guilt...I think he knows that it is **this** that would get to me...

 _"It doesn't feel right discussing her like this..."_ I almost whisper.

**_'Keep coming up with love but it's so slashed and torn_ **

**_Why - why - why?'_ **

_"I know man,..."_ He wipes his hand across his mouth and chin, _"but she knows you need to talk..."_

I lean back into my chair heavily. He's right I do need to talk...after this morning I feel like I'm about to burst...but I don't want to talk to him. I mentally tick off my options, some sort of support group or a therapist are immediately ruled and I'm out of options...I know he's not shy but it really does feel wrong to discuss her like this with one of her detectives, but he's not here as her detective, that's why he's here today, he's here as her friend, her brother...and my resolve cracks...

**_'Insanity laughs under pressure we're breaking_ **

**_Can't we give ourselves one more chance_ **

**_Why can't we give love that one more chance'_ **

_"It is hard...I've done as much research as I can...I want to make sure I don't hurt her anymore...and she is amazing, she is talking to me, asking questions, making suggestions, she's trying to help me, guide me so I know what she wants or doesn't want...if she has a nightmare...or just gets scared..."_

He nods approvingly.

 _"Some of the time I know what not to do...and she tries to give me as much information as she can...but when she wakes up and I can feel her fear..."_ the only way I can finish the sentence is with a shrug.

I can see he understands. _"You know she can tell you what she wants or needs...?"_

Again I nod, _"And she does...she gives me guidelines and then tells me if she wants to be held or not, when she can..."_

_"Barba, you're doing well...you don't earn that level of trust from Liv for nothing..."_

I give him a quick smile for this much needed, complimentary, reminder...

He chews his bottom lip slightly before finishing my thought for me, _"But not all situations are so easy..."_

My eyes drop to my desk, anxiously studying an almost unseen mark on the front of the file.

_"You know you'll have to talk about sex and intimacy in really explicit detail, you can't be shy with her..."_

My eyes don't leave the desk and I feel like an embarrassed teenager talking to his parents about sex as I stutter out _..."We are...it's not easy for either of us, but we are..."_

I can feel his unwavering gaze on me as he tries to figure out what I'm not saying... I know he's drawing deep on everything he has learnt in SVU and meshing it with personal experiences to try and help me, to make it easier on me, so I don't have to say whatever it is I'm so desperately trying to avoid saying...

_"So you've really talked about sex, you've made a plan..."_

I can't help the eye roll that accompanies the small bob of my head.

**_''Cause love's such an old fashioned word_ **

**_And love dares you to care for_ **

**_The people on the edge of the night'_ **

_"Are you both keeping to the plan?"_

I'm terrified he thinks I'm doing more than she wants or pressuring her and can't help my head quickly lifting, _"I wouldn't pressure her or do anything she didn't want..."_

He quickly raises his hands, wordlessly assuring me he believes me. I see him look at me questioningly and my eyes drop back to my desk and I feel a flush of red climbing into my cheeks.

I hear him shift in his chair, leaning towards me, _"But you want more, you fantasize about more?"_

I want to melt into the floor. I didn't hear any judgment in his voice as he asks the question but I want to be anywhere else as the memories of this morning flood back.

Now he seems to understand _..."And your body isn't always reacting the way you want it to?"_

I try not to move as the bloom of embarrassment and guilt opens itself out widely, somewhere deep in my stomach, its roots moving to strangle my insides.

_"Look man, you know that's biology as well as I do...and she knows it too...you both obviously want more...if you're taking and making plans...she's a beautiful woman, of course you're going to fantasize about her, especially when she's lying beside you..."_

My head lifts without my permission, as I wonder how he figured it out...

 _"You're not dead, it can't be the first fantasy you had about her..."_ he shrugs.

My resolve long broken, the dam finally cracks and I can't hold the words back anymore, _"But after I told her it doesn't matter, than we can work it out, that I'm not pressuring her, all those words, it feels like they were all just empty when I'm lying beside her like that thinking..."_

I hear him suck in a deep breath... _"That has to be confusing...but they weren't empty words...Like I said, I've never been in your position...it takes a really strong guy to help a woman rediscover sex after something like what Liv has been through...all I have to compare it to, is those feelings you get when you sometimes look at your own penis, and wonder how any man could use his body like that..."_

I can't help but meet his eye as he talks...

_"We all get them, man, those feelings that we don't want to admit to...she knows and understands, how a body can react to stimulation during a rape, she understands this, she understands how sometimes, it feels like your body is betraying you...she understands how hard it has to be to lie in bed beside her...or to kiss her or touch her and stop...she knows how confusing it has to be...she's probably even more confused..."_

I nod deeply at this...

**_'And love dares you to change our way of_ **

**_Caring about ourselves'_ **

_"I've heard Liv tell so many women over the years, that what happened wasn't sexual, it was violence, and you know what they all say?..."_

I've heard this for myself so I finish his sentence _..."but it was sex...that's how he hurt me..."_

He nods _..."I get it...I do...but I don't understand it...and I never want to...I wish I could have protected her from Harris, from Lewis...but I couldn't...and it haunts me..."_ the last three words are almost whispered, I know he is opening up for me...

_"Every detail she tells me, it kills me that she suffered it...and I know there's so much she's not telling me...I don't know what secrets she has kept...I don't know what terrifies her or triggers her...and it probably feels like sometimes you don't either, but whatever you're doing is working...keep talking to her...she trusts you...and that's no small thing...you're supposed to fantasize about her, and knowing Liv she'd probably tell you that..."_

I can't help the smile that crosses my face as I bob my head again.

_"Don't feel guilty about a fantasy or a hard on...and you're going to have to get over embarrassment about it too...this whole thing is so much more difficult then it should be, you're going to have to talk a whole lot more about it than you're going to want to, and from what little I know, there could be a lot of tears, or panic at inopportune moments, and you'll have to hold her and reassure her...but it will build up in you too...and you have to have an outlet or you won't be able to help her... I could help you find a husbands and boyfriends support group, online or in person, or help you find someone to talk to, or you can talk to me or Amanda... but you have to talk to someone..."_

**_'This is ourselves_ **

**_Under pressure'_ **

I sigh deeply, again rubbing my hand across my face, _"I know..."_

_"And I understand that some things you won't be able to tell her... she knows that too...and I'll never tell her either... I can help you find answers when you need them..."_

I nod gratefully meeting his eyes carefully

_"She has had some pretty rotten taste in men...you're a good guy..."_

I can't help remembering some of his muttered criticisms and Cassidy directed obscenities but I also can't ignore how he was there for the man as much as he could be during the whole Lewis affair. I never quite understood it until now, Fin was being there for Liv, by being there for her boyfriend so he could, in turn support Liv.

I give him a tight smile _"It is a lot of pressure, but she's worth every bit of it...I know we'll make mistakes...we already have, but mostly we've been able to talk it through...I'm terrified I'll do or say something to make it worse...some of what was said to her...it's almost worse..."_

He swallows deeply and I know he's thinking of examples... _"No one is perfect Barba, not even you with your shined shoes and perfect suits... you will make mistakes, but you don't want to hurt her, that counts for a lot...you can call me, anytime...if it comes to it, I can help you explain your fuck up to her..."_

I can't help the smile that accompanies a small chuckle.

_"This isn't something you can't tell her...don't make her feel guilty just tell her you freaked out a bit...and you know it's just biology..."_

I roll my eyes...meeting his eyes again, thanking him wordlessly.

**_'Under pressure'_ **

_"And Barba, you hurt her..."_

I'm as serious as he is, as my heads nods my understanding and agreement at his implied threat, our eyes locked.

**_'Pressure'_ **

_"I mean it, you can call me...anytime..."_ he reiterates, nodding his head as he strolls back out my door.


	19. True colours

**Again this is from Rafael's viewpoint, I'm not quite finished with him... _"True colors"_ by _Steinberg, Billy / Kelly, Tom,_ sung by _Cyndi Lauper._**

As I can still hear the sound of his retreating footsteps, I stand up and walk to the window, lost in silent contemplation as I look out at the pale blue sky.

I can only imagine that the quiet man has said more than he thought possible in the last few days, between his talks with Liv and Amanda, and now me. I recognize that he is right, sometimes you have to talk, and I can't help but wonder if Liv has only recently come to this conclusion too?

**_'You with the sad eyes_ **

**_Don't be discouraged_ **

**_Oh I realize_ **

**_It's hard to take courage_ **

**_In a world full of people_ **

**_You can lose sight of it all_ **

**_And the darkness inside you_ **

**_Can make you feel so small_ **

**_But I see your true colors_ **

**_Shining through'_ **

His words reverberate around my head.

He was right on so many counts.

And he understood all the subtext in my long ago question, about how you can go home to a normal life, to relationships after what we see? I knew he understood I was asking about sex, but he understood even deeper. He has felt the same hatred of his own body, that same disbelief that someone could use their body like that...his honesty has helped me feel so much better.

Just his acknowledgement that he hasn't been in this position and that he can only imagine how hard it is, makes me feel less of a failure. Somehow it feels wrong to even consider how it affects me...after everything she has endured.

I'm not sure I will ever be able to look at another frozen faced, panic-eyed, man desperately trying to find a way to support the woman beside him, through court proceedings in the same way again.

I still have so much to learn...but if Fin with all of his years as an SVU detective and me, an SVU ADA, struggle to find a way to deal with this, how can any man with no training or experience with horrors like this, hope to manage?

I know he means it when he offers that I can call him anytime.

If I was to be really honest, I had been feeling the building pressure, but I felt guilty for it. I felt weak. I felt like none of this should feel like a burden, because of how I feel about her, like I should be able to cope because I want to help her...I would never have reached out...

Not for the first time, I wonder if this is how it feels, to some small degree, for Liv, how it felt for Amanda?

**_'I see your true colors_ **

**_And that's why I love you_ **

**_So don't be afraid to let them show_ **

**_Your true colors_ **

**_True colors are beautiful_ **

**_Like a rainbow'_ **

If not for myself, I will talk to Fin or Amanda when I feel the pressure building... for Liv.

Again, I can't help my thoughts flicking to Cassidy, I didn't really know him, but I wasn't a fan...I always felt she could do so much better and I always got the impression I wasn't the only one to come to this conclusion. But as I begin to better understand, more and more I find myself feeling real sympathy for the man. No, not sympathy, empathy...I can only imagine how it must have been for him...for his girlfriend to go to work one day, and for a stranger to return four days later. If I'm feeling pressure two years later, when I have a lot of information and she is talking to me, how must it have been when this was all too fresh, when she couldn't talk to him... No matter my previous opinion of him, he was a good man, he was willing to do a lot for her...

I look to the clock to find it is nearly 2pm and I don't wonder why my stomach is growling angrily, I did skip breakfast and the two empty coffee cups that are in my bin, not to mention the one that didn't even make it this far, haven't helped much.

I know I must have gotten a good three hours work done, before Fin's arrival, and in my hurry to hide away, I was very productive...

I debate leaving now and trying to take Liv and Noah for a late lunch, and working a couple of hours tomorrow, but settle on calling her now, having a quick sandwich at my desk and taking her for dinner instead, leaving me with all of tomorrow to spend with her.

I decide to multi-task, in the hopes of finishing the avalanche of paperwork ten minutes earlier, by calling her as I walk to Starbucks for more caffeine and food.

She answers the phone with her customary _"Benson"_

_"Hey Liv...I'm sorry for the way I left this morning..."_

_"It's ok Rafael, you were late..."_

_"It's not ok Liv, look how about I apologize to you properly, later, over dinner? We can go out or stay in, whatever you prefer?"_

When she speaks again I can hear the smile on her lips _"Would you mind if we stay in?"_

_"Not at all Liv, it means I can grovel for your forgiveness in private..."_

I'm rewarded with a deep chuckle.

_"So I hope to finish about 5:30 or 6pm, I might just swing by my place on the way over?"_

_"Of course, you'll need clothes...at least some of the time..."_

_"You're killing me Liv...I've to work now with that idea in my head..."_

This time I hear a throaty laugh...

_"See you soon Liv"_

_"See you in a while Rafael"_

I end the call just in time to place my order. As the barista makes my Venti coffee, and my sandwich sizzles on the sandwich press, I let my mind consider her promise that I'd only need clothes some of the time...

This woman is going to be the death of me, I think, as I debate just abandoning my work...

I shake the images from my head, thanking the young barista who calls my name and hands me my coffee and toasted sandwich with a smile.

Uncharacteristically for me, I take the time to read the name printed on her badge, using it to return her call of _"have a good day"._

I sip carefully on the hot coffee as I make my way back to my desk, debating the implausibility of balancing the coffee while unwrapping and eating the sandwich as I walk. I discount the idea of stopping to open the paper and napkins wrapped around the hot sandwich, deciding on the much wiser idea of not wasting the time and simultaneously allowing it to cool enough to wolf it down.

I am so grateful for the lack of distraction on the weekend, as I unwrap the sandwich and launch myself back into the files.

The only escape I allow myself other than a call of nature, is the quick glance to the clock, and calculation of whether I am still on the schedule I have set for myself, after every few completed tasks.

As I check the last file and am satisfied that my notes are sufficient to recall all of the pertinent facts, I look to the clock, feeling a huge sense of delight to see that it is only 5:20pm.

I cannot resist a quick text...

_[Just finishing up now, who knew you had such hidden motivational skills?]_

I quickly gather my things, carefully placing any files I may need first thing on Monday, into my briefcase, as my phone beeps.

_[I have many hidden skills...]_

My mouth falls open. Yep, she's definitely going to be the death of me...

_[You're killing me...]_

The little dots appear immediately...

_[See you soon]_

I'm glad no one is around to watch me walk much faster than my customary stroll, out to my car. I immediately head for home.

As I sit impatiently at a red light, I can't help but the see the florist shop brimming with beautiful flowers of all colors. I quickly debate the thought of buying her some flowers... It feels like a cliché, the guy in trouble buying the woman he is trying to plead forgiveness from, a bouquet of flowers. I have no idea if she likes even flowers...or what kind she might like?

I make a decision and quickly pull over, getting out of the car, walking the block back to the florist.

I find myself standing in the middle of the store slightly overwhelmed by the choice...suddenly very unsure of my impulsive decision. The older of two women working in the shop makes her way over to me, _"Can I help you, Sir?"_ she asks softly. She looks to be a similar age to my mother, with light blonde hair pushed gently behind her ears and kind green eyes.

 _"I'm looking for some flowers...I don't know what she likes..."_ I start to say, and I see a soft smile spread across her lips.

_"They're for a lady friend?"_

I nod gratefully as she saves me trying to find a word to describe who Liv is to me.

 _"Something ornate or a bit more plain?"_ she gestures to two different bouquets.

 _"More plain"_ I state looking at the glitter and odd-looking flowers of the more ornate arrangement with bewilderment.

 _"It's not for an occasion?"_ she asks.

I shake my head not sure how to explain that I just wanted to romance her a little, to show her some respect, as my abuela would have put it, to treat her like a lady...

**_'Show me a smile then_ **

**_Don't be unhappy, can't remember_ **

**_When I last saw you laughing_ **

**_If this world makes you crazy_ **

**_And you've taken all you can bear_ **

**_You call me up_ **

**_Because you know I'll be there_ **

**_And I'll see your true colors_ **

**_Shining through'_ **

_"Just a gesture of affection?"_ again she saves me trying to explain as I nod approvingly.

She looks around the store, her gaze landing on a selection of black, water filled buckets, before she sweeps around the buckets she had chosen, gathering blooms together, holding them out to me for my approval.

As I move towards her to inspect the chosen flowers, I'm struck by a beautiful smell, _"What smells so nice?"_ I ask quickly.

She reaches into another bucket holding a flower to me, inviting me to smell it.

I nod my head eagerly as she adds it to the bunch she is holding. The flowers she holds are lovely, neither too much, or measly, and the last addition makes them smell beautiful. I nod my approval as she starts towards the counter, wrapping them deftly, in green tissue paper and a kind of tougher cellophane that she somehow manages to pour a small amount of water into. She gestures to a rack of ribbons and decorations to her left for me to choose...

I immediately set upon a multicolored toy windmill that I know Noah will adore, and I choose a bright blue ribbon.

She smiles at my choice, gently pushing the windmill into the arrangement of flowers. As she ties the ribbon into a bow I pick out a vanilla scented candle

in a small glass jar, I know she loves vanilla, often opting for vanilla flavored coffee, inhaling it deeply before drinking it.

 _"She's a lucky lady"_ the woman tells me as I pay.

 _"No. I'm a lucky man"_ I correct her, as I thank her, and head back to my car.

**_'I see your true colors_ **

**_And that's why I love you_ **

**_So don't be afraid to let them show_ **

**_Your true colors_ **

**_True colors are beautiful_ **

**_Like a rainbow'_ **

In no time, I'm pulling into my apartment and don't waste a second, quickly throwing clothes into my bag, also pulling out a suit for Monday. Putting it into a travel suit bag, I do a last check that I have everything I could need, before locking my door and heading back to the car, glad to be moving again.

I seem to catch every red light in the city but it's not enough to ruin my good mood, as I take the time to smell the flowers and candle that are deliciously infusing my car.

Finally I pull in beside her apartment, zipping the candle into a side pocket of the bag and draping the suit bag over it to allow me a free hand to lock the car and negotiate the front door and its keypad. With everything settled I grab the flowers and head up.

I knock on the door, not needing to be careful of waking Noah or neighbors at this time.

As I step in I hand her the flowers.

She takes them inhaling their scent deeply. _"They're beautiful Rafael, thank you..."_

I can see there is no need to explain my thought behind them as I look into her eyes.

A delighted Noah has spotted the toy windmill and is toddling over as quickly as his little legs will carry him.

Liv bends down to him _"I think this is for you Noah?"_

I just nod.

 _"Look Noah..."_ she says, gently blowing the windmill so the petal shaped blades start to turn slowly.

He claps his hands, pleading for her to do it again, as she shows him how to blow on the side of the petals, when his huge, first attempt results in absolutely no movement, and he scowls. After a few studying tries he has the windmill spinning, and he meanders away to play with it.

I reach into my bag pulling out the candle and handing it to her, _"I know you like vanilla..."_ , before dropping the bag to the floor and hanging the suit bag.

As soon as my hands are clear, she pulls me to her, _"Thank you Rafael...they're beautiful."_

She briefly checks on her son before pulling me into a deep kiss.

**_'So don't be afraid to let them show_ **

**_Your true colors_ **

**_True colors'_ **

Noah is babbling away excitedly, with his new windmill clasped in his hand, as we sit onto the couch.

He comes over crawling up between us and shoving the toy in our faces, one at a time, to get us to spin it for him.

As he starts to tire of this, Liv shows him that he can spin it with his finger too, and again he's entertained, as she tries to calm him as his bedtime approaches.

She asks him if he'd like a story and up he jumps, running to his room. In a matter of seconds he's back out with a book clasped in his hand.

He crawls back up onto the couch, curling contentedly, into his mom as she starts to read from the book.

After a few pages, he is yawning, and Liv tells him to say goodnight to me, and go into bed while she makes his milk.

He clambers off the couch, waving his hand and blowing kisses at me as he gathers his dinosaur, the book and windmill and tries to carry them all to bed. I can't help but chuckle, as I see the exact same look of determination his mom gets, when she is faced with something she has been told is impossible. One of the items hits the floor a couple of times, but he perseveres, shuffling the items repeatedly, and eventually the little boy and the toys make it into bed.

 _"I'll only be a few minutes"_ she says bringing him in a yellow sippy cup of milk, and after a few minutes to change him into his PJ's, she picks up the book where she had left off.

Not long later his little voice is silent and she appears back into the living room.

 _"He ran himself out in the park, he's just gotten the confidence to go on the bigger slide and it's all he wants to do..."_ she tells me falling into the couch.

 _"I don't think he's the only one worn out"_ I chuckle.

 _"How can one toddler be so much more exhausting than running a squad of detectives?"_ she agrees laughing.

 _"What do you want to order for dinner?"_ I ask as she considers.

 _"Italian?"_ she suggests pulling up a menu on her phone passing it to me to make a choice as I nod.

She places our order, as she gathers two bottles or water and a bottle of red wine, glasses, plates and cutlery, putting them all on the small table in front of the couch.

She arranges the flowers I brought her into a vase and places them in front of us, lighting the vanilla candle, as she dims the lights down to the just the candle and a couple of small lamps.

She crawls back into my arms as I smile at her.

I take a deep breath afraid to bring up the subject but also eager to clear the air, _"I'm sorry for this morning Liv"_

_"There's nothing to be sorry for Rafael, you were late getting up..."_

_"No Liv, that's not what happened. I was a bit late but it didn't matter...I woke up...with an erection..."_

I'm finding this more difficult than I thought I would, after talking to Fin...she has turned towards me and is looking at me with a "so what?, no big deal!" kind of look.

_"I know it's not exactly unusual...but you were asleep and I started...fantasizing about you..."_

She hasn't said anything but she still doesn't seem to see any problem.

_"I was imagining all the things I want to do with you...and I felt guilty...I freaked out a bit...it felt a bit like my mind and body were betraying all that I had said to you, that I was wrong to be thinking of you like that..."_

She opens her mouth to speak but I quickly silence her, _"I know it's silly, I know my body was reacting to you, to your presence, to your smell, and especially when I wake up I have very little control over it anyway...I know it's biology...and it's not exactly the first time I've fantasized about you...but it felt wrong there, like that, and I freaked out and ran away instead of talking to you...I'm sorry..."_

She nods, her hand reaching up to my cheek, _"It's ok Rafael. It is confusing...we're trying to fight biology a little..."_

**_'(When I last saw you laughing)_ **

**_If this world makes you crazy_ **

**_And you've taken all you can bear_ **

**_You call me up_ **

**_Because you know I'll be there_ **

**_And I'll see your true colors_ **

**_Shining through_ **

**_I see your true colors_ **

**_And that's why I love you'_ **

_"I know, Fin kicked my ass back to sense..."_

I see a little smile flicker across her lips at the mention of Fin. _"You're not mad at me are you? About Fin?"_

I shake my head. _"I guess I was at first, a little, but this proved how right you were..."_

_"It's a lot for you to deal with too, Rafael. Not just the sex stuff, but that's enough on its own...the nightmares, the stuff I tell you...you trying to do and say the right things all the time...As you pointed out, you and Fin know the most about Harris and Lewis, you both know me well and you both care for me...you need to be able to talk to each other,...and I know Amanda is watching out for Fin too...I'd like to think we can talk about everything, and maybe in time we will, but some stuff, we won't want to bring up...we need to be able to have somewhere to figure it out a little first...which reminds me..."_

She gets up rooting into a drawer, " _I'm guessing you know something about this?"_ she says holding up the book that completely escaped my memory.

_"'The Sexual Healing Journey' I ordered it for you the other day, Thursday, I think...I'm sorry I forgot to tell you, it seemed to be what you had asked about...I hope it wasn't too forward...you don't have to read it..."_

She curls back into my arms...kissing me softly. _"Thank you Rafael...It must have arrived yesterday but I didn't check the mail...I've only barely started it...I really appreciate the book, and the thought behind it...it might not all apply to me, but I'm grateful for any help it might give me...this means a lot..."_

We sit in each other's arms, comfortably waiting on our dinner. I still can't quite believe I'm in Olivia Benson's apartment, that she is in my arms, and we're about to have a relaxed candle lit dinner together, and who knows what else the evening may hold...I had it right in the florist shop... "I'm a lucky man".

**_'True colors_ **

**_Shining through_ **

**_I see your true colors_ **

**_And that's why I love you_ **

**_So don't be afraid to let them show_ **

**_Your true colors_ **

**_True colors are beautiful_ **

**_Like a rainbow'_ **


	20. Sing to those

**This made me think of _"Chanter pour ceux(Sing for those)"_ by _Lââm_ , I know that songs don't translate perfectly from one language to another, but I've tried to translate the lines with a view to keeping the sense also...it never flows as easily in translation but I think the images and feelings are clear even though it's not as pristine...**

I feel bad that a fantasy about the woman lying in bed beside him, can make him feel so guilty. He shouldn't have to be having unfulfilled fantasies about someone in the same bed...he should have been able to just reach over to me, to tell me what he wanted to do, to do what he was imagining...

We're both adults...it shouldn't be like this.

But yet I suppose it was nearly inevitable...the fantasy and the guilt...

I've seen this before, caused this...pain...before...I need to do things differently this time, I need to do better...

He spoke to Fin, which can't have been easy, but he did it...and that gave him the courage to speak to me...I feel so much better that he doesn't have to shoulder all of this alone...

Every development that has the power to drive us apart, is just succeeding in bringing us closer together.

This man is incredible...he can make me feel truly feminine, he can bring me flowers, make me feel protected, adored even, but yet never does it feel controlling, never do I feel weakened.

I feel so at ease, as I lie in his arms now.

We have eaten a delicious meal, laughing as we sat on the floor of my living room. As I eyed the huge plate of creamy pasta, I realized how messy it was likely to end up and slid to the floor to make better use of the table. He laughed at the image of me sitting cross legged on the floor under candle light, but moved down beside me... feeding me tastes of what he had chosen...it felt so...comfortable, so...sexy...

I am already excited at the prospect of what the rest of the night may bring...

The feelings that so surprised me, only a few short days ago, don't really ever seem to leave me when I'm in his presence...they just seem to strengthen at some points before dropping back to what has become their normal baseline...I feel like a woman again...

I can't help the thoughts of how his hands would feel, touching the parts of me, I couldn't envisage letting anyone near, only that same few, short, days ago...I feel a stab of guilt, as I wonder does he fantasize about the same things that I do? Does he imagine the same things that my mind keeps conjuring up? I really want to ask him what he was fantasizing about this morning, as I lay beside him, but it feels too personal, too private...and too teasing when I'm not sure if I'm offering to fulfill it...

My own words surprise me... 'I'm not sure if I'm offering to fulfill it'...wow, when did I go from 'I'm not ready', to that possibility?

As I lie here, feeling his arms around me, I can't deny that I really seem to have made that jump. And not just physically...I am spending more and more time considering the prospect of taking him into my bed properly, of taking him into my body...

The fear of my body feeling numb, or worse, feeling pain, as he pushed into me, has been replaced by increasingly detailed fantasies of how good his touch would feel, how pleasurable it would be to feel my body welcome him into me, how his tongue might feel...the now, familiar warmth builds again deep inside of me. I know my body is starting to prepare itself for what it wants, and I'm willing to admit to seriously considering the possibility of allowing things to progress substantially, if not to their inevitable conclusion, as I take his hand in mine, leading him to my bedroom.

He is definitely not unwilling, but I still see a concerned, question in his eyes as I push him to sit on my bed, I slip into the bathroom returning with my favorite perfumed lotion. He smiles as he sees the ornate bottle.

 _"I seem to remember you promising to help me apply lotion to my back..."_ I whisper, lighting some small candles, and returning to the living room for the vanilla scented candle he brought me. I place it on the bedside table before I gently push his legs apart with my knee and step between them. My arms rest comfortably on his shoulders as I pull him to me...

His arms wind around my waist in return, as my head drops down and our lips meet.

He watches me carefully, silently seeking my consent, as his fingers tease the hem of my shirt up slightly, they trace lightly, across my stomach, barely above the waistband of my jeans.

I sigh at the gentle touch, and don't try to hide my desire for more, as he slowly moves his head to the flesh his fingers have just touched. As his lips place a small kiss on the bare skin of my stomach, I can't stop another contented sigh escaping my lips. He allows his hands to slide up my sides and looks to me for permission...

I pull his lips to mine, allowing my silent tongue to make my feelings clear.

When we pull apart, his lips immediately trace the path of his hands up my body. I feel more like the woman I was, as I stand there reveling in his attentions, and his mouth moves ever closer to my chest. I impatiently reach for the hem of my shirt but he gently stops me, giving me a smirk-y scowl.

He returns his mouth to my skin, starting again, nearly at the waistband of my jeans, kissing and licking his way up, he doesn't allow my bra to impede him as he continues his trail up between my breasts, just pushing my shirt gently up before him. As he reaches the top of my cleavage he allows my shirt to fall down to its previous position as he stands, softly, pulling the neck line of the fabric down a little to continue where he left off. His trail continues up my neck and by the time he claims my lips, my whole body is alive...

**_'Je veux chanter pour ceux_ **

**_(I wanna sing for those)_ **

**_Qu'on oublie peu à peu_ **

**_(that forget little by little)_ **

**_Et qui gardent au fond d'eux_ **

**_(and who keep deep inside themselves)_ **

**_Quelque chose qui fait mal_ **

**_(something that hurts them)'_ **

His hands snake under the shirt again, and he silently asks for permission to remove it, by sliding the fabric up my skin before his hands...his eyes searching mine...I gladly raise my arms for him.

I can't help the smile that graces my lips as I consider how two can play at that game, as I begin to return the teasing, but oh so pleasant, favor, by trailing a few kisses down his neck, he pulls away smiling, trying to look innocent...

 _"I wouldn't want you to get lotion all over your shirt either..."_ I tell him and he can only smirk back at me as I push him back down to sit at the edge of my bed...

I slowly unbutton his shirt, tracing a single finger lightly down the center of his chest, down his stomach to the waistband of his jeans as his shirt falls open.

I lean over theatrically, showing him the sexy, patterned fabric of my bra as I push the shirt down his arms. I specifically chose this underwear today because I like how I feel in it, it shows my chest off perfectly and I know it is sexy; with its black lace detail and patterned semi-opaque cups. I can see he approves of my choice, as his eyes seem glued to the cleavage in front of him. Again he looks to me before he allows his hands to softly cup my bra covered breasts, as his mouth places soft kisses on the bare flesh peaking out of the top of the cups. I can feel his fingers stroking my nipples as his tongue traces along the flesh side of the lace detail. As I reach back and unhook the bra, I can see him swallow deeply as I let it fall to the ground. He leans his head towards my chest, again seeking my consent before taking a nipple into his mouth.

He is skillfully playing my body...he seems to be studying what I'm responding to and what draws moans from me. I'm beginning to loose any lingering doubts I may have had about allowing this to continue, all the way...my body is making its feelings clearer and clearer and I feel safe with him, with every movement he is confirming he would never hurt me as he seeks my consent...

This feels...like it used to...uncomplicated...pleasurable...

**_'Qui ne veut plus jamais sourire'_ **

**_(Who doesn't want to ever smile)_ **

He stands up, kissing me passionately, _"I believe I promised you a massage and to rub some lotion onto your back?"_ , he says grabbing the lotion bottle and gesturing for me to lie down. His voice is thick, deep and so sexy...

I lie down on my stomach, my head turned so I can see him kneeling beside me, I pull my hair aside twisting it carelessly, out of his way. He starts rubbing lotion into my back, his fingers stroking, his palms kneading my flesh deliciously. It feels amazing... I can see he is unwilling to sit across my body without me explicitly inviting it, _"Oh my god, that feels amazing Rafael,..."_ I gasp as any tension melts away at his tender touch, _"... it's ok, you can move across me..."_

He rises up on his knees, watching me, as he moves one knee over my legs. He straddles me carefully, I can feel he is trying not to allow his own arousal to rub against me... _"It's ok Rafael...you won't scare me..."_ As he continues to massage my skin, I can feel him pressing slightly against my lower back, I know he has moved a little, to ensure that I don't feel his hardness pressing against anywhere that might be too much, but I find I'm slightly disappointed.

I'm very grateful for the thought, but I miss the anticipated sensation.

After he has deliciously, massaged my back and arms, I start to turn over, and he quickly moves off me. Lying on my back now I take his hand pulling him back over me, squeezing more lotion onto his hands, I gesture for him to continue his massage. He is much more careful of his position, now, as he moves up my body a little and tries to keep his body off mine. He starts to massage my arms, first down from my shoulder to my wrist then back up before moving to the other arm, then he massages up and down my sides moving across my stomach.

As my hands reach for my belt he moves back quickly, trying to still my hands...

_"Liv..."_

I take the hands he is using to still mine and place them on the buckle instead...he doesn't move, looking to me carefully, _"Are you sure Liv?"_

I nod, smiling at him, as he carefully undoes the buckle, pulling it from my pants as I raise my back off the bed for him. He pulls me up to kiss him as I reach down and open the button and zip on my jeans before he can stop me, _"Take them off me, Rafael?"_ I whisper as my teeth lightly nip down his neck.

He looks at me again, as moves down the bed. His fingers dip into the waistband of the jeans slowly pulling them down, as I lift up for him.

We watch each other as he peels the jeans down my legs. As his eyes move, to pull them over my feet, I can clearly see the desire on his face and the bulge in his pants. He again looks to me for permission, before he starts to trace kisses up my leg. He kisses my ankle, his tongue and fingers moving up to my knee, getting half way up my thigh before switching to my other leg.

I sit up, pulling him to me as I kiss him deeply _. "Rafael, I'm in control...I want this..."_ I tell him reaching for his belt.

 _"Liv this feels very fast...maybe we should slow down..."_ he takes my hands in his...

 _"Don't you want me?"_ I ask him slightly confused...

 _"God Liv, it's not that, you can see how much I want you...You're so beautiful..."_ he says as his hand softly rubs my hip. He licks his lips and I can see he wants this as much as me, as his eyes unconsciously scan my body...all that I'm wearing now are a pair of black lace and patterned underwear.

I can hear the distinct shift in his breathing as I pull him down beside me, and take his mouth back to mine. Our hands wandering freely, as we continue to kiss and explore the new found flesh.

As he leans across my body from his position beside me, his lips sucking my nipple back into his mouth while his fingers work the other, I start to wonder if this is the pleasure he can give me like this, what will sex with him be like? I can see from the bulge in his pants that he is not small, but instead of scaring me, I can feel my body react positively. I rub my hand down his chest, down his stomach and down his crotch...my fingers stroke his hardness softly and

I'm sure I can feel him twitch...

 _"Liv...stop..."_ I can barely hear the words he croaks out.

He takes my hands in his, _"No...I want to pleasure you before we ever get **there**..."_

_"You are pleasuring me Rafael..."_

_"No Liv, I want you to show me **how** you like to be touched, I want you to show me **where** you like to be touched, I want to pleasure you with my mouth, my fingers...I want to see you orgasm...before we go **there**..."_ he says gesturing to his own pants.

I try to pull him onto me, kissing him again, allowing my lips and tongue to say what my voice can't but as I pull him over, his balance is lost and he moves his knee between mine and his hand lands on the other side of my body and everything changes...a gasp escapes my mouth but it sounds like the moans he has been drawing from my lips, and he starts to trace his tongue down my neck.

I can only squeeze my eyes closed, as the body on top of me becomes Lewis, the very barest, glancing touch of his hardness against me, becomes Lewis', pressing into me, demanding, threatening. My breathing hitches and the tears start to flow before I can even register what is going on.

I don't know what it is that alerts him, but all of a sudden I can hear his panicked voice _..."Liv...it's ok...Liv..."_

He seems to instinctively know to move off me, as he tries to ground me telling me I'm safe.

**_'Où qu'ils aillent_ **

**_(wherever they go)_ **

**_Ils sont tristes à la fête_ **

**_(they're sad at a party)_ **

**_Où qu'ils aillent_ **

**_(wherever they go)_ **

**_Ils sont seuls dans leur tête_ **

**_(they're alone in their head)'_ **

As his body pulls away, I feel the cold air on my almost naked body and wrap my arms around my shivering chest.

He takes my hand, continuing to talk to me softly, trying to reassure me, but unable to completely hide the panic in his voice.

He quickly leans down onto the floor, picking up his shirt, lightly wrapping it around my shoulders to help me feel less vulnerable, but regardless of his constant soothing words, it's Lewis' arm reaching across me, and I flinch away from him, greedily, grabbing the fabric around me.

He kneels up, moving slowly, carefully, so he is slightly below knee level with my hunched body. He lays his hand open on the bed beside me for when I am able to take it as he continues to remind me I am safe, I'm at home in my apartment, in my bed, no one is going to hurt me...

His words are starting to break through the fear-induced haze, as I slip my arms into the shirt I have clasped around me, and my shaking hands manage to do up a few buttons. The shirt smells of Rafael and I slowly start to calm, reaching for the hand that lies beside me, as my other hand still grasps the shirt to my body. He quickly folds the loose bedclothes over me a little, to cover me better.

He says nothing as I slow my breathing down, shakily clasping onto his hand, only softly reassuring me that I'm ok, I'm safe, every time I look to him.

**_'Qui a volé leur histoire_ **

**_(who stole their story)_ **

**_Qui a volé leur mémoire_ **

**_(who stole their memory)_ **

**_Qui a piétiné leur vie_ **

**_(who trampled all over their life)_ **

**_Comme on marche sur un miroir_ **

**_(as one would walk on a mirror)_ **

**_Celui-là voudra des bombes_ **

**_(that one may wish to blow up)_ **

**_Celui-là comptera les jours_ **

**_(that one may count off the days)_ **

**_En alignant des bâtons_ **

**_(by arranging sticks)_ **

**_Comme des barreaux d'une prison_ **

**_(like the bars of a prison)'_ **

Eventually when I look to him, and he says again, _"It's ok Liv, you're ok...you're safe, nobody is going to hurt you, I'm not going to hurt you..."_ I nod at him tightly, pulling the bedclothes and then the shirt tighter to me.

His eyes never leave me. His hand is holding mine tightly, his thumb stroking between my thumb and finger softly.

I feel exhausted, embarrassed, confused, ...devastated, as I look into the green eyes watching me. I had been doing so well, I had made so much progress, I could nearly feel what his touch, his tongue would feel like where I wanted it most...

Again the tears tumble out, and the hand holding, comforting, attentive, presence is too much.

_"I need some space...please..."_

I can see him struggle, wanting to obey my wishes but also not wanting to leave my side. He moves off the bed carefully, gently sitting into the chair on the other side of the small room.

I shake my head _"Please Rafael..."_

He nods his head tightly, reluctantly forcing himself to the door, _"I'll check on you in 15 minutes?"_

Again I shake my head, _"an hour..."_ not even remotely sure that I will be ready to talk to him then...

I can see him try to swallow his tears as he nods reluctantly, _"I'm just in the living room..."_ pulling the door closed behind...

As the door clicks closed I can't hold the desperate sobs back any longer, knowing he can hear me, but powerless to contain them for even one second more.

**_'Je veux chanter pour ceux_ **

**_(I want to sing to those)_ **

**_Qui sont loin de chez eux_ **

**_(who are far from home)_ **

**_Et qui ont dans leurs yeux_ **

**_(and have in their eyes)_ **

**_Quelque chose qui fait mal_ **

**_(something that hurts them)_ **

**_Qui fait mal_ **

**_(that hurts them)_ **

**_Je veux chanter pour ceux_ **

**_(I want to sing to those)’_ **


	21. Bridge over troubled water

**_"Bridge over troubled water"_ ** **by _Paul Simon,_ sung by _Simon and Garfunkel_...come on do I need to say any more?**

As the door closes I can hear her start to sob bitterly...

I barely make it two steps before I slide down the wall, surrendering myself to the emotions coursing through me, my face drops into my hands as hot tears slip down my cheeks. I cry in a way I haven't cried since...maybe, childhood. Even the solitary, unrestrained, grief at my Abuela's passing wasn't like this.

My emotions are too raw to even begin to sort through...

The only thing I can feel clearly enough to put a name on, is helplessness...I feel helpless... I want to do something, anything, to help her, to comfort her, to take some of her pain away...but there's nothing for me to do, nothing I can do...

I feel more helpless than I have ever felt.

Except I have felt this before,... when I first heard that Lewis had her, that he'd had her for two days already...I felt this helplessness... I wanted more than anything to turn back the clock, to undo my failure, to have defied all logic to somehow hold him in custody, I wanted to do something, anything...and as the minutes, the hours turned into more days, I thought that the pain would kill me, kill us all...there was nothing to do...every lead was cold, all that was left for us were a trail of bodies, and one horrifically abused, but still breathing woman. I'm not sure I could refer to her as being alive, after the details I saw typed up neatly in carefully stated files, she just wasn't dead.

As we started to put the pieces together from Mrs. Mayer's early, semi-conscious, statement to Amanda in the back of the ambulance taking her away from her place of torture, her home, I could see the faces of her squad, of Fin, Amanda, Amaro, Munch and even Cragen, wondering if Liv's survival was even, what we should be hoping for?

We all wanted her back, no matter what, but at some point, the thought flickered briefly across everyone's face, what state would she be in? Would it be better for her, regardless of the suffering it would cause us, if we don't find a breathing, but still gone Olivia? The woman that came back to us wasn't the same, but I thank whatever deity finally answered my prayers that she came back. She is changed but also, somehow no less than she was.

Did I feel this way about her, even back then? Who am I kidding, I've always felt this for her, since the first day we worked together, and I saw some of the woman behind the beautiful face...

The sobs I hear now are my fault...I caused them, no one else...and the guilt is tearing me apart.

**_'When you're weary, feeling small_ **

**_When tears are in your eyes, I'll dry them all'_ **

The helplessness is slowly consuming me.

Reminding me again, of the only other time I have felt it, when she went to **him** , to try and save Amelia Cole...I wasn't there, I didn't have to listen to **him** taunt the squad and torture her. I didn't have to listen to her come face to face with death every time she was forced to make a no-win decision, each time she had to pull the trigger not knowing if it would end her life.

But this time, it's not just that there's nothing I can do, it's my fault...

I know it wasn't me she was flinching away from, in terror; it wasn't my body that terrified her so much that her body tensed, almost to the point of pain.

It wasn't my body that caused her to squeeze her eyes shut and tears to flood down her face, but it was my body that reminded her...

**_'I'm on your side, oh, when times get rough_ **

**_And friends just can't be found_ **

**_Like a bridge over troubled water_ **

**_I will lay me down'_ **

I shouldn't have let things go so far...I knew things were moving too fast...

**Who the hell do you think are you Rafael?**

You didn't let anything happen! She is a full grown adult and she was in control, **you** gave her plenty of opportunities to stop, **you** asked for permission at every possible juncture...

**But I couldn't protect her...from Lewis or from me.**

From me...the tears come even harder at this realization...

**Stop it!**

This isn't helping. This isn't a blame game...

And the only person to blame here is Lewis or Harris for what they did.

I want to protect her...I want to hold her in my arms, I want to fix it...I want to take away this pain... but I can't...

**When did I become so controlling...?**

This isn't about me, she doesn't want me to control things, to fix things, because this can't be controlled or fixed and for all my wisdom, saying I knew things were going to fast, I thought that, at all the other points at which she chose to progress things, and she was right every time and I wasn't...

Am I so desperate to protect her that no matter how much I want her, how much I want to help her heal, that I'm willing to throw it all away just to make sure she's never hurt again? I do see her as a sexy woman, I don't just want to protect her, I want to be with her, I want to show her pleasure, I want to share in that pleasure...but I don't want her to hurt anymore either...

That's not love though, that's control, even if it is in an attempt to protect her, it's controlling, ...I promised to allow her to guide our physical relationship, but by not following her lead, by second guessing her constantly, I'm still trying to control her...I don't want that, I want to love her...I do love her...I love her...

The confusion now swirling inside me is immense...I really do love her...but I don't know what to do to help her...I don't know what to say in... 47 minutes, when the hour is up and I can finally check on her...

I debate calling Fin, but I know he won't know what to do in this situation, any more than I do...he can supportively tell me it's not my fault this happened, and calm me down, but he can't actually guide me...

The only person who could maybe guide me is Amanda...so yeah at 11pm on a Saturday I ring her; _"Hey Amanda, hope I'm not disturbing your evening,... Yeah, this is Rafael Barba,... No, I've never called you before, outside of work,... but I was just wondering, I was nearly having sex with your boss, and she has kindda freaked out because I jumped on top of her shoving my erection at her... I still had my pants on, but she clearly thought I was Harris or Lewis...so what should I say or do?"_

**Yeah...as if?**

I'm sure if I did call her she would try to help, but what if Liv heard me, what would she think? Never mind the embarrassment for me, and the huge doubt that I could even, find the words to explain, how would she feel?

**Get it together Rafael...**

This is not a big deal, you have to make sure she knows it's not a big deal...

Except it is...not for the obvious reasons, I don't care about all of that, but she was starting to feel like...I don't know...I don't know how things changed, I just know that they did...I could see it in her, feel it in her...that confidence, that self awareness that has always been missing in her outside of work, but is such an integral part of her personality, was starting to show through...it was like some of the... fear...was receding. It felt like I was seeing the real Liv,...one not...changed... by circumstance...

God she was hot...she is a sexy woman, always is,...but when I started to see her flirting outrageously, so openly,...it felt like some of the walls were tumbling... and when I saw her feel comfortable in her body, it was like she could see herself as a sexual being, like she wasn't denying that part of her anymore...

**Fuck!**

Could I have done something to avoid this? Maybe,... but not without also stifling her progress and her character...but would that have been better than this?

She looked...devastated...

What good is holding her hand and making her tea now?

**Fuck the stupid books! How about they give me some useful advice?**

**Yeah and how would that go Rafael?**

Well it definitely wouldn't hurt to know what to say, or do, now?

30 minutes...

We tried to plan for this, how woefully inadequate that was...but isn't that the point, you can't plan for this...maybe, all you can do is know what not to do...and maybe that worked...?

Maybe she would have asked me to leave if we hadn't talked about it...? But knowing that maybe, when I get back into her, she might want me to hold her hand...isn't a huge help.

She knew not to ask me to leave the apartment and I knew to give her space when she asked...I knew not to jump up and redress completely and she knew not to run away... It seems ridiculous as we both sit crying on different sides of the same door, but maybe we didn't handle this so badly?

I could almost **feel** her fear...it was so intense it was almost, tangible...it's possible she doesn't know what to do either?...actually it's probable that she doesn't...

She clearly felt comfortable, in control...and she has shown that she is aware of where her limits are...

So was this maybe not overstepping a limit? Was this a memory that found its way unexpectedly, into her head? From what I've read, that can happen, it does happen...it makes sense... maybe the last time she lay on a bed like that with a man...

I run for the sink as my stomach demands to surrender its contents...

Conjured images of the beach house play through my head unsolicited...pictures unwelcomingly painted from her statements...she was tied down on a bed...what was I thinking?

I wasn't thinking...I was too busy enjoying myself...

This is what Fin meant, when he said we would have to discuss sex and intimacy in more depth than I could ever imagine...I thought a few stupid sentences would do it? How stupid was I?

We need to talk about positions...not just for sex...but for any kind of intimacy...how could me lurching over her recumbent form, not be a bad position to be in? What memories has she got, of bodies in a comparable arrangement?

I try not to allow images of similarly, horrific, potential positions to fill my mind.

We need to talk about so much...I told her I want her to show me how she likes to be touched, but how many seemingly innocuous touches are forever tainted for her? Does she even really know what feels pleasurable to her, anymore? Has she truly felt pleasure since...?

How many **words** , bring forward memories of hideous pain and threats? What words are uncomfortable for her? I've tried to be careful with what words I use but I just can't guess...we need to talk.

But how do we talk about it, without me forcing her to relive things she doesn't want to allow into her head? How do I ask her about words, without forcing her to tell me what she doesn't want to?

My head hangs hopelessly over the sink, trying to still my retching stomach, as my tears drip into it with a regular soft tap...

I splash cold water on my face, letting it drip carelessly down my naked torso.

15 minutes...

The clock now gives me purpose, as I dry my face on a couple of napkins. I fill the kettle and set it on the hob to boil. As pointless as it may seem now, I promised to make her tea and hold her hand; that I can do...

**_'When you're down and out_ **

**_When you're on the street_ **

**_When evening falls so hard_ **

**_I will comfort you_ **

**_I'll take your part, oh, when darkness comes_ **

**_And pain is all around_ **

**_Like a bridge over troubled water_ **

**_I will lay me down'_ **

I quickly throw on a t-shirt from my bag, suddenly aware that my bare skin is probably not a wise choice at this moment. I'm aware she is an adult and this may seem silly considering how, not an hour ago, she lay in my arms in only a pair of panties, as I took her nipples into my mouth...

I cannot help but remember how beautiful that sight was...she is gorgeous...and unbelievably sexy...not just her body, her confidence, that voice...and for a moment I can begin to understand how she feels that re-finding her sexuality rebuilds a little more of the person she once was...before...

As a moment of clarity peeks through the haze, I realize she may feel devastated, but she has made so many huge steps forward... I may want to fix everything for her but I can't and she wouldn't want me to, this has to be her victory...I can help where I can, but when she achieves her goal she needs to own it...

We need to talk...there is so much we need to discuss...not just about sex...but it is a part of it...but now may not be the time, I'll have to let her decide that...

I need to find a way to tell her all of this...to explain that as resistant as I was to leaving her alone, maybe it was better to allow ourselves a little time to react, to think...I dread to think what may have come out of my mouth if we had attempted to talk immediately while the emotional maelstrom was at its height for both of us...the panic and guilt and upset would doubtlessly have influenced my tongue negatively...

I'd be lying if I tried to say that I don't feel guilty, because I do...now, it's just a softer, and better-understood guilt... I would be doing her a huge disservice were I to try and protect her from incidents like this, because it would mean that I would also be protecting her from the opportunity to heal, and denying us both the experiences we desire. We need to talk...we need to be honest...we need to be so much more explicit in our plans...but we need to trust each other...this, unfortunately, could happen again...this can't be allowed to stop us, we have to be willing to fail a little to succeed...

I'm the type of person who doesn't function well without a plan of some kind, and now that I feel I have one, I'm aware that all of this might be better dealt with in a few hours or tomorrow. For now maybe she just needs to cry, to grieve for what she has lost, to feel the pain...

**_'Sail on silver girl_ **

**_Sail on by_ **

**_Your time has come to shine_ **

**_All your dreams are on their way_ **

**_See how they shine_ **

**_Oh, if you need a friend_ **

**_I'm sailing right behind_ **

**_Like a bridge over troubled water_ **

**_I will ease your mind'_ **

For now, I'll be happy to just see her, to check she is ok, to give her some tea and hold her hand...

**_'Like a bridge over troubled water_ **

**_I will lay me down'_ **


	22. Chasing cars

**_"Chasing cars"_ ** **by _Snow Patrol_ , felt like it said so much about this for me...**

 

 

I want him to come back in here and wrap his arms around me, for him to hold me and tell me it doesn't matter...that it doesn't change anything...that our all our hard won progress hasn't just been wiped away in a few seconds. But I also want to sit here in my own cocoon, to not have to look at him, to not have to remember what has just happened, to not have to pretend to be ok for him. I want to shout at him, to tell him to leave. I need to find an outlet for the emotions that are slowly pulling at my hope, my optimism that I can ever be whole again, grabbing and grasping at it, trying to grip it well enough to pull it entirely down into the blackness, where it will never be able to find it's way out again.

I want to get all of this out of me...it's suffocating me...

Why did I say an hour? Why not three hours? Where did an hour come from? One lonely hour is nowhere near enough time to process **this**...

One hour isn't even enough time to be able to stop the tears.

He's going to come back in here any minute now, and want to talk...how am I going to reassure him?

How am I going to explain to him that while it was his body, his touch, I was pulling away from, it wasn't his body, or his touch I was seeing or feeling?

How can I explain to him that I can't tell the difference between him touching me pleasurably, and Lewis lying on top of me, threatening me with more pain and death? How is that going to make him feel?

I saw the terror, the agony, the panic, the guilt, all layered across his face as he reluctantly left me...He is never going to want to risk putting himself through that again...and I don't blame him...

 **Shit.** This is why you don't ever mix work with personal...

We're going to have to continue to work together when this is all said and done... At least, the only people who knew about us were Fin and Amanda. They won't say anything, but also won't allow him to treat me badly at work, although he wouldn't behave like that... I wish I could take back the admissions I made so recently, that there was anything between us. I'm so glad that I didn't get any further into a relationship, that we didn't disclose anything to the DA, IAB or 1PP...I don't think I could have survived that level of embarrassment.

I can at least try to maintain what little dignity I have left, and finish things like an adult...

I can hear his approaching footsteps even before the gentle knock on the bedroom door.

 _"Yeah..."_ I have no idea what else to say...

He opens the door gingerly, immediately looking to me, but trying not to be too obvious as he tries to evaluate my current state.

I haven't moved in the time he has been gone, I'm still in just his shirt and my underwear, with the bedclothes pulled tightly up to my chin. Why didn't I think to pull on some yoga pants, a bra and t-shirt? To at least attempt to sell my pretense at being ok...

To distract me from how awfully broken I know I must look, I look more carefully at him; he is still in the same jeans, he has thrown on a t-shirt, but his feet are still bare...maybe he doesn't plan on leaving immediately? Of course not, he's nothing if not a gentleman, he won't leave until he is assured I'm fine. He has clearly been crying, his eyes are red and slightly swollen, there are no tear tracks but he has probably splashed water on his face. His face is pale, and he looks vaguely ill...

He silently makes his way across the room and pulls the chair over beside the bed, gently lowering himself into it as he places a mug of tea on the bedside table for me.

He says nothing as he reaches his hand out to me...almost instinctively I meet his outstretched hand, lightly resting mine into it. He looks into my eyes, as his hand moves slowly down my fingers, spreading them gently and interlacing both sets together, his thumb slowly stroking between my thumb and forefinger.

His other hand reaches up to cup my cheek tenderly, his thumb delicately stroking, wiping away, the tears still falling down the sides of my face.

He tries to speak but nothing comes out, he licks his lips and clears his throat softly, the voice that comes out is fragile, fearful and faint, _"Liv, I'm so sorry...would it be ok if I held you?"_

I want to feel the safety of his embrace but I won't make him stay any longer, by making him think I need him so I just look at him unmoving...

He seems to take my lack of answer, to not be a rejection, and carefully moves onto the edge of the bed, squeezing the fingers interwoven with his, as his second arm tightly pulls me to his chest.

I let my arm hang limply alongside my body, making no attempt to actively participate in the embrace.

 _"I'm fine Rafael, you can go..."_ I say, as evenly, as possible.

I feel rather than hear the relieved sigh that escapes him.

I start to pull away from him, resting my body back against the pillows as I try to pull my hand away, he squeezes tighter, refusing to let it go.

_"Liv, you have to start believing me when I say I'm not going anywhere..."_

His words seem to replenish his confidence somewhat, as he leans back against the pillows alongside my body. He is balanced awkwardly, very much on the edge of the bed, and I recognize he can't be very comfortable and unthinkingly, I move over a little to give him more space. He smiles softly at my small sideways shuffle, as his arm slides over the headboard, loosely resting across my back as his head leans over onto my shoulder. He lifts our interlocked hands to rest above his heart.

 _"I don't know what to say Liv...I know you are upset, I know you probably don't want to talk now?..."_ he has placed a question in his statement to allow me to to contradict him should I want to, but he is right, the last thing I want to do now is to analyze what happened. After leaving a quick beat, he continues _, "I'm not upset, or mad, or any of the other things you are afraid I am. We knew this would probably happen... I'm not going anywhere and I'm here whenever you are ready to talk..."._ He lifts our hands, turning mine up so he can kiss it delicately.

**_'We'll do it all_ **

**_Everything_ **

**_On our own_ **

**_We don't need_ **

**_Anything_ **

**_Or anyone'_ **

For a while we sit there like that, in silence with candles dancing gracefully. They cast ever-changing patterns of light and shadow around the otherwise dark room. The silence is laden with emotion, but is far from uncomfortable.

The small candles start to flicker, and sputter, as they burn out, I can't help but enjoy watching them struggle to stay alight. Their light is as fragile as my hope. The vanilla scented candle is barely begun though, and continues to infuse the room with a delicious aroma.

As the first candle finally loses its battle, and its flame fades into extinction, temporarily leaving a glowing orange wick behind, until it, too, dies, I can't help the mangled Dylan Thomas quote that comes to mind, _"Rage, rage against the dying of the light...Do not go gentle into that good night."._ It's something that always comes to mind as I watch a candle burn out, it's stark, beauty making it one of very few lines of poetry to ever make their home in my head, but today it feels like it was said for me alone. I can't but compare my attempt at a relationship with the man beside me, to the sputtering, dying candles around me...

I try to be brave, using my legs pull my body down the bed until I'm lying, turning my body to him. I softly pull on our intertwined hands, and he slowly slides down beside me, turning his body to face mine. He softly grasps my second hand to him, allowing me to speak when I am ready...

 _"Why didn't you leave?"_ I ask in a whisper...

_"You know how I feel about you Liv, something like this, is never going to change how I feel..."_

The way I have placed us, I can see he is not hiding from me, he means what he is saying. We just look into each other's eyes for a few minutes...

**_'If I lay here_ **

**_If I just lay here_ **

**_Would you lie with me_ **

**_And just forget the world?'_ **

_"How do you feel about...what happened...?”_

I realize belatedly what he thought I was asking and can't help a small smile as I pull a hand free to gently stroke his cheek.

He is clearly relieved to not have to answer the question he thought was coming, but his relief is short-lived as he recognizes the question that is before him.

**_'I don't quite know_ **

**_How to say_ **

**_How I feel_ **

**_Those three words_ **

**_Are said too much_ **

**_They're not enough_ **

**_If I lay here_ **

**_If I just lay here_ **

**_Would you lie with me_ **

**_And just forget the world?'_ **

He takes a deep breath _..."I suppose at first I was shocked, I didn't know what..."_ he looks at me briefly before he casts his eyes down, _"...I didn't know what I had done to scare you...I felt guilty that I didn't notice immediately...I was heartbroken for you...I knew how hurt, how upset you would be...I didn't want to leave you, I could see how scared, how distraught you were and I felt helpless...when I went outside, so many emotions just hit me so hard, at once, I only got a couple of steps before I slid down the wall, crying like a baby. It's really hard to see you so distressed and not be able to do anything._

_I remembered that I have only ever felt so powerless, twice before, when **he** had you... I know what happened has nothing to do with me, you weren't afraid of me, but I still feel guilty...I know I shouldn't but I guess feelings aren't always logical... I spent the last hour thinking...maybe it was a good idea to give us both some space, I'm wary of what my first reactions would have been, without time for the rawness to dissipate...what I've realized is that you have made so much progress...you have come so incredibly far...but we need to talk so much more...about sex, about positions you are and aren't comfortable with...not just for sex, for any type of intimacy even hugs...we need to talk about words, I can only imagine some words have negative memories now?"_

I nod slightly.

_"We need to talk about sexual likes and dislikes, the more we talk, the more we can do to minimize the chance of things like this happening, and the easier it will be to deal with them, for both of us Liv. You know it will happen again?! In some form or other it will happen...but we can do much more to plan and prepare for it. **This** does nothing to change **us**...it doesn't change how far you have come..."_

I can see he is very hesitant to say whatever he is now thinking... I take our linked hands and raise them one at a time to my lips kissing them carefully before leaning over and kissing his lips deeply...

**_'Forget what we're told_ **

**_Before we get too old_ **

**_Show me a garden_ **

**_That's bursting into life_ **

**_Let's waste time_ **

**_Chasing cars_ **

**_Around our heads_ **

**_I need your grace_ **

**_To remind me_ **

**_To find my own'_ **

_"Liv you don't realize how amazing you are, how far you have progressed in such a short time. You are a beautiful woman, you always have been, but in the last couple of days I've seen a confident, sexy,...seductress...peaking out..."_ He takes a deep breath before the word seductress, and his voice deepens slightly as he says it. I can immediately see lust in his eyes.

 _"You're worried you've lost your sexual side, that this stumble has knocked you back to the start again, but you're wrong...she is in there..."_ He guides our hands to me, resting them against my heart.

 _"I've seen glimpses of her, she is sublime...she looks just like this..."_ he takes my face in his hands softly kissing me, _"...but the things she says and does...god what she does to me..."_ he lowers his voice in volume and pitch. And his eyes are burning with lust and something much softer...

_"I understand you are upset, I can only imagine what you were seeing,... I hate that those memories are there at all, but you consistently amaze me,...not only have you still got a sexual side, but she is no where near as buried as you think she is, ...I'm so grateful that you trust me enough to show me that side of you, in fact I'm a little worried that when you have full rein on her again, I may not be able to keep up, you may want to trade me in for a better model..."_

I laugh at him, rolling my eyes, pretending to consider his suggestion...before I shake my head.

_"We need to talk a lot more...and maybe slow down a little...pretend to be teenagers a LOT more...I'm really liking that...I hate to admit it but everything that has happened, over the last couple of years, has left me a little shaken too...I want to protect you, I know you don't need me to protect you, but I'm finding it hard sometimes to stop myself when I think of..."_

_"I understand that Rafael, I didn't really until Patton, and Nadia's death, but I do now. It's hard to forget what someone has been through...but you need to trust me, as you have been doing, I knew it was hard for you, I could see your concern when I would progress things...you may be right, this may happen again...I want to cry at the thought of it, but it may...and it shakes what little confidence I have, so if you doubt me too?..."_

His head bobs up and down a few times...

_"It's not that I don't trust you, I'm afraid...but you are right. I'm just so afraid that I'll scare you...I don't want to lose you Liv..."_

_"You didn't scare me Rafael, earlier, when we were...I pulled you onto me, I pulled you off balance and something about the way your knee landed between mine, and your hands on either side of my body...it reminded me of Lewis..."_

_"I figured it was something like that...but it took me the best part of the hour...it was stupid really, because I knew you were restrained to a bed, I should have thought..."_

I take his face in my hands...looking deeply into his eyes...

**_'Forget what we're told_ **

**_Before we get too old_ **

**_Show me a garden_ **

**_That's bursting into life_ **

**_All that I am_ **

**_All that I ever was_ **

**_Is here in your perfect eyes_ **

**_They're all I can see_ **

**_I don't know where_ **

**_Confused about how as well_ **

**_Just know that these things_ **

**_Will never change for us at all_ **

**_If I lay here_ **

**_If I just lay here_ **

**_Would you lie with me_ **

**_And just forget the world?'_ **

_"I didn't think of it Rafael, so how could you?"_

He nods, _"I know now, to be cautious of that position though, because it has so much potential to bring up memories...and it's not a favorite of mine anyway..."_

I wrap my arms around his neck, _"There is no way you can think you'd be able to say that, and not tell me what is..."_

He loops his upper arm around my waist, _"This is a bit of a new one for me, but I'm finding I like it..."_ he says kissing my nose.

I smile, indulgently at him.

 _"You're right though, we need to talk more...I definitely need to know what positions you do like!"_ I announce as he rolls his eyes at me and we spend a few more minutes in comfortable silence.

 _"You can't sleep in jeans, and I can't sleep like this..."_ I gesture to his shirt that I'm still wearing.

 _"I quite like the idea of you sleeping in my shirt...you look seriously hot in it..."_ he mutters, smirking gently at me.

_"Hmmmm maybe, but I definitely need pants..."_

_"God, Olivia Benson in just my shirt and underwear...when did I get so lucky?"_ he mumbles, heading for the living room to get pajama pants, giving me the chance to slip out of bed and slip on pajama pants of my own.

When he walks back into the room he picks up the clothes still thrown on the floor, folding them onto the chair. He checks all the candles to make sure they've gone out, leaving only the vanilla one on the bedside table to light our way. He quickly pulls me to him, wrapping his arms around me, kissing me deeply.

_"I can sleep on the couch..."_

_"I want you to sleep here, with me,...and maybe tomorrow we can talk?"_

He nods his head happily, _"I sleep better beside you, and tomorrow we talk...no embarrassment, no taboos, complete honesty..."_

And somehow the words that should terrify me, don't... and I can only make the same promise, _"No embarrassment, no taboos, complete honesty...Rafael."_

**_'If I lay here_ **

**_If I just lay here_ **

**_Would you lie with me_ **

**_And just forget the world?'_ **


	23. If I should fall behind

**A/N This song is beyond beautiful, not to be a music snob but it was massacred horribly on the Live in Dublin Album, the only version worth listening to is off the 2001 Live in New York City album, if you haven't heard it, it's definitely worth a listen _..."If I should fall behind"_ by _Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band_. No other song could ever hope to say what this one does...**

Surprisingly after the emotional upheaval of the evening's events, I slept really well and awoke beside an equally well-rested Rafael.

As we lay happily in bed, wrapped in each other's warm embrace, with the sun beaming in on top of us, the pain of the previous day's failure could nearly be forgotten...until the lotion bottle caught my eye. The memories tried to tug me back into the tumultuous blackness that almost enveloped me last night, until a gentle hand turned my head to a set of sparkling green eyes. Neither of us spoke a word, completely content to just lie there together.

**_'We said we'd walk together baby come what may'_ **

As a little voice called out for attention, we started the new day, both smiling and uninhibited by what has come before.

We were both loath to be the one to start the conversation we, so readily, agreed to last night so we played with a giggling Noah as we worked together to cook breakfast and make coffee, luxuriating in the unhurried routine that is only possible on a Sunday, when it seems that the whole of New York has a tacit agreement to slow down from every other day's breakneck speed.

_"Have you to work today, Rafael?"_

He shook his head smiling widely. My equally beaming face seemed to be response enough for him as he asked Noah what we should do today?

Noah was far too busy with his dinosaur and breakfast, to care about anything as distant as later, so Rafael feigned a frown and readdressed the question to me.

After a few Google searches, and carefully researched promises that the final days of summer would be sunny, we decided on a trip to zoo. An excited Noah started digging animals out of his toy box, squealing as Rafael made corresponding noises.

As I gathered toddler friendly snacks into the bag that only seems to get larger with every day, Rafael suggested a picnic for all of us. He made a quick, quiet call and declared it to be sorted. A momentary stop on the drive to the zoo and we found ourselves entering the zoo with a pretty picnic basket resting under Noah's stroller.

An excited Noah gaped open mouthed at each new enclosure, his little face pressed up as close as possible. After a moment of studying, he quickly discounted lions lazily, sunning themselves on rocks, as unentertaining. Giraffes and zebras fared little better, after the initial amazement, when they failed to put on enough of a show to maintain the attention of the over stimulated, little boy. In direct contrast to his quickly wandering attention with so many animals, he had to be carefully coaxed away from a large group of monkeys who, like their dedicated observer, didn't seem to sit still at all. They climbed, and returned the studious stares directed at them, swinging between knotted ropes and chattering loudly. Raucously laughing as they dexterously picked their way through bananas, Noah was enthralled. Only with a lot of gentle persuasion did we manage to move our own little monkey to the picnic area, where he swung around a playground that bore a striking resemblance to the monkey enclosure we had only left behind.

As Rafael pulled the picnic basket from under the stroller, he started to set out a delicious array of food from the seemingly, bottomless, basket. As always, Noah was much more interested in the food that had not been chosen with him in mind, and the picture of a relaxed Rafael gladly sharing his food with Noah, who was clambering into his lap, made me smile until I felt like a grinning idiot.

For a time, there was no Lewis, no Harris, no pain, and no devastation...

Rafael's lack of experience with small children was quickly disappearing as he started to allow himself to relax around Noah. He no longer looked to me at nearly every move, for guidance, he was happy to take cues from the toddler as he began to recognize them, and Noah was very happy to have a new playmate.

The sun shone down on us as we shared a picnic, with a very happy toddler, who bounced between us to taste whatever caught his eye. We munched happily on chorizo, jamon, green olives, artichoke hearts, stuffed pimentos and crusty baguette, but both Noah and I passed on the silvery fish that Rafael loved. There were cheeses, dips, chips, an iced gazpacho, salads and beautiful fruits for dessert which were augmented by churros bought from a nearby vendor, which Noah couldn't get enough of, even as the chocolate dripped all down his front.

As always, with an exuberant toddler, there was no time to waste when we were done eating, he made it clear he had more animals to see, as we laughingly packed up and headed off to the penguin enclosure where he sat rapt, with his little face pressed up against the glass, watching them waddle uncoordinatedly on land, before plopping into the water, where they could glide so gracefully.

Lizards fascinated him when we got to the reptile house but he hid behind Rafael when snakes started to slither across the ground in their enclosure...

Elephants seemed to do very little to hold his attention as we moved on, until a huge bull started to trumpet loudly and Noah burst into frightened tears, frantically reaching for me. I calmed him gently but the tears seemed to make him less confident to explore any further and a quick check of the time, reminded me that he was rapidly tiring, as his bedtime approached. I couldn't believe how the entire day had passed by so quickly... I didn't want it to end.

Reluctantly I suggested we take the fussy toddler home, and Rafael agreed, but not before he softly cupped my face, telling me how much he had enjoyed the day. With a quick look towards Noah, he gently kissed me, before scooping him up; he was clearly tired from the day's excitements but steadfastly refusing to ride in his stroller.

As we drove home it was a challenge to keep the increasingly, grumpy, little boy awake, as he tightly clasped the new monkey that Rafael had bought him in the gift shop.

I carried the drowsy boy straight to bed as Rafael emptied the car. It never ceases to amaze me how much such a tiny little person seems to need to travel with, as his car seat, stroller, bag, toys and other bits were all deposited back into the living room.

When I had Noah settled, I found Rafael boiling water for tea for me and making coffee for himself, I slipped my arms around his waist and he leaned back into me.

_"Today was...perfect. Thank you Rafael"_

He turned to me without breaking my loose embrace.

_"I really enjoyed it Liv...thank **you**..."_

He pressed his lips to mine and wrapped his arms around me.

_"How do you feel Liv?"_

For a moment I don't know how to answer his question, afraid to ruin the day by changing it's mood but I know that we need to talk and that to have more days like this we need to take the risk...

_"I can almost pretend that last night never happened...but it did."_

He seems to understand that I am willing to talk and hands me my tea, grabbing his coffee as he takes me by the hand, leading me to the couch where he pulls me gently to him.

_"You know I'm not upset or hurt by what happened Liv? I hate that I caused that much upset, even though I know it wasn't me..."_

_"It wasn't you Rafael...I don't know what changed...just all of a sudden, it wasn't you anymore..."_

_"It was when I was...on top of you? Leaning over you?"_

**_'That come the twilight should we lose our way_ **

**_If as we're walking a hand should slip free_ **

**_I'll wait for you_ **

**_And should I fall behind_ **

**_Wait for me'_ **

I can't find any words. I just nod, my eyes dropping in embarrassment.

 _"It's ok Liv."_ He softly kisses my forehead. _"You don't have to tell me anything you don't want to. We don't have to talk about it. I just need to know that this position could be particularly triggering..."_

Again I can only nod.

 _"You don't like to feel trapped?"_ He asks softly.

Another gentle dip of my head is his only answer.

_"What other positions do you think might be triggering?"_

I try to search my mind for an answer, but I can't access the memories without it all flooding back uncontrollably. I can feel Lewis pushing me into the bed in the beach house as I struggle to escape him and the knowledge of his intentions, as I feel **him** press against me. I can feel the table bruising my hips as his hips force his erection against my body. I can feel Harris pushing me up against the wall of the basement... I can't stop the tears that burst forward.

_"It's ok Liv...I don't know how to ask these questions...I don't want to upset you...but we need to try to figure out what might be more triggering?"_

_"I know Rafael. It's just that when I think about it, it starts to feel like every position could be...I feel so broken..."_

**_'We swore we'd travel darlin' side by side_ **

**_We'd help each other stay in stride_ **

**_But each lover's steps fall so differently_ **

**_But I'll wait for you_ **

**_And if I should fall behind_ **

**_Wait for me'_ **

His hand starts to softly stroke my cheek wiping away the tears.

_"Liv, you're not broken. You're so strong...please don't feel broken."_

His reassurances allow me to see past the despair, a little, _"When we were lying side by side..."_

He smiles, nodding, understanding that it is easier to pick out positions that I don't think will trigger me, rather than tell him what will.

_"What other positions do you think would be good?"_

_"I think I need to be able to see you..."_ I whisper.

He nods thoughtfully, as if making a mental checklist.

I can see him hesitate as he starts to speak again _, "I thought about it a little, last night,..."_ He falters, _"Liv, I don't know how to ask, I think I should explain where the thought came from but I don't know how to say it, or should I say it?"_

I think I understand what he is asking, _"You thought of a detail from **him**...and you don't know whether to bring it up?"_

He nods guiltily.

_"We have to be able to talk Rafael..."_

**_'Now everyone dreams of a love lasting and true_ **

**_But you and I know what this world can do_ **

**_So let's make our steps clear that the other may see_ **

**_And I'll wait for you_ **

**_If I should fall behind_ **

**_Wait for me'_ **

He nods and gulps in a big breath, _"Ok. I know in the beach house, you were restrained to a bed, and you said in Sealview, there was a mattress...is a bed maybe not the best place to...?"_

Again his thoughtfulness floors me. He remembers how I had told him that sometimes I don't want to say their names; he remembers the little details...

I shrug my shoulders slightly.

 _"Liv, when you..."_ He stops suddenly, _"Something has been bothering me a little bit..."_

_"It's ok Rafael, whatever it is..."_

He nods " _When we read through the '12 things...', you didn't really seem comfortable...it's not a criticism, or judgment...but...can you...I mean do you..."_ he takes another deep breath, _"Liv, are you really comfortable with your body? Can you pleasure yourself?"_

Somehow the question surprises me. I know it shouldn't, but somehow it does. He seems to interpret my silence as embarrassment or reluctance to answer...

_"I'm sorry Liv, I know that it's a horribly personal question...and you are completely entitled to not answer me, but it worries me a little..."_

_"It's not that Rafael... The subject doesn't embarrass me...I don't think I know how to answer you...or maybe my answer embarrasses me... For a long time my body felt...separate...like it wasn't mine... but as time progressed from that first complete disconnect from my body,...it goes from those feelings just being completely gone, to not being able to ignore your body anymore...I reckon that's when it gets hard...it's easier when you don't feel the conflict between your body and soul, when there is no confusion, you're only dealing with the guilt and 'easier' effects of what happened...but then it becomes more of a battle. None of the effects are easy but somehow jumping when someone touches you, or being afraid of everything, or even not sleeping, seem easier to remedy, at least they don't last as long... It's hard to separate what was done **TO** you from everything else...your body is making demands, but guilt, and that filthy feeling that just doesn't make sense, but won't leave, makes it impossible to touch yourself without feeling sick...so you deny your body and your sexuality...because they make you feel even more guilty...but of course they don't go away...and you have to do something...and then you feel almost complicit in what happened...because you need to do something to relieve these feelings...so you attempt to find a way to banish those feelings, it's not really about pleasure, it's just about stopping those feelings...and you feel even more like your sexuality is what caused **IT** all to happen...so you hide all of your femininity, because that's what left you open to **him** in the first place...everything female and feminine about you feels weak...pleasure is the last thing on your mind, it's just about getting rid of those feelings..._

_As time passes, the disgust, at your own body dims,... it's pretty hard to maintain, surprisingly...there's only so long you can hide from your own naked flesh, there's only so long you can avoid every touch, like using sponges and loofahs to clean your skin, you have no real choice but to grudgingly accept you're stuck with the lump of flesh attached to your head..._

_You eventually get to the point where you accidentally, find that the touch that was getting rid of the feelings that made you feel sick, actually feels ...nice...it still feels guilty, but it's nice...and then if you can believe it, it gets harder, because now you know there is the possibility of pleasure, and as well as the guilt and shame and dirty, complicit feelings, you now get to add, being angry at yourself...because you denied yourself that pleasure for all this time... it hits a point that you have done all you can do alone...you have become familiar enough to guide a partner in what you enjoy...you know what feels good and what doesn't at your own hand but you want to regain some more of who you once were...but it feels like you can't get full control back until you have the control of allowing someone to participate in your pleasure..."_

I know I have given him a hell of a lot to think about and I can see him nodding gently at me, to confirm he has heard me as he wades his way through my confession.

**_'Should we lose each other in the shadow of the evening trees_ **

**_I'll wait for you_ **

**_And should I fall behind_ **

**_Wait for me'_ **

_"So it's not something you really enjoy?"_

_"I do feel pleasure, but also guilt..."_

_"You know it's your body, you shouldn't feel guilty...you are doing nothing wrong...you did nothing wrong, you did nothing to invite what happened..."_

_"I know...I really do know that Rafael..."_ I know that I bear no responsibility for what happened and that I should not feel guilty for allowing myself to feel pleasure...but I still feel those feelings...

_"So when you do try to pleasure yourself, do you do it in bed?"_

I shake my head.

 _"Never?"_ he asks softly.

Again I shake my head.

_"So where?"_

_"In the bath..."_ I whisper.

 _"Why the bath and not bed?"_ he softly questions, never letting his eyes leave mine.

_"I don't really know...I suppose the bath feels like a safe place?"_

_"So would the bath maybe be a safer place for us to explore each other in?"_

His question seems so obvious, but I had never thought of it... _"That could be a really good idea Rafael..."_ but there was a slight hesitation as I considered it would also start with us both being naked.

He seems to know what I am thinking, _"We could wear bathing suits...it's a bit like underwear...and swim-shorts...even t-shirts...it makes sense that after what happened a bed may not be the best place..."_

All of a sudden, what should have been an agonizing conversation, where I felt ridiculous, has instead become a huge relief. His assurances and solutions seem completely reasonable, and rather than being a problem, we seem to have a better plan now.

_"And Liv, I really think it would be good to try and enjoy your body yourself too...I can see what you mean about it feeling guilty...but it isn't...you shouldn't feel any guilt or shame...try to let it go?"_

He wraps me in his arms, kissing me tenderly, allowing me to deepen our kiss as my tongue searches out his. As his hands gently stroke my sides, I understand that he wants me to feel completely in control.

 _"I want you to show me everything you enjoy Liv, I want to be able to pleasure you...you need to know yourself to show me..."_ he says as he stills his hands and pulls me to him, breaking our kiss. But instead of feeling rejected I feel encouraged, I feel empowered, I feel like I've been given motivation to free myself from the guilt I've almost, unknowingly, been carrying...

 _"I'm going to run you a bath Liv"_ he whispers softly into my ear.

 _"I don't want to leave you sitting here Rafael..."_ I start to tell him

 _"I'm going to keep reading Liv"_ he says gesturing to the book he bought me, _"I'm not going anywhere...I'm only out here..."_

He kisses my forehead as he stands up and starts towards the bathroom.

A few minutes later he returns and takes me by the hand. He has lit some small candles around the room, the vanilla candle he bought me is flickering away lightly infusing its scent and the tub is full of scented bath oil.

He kisses me deeply, again allowing his hands to softly stroke my sides.

_"You are so sexy, don't feel guilty about that..."_

**_'Darlin' I'll wait for you_ **

**_Should I fall behind_ **

**_Wait for me'_ **


	24. My music is your voice

**It's not where the chapter was meant to go but it's where it wrote itself to _..."Mi musica es tu voz"(My music is your voice)_ by _David Bisbal._**

****

****

He kisses me deeply, again allowing his hands to softly stroke my sides. _"You are so sexy, don't feel guilty about that..."_

It's strange, as an adult, to feel the need for permission to do something, but as Rafael closes the bathroom door, I feel the oddest sensation of being given permission to really find myself. The emotions running through me, as the door clicks closed, are a strange mix of freedom and pain. It feels like I have been handed the keys to my own body, as I stand fully dressed in front of the mirror I usually carefully obscure or avoid, and I'm not sure I know how to use them. I'm scared I haven't got the courage to do what I need to.

I can feel the ghosts close in on me, as I hurriedly pull my shirt over my head and drop it to the floor, slowly pulling my eyes up to the reflection staring back at me.

As my eyes take in the scars, I can hear Lewis' voice, telling me how he owns **this** , how no one would ever want me now...

I fight the urge to cover up, or avert my eyes, instead pushing myself to continue.

My shaking hands go to the button and zipper on my pants, as I struggle not to equate the familiar sound with the fear it so easily brings back, not allowing myself to be pulled back to times where the sound heralded another assault, unwaveringly pushing the pants down my legs and stepping out of the pooled fabric before forcing my eyes back to the mirror.

Again, it is the scars that I see, littering so much of my skin.

Strangely, it isn't the pain of receiving the scars that fills my mind, it is the words that accompanied the pain, the innocuous, touches that confirmed his ownership of my skin, that fill my mind to the point of exploding.

With tears rolling, unhindered, down my cheeks, I pull off the bra and underwear before I can stop myself.

I stand naked before the mirror, unable to raise my eyes from the floor, from the clothing pooled before me.

And when my eyes reluctantly meet my reflection, all that fills my consciousness is _"Why would anyone want that?",_ and the tears speed up, on their journey down my face.

Something deep inside me keeps trying to remind me that Rafael had seen most of me, and he **does** want me. He has seen the scars and it didn't seem to dull the lust I have seen in his eyes.

He is right, how could I hope to show him what I enjoy, when I am only barely aware of what that is, in the most vague context...

It seems wrong to admit that maybe I can only do this, because of him. It feels like a weakness, that I can't bring myself to do this for me, that I am doing this at his urging. Is this so wrong though? I needed help, I hate that I did, but I needed someone to help me...is needing help, and taking it really that wrong? Does it somehow dilute my progress that it doesn't all come exclusively from somewhere deep inside me?

As I look at the shape that stares back at me, I can't help but admit that if it weren't my body I would call it curvaceous, womanly...

But it is my body and I don't see it as it is.

I struggle not to see **his** hands crawling across my flesh, forever tainting it by just touching it.

Even when I allow myself the pleasure necessary to satisfy my body's demands, I concentrate only on what will bring that pleasure quickly, not allowing any unnecessary touching. But now as I stand naked in a mirror, I want my body to feel alive like it did at Rafael's touches, and I can't help but recognize that my body felt alive, buzzing with pleasure without him ever touching the part of me that I solely concentrate on...

He is right; I have been holding myself back. I have definitely made progress from the days when my skin felt like it burned from my own touch while simply trying to cleanse it, but I still have a long way to go.

I battle with the familiar feelings of shame, of guilt, of being dirty, as my hand gently strokes down the skin of my chest. As my right hand softly cups my left breast, and my thumb grazes the nipple softly, my mind catapults me back to Lewis, his fingers twisting the nipple cruelly while I beg for him to stop as the burned skin of my breast twists painfully with the movement.

For a moment I still, my eyes clasped tightly shut as I attempt to banish the unwanted memory. When I reopen them, my eyes swim with new tears finding their way down my face again.

It didn't feel like this when it was Rafael's hand, Rafael's tongue, why does my own hand remind me so much of pain?

I take a few deep breaths as I allow my thumb to rub my nipple softly. This action bears no similarity to Lewis' actions and after the initial flood of memories, I find a comforting silence in my mind.

The screaming voices of Lewis, of Harris, of me, have relented.

When I look directly down at my flesh I see that the nipple has hardened under my touch. I feel a sense of achievement, I am creating a sense of desire in my body, I am not grudgingly responding to my body's demands, I am in control...

I allow my hand to turn its attention to my other breast, gently stroking the skin the way Rafael had. I find my other hand starts to stroke all the long ignored flesh of my torso and I feel my body start to react. I find that alternating the pressure of my fingers on my skin feels good, from feather light touches to gently massaging the flesh.

My two nipples soon, stand erect on my chest, and I feel the familiar pull downward as my hand starts to descend.

I can't look at my reflection, as my fingers lightly graze the sensitive bundle of nerves between my legs.

I feel the pull of memory yet again, and quickly still my hands, closing my eyes to the images dancing in my mind until they once again pass.

As my eyes slowly reopen, I am confronted with the image of a naked woman in the mirror, she is standing with erect nipples and her legs slightly parted, her hand is clearly heading between her thighs and I am surprised to find I am not disgusted by her.

As I look at her unmoving image, I can admit that she looks like a sexual being...she looks aroused...she doesn't look dirty...

As I carefully watch this woman in the mirror, I allow my hands to wander the skin that is on display, and begin to feel some of the arousal I can see in the flushed skin of her chest and face.

As my fingers gently tease between my legs, I begin to feel like the woman staring back at me is no longer so separate, as I recognize her reactions as my own. My fingers no longer concentrate on the nerves clustered together between my legs, but gently roam my skin searching out anywhere that gives me pleasure and I no longer look to the reflected image, I look to the flesh that is transmitting the pleasant sensations through me.

I start to avoid the tiny piece of skin I usually rely on to provide my pleasure, as I allow my hands to wander, enjoying the image as I see my hands providing the pleasure I had felt reliant on Rafael to provide me with.

I slowly step into the bath as I recognize the need to make myself more comfortable.

As I sink into the warm water I can feel my body gratefully accept the new sensation, not in the way I have become accustomed to, of sore muscles relaxing in the water's heat but of the tickle of the warm water advancing up my skin as I sink into it, of the contrast of the warm water and cooler air on my nipples as the water surges momentarily up, as I lower myself into it.

I'm beginning to feel the same life in my previously dead flesh, that I felt when Rafael hands made my skin tingle.

Again I choose to ignore between my legs, as I lay back and enjoy my relaxed body, as the sensations seem to be even further heightened by the warm bath.

As my hands move, I start to imagine how Rafael's tongue had felt when it had touched the same skin. I try to remember the areas that had felt best under his ministrations, and turn my attentions to them, until my arousal can no longer be denied and I allow my hands to dip into the water to the area of my body that feels the most foreign, even now.

Again I try to find new pleasure zones as I allow my hands the freedom to wander.

The wetness that I so feared when I was with Lewis, now makes me feel a sense of accomplishment as my fingers gently trace the curves and dips of my body.

The fear starts to return as my fingers explore but I find I can control it by distracting my body with pleasurable zones far removed from between my thighs, and I realize that this is part of the reason Rafael had been so insistent at me doing this, I know now, what he can do when we are intimate and the memories threaten to overwhelm me...

I find I am enjoying exploring my body, not just to placate its demands but I'm enjoying the experience. I'm enjoying finding out how to really pleasure myself. As my body continues to react to my actions, and memories of the pleasure Rafael showed me was possible, I start to really consider having sex with him. Not as an abstract, I start to really imagine how it would feel to have his body push into mine, would it feel painful? Would it be too much of a reminder of what I feared so desperately with Lewis?

I can imagine the pleasure it could bring, remembering back to a time when such actions brought pleasure and I unconsciously start to allow my finger to gently probe.

I'm pleasantly surprised to find that my body has prepared for this intrusion and as my finger slips gently inside me, there is no pain...no, not only is there no pain, it feels good.

I look down in surprise to see that what I can feel is, in fact, happening, and it feels good.

I watch carefully as I gently move my finger and the movement causes my thumb to brush against the bundle of nerves I had so consciously been avoiding, I gasp at the pleasure that rushes through my body. This time as my finger moves, I allow my thumb to stroke the nerve cluster and my other hand rubs over my nipple.

This doesn't feel like all the times I have chased away the demands of my body since Lewis. This feels more like I used to, the pleasure feels much deeper, like my whole body is gently buzzing...It makes sense, my whole body has been stimulated now, not just one tiny area...but I feel good...

I vary my finger's actions, moving it slowly, then faster, changing the angle until the pressure starts to build and all interest in exploring my body is replaced by the feelings of pleasure.

As I take all I have learned over however long I have been in here, I do what feels good and when the pressure is too much, the pleasure sends me over the edge. My whole body seems to tense as a wave of pleasure bursts across my body, and immediately I feel an intense relief, like this is what my body has been waiting for all this time...

My nipples and the area between my legs has become too sensitive to even consider touching, as I carefully remove my hands.

I lie back in the bath, breathing hard, and almost unable to move.

**God that felt good.**

And just like that the tears flow again, I'm really not broken...For the first time since Lewis, I really believe I could have a sex life again...No, I feel like I could really enjoy sex again...

I am definitely attracted to Rafael. I know I can really feel pleasure...after all this time I thought something had changed in me, that I just wasn't capable of feeling like that anymore...after all the times I had cautiously stimulated my most sensitive area, I had never felt like that, I had no reason to think it was possible anymore...but it is.

I can feel real pleasure, still. I can give myself that pleasure...there is no need to rush things with Rafael to try to regain some sense of how I used to feel...

Is that maybe why I was so quick to try and progress things last night?

I have no doubt of my attraction to him and I have seen evidence of his attraction to me, did I rush from one progression to another to try to get him to show me the pleasure he hinted at...?

I want nothing more than to go straight outside to him and find pleasure again with him, I want to go out and seduce him immediately, I feel on top of the world, but he is right, we need to do so much more talking to try to minimize the possibilities of last night's upset... I feel like I am much better equipped to deal with it should it happen again, now that I know I can feel the pleasure I so desperately worried was impossible, but last night's fear is enough to temper my exuberance.

I cannot help but imagine how it would feel when his body is causing my pleasure, as I pour a large quantity of soap into my hands and actually enjoy the experience of washing my body.

As my hands rub the soap into my skin, I allow myself to imagine him doing this for me as I teach him to touch me...

Do I want him fully dressed in swim shorts and a shirt when I take him into the bath? I was very happy with him in bed in only his pants last night until bad memories intervened, I enjoyed the feeling of his skin on mine and I didn't feel self conscious in only panties so maybe a bikini for me, and trunks for him, would be best. The idea of us both being naked makes me a little uneasy, so yes, a bikini and trunks...and I like the idea of him taking my bikini top off me...being stripped by him was sexy...

Somehow being in the bath, is less pressure...maybe it's because of its dual purpose, or maybe its because of the negative connotations I have of beds, but this could really work...

When I look down at my body now, I don't feel the same disgust anymore as I revel in the residual feelings of pleasure that still course through me. The scars and flesh don't feel the same as they did only a short while ago...

As I step out of the cool water and dry off I'm very aware of every touch on my body. I pull my damp hair back into a ponytail as I step into the living room.

_"How long was I in there?"_

He smiles widely at me, _"Almost two hours..."_

 _"Well that explains why my fingers are all wrinkled."_ I counter smiling equally broadly. _"You were so right Rafael...It's like I needed permission to let go...I had been holding back...I didn't even realize it really._

_I pushed too hard with us because it was only with you, I felt that there was any chance to feel pleasure like I used to..._

_I wasn't ready._

_I think that you were right, the bath would be a better place for us to explore in..._

_I'm not quite comfortable yet, with us getting into the tub naked, so if you don't mind, maybe we could wear a bikini for me and trunks for you?"_

He smiles again nodding, _"You...in a bikini...hell yeah!"_

_"I don't really need the top of it, I'd quite comfortable in just the bottoms, but I quite enjoy the idea of you stripping it off me..."_

He rolls his eyes, _"Liv, you're going to be the death of me saying things like that..."_

_"But what a way to die Rafael?"_

He chuckles nodding.

_"Have you thought about what you are comfortable with Liv?"_

_"I don't really know, I'm still not completely at ease with my body I suppose, it still feels like it's not really mine...I know it sounds odd...I don't think I can really know what is ok until I feel it? Is that too hard for you?"_

_"No Liv. Not at all...Are you comfortable to say stop or do you want to have a non verbal way of stopping me?"_

I look at him, slightly surprised as he holds up The Sexual Healing Journey.

 _"It could be anything Liv,..."_ as I consider his offer he continues _"there's a suggestion here of an exercise based on the traffic light concept, you say green light when I can start touching and red light to stop...it could be good to establish boundaries...they could change depending on how you feel and it would mean there's no pressure on you to explain, if we just started with green light/red light as a matter of course?"_

I sit down beside him curling into him, softly kissing him as I nod my agreement.

_"That sounds really good Rafael..."_

As with this morning, we are very comfortable to just be together, our arms wrapped tightly around the other...

_“You're going to have to be very patient with me Rafael..."_

He nods softly, _"And you will have to be patient with me Liv..."_

_"You were right, we need to talk about so much,... but now, I want to dance with you again...I want to feel your arms around me, your body against mine..."_

He hits play on his phone as he pulls me to my feet, enveloping me in his embrace. A Spanish tune bursts from his phone as he starts to dance.

I feel safe and happy in his arms as we move easily and he starts to echo the lyrics of the song he has chosen for us. Only as he softly sings the words, do

I start to listen to them...

**_'A tu lado me siento seguro_ **

**_(By your side I feel safe)_ **

**_A tu lado no dudo_ **

**_(By your side there is no doubt)_ **

**_A tu lado yo puedo volar_ **

**_(By your side I can fly)_ **

**_A tu lado hoy brilla mi estrella_ **

**_(By your side today my star shines)_ **

**_A tu lado mis sueños se haran por fin realidad_ **

**_(By your side my dreams will finally become a reality)'_ **

As I look into the green eyes looking back at me, I understand this song is not an accidental choice.

As the song finishes he continues to move to its fading strains as he repeats the lyrics he has just sung, but with more confidence, his voice soft but melodic...

**_'Cuenta con mi vida_ **

**_Que hoy la doy por ti_ **

**_Mi pasión la quiero compartir'_ **

**_(The passion of my life, I give to you today, I want to share it with you)'_ **

He softly kisses me as I echo his words in an almost whisper,

**_'Cuenta con mi vida_ **

**_Que hoy la doy por ti_ **

**_Mi pasión la quiero compartir'_ **

He pulls my body tighter to him, kissing my lips, stroking my cheek, _"I think we need to start thinking about disclosing our relationship Liv..."_


	25. November rain

**_"November Rain"_ ** **by _Guns 'N Roses..._**

He pulls my body tighter to him, kissing my lips, stroking my cheek, _"I think we need to start thinking about disclosing our relationship Liv..."_

_"No, Rafael, it's too soon..."_

He gently pulls my head up until I meet his eyes, his thumb softly rubbing my lips, _"I'm not going anywhere Liv...as far as I'm concerned, we are together..."_

He can see how nervous this makes me, _"It's ok Liv, and there's no rush to put labels on us or to say anything we're not ready to say...I just think we need to **start thinking** about disclosing..."_

I hate that I sound whiny and childish as I try to sound in control _"My personal life is none of IAB or 1PP or the DA's business. We are not in each other's chain of command; I don't see the conflict of interest. I'm not ready to let everyone sit in judgment. And if you want to be pedantic about it, we haven't even had sex, so we don't have anything to disclose...if everyone had to disclose their **hope** to have sex with someone in their workplace..."_

He holds his hands up in surrender. _"Ok Liv, I'm not saying we have to do it now, but we should probably start to think about it...and I think the letter of the rule is "a sexual relationship" which even though we haven't had sex, we are definitely involved in a sexual relationship..."_

I scowl at him, _"Yes **Counselor**..."_

He frowns slightly, at my childish retort, as he kisses my forehead lightly. _"I don't want anything to change either Liv. I only ever thought of each attachment to a unit, as a stepping-stone, on my way to becoming DA, but SVU has changed me, you've changed me. I still want to be DA but there's more there too. And given the choice between working with you, or **this** , it's not even a contest...You're about to be promoted to Lieutenant, I've been the SVU ADA for a couple of years now, I'm not sure this situation has ever been encountered...there have definitely been detectives and ADA's but...maybe they won't make one of us move? And if they do, I'll take a transfer...realistically I probably wouldn't be at SVU forever anyhow..."_

_"Not yet Rafael...I know we will need to do it eventually, but it's too much right now..."_

He nods softly, agreeing to drop it for now.

**_'When I look into your eyes_ **

**_I can see a love restrained_ **

**_But darlin' when I hold you_ **

**_Don't you know I feel the same_ **

**_Nothin' lasts forever_ **

**_And we both know hearts can change_ **

**_And it's hard to hold a candle_ **

**_In the cold November rain'_ **

I feel childish for not even wanting to discuss it, but it really does feel like too much. I already feel like I can't control my mouth, that way too much, deeply, personal, stuff is being revealed, to even consider this extra revelation. I know from sorry, personal, experience how necessary it is, but it is one of the few things I feel truly in control of, as everything else seems to spin wildly away from me.

**_'We've been through this such a long long time_ **

**_Just tryin' to kill the pain, oo yeah_ **

**_But love is always coming and love is always going_ **

**_And no one's really sure who's lettin' go today_ **

**_Walking away_ **

**_If we could take the time_ **

**_To lay it on the line_ **

**_I could rest my head_ **

**_Just knowin' that you were mine_ **

**_All mine_ **

**_So if you want to love me_ **

**_Then darlin' don't refrain_ **

**_Or I'll just end up walkin'_ **

**_In the cold November rain'_ **

As I look at the man beside me, I find my mouth overpowering my mind as it forces my boundaries even further...

 _"So what words do you use...?"_ I softly ask him.

He gently pulls me back against him, interlacing his fingers with mine, _"About sex?"_ he asks softly as I nod, unable to keep from chewing my lip nervously,

_"I'm not sure, really Liv, I guess I haven't really talked about sex a lot in recent times...there hasn't been a need to...I haven't had a partner..."_

I kiss his hand lightly.

_"It's not something I suppose I've really ever talked about very much... I'm wary of using the vocabulary we use at work...and slang terms don't always sit very well on my tongue...I'm not shy about sex but I'm not sure I know how to talk about it...I'm ashamed to admit it. I think that maybe it's something I've only really considered since I started working with SVU, but how can you be willing to do something you aren't sure how to talk about?"_

I nod knowingly. _"I know what you mean..."_

I take his hand and gently lay it on my right breast, _"What would you call this?"_

_"Your breast?"_

I nod in agreement, _" **He** called them something else... **He** was rough, twisting and pulling..."_

 _"So more gentle touches?...but you like to be touched there?..."_ The hand I laid on my breast starts to gently stroke and I can only nod as his fingers slowly move around my nipple. I catch his eye and nod encouragingly. He follows my lead and softly grasps the bottom of my shirt, looking to me again for confirmation, before he pulls it over my head. I repeat his action removing his shirt before placing his hand back on my breast.

His fingers softly caress my whole breast, _"Are your breasts sensitive to touch, or is just your nipples?"_ he asks as his thumb grazes the nipple.

 _"They're pretty sensitive"_ I answer, as my hands move on his torso, _"Does it feel good for you when I touch your chest, your nipples?"_

He swallows deeply, nodding as my fingers circle his nipples.

 _"Is the skin more or less sensitive here?"_ he asks as his fingers stroke the biggest burn mark carefully.

 _"I don't think the sensation is any different..."_ I whisper...

_"But you don't really like it?"_

_"I like that you don't avoid them, but I don't like you to pay too much heed..."_

He nods softly, allowing his fingers to trail across my whole breast.

He starts to kiss down my neck, using his tongue on the more sensitive areas he has found, until he gets to my breast, he kisses it softly, _"Do you like my mouth here?"_ he asks, green eyes looking up at me.

I nod as his lips move further down, kissing the nipple softly _, "...And here?"_

Again I nod as he softly sucks it into his mouth, flicking and caressing it with his tongue,  _"Definitely there Rafael..."_ I almost moan as he switches his attention to the other breast.

 _"Tell me where you are comfortable with me touching, Liv?"_ he says as he moves his hands to my neck, softly caressing the skin as he advances to my shoulder and slowly down my arm, kissing my hands in turn before his hands delicately slide back up my arms. They unhurriedly progress from my underarms down my back, to the waistline of my pants, then up the center of my back. Every piece of skin is caressed softly as his hands cover it, until he reaches my neck again, gently swiping across to slide down my front, stopping to pay special attention to my breasts on their journey down my body. As his hands start to reach the waistband of my pants, he moves them and begins to trace up from my ankles, up the outside of my legs and when he reaches my hips he glides them to my inner thighs and traces back down. As his hands rest on my hips he falters slightly, unsure whether he should go any further, but aware that I haven't stopped him yet. His movements become a lot slower, more deliberate, and his eyes don't leave mine, as his hands skim down across my butt, the fingers continuing to make every inch of skin they come in contact with, feel worshipped. When his hands meet they start to move back across to my hips and his nervousness increases further as his hands come to rest uneasily on the bones of my pelvis...

 _"Trust me Rafael..."_ I whisper.

He nods tightly, as he slowly moves his hands down. I still don't stop him, as his fingers trace gently over me. All of his attention is directed towards my face as he tenderly moves his fingers between my legs. He softly strokes the covered flesh he is being given access to.

He looks at me in surprise when I don't stop him at all, _"I want to feel your touch Rafael, but like this...I'm not ready to take off my underwear...but I want this...”_

He nods his agreement, as his dexterous fingers elicit a moan from me.

I temporarily still his hands as mine start to trace down his chest, _"Is it ok if I touch you Rafael?"_

He nods as my hands slide down, _"Liv, you don't have to..."_

_"I know Rafael, and I'm still a little unsure, but I don't want to build up a fear, I'm trying to break down walls, not build more..."_

As my hand lightly rubs against the bulge in his pants, I again, find that there is no fear, this is not a weapon to hurt me, this is a part of the man who would never hurt me. And as I feel the undeniable arousal in his hardened flesh, I can't help but feel a small sense of achievement.

 _"How do you feel Liv?"_ He asks quietly as my hand stops moving, resting gently on his erection, my eyes slowly moving down to meet my hand...

 _"I thought I'd be triggered...that I wouldn't be able to keep the memories at bay...but I don't...I'm here...looking at you...and I just feel...aroused?"_ My eyes meet his, mildly surprised at my own reaction.

He pulls me gently to him, the bare skin of our torsos pressed together as our arms wrap around each other.

 _"I've been afraid of how I would react to...your penis... **He** didn't rape me, but **he** threatened me with **it** , pushing **it** against me, **he** tried to...I have a lot of bad memories around that part of **his** anatomy and I was worried,... but it's a part of you, it's not the same...it's you...I think you were right though, that position may be important, I feel safe here, you aren't towering over me or making me feel trapped...and I'm glad that I can turn you on like that..."_ I smile at him as that realisation of my last whispered words sinks in.

 _"Don't ever doubt that you can turn me on like that...Liv, you are a very sexy, and beautiful woman..."_ He looks into my eyes as he says it and I can see he means it.

 _"Do you feel aroused by my touch?"_ He asks tentatively.

I nod vehemently; almost rolling my eyes that he is asking that question, until I realize how reasonable it is, how even now, I'm trying to mask my reactions...but I want him to know how I feel, I want to assure him, as he assured me, that he has the power to elicit a reaction from me... _"My body is almost buzzing...when **he** had me, I was so afraid that my body would react to **him**...I know how wrong it is...but I was so scared that it would mean I wanted it...I'm still afraid...it feels...shameful..."_

_"So you are very conscious of your arousal?"_

I nod slightly, my head dipping a couple of times...

_"All signs of your arousal?"_

I shake my head now, I can see he is struggling to find words and to know what to say so I try to help him _..."I know that it's my body preparing for sex, I know it has nothing to do with consent but I was terrified that **he'd** find me wet for **him**..."_

_"But when you're alone...it feels different?"_

It is all I can do to shake my head as tears slide out, and I can see that this admission saddens and upsets him, as he pulls me tight to him, kissing me lightly, before carefully meeting my eyes...

_"Liv, your body is doing exactly what it should do...For me, to be able to arouse you like that, is what I want...I want to be able to turn you on like that...and when we do have sex of any sort, I want you to enjoy it, to feel pleasure, I wouldn't want to do anything, if you weren't aroused...For me to make you wet would give me a huge sense of achievement...There is absolutely nothing to be ashamed of...Did it feel good when I touched you...there?"_

I nod, _"It felt really good Rafael. I didn't think I was going to let things go that far, but it felt right...I knew it was my decision, that I was still clothed, that you would stop immediately, if it didn't feel right...it felt so good...I want more...somehow your touch doesn't make me feel as guilty as my own..."_

_"You have nothing to feel any guilt about Liv...nothing..."_

I nod softly _"But I do..."_

Again he nods, slightly sadly, _"I think that will change in time..."_

_"I hope so..."_

_"It will Liv...are there any touches you like or don't like?"_

I know I'm uncomfortable now, but again it's not the subject matter, that has me squirming, it's my disconnect from myself, my lack of knowledge about my own body...He attempts to try and take the pressure off me, but before he can speak, I stop him _"No Rafael, I'm not embarrassed by the question,... I don't really know, I've only really recognized that I have relied exclusively on stimulating my clitoris, I've completely neglected every other erogenous zone on my body...I don't know what I like, but I know that your touches felt good, I feel like my body is a more whole entity the way you touch me...I'm still a little cautious of any sort of penetration though..."_

He nods his understanding, gently stroking my cheek, _"I expected that, Liv, it makes sense, I understand that, and I know that when you are comfortable, I will be very gentle, with any part of my body..."_

His reassurance makes me want to cry, he has said so much in that sentence...he has told me he understands my reticence, he has validated it as a reasonable concern, he has made sure I know he understands that even when he is given permission to touch me, he still understands it is not a carte blanche, he still knows I have boundaries, fears...and when he is given explicit permission to do more, he will be gentle...with every step...

I feel adored...as I hold his hands in mine and lean into his body.

_"Do you think you would be comfortable to let me touch you there, with my mouth, ...not tonight...I mean, in general...?"_

I consider for a moment before shaking my head, no longer able to hold back the tears pricking impatiently at my eyes.

_"Was it something you never enjoyed?"_

Again I shake my head sadly as he softly kisses my cheeks.

_"So it was something you did enjoy...?"_

I nod as the tears continue to slip down my face.

_"That's ok Liv...you don't have to do anything you don't want to...ever...and maybe in time you won't feel the same way...but I'm really glad you can tell me... you should know though, it's something I really enjoy, and I believe I'm good at..."_

I can't stop the laugh that breaks forward as a trace of a smirk flashes across his lips...

_"Really Liv, I don't want you to ever do anything you're not completely comfortable with...And I want to pleasure you to orgasm so many times, before we ever even consider having full sex...I want to know your body well, I want to know what you really like, because I want to make sure that you enjoy it..."_

His hand tenderly cups my cheek, as his lips softly meet mine.

_"What else do you like, or not like, Liv?"_

_"I don't know anymore Rafael...nothing is the same, I'm different...It's like what happened changed everything..."_

_"How did you feel about telling me where you were comfortable being touched, the way we did it? Was it too much?"_

_"No, it was perfect, I could just do what felt right...and I surprised myself...because I felt safe... And instead of it being stressful to decide where the line is, it felt good, your touch felt good...you felt good..."_

_"Every time we talk like this Liv, I feel more relaxed, and it feels good to know what language to use...I know it sounds ridiculous but I was afraid of using a wrong word that would make you think of something you'd rather forget..."_

_"It means so much to me that you even think of that...every word **he** used was slang, coarse...I don't want to sound too cold and clinical, but the more correct terms are familiar, and don't make me cringe, the way some of the words **he** used did...if you don't mind?"_

_"I don't mind at all...Can I ask you a question Liv?"_

That question always sets my nerves jangling because it is only ever a precursor to something you don't want asked or answered but I nod because I know it is something he needs to ask...

_"After your bath you seemed relaxed but it looked like you'd been crying too...if something is bothering you, a memory or anything...you know I'm here?"_

I nod quickly, debating just acknowledging his offer but staying silent, but again my treasonous mouth has other ideas...

_"I can still hear **his** voice...feel **his** hands... **their** hands...what is wrong with me? I know it's not true, I know it's not me, but it feels like I have to have done something to have two different men do this..."_

He looks like he is about to cry at my hurried words. He just wraps his arms around me and tells me again that I did nothing wrong. I know it is the truth, I say it to myself often, but to hear another human being say the words, seems to carry exponentially more weight than my own meager assurances.

And as the tears start to softly fall once more he just sweeps me up into his arms and carries me into bed, pulling my t-shirt carefully back on to me, before he quickly tugs his jeans off and pulls his pajama pants on, as discretely as he can, pulling on his own t-shirt as he crawls into bed beside where he laid me down. His arms pull me to him and he clasps my hands tightly to him.

**_'I know it's hard to keep an open heart_ **

**_When even friends seem out to harm you_ **

**_But if you could heal a broken heart_ **

**_Wouldn't time be out to charm you'_ **

"You have never done anything to deserve any of this Liv...You are an amazing, strong, beautiful, sexy, woman...Sleep, dream well, and when you wake

I'll be here..." he whispers as he places kisses all over my face.

In these small gestures, I feel adored...

**_'And when your fears subside_ **

**_And shadows still remain, oh yeah_ **

**_I know that you can love me_ **

**_When there's no one left to blame_ **

**_So never mind the darkness_ **

**_We still can find a way_ **

**_'Cause nothin' lasts forever_ **

**_Even cold November rain_ **

**_Don't ya think that you need somebody_ **

**_Don't ya think that you need someone_ **

**_Everybody needs somebody_ **

**_You're not the only one_ **

**_You're not the only one'_ **


	26. Everybody hurts

**_"Everybody hurts"_ ** **by _REM..._**

 

 

Monday started with an early morning summons to the squad by Chief Dodds, as a high profile case fell into our lap. I barely had time to shower before I had to leave, but Rafael insisted that there was no need to call Lucy so early, he swore that between him and Noah, they'd manage breakfast and getting dressed.

Fin and Amanda arrived minutes after I did to brief me. They both looked carefully, at me as they apologized for the early hour, and I handed them both fresh hot coffee that they accepted gratefully while I looked around questioningly, for Carisi.

 _"He's just behind us Liv"_ Fin promised as I gestured to a fourth coffee cup as I fielded yet another of Dodds' calls.

When I returned to the squad, Carisi was squabbling with Amanda as they arranged pictures on the board, I couldn't help but smile as Fin rolled his eyes.

_"So what have we got guys?"_

Despite the early hour and the pressure from 1PP, all anyone was focused on was the case, as we waded through the evidence and statements the guys had taken at the scene and in the hospital.

Hours started to tick by as we split up to trace down leads, and see where the evidence led us. The whole time Dodds breathed down our necks demanding constant updates and progress reports, until he finally walked in the door of the squad at 11:45 with Rafael, demanding that we lay it all out...

Rafael was his usual truculent self as he reminded us countless times that we would need to dot our t's and cross every i as these kids were both celebrities' offspring, and as such everything would be under a microscope...

There was no sign of our personal relationship as we argued over statements and timelines and theories. This easy change back into our work personalities made me feel very comfortable, even as the small softness that always marked out his interactions with me, shone through. There was no attempt to be friendlier or more hostile to each other than we always had been; we were both comfortable to just be who we were at work.

Our working theory was that the girl drank too much, was maybe even drugged, but we were waiting on blood test results to confirm that, and he raped her when she went off alone in search of a restroom. Sadly the circumstances were all too familiar, the biggest complication being the high profile parents who had well-documented previous public 'disagreements'.

As always evidence was difficult, there was footage to back up the girl's assertions that she didn't leave until hours after the other partygoers, and that when she did leave she was stumbling and her clothing was visibly damaged, there was physical evidence of penetration and fluids that we expected to match the boy's as he admitted to having sex with her, but there was no evidence to confirm his claims that their sex was consensual and she was 'wild', but also no evidence to completely validate her assertion that it wasn't...The media frenzy had already started, and both sets of parents were quick to vilify the other. All concern for the anonymity of our young victim seemingly forgotten, as pictures of her bruised and pale shocked face were splashed all of over gossip sites.

These cases are the easiest and hardest we have to deal with, our suspect is readily identified and easily tracked down but evidence is always hard to come by and all too often the case hinges on the personality of the victim and suspect, and how well they perform for the jury...regardless of the outcome of a trial, the damage is always immeasurable.

The cocky, un-empathetic, entitled, attitude of our suspect and his flimsy contention that he doesn't need to rape, he has plenty of willing 'bitches', and that she is a 'slut' who isn't 'worth raping', along with years of experience helped sway my opinion to feel he had indeed raped her.

By mid afternoon though none of it mattered anymore, when pictures and videos she believed to have been sent to her boyfriend in privacy, were leaked to an eager world.

A completely devastated young woman, was harangued into dropping her accusations amidst a flurry of criticism and searing rants about the effect this debacle would have on her mother's next project, and barely concealed disgust from her father who suggested a stint in rehab might make people more sympathetic to her 'easy ways', if they think they were caused by an alcohol problem.

I could only give my card to the shattered 17 year old and promise to help in any way I can, as I tried to persuade her to pursue her case. Unsurprisingly, she declined...

**_'When your day is long_ **

**_And the night, the night is yours alone_ **

**_When you're sure you've had enough_ **

**_Of this life, well hang on_ **

**_Don't let yourself go_ **

**_'Cause everybody cries_ **

**_And everybody hurts sometimes_ **

**_Sometimes everything is wrong_ **

**_Now it's time to sing along'_ **

I felt deflated as I left her apartment, with a somber Carisi in tow.

 _"Sarge, can we really not do anything?"_ he asked, looking wistfully back towards the window we left her behind.

I shake my head sadly.

_"What if we can prove his 'side' leaked the footage of her?"_

_"She won't pursue it Sonny, it was going to be hard enough when she was willing to press charges, but with no victim, and no evidence we have no case..."_

_"Can we get him for something else?"_

_"She's over the age of consent...there's nothing..."_

He shakes his head, _"He raped her..."_

 _"Yeah...he did..."_ I confirm despondently.

The young eager detective has aged before my eyes. His eyes reflect the pain he is feeling at all he has seen in his short time at SVU.

 _"Sometimes we just can't do anything..."_ I say, hating the words that are the only thing I can say...

_"So he gets away with it...what are the chances he does it again?"_

There is no answer, he didn't expect one, we both know the stats...

He pulls the car away from the curb and heads back to the precinct in silence.

As we pull in at the 1-6, he tugs the keys out of the ignition and softly whispers, _"Will she ever get over it?"_

I understand now, that he isn't just asking about her, he is asking about me, about Amanda, about all the other men and women we see in our job...

_"She can get past it..."_

He swallows deeply, not meeting my eyes, _"Yeah but it's not the same thing Sarge..."_

I shake my head, _"No Sonny, it's not..."_

**_'When your day is night alone (Hold on, hold on)_ **

**_If you feel like letting go (Hold on)_ **

**_If you think you've had too much_ **

**_Of this life, well hang on_ **

**_Everybody hurts'_ **

His voice is quiet as he adds, _"I hate that I can understand why she didn't want to pursue it..."_

I don't interrupt; I just nod at him...

_"It was a classic 'He said, She said', it wasn't going to be about the evidence, it was going to be about those pictures and videos, and it was all going to play out on TMZ...and she probably would never have gotten justice anyway..."_

We sit in silence for a few moments, there was a time I would have tried to remind him how much good we do, how many women and men we can and do help, but experience has thought me that sometimes just being there for each other, is enough...

_"Are you ok Sarge?"_

His question is hesitant, I know he feels like the question is somehow...wrong. I know he is asking about this case **and** my disclosure of a few days ago.

_"Sometimes I am... It doesn't ever really go away...but cases like this, they hurt...I think when they stop hurting, it's time to quit...A few of the effects of something like this, you don't even discover them until years after..."_

_"Does it help if they're punished?"_ he asks looking me carefully in the eye.

_"A bit, I guess...it means you're safe...but it doesn't change anything..."_

_"There has to be more we can do...legally and in society...how is it still like this? How can a woman's rape be somehow less because she's not a virgin, or she wore a short skirt or a low cut top? How can we even have a term for it, 'slut-shaming'...? How can jokes be made about rape? Why is it a women's problem?"_

I have no answers, I'm not sure that anyone does. He has made so many good points that just haven't got any good solutions yet...

_"I'm no better, I didn't even really understand that my brother in law could have been raped by a woman...Sarge, I'm sorry for that...I can't imagine how offensive that had to have been..."_

_"I get it Sonny...there was no malice intended in it, but "we don't get to pick the vic", it's something I was told by my old partner and Cragen when I started in SVU...over the years I've begun to understand it means a lot more than the obvious..."_

He mulls over my words, carefully considering them...

_"So what can I do Sarge...as a cop, as one man?"_

_"I guess, asking questions like this is a good start, try not to prejudge, who can or can't be a victim or a rapist...you're a good cop, and you're good with victims, you care, you want to understand, to help...be aware as a man, try to encourage other men to be aware too, small changes make a difference..."_

_"How do you ever trust anyone?"_

_"It's not easy...relationships are really hard with our job...what we see, what we feel...don't keep it all locked inside..."_

_"You and Amanda, Sarge, I don't know how you do it..."_

_"We're lucky, we have you guys around us, we have support and understanding, I suppose we want to make sure that people who aren't as lucky, have somewhere to go..."_

He nods carefully, smilingly accepting the gentle compliment, as he opens the car door.

_"I'm here Sonny, anytime you want to talk..."_

_"And I'm here Sarge, if you ever need anything..."_

**_'Take comfort in your friends_ **

**_Everybody hurts_ **

**_Don't throw your hand, oh no_ **

**_Don't throw your hand_ **

**_If you feel like you're alone_ **

**_No, no, no, you are not alone_ **

**_If you're on your own in this life_ **

**_The days and nights are long'_ **

As he shoots back into the precinct I can't help but chuckle at his slowly returning eagerness. When I reach the squad he is already badgering the guys about ordering takeout because _"lunch wasn't very substantial and it was hours ago..."_

Amanda grins at me as she relents, providing he doesn't want more of that _"deep fried crap"_ he ordered last time. He quickly tries to tell us it was _"gourmet",_ as Amanda informs him _"glorified, greasy, pop tarts with a cup of sugar and chocolate sprinkles are not gourmet Carisi"_

He scowls at her... _"Yeah but neither is rabbit-food, vegetables are what food eats..."_

I can't help but laugh as Carisi turns to me pleadingly...

 _"I could go for some chicken"_ I add as Carisi practically beams back at me and Rollins just rolls her eyes as he looks to her with a barely disguised _"I win"_ grin plastered all over his face.

As I enter my office and wearily pull off my jacket, Fin comes in behind me, softly closing the door, _"The kid ok Liv?"_ he asks looking out at him thoughtfully...

_"Hard day...but he will be..."_

He just nods before turning to me, _"How bout you? How you doing?"_

_"Hard day...but I'm ok Fin."_

He looks at me closely, but says nothing.

_"Thanks a lot for talking to Rafael. He needed it..."_

He shrugs at me dismissively, _"It's gotta be hard...for both of you..."_

_"It is...there's a lot of bumps...but... it's good..."_

He smiles at me _"I'm glad Liv. He wants to do the right things..."_

_"He is Fin. And we are talking...he's talking to me, but I'm glad he can talk to you when he doesn't feel he can come to me..."_

_"I haven't been there Liv, where either of you is...I may not have answers but I'm always here to listen..."_

I nod gratefully, _"I know, and it means a lot...to both of us..."_

_"So you have Rafael talking to me, and me talking to Amanda, and her talking to me, who are **you** talking to Liv?_

_"All of you, Fin...I can't do this alone...I still hate to admit it, it still feels weak, but I can't..."_

He nods approvingly.

_"So I heard some news from my corrections guy..."_

I can't help the sharp intake of breath.

_"It's nothing like that Liv...it's just some details about how he died...I don't know if you need to know or if you even should...but it's not my call to make, it's yours...I have them...think about it and let me know..."_

_"I don't know Fin...do I want to know?"_

Again he answers with a shrug _..."What do you hope to get from them?"_

Now it's my turn to shrug, _"I don't know. At first I wanted **him** to suffer more, to feel some of what **he** put so many women through...but..." _ my words fail me and I just shake my head...he looks at me, with laser focus as I try to put it into words... _"no one deserves **that**... not even **him**. It's all part of a vicious cycle, it has to be stop somewhere..."_

He nods softly, _"Liv, **he** was an ex CO, rapist..."_

I know he is gently cautioning me, and I try not to allow myself to speculate if he is trying to prepare me for the post mortem and investigation preliminary results as he says this.

_"I know Fin, I can't change what happened, no more than I ever can, but I won't allow myself to wish it, I won't give **him** even more of who I am... **he** is gone..."_

He swallows deeply as he quietly echoes my words, _"He is gone..."_

 _"I'm not sure that hiding from the truth whatever it is, is good either though..."_ I add thoughtfully.

_"Did you want to know Fin?"_

He nods definitely. _"Yeah I did. I needed to know how it happened..."_

_"Did it help? How do you feel?"_

He shrugs in slight frustration, _"It didn't change anything in any big way...I didn't feel much really...but it is an end. I have a good picture in my head of what happened...and I hope he burns in a special kind of hell"_

_"And how are you Fin?"_

_"Doing ok Liv."_ He assures softly and I can see he means it _, "Something has been on my mind...you don't have to answer if you don't want to...but if I'd been too late, if I hadn't gotten there **before**...would you have told me? I don't mean would you have reported it, or told Stabler or any of them, would you have told **me**? Would you have gotten medical help? I only ask because I saw the bruise on your face and you said Melinda checked you out...How many other bruises were there after what he did?...I just need to know that you would have looked after yourself...?"_

_"I think I would have gotten whatever medical help I needed...I knew my ribs were sore and I'd loads of cuts and bruises, I reckoned the ribs weren't broken so I wasn't too worried...the pain, it kind of reminded me I'd survived it...but I really think I would have gotten medical help...if I needed it, no matter what..."_

He nods, his relief evident, as I understand he is asking about Lewis too, he still knows I'm keeping secrets about what happened in the four days **he** had me, he doesn't want to intrude but he wants to know I would get medical help if I needed to.

_"I've always gotten medical help when I've needed it Fin."_

I know he has asked all he ever will, about that subject, the door is always open should I want to talk to him, but he has gotten the answer he needed, and he believes me.

_"I don't know if I would have told you... I don't think I could have hidden it from you really...and I like to think I would have told you, but I really don't know. If you had asked me before I went into Sealview, I would have said I would never allow someone to sexually assault me without pressing charges. I would have said I'd never keep that secret from my best friend, my partner,...but when it happens it doesn't feel anything like you expect it to...You think that you know too much to feel guilty and shameful, but you can't avoid it..._

_I know the state I was in when you found me, I can only imagine it would have gotten so much worse if...or I may have completely shut down, like I started to, in the beach house or the granary, and I don't think I could have hidden it from you, even if I wanted to, I wouldn't have been able to..."_

_"Ok..."_ is all the answer I get but I can see he is happy with my attempt to answer the question. I'm not quite sure why that question was on his mind or what precipitated it, but it clearly wasn't a question of whether I trusted him with the information, it was something else.

He heads towards the door, _"I'll keep an eye on the kid"_ he promises as he reaches for the handle, _"And take your time deciding about the results, I have them..."_

**_'When you think you've had too much of this life to hang on_ **

**_Well, everybody hurts sometimes_ **

**_Everybody cries_ **

**_Everybody hurts sometimes_ **

**_And everybody hurts sometimes_ **

**_So hold on, hold on_ **

**_Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on_ **

**_Everybody hurts'_ **


	27. Fix you

**_"Fix you"_ ** **by _Coldplay..._**

****

****

My phone beeps softly beside my elbow,

_[Dinner?]_

I smile broadly, as I quickly tap out a reply,

_[I suppose I can wait for you while you go home to get some stuff....]_

I barely hesitate for a second before adding,

_[Oh and don't forget your swim trunks, Rafael....]_

I can almost picture the smile on his face as my phone beeps again...

_[You're killing me, Liv, it's not quite 5pm...how long do I have to wait?]_

I feel like a teenager again, as I type back...

_[Work faster...]_

I hold the phone tightly to me as he types back

_[You too...See you about 7-7:30?]_

I attempt to push the phone aside again, but as I look at the progress I have made on the seemingly, ever-growing, paper mountain that appears to have made its home on my desk, I recognize that it is comparatively small today, and I have been in since very early,... I decide to finish off the current, small, sub-pile and go home to see my son.

The clock is only ticking past 5:30pm as I pick up my coat and tell the guys to head home. They all gratefully start to move, the early morning start, beginning to tell in their slow, tired movements.

_"Really well done today Guys, under a lot of pressure, everyone did all I could have asked, you all behaved professionally and calmly despite how hard it was...go home, it will all still be here tomorrow,... and thank you..."_

They all smile back at me, they start to plan a quick beer and some dinner, immediately extending an invitation to me, I politely decline and a small smile passes between Fin and Amanda as I take my leave.

Despite the New York rush hour traffic, I am home by a few minutes past 6pm and I'm just in time to bathe Noah as he chatters away.

His speech is really starting to improve and it feels like every day, I can understand more and more of his babbling chatter. I really begin to relax while I bathe my growing baby boy, and can't help a quick projection of the bath I hope to take later on this evening, but every moment with my toddler is precious, and I quickly push aside the thoughts and live in the current moment.

We play for nearly an hour and start story time as he tries to fight the yawns that distract his attention. As he happily curls up beside me in his bed, with his sippy cup of milk, and his monkey and dinosaur beside him, he tiredly points at the characters in his book until we turn the last page over. He mirrors the movement of the page as he turns onto his side handing me his cup. As I kiss him goodnight, he puts his hand under his ear and lets his eyes close.

I can't watch him fall asleep without thinking how lucky I am that he is so happy to go to bed, how easily and contentedly he falls asleep. As I watch him settle, I can't stop the silent wish that sleep always comes so easily for him...

I have only just walked out of his room when my phone beeps softly...

_[Be there in about 10 minutes...just made a quick stop]_

As promised, ten minutes later there is a gentle tap on the door, and Rafael makes his way in with his usual bag, suit bag, his briefcase and a paper bag. I immediately lose all interest in whatever he has bought, as he pulls me into his arms. He starts to softly kiss me and his hands gently run through my hair...

 _"Nope, you gotta eat your dinner before you get any dessert Rafael..."_ I tease pulling away...

His face is an absolute picture, as the unflappable Rafael Barba is left speechless...

Within a second or two, he has recovered and quietly mutters something about me being the death of him again...

We decide on dinner and place our order, as we lament the turn our earlier case took.

_"I hate the phrase Liv...but this case was always a dog... she deserved so much more than...nothing...though."_

_"I know..."_

He can sense I'm not ready to talk about it anymore, so he easily changes the subject _, "So me and Noah managed to get breakfast and get dressed this morning",_ he teases.

_"So I see...I was a little worried I'd come home to find him a mini three piece suit with a horrifically bright shirt and tie combo..."_

He looks at me in mock disgust, _"Firstly none of my shirt and tie combos are horrific...they are suave and sophisticated...and secondly, he'd be so cute..."_

I chuckle loudly, _"First off, suave and sophisticated? And second, I would pay money to see you try and get Noah into a suit, he pulled off a shirt the other day as I was trying to dress him, because he wanted a different one...so good luck...and THIRD, I never even mentioned the suspenders..."_

As I say the word I gently pull the suspenders of the day from behind his vest and let them snap back against his chest.

 _"You're a cruel woman Liv...and these are some of my favorites..."_ he says as he opens his vest to show me the pink and purple patterned suspenders...

I hear the door go, as our dinner arrives and as I go to answer it, I turn back to tell him _"Saved by the bell...You can strip for me later Counselor, dinner is here..."_

He shakes his head and all I can hear is _"death of me..."_ as he smiles.

We dive into the food happily; he has ordered steak, asparagus and mashed potatoes, while I have a baked potato, broccoli and chicken wrapped in parma ham and mushroom sauce. We both feed the other tastes of everything until we are full.

As we tidy up after dinner, I turn to him, winding my arms around his waist, _"So...how about we take a bath Rafael?"_

He brushes my hair from my face _..."How do we do this Liv?"_

I shrug lightly, _"Same as we have done any other time we've messed around..."_

He frowns at me and I realize he meant the logistics of how do we get changed into the swimwear we have agreed to wear, and do we redress...things like that...

_"I'm sorry Rafael, that was a bit dumb, I didn't think...I could change in the bedroom, you could change in the bathroom? I think I might just wrap a towel around me until I get into the bath, I might feel a little exposed otherwise..."_

He nods at me, _"And are you happy for me to do the same of would you prefer if I put some clothes back on...?"_

_"No you don't have to put clothes back on..."_

He picks up the paper bag that had caught my attention on his arrival, and his bag, and heads to the bathroom, I can hear the bath running almost immediately and I smile as I head into my room.

I slowly undress, looking to the mirror, trying to continue to make myself more comfortable, at every opportunity. As I pull on the bikini top, it feels like a bra and I'm not uncomfortable, but as the bottoms of the bikini move up my legs, it feels like I've forgotten my pants and I feel slightly uneasy. As I wind the towel around me and twist the end under, to hold it in place across my chest, I take a deep breath and tap lightly on the bathroom door.

He opens it and immediately wraps his arms around me, _"How do you feel Liv?"_

He is wrapped in a towel around his waist, but otherwise he looks naked, my breath catches slightly until I remind myself that he isn't naked, he is wearing trunks, and I start to relax.

_"The bottom of the bikini feels a little...revealing...the top is fine...I guess I'm just very aware how little fabric is protecting me...I don't mean from you..."_

_"I understand Liv...you don't have to worry...I'm not going to be insulted or offended by something like that...You look beautiful..."_

The simple compliment puts me at ease and I notice he has placed small candles all around the room and a couple of small battery night lights that cast a warm light off the ceiling. The main light is off and the room feels inviting and sexy...

As I look into the tub I can see he has put in some vanilla scented bubble bath, and rose petals litter the top of the bubbles sitting on the water...

 _"This was your stop?"_ I ask him smiling.

 _"Yep"_ he nods _"too much?"_

I shake my head emphatically, _"I feel...special..."_

He cups my chin looking me straight in the eye, _"Good Liv, you should feel special, you are special and this..."_ he gestures between us, _"... is special..."_

We start to kiss, and I reach for his towel, slowly pulling it off him.

 _"You're hot Rafael"_ I whisper as I step back to take him in. He is wearing a fitted pair of swim trunks; they are navy blue and really show off his form.

He can't help the small smirk that flashes across his face and as I look into his eyes the feelings of discomfort just dissolve and I pull off my own towel.

I'm wearing an olive green bikini, which has gold buckles on each of the hips and between the cups.

 _"Wow"..._ He doesn't seem to realize he has said the word out loud.

His eyes slowly move down my body but rather than feel 'on-display' I feel adored...

I pull my hair into a messy knot and step into the bath.

As I lower myself into the warm water, I notice a rush of warmth flood through me, which I doubt has anything to with the water temperature.

I'm glad this is not a new built apartment so the tub is slightly larger and deeper than the new environmentally friendly, water conserving, shallow, smaller, tubs.

I gesture to him to get in at the other end, again grateful for the taps being on the inside rather than at one end.

As he lowers himself in, a few splashes of water lap over the edge and we both giggle...

 _"So next time a little more space, a little less water..."_ He proposes.

He is too far away so I move towards him and he moves towards me, and our legs naturally widen to move around the body of the other.

This feels intimate and safe.

I let my hand stroke his chest.

 _"Is this too much Liv?"_ he asks.

I shake my head and raise his hand to my collarbone.

 _"Will you tell me where you are comfortable with me touching?",_ he quickly checks to be sure he has correctly interpreted my actions.

He picks up a bar of vanilla soap and rubs it in his hands until he has got a good lather and his hands trace the same journey they did last night, rubbing and stroking the flesh as he goes.

When he reaches my breasts I reach behind me to unhook the top, _"Not yet Liv, let's establish the line first..."_

I nod my agreement and let my hands slip back down, until my forearms rest on the sides of the tub.

When he reaches the waistband of my bikini bottoms for the last time he reaches behind him on either side to glide his hands up my legs and I find the image, in concert with the sensation, to be deeply stimulating.

As he watches me carefully, for any sign of discomfort, I have no doubt he is also watching for signs of what I am particularly enjoying.

When his hands come to rest on my hips, he is a lot less tentative then he was last night, as they gently move across my bikini-covered butt. He quickly pulls me closer to him as his hands continue to explore, and his power is clearly in evidence for almost, the first time. I'm nearly, surprised at his strength, and I start to recognize how he has been so careful with me, how his gentleness has been so absolute, that I never even began to contemplate that there was anything more to him...

As his fingers gently start to stroke my most intimate area, I rest my arms on his shoulders and pull his head to me to kiss him. His hands slide around to grasp my hips and I scowl lightly at him as he softly laughs and cups my chin. His other hand pulls my face back so his lips can meet mine.

He sharply pulls me to him again, until our bodies are pressed together, touching each other the whole way down. I can feel his growing arousal against me as he strokes my cheek softly, _"Is this ok?"_ he asks huskily.

I nod quickly, and his lips start to move down my neck. He kisses, nips and licks selectively, while his fingers lightly run up and down the entire length of my sides. By the time his mouth is travelling down the centerline of my chest, my breathing is clearly showing how much I am enjoying his attentions. His tongue dips into my cleavage, and his hands slide up my back, towards the catch on my bikini top. He raises his head, looking me in the eye, _"Can I?"._

I just nod again, as his tongue strokes my flesh, and he pops open the catch. His fingers dance down the undersides of my arms pushing the straps of my top before them, and he allows his teeth to pull the top from my chest.

I watch all of this happen, open mouthed, as my top drops forgotten, into the bath, and his mouth eagerly dives onto my breast, licking carefully around the exposed nipple, before greedily sucking it into his mouth, his fingers trying to mirror his actions on my other breast.

I sigh deeply and my eyes flutter closed as his tongue barely touches the nipple in his mouth, flicking across it ever so lightly...

It feels amazing...I'm not thinking, I am just in that moment, feeling how good this is...I don't even realize that I am sitting here completely passively, basking in the pleasure he is creating in me.

He switches his mouth to my other breast, repeating his actions on it.

It feels like his hands are everywhere, as his fingers stroke and knead and rub along my whole torso and arms.

He lifts his head from my chest, and he searches out my lips again. I can see I'm not the only one enjoying myself, as I catch a glimpse of his eyes, his desire is as evident in them, as it is in the hard flesh I can feel against me.

It's like a switch has flicked in me and I just want to touch him, my hands stroke up and down his chest, tracing small circles around his nipples, not dissimilarly to what I had so enjoyed.

I feel his hand slide down the centerline of my torso, past the waistline of my bikini to gently cup between my wide spread legs. When his fingers press gently and start to rock against my clitoris I can't control the gasp that escapes my mouth. He rests his forehead against mine; his other hand is stroking one of my nipples as he whispers _"I've wanted to do this for so long Liv, you are so gorgeous...your face, your eyes, every inch of you is gorgeous...but your heart is the most beautiful part of you...you are stunning..."._

His voice is so heavy with arousal that it is deep and throaty.

I dip my head down to take one of his nipples into my mouth as my hand slips down, deep below the waterline to rest on his erect penis. As my fingers and open palm rub lightly against his length, it is his turn to gasp and moan slightly.

His mouth momentarily drops open, and I hungrily seize it with my own, lightly nipping on his bottom lip in between kisses. He starts to alternate the gentle pressure and rocking motion against my clitoris with a light sideways flicking movement, his other hand softly caresses the underside of my arm and I can no longer maintain the kiss. As his lips gently nip and lick at my neck, my hand grasps his penis almost unconsciously.

He looks to me quickly, stilling his movements immediately, _"Liv, is it too much?"_

 _"I didn't think I could feel like this anymore,..."_ I pant and he seems to recognize I am ok, and his hands continue to move.

 _"Oh god Rafael...don't stop..."_ I whisper between breaths.

I can see his eyes darken even further, with lust, at my clear, verbal, confirmation of my enjoyment.

I'm not sure how long I have been doing it, but my hand is rubbing up and down his penis, pressing lightly against him, as my hand tries to encircle it.

This, too, feels amazing, it's like his pleasure is tingling into my hand and travelling up my arm into my body.

Every nerve, and inch of my skin, feels alive, and is buzzing with pleasure. His fingers never let up on my clitoris, but it is far from all he is concentrated on...his free hand seems to be everywhere at once, stroking my breasts, the sensitive skin of the underside of my arm, moving up the whole outside length of my leg, while his mouth is on my nipples, my neck, my lips...

My nipple drops out of his mouth, as he groans deeply, _"Stop Liv...you have to stop..."_

_"No Rafael, I want to pleasure you too...This feels...amazing...I want to see you climax from my touch, as much as you want to for me..."_

He rests his forehead against mine as my free hand goes to his cheek, _"You feel so good Rafael, don't stop me?..."_

His hand rests comfortably on my breast as his other hand just presses against me, but my hips are rocking lightly against his static hand. His hips are also moving against my hand and I watch him carefully, with a deep sense of achievement, as I feel his erection twitch slightly in my hand, his eyes close and I continue to gently stroke him. I feel him pull his hips away slightly and I move my hand to his chest, as I look into his slowly opening eyes.

I can feel his heart thumping away madly, as I smile at him, reaching for his lips.

As our lips meet, his fingers stroke me gently and I gasp. He alternates his movements, and his pressure on my clitoris, as his other hand plays with my breasts.

My own hand, last night, brought me pleasure, but it was nothing like this, this is...incredible...the sensations...

I can hear my own soft moans and muttered words, as he touches me. I can feel my climax building...it's going to be huge...there's such pressure...No...

_"No...No..."_

I'm not even aware of the words but he instantly is, he stills his movements as I try to pull away.

His hands immediately move to my face, looking me in the eye, _"It's ok Liv, I've stopped, I'm not going to hurt you...you are in complete control..."_

My breathing is fast, but not like it was only seconds ago, now I'm fighting back tears and sobs.

I throw myself into him and he immediately takes my cue, wrapping his arms around me as I start to sob. His reassurances and soft, comforting, words don't stop until I start to haltingly speak...

_"It...felt...too good...I couldn't...I was just... so...afraid...it makes...no...sense..."_

**_'When you try your best but you don't succeed_ **

**_When you get what you want but not what you need_ **

**_When you feel so tired but you can't sleep_ **

**_Stuck in reverse_ **

**_When the tears come streaming down your face_ **

**_When you lose something you can't replace_ **

**_When you love someone but it goes to waste_ **

**_Could it be worse?'_ **

_"It's ok Liv...It's ok...it does make sense...it does..."_

I pull my head back to look at him questioningly.

He moves back from me, pulling his legs tight to his body, _"Turn around Liv, lean back against me..."_ , I can immediately see what he is doing and I do as he says, turning around and leaning back against his chest. He wraps his arms around me as he rests my head against his shoulder, so he can look at me.

_"Are you ok Liv?"_

I just nod, suddenly feeling incredibly stupid...but he won't let me break eye contact...

_"Liv, it's not ridiculous...any of it...Did I hurt you or scare you?"_

I shake my head quickly.

_"So it was pleasurable?"_

I nod.

He seems to understand.

 _"It felt good..."_ I nod, _"And you felt your climax building?",_ again I nod, _"And then you just felt like it had to stop?"_ another nod...

_"Oh Liv, I'm sorry...it makes sense though, I think maybe your mind or your body panicked...for a second, you weren't sure of the circumstances...you were letting go, but in that moment of release, some part of you panicked..."_

I carefully consider what he is saying...it seems to make sense...it sounds like exactly what happened, it felt so amazingly good, I was sure I was going to climax really hard...my brain started to switch off completely...and then I was saying "No" and wanting it to stop...

He is watching me carefully as I bite my lip gently and nod.

_"It's ok Liv, you've tried to be in control for so long...it makes sense..."_

Hot tears burst forward again as I nod.

_"Don't feel discouraged Liv, this is still a huge progression...and now we know, that we need to do something to keep you in the moment when you start to feel close to climaxing...I could talk to you? Make sure to look at you? Maybe stroke your face?"_

**_'High up above or down below_ **

**_When you're too in love to let it go_ **

**_But if you never try you'll never know_ **

**_Just what you're worth'_ **

_"How do you know these things?",_ I ask through my tears...

_"I've been reading anything I could find for a while, Liv, researching as much as I could...since we first kissed really...so that I would be a bit more educated, if I ever got a chance with you...there is nowhere near enough out there that I can find, but I did find bits, one woman said that she was afraid of sex until her partner did some of these things, it made her feel more 'in the moment'...it's not exactly the same, but maybe it's similar enough that it would help...and I've read somewhere that when you try to just feel, when you switch off your thinking...your mind and body can panic..."_

I sniffle loudly _..."I hate this...I hate that all this is necessary...I felt so much pleasure...I can't make myself feel like that...I knew I was about to climax **hard**...I was excited...I wanted to feel it..."_

He can't help the relieved smirk at my words _..."Rafael, it felt like I had found my way through it, like my whole body was on the same page for once...I felt...sexual...and sexy...and when you climaxed from my touch...god I just wanted to jump you...right there and then...and it really felt like I could...I didn't care how wet I was, or how turned on I was, I wasn't feeling guilty or ashamed..."_

His hands rub my arms comfortingly, as his arms gently squeeze me tight to him...

_"Listen to your own words Liv, you have made huge progress, you can't hope to fix it all in one go...you weren't hurt in one five minute period...you can't heal in it either..."_

I nod softly as I begin to see beyond the despair...

**_'Tears stream down your face_ **

**_When you lose something you cannot replace_ **

**_Tears stream down your face'_ **

_"Are you sure...that touching me like that...that my reaction...was ok?"_ he asks quietly.

I take his face in my hands and kiss him deeply... _"It was a lot more than ok...I really enjoyed it...I want to pleasure you as much as you want to pleasure me...I was cursing your swim trunks for getting in my way..."_

He rolls his eyes but before he can speak I do, _"Let me guess, I'm going to be the death of you again?"_

_"Oh you have no idea Liv..."_

_"Yes I do Rafael, I really do...and I'm up for it, what a way to go..."_

_"... **death** of me...I'm telling you..."_

It's my turn to smirk at him.

_"C'mon Liv, this water is getting cold and I'm reckoning that a lot of it is on the bathroom floor after all that..."_

As we step out of the bath and he tenderly wraps a towel around my shoulders, I make a snap decision,

_"Rafael, you're right I think we do need to **talk** about disclosing our relationship...and Fin got some more information on Harris' death, I don't know what to do,... I need some advice and help deciding..."_

**_'Tears stream down your face_ **

**_I promise you I will learn from my mistakes_ **

**_Tears stream down your face_ **

**_And I_ **

**_Lights will guide you home_ **

**_And ignite your bones_ **

**_And I will try to fix you'_ **


	28. Sound of silence

_"Rafael, you're right I think we do need to **talk** about disclosing our relationship...and Fin got some more information on Harris' death, I don't know what to do,... I need some advice and help deciding..."_

He nods immediately but I can see he is slightly shaken by my mention of Harris. He clearly hasn't heard whatever information Fin has, and I can't decide if I'm disappointed or glad about this.

If he knew what the information was, he could factor that into helping me make a decision...but I'm also glad somehow, that the information is still under my control...

He gently pulls my hair out of the knot it had been pulled into, and runs his fingers through it. He starts to dry me off, softly toweling the skin of my upper body and arms with great care. Again, I feel adored, as he places small kisses all over me after he dries my skin.

He drops to his knees and repeats the process, as he dries first up one leg, tracing small kisses behind the towel before moving to the other one.

The irony doesn't escape me that as he dries me with such tenderness, he is simultaneously causing the opposite reaction in the part of my body he doesn't dry. As he completes his task and wraps a dry towel around me, I steal his idea and start to towel his chest.

He tries to take the towel from me, but I refuse, _"I like this idea...I'm stealing it..."_

I'm surprised at how erotic this is...such a mundane task has become an intensely intimate, and pleasurable experience.

As I dry his body, my kisses are much less innocent than his were, as I use my tongue to caress his skin. When I finish drying his torso and arms he gently pulls the towel from my hand _, "As much as I am **really** enjoying this Liv, you want to talk...we have plenty of time to finish this some other time..."_

I sigh as I am forced to concede that he is right.

 _"You're right Rafael..."_ something about the way I say it, hints to him that there is more I want to say.

He stops drying his thigh and looks at me questioningly _, "Liv, you can say or ask anything..."_

I'm somehow nervous now, and unsure...

He pulls me gently into his arms, _"What is it Liv? What are you thinking?"_

When I look into his sparkling green eyes, the words just tumble out, _"We need to finish drying off and dressing because we do need to talk, I need to talk...but, can I...I mean would you..."_ I take a deep breath, _"I haven't really seen...a naked man...since before...I'm worried..."_

He thinks for a moment, _"You want to see me?"_ he asks quietly.

 _"I know it's a bit weird, but maybe, like this, when there's no expectation..."_ my words tail off, before I realize the implication of them, _"I don't mean expectation from you...I mean before it feels like another failure if I'm a bit..."_ I shrug.

He tenderly caresses my cheek, _"It's not weird, and I understood what you meant, that's actually a really good idea...it takes some of the pressure off, if you are familiar with my body before either of us have any expectations."_

He dips his head to try and catch my eye, _"I'm not comfortable taking my bikini off..."_ I whisper, embarrassed.

_"That's ok Liv...I'm so glad that you can tell me that..."_

He gently guides my hands to the waistband of his trunks as he looks into my eyes, _"As I'm sure you can see, I'm still partly erect, so we can wait til another time if you'd be more comfortable?"_

I shake my head, _"Are you sure you don't mind, I know it's a bit weird...?'_

_"I don't mind at all Liv, I'm very comfortable here, with you...I'm not particularly shy, I just didn't want to change in front of you without your permission..."_

I meet his eyes as I nod softly. I knew he was careful about changing in front of me,... for me.

I take a deep breath and push his trunks down, not letting my eyes leave his face. When they are about halfway down his thighs they fall away and he steps out of them.

He gently takes my hand in his, saying nothing, content to just hold my hand and wait for me.

We are pretty much the same height and we are both standing, so he is not towering over me, I am not trapped or beneath him, he is not threatening me, he would not hurt me...

I was so worried about touching him, but not long ago I was happily rubbing him to climax, so it feels silly to be afraid to look down now.

I let out a very controlled breath and suck in another deep one as he takes a small step back, still holding my hand tightly, making it easier for me to see him, when I am ready.

He holds one of my hands, and I place my other one on his chest, over his heart, as I let my eyes slowly move down his body.

I take a shaky breath and force my eyes down the last little bit.

He is still erect. He's bigger than I realized...

I clamp my eyes shut, as memories try to interject.

_"It's ok Liv, I won't hurt you, I won't ever hurt you, I can cover up if you want me to..."_

I shake my head and it feels like my legs are shaking too.

I try to calm myself, forcing my eyes open again. I can feel his heart speed up under my hand, as he squeezes the hand he is holding.

_"Don't push yourself Liv if it's too much?"_

I'm still fighting memories as I again look at him, but the memories are more distant, less acute...

He's a good-looking guy and his body is lovely, and as I start to calm, I can accept all of him, much better.

 _"Are you ok Liv?"_ he asks softly, unsure how to interpret my silence.

I nod, _"I guess I knew that it would be hard to see you...at first...without seeing...something else..."_

I see his jaw clench tightly as he processes my words. I can see how desperately he wants to ask questions and I can see him battle not to.

I take another step back to see him as a whole being...this is so much easier, I'm seeing him, not just a part of his anatomy that scares me a little, no matter how hard I try not to let it.

As I look at the man before me, it feels like I'm seeing him as a whole being for the first time, instead of a collection of parts, and I can begin to admit to myself how scared I have really been. I've been trying to minimize how much fear and unease have all been wrapped up in just one body part, even to myself. It was never really a conscious decision, but it feels like a penis has somehow come to symbolize all the pain. I have no fear of Rafael, and I know no part of him is a threat to me, but I am finding it hard to break the connotations that this part, of even him, has for me.

It felt so good to be able to touch him, there, and now to look at his naked form, it reminds me that this is another step forward, but I still recognize that I have not lost that uneasy link that has grown up between an innocent body part and horror. It feels as ridiculous as blaming every gun for Johnny D's courtroom meltdown...

I know the admission of my feelings, even silently, to myself, is a good beginning. As is seeing the man before me, the whole man, not just the caring face with a razor sharp mind, the gentle hands, the nice shape, the fabulous mouth and tongue, and a hard penis, he is so much more than just all those parts... I find myself eager to really explore this whole man in a way I haven't before now.

_"You're a really good looking man Rafael"_

My words barely register as he is still internally fighting himself over my last words.

_"I know it's not fair Rafael, you deserve some sort of explanation of what I said...but I can't now...and I can't promise I'll be able to tomorrow, or even next week,...I'm sorry but it's locked away too deep..."_

His brow is furrowed deeply and I can see how difficult this is for him, so I try to give him something, anything, to calm the pain I can see.

 _"You know that Harris..."_ his name is a whisper, _"tried to pull my mouth onto... **him**..."_

He nods tightly.

 _"And Lewis..."_ another whisper, _" **he**... sexually assaulted me...many times over the four days..."_

I can see the lawyer in him, trying to narrow the legal parameters of sexual assault in conjunction with my previous words, to try and understand what I am attempting to tell him.

_"You chose your words very carefully Liv?"_

I nod, and I know that he is mentally discounting things that I could have described in a different term, but it seems to be little comfort to him.

I'm trying to mirror his mental wrangling, and from all of our sexual assault cases, and our intimate knowledge of the law, I know that he is in the right area now.

_"I know you want to know Rafael, that you need to know...but I can't. You know what I'm saying, you don't have the detail, but you understand?"_

He closes his eyes in an attempt to dismiss the images I have conjured, and nods sharply.

I kiss the hand that holds mine.

_"The memories tried to push their way out, and maybe for a second they did...but this is you...it's not the same, and I know that...I just need a little time to become more comfortable...but this is good, this way I'm seeing you as a whole person..."_

He starts to reach for me but his eyes unthinkingly, dart down, and he seems to reconsider it.

I step forward and he instinctively raises his arms to embrace me, as I cuddle into him.

_"I understand your reluctance Rafael, especially now...but trust me to tell you if I'm not comfortable...if I was only in my bikini bottoms now, this may be too much, but with this towel...Already, the...fear...is so much less...I'm not afraid of you, never you..."_

He nods again, _"I know that Liv, I just wasn't sure if it would be too much...I should have asked, or just held out my arms and let you decide..."_

_"Don't feel bad Rafael. I can't believe how well we're doing...even with the 'stumbles'...we're so much further forward than I ever thought we could be..."_

_"You are doing amazingly, Liv..."_

_"No Rafael, **we** are doing amazingly, I couldn't do it without you, you have been so patient, so understanding, so helpful...and you are one seriously **hot** man..."_

We kiss each other softly, hugging as tight as we possibly can and neither of us even considers his nakedness.

_"I'm just going to put on some clothes, then will you come lie in bed with me? I need some more of your amazingness?"_

He smiles and nods as I head towards the door, stopping once more to look at him. Now as I glance back at him, there is a lot less fear, and a small flutter of something very different...and I smile contentedly.

Very soon we are lying in our pajamas in bed, on our sides, with our hands intertwined, _"Fin came to me today to tell me he has some postmortem results and some preliminary investigation reports about **his** death, if I want them..."_

 _"You don't want to know?"_ he asks in surprise.

_"I don't know..."_

_"Tell me Liv?"_

_"It's really hard to explain Rafael...I'm not sure I can properly explain it...I'm really conflicted...I know what I want it to say, that high cholesterol, or high blood pressure or any number of the regular lifestyle indicators that cause a heart attack, were found, that it was almost an inevitable outcome, that there was no particular reason for it, that it was mundane and all too common..."_

He nods carefully, stroking my cheek and pushing my hair back.

_"I don't want to find out that he suffered... **that**. Or that he was being... **hurt**...and his heart gave out because of the stress. Or maybe worst of all, that he tried to help someone..."_

He can't try to hide his shock as the words leave my mouth, _"What? I don't understand Liv?"_

 _"I didn't think of it at first, it took a long time, someone kind of inadvertently gave me the idea...but that's maybe the worst possibility..."_ I can see he is completely lost... _"I don't want him to have been hurt, but over the years I've kindda built him up to be...some sort of devil...in my head..."_

As always when I get upset, I talk with my hands and I unconsciously pull them from him. He softly rests one hand on my hip, to allow me to still feel his presence and to try to reassure me, leaving his other hand, open between us, for me to grab when the need takes me.

_"I know that what he did was...horrific...that he hurt a lot of people...and that he killed Risa, possibly more than just her...but I know that there is also more to him than just those details...but to think that his final act...was a good one...it confuses me..."_

There are a couple of moments of silence before he speaks, _"Liv,...I don't know what to say...I just don't understand...I can understand why you don't want him to have been hurt, I don't think I share your feeling, but I can understand it, you explained it really well...but... **this**...he doesn't deserve your compassion..."_

_"It's not compassion for him Rafael,...it's the opposite..."_

He swipes his hand over his face distractedly, but when he drops his hand back between us, I grasp it tightly...

 _"I can't deal with the possibility that he isn't the devil I need him to be..."_ my words are barely a whisper...

This seems to register with him, _"Liv..."_ his voice is thick with emotion, _"I'd doubt that it's anything you really need to worry about..."_

 _"It is though..."_ and again tears start to flow, _"It feels like all I ever do is cry...I hate to be like this..."_

He pulls me to him, almost lifting me off the bed to completely envelop me in his arms, _"Explain it to me Liv?"_

 _"When...Lewis...died..."_ the words are so soft that he turns his head to my mouth, to be sure he can hear them, and **his** name is more mouthed than said, _"... **his** death, that **his** last words were that **he** wanted it to be the last thing I saw before I died... **he** was the devil I needed **him** to be, **he** showed no remorse, there were no hidden redeeming features displayed, **he** was evil...even in death..."_

I can feel him nod his agreement, confirming he has heard me and understands and agrees...

_"...if **he** had done something that wasn't evil in **his** last moments, or said something with **his** last breath...it would have made me doubt myself, it would have felt even more like it was my fault...like I caused it, as **he** said I did..."_

I can hear his horrified gasp but I continue before he can speak...

_"I don't want...Harris...to have not been hurt for **him** , It's for me... **he** has taken too much, of me, I don't want **him** to change me anymore...I want to keep my humanity...I can't give it up, it's all I have left...and I can't take any more guilt, or doubt, or blame...I'm not sure I can get out from under what's suffocating me as it is..."_

He is holding me as tight as he can without hurting me, and it still feels like he's far away...

_"I want to know, so badly...but I'm so scared...I know what **he** did to me, and to others...I know it happened...I know I didn't make it up, any of it...or make it bigger than it was... **he** didn't rape me but that doesn't mean it was ok...why does the fact that **he** didn't rape me make it less...I didn't make a big deal out of nothing ...this was a big deal...but still there's that doubt...and if **he** did something good as **he** died...it means **he** wasn't **that** monster...and this is all unnecessary...I'm like **this** for no reason...and I'm making you feel guilty about one orgasm, after all the times I've left you hot and bothered...I've got you so tied up in knots that you feel guilty about a fantasy...and I'm afraid to even ask about masturbating...I'm just breaking you the same way I broke Brian... you're a fucking saint and I can't make it work with you...I can't look at your naked body cos I'm terrified that I can't separate it from **him**...or worse I'll want you and everything **he** said about me just being a sexually frustrated, twisted cop, with nothing in her life but sick desires, will be true...I'm doing a job that's killing me slowly...and I can't help wondering how long it will be before you get fed up with being permanently turned on and left like that...and then will you just leave or will you just take it..."_

My hands clap over my mouth, but the words are already out, and as he pulls back from me and I see his face, I know they can never be unsaid.

 _"Are you fucking kidding me?"_ I can see, and hear his shock and anger in this few words, and I'm afraid.

I try to get up but he won't let me...and now I'm terrified...

 _"Just leave Rafael..."_ I demand.

_"No Liv you can't say **that** , and ask me to leave...No"_

He's too angry to see that I'm shaking slightly, and as he moves to try and catch my eye, the terror overcomes me...

 _"No...No..."_ I can hear my pleading voice as my body collapses in on itself, trying to protect itself as I scramble to get away...and I can hear my sobs clearly in the silence of the room.

**_'Hello darkness, my old friend_ **

**_I've come to talk with you again_ **

**_Because a vision softly creeping_ **

**_Left its seeds while I was sleeping_ **

**_And the vision that was planted_ **

**_In my brain still remains_ **

**_Within the sound of silence_ **

**_In restless dreams I walked alone_ **

**_Narrow streets of cobblestone_ **

**_'Neath the halo of a street lamp_ **

**_I turned my collar to the cold and damp_ **

**_When my eyes were stabbed by the flash of_ **

**_A neon light that split the night_ **

**_And touched the sound of silence_ **

**_And in the naked light I saw_ **

**_Ten thousand people, maybe more_ **

**_People talking without speaking_ **

**_People hearing without listening_ **

**_People writing songs that voices never share and no one dared_ **

**_Disturb the sound of silence_ **

**_Fools said I, you do not know_ **

**_Silence like a cancer grows_ **

**_Hear my words that I might teach you_ **

**_Take my arms that I might reach you_ **

**_But my words like silent raindrops fell_ **

**_And echoed in the wells of silence_ **

**_And the people bowed and prayed_ **

**_To the neon God they made_ **

**_And the sign flashed out its warning_ **

**_In the words that it was forming_ **

**_And the signs said, 'The words of the prophets_ **

**_Are written on the subway walls and tenement halls'_ **

**_And whispered in the sound of silence'_ **

****

****

**_A/N "Sound of silence"_ ** **by _Simon and Garfunkel..._**


	29. Just give me a reason

**_"Just give me a reason"_ ** **by _Pink..._**

****

****

_"No Liv you can't say **that** and ask me to leave...No"_

I'm too angry to see that she is shaking slightly, and as I move to try and catch her eye, the terror overcomes her...

 _"No...No..."_ I can hear her pleading voice as her body collapses in on itself, trying to protect herself, as she scrambles to get away...and I can hear her sobs clearly in the silence of the room.

 _"Liv..."_ I start.

_"Get out Rafael!"_

_"I'll just be outside..."_

_"No, you won't...Leave!"_

My already, pale face whitens even further.

_"I mean it Rafael...I don't want you in my home."_

I know I must look sick, as I stand unmoving, looking at her.

_"LEAVE!"_

Her raised voice is finally enough to move me, and I reluctantly pick up my bag and walk towards my bedroom door.

_"I'll call you in an hour..."_

_"No. I don't want to hear from you."_

My hand scrubs across my face, and I open my mouth once again...

_"Just stop talking Rafael, and leave..."_

I swallow deeply, attempting to nod as I walk out of the room. I take a second to change out of the pajama pants into the jeans I threw into the bag and pull on my shoes.

I'm still very much in a daze as I close her front door behind me.

I pass the staircase on my way to the elevator, and just find myself sitting on the first step, completely unable to figure out what has happened.

**_'Right from the start_ **

**_You were a thief_ **

**_You stole my heart_ **

**_And I your willing victim_ **

**_I let you see the parts of me_ **

**_That weren't all that pretty_ **

**_And with every touch you fixed them'_ **

I rest the side of my head against the cold wall, and my hand runs through my hair.

**What happened?**

Can she really believe she has any blame in what **they** did?

But as I just think the words, ...I know she does believe it. I know it's all too common to feel these things but...how can she feel like **that**?

I'll never forget her words as long as I live; she's worried that somehow **he** is not the monster she thinks **he** is?

She feels guilty for making a "big deal" out of being kidnapped, held captive at gunpoint, and assaulted for **four** days? For nearly being raped by a psychopathic criminal who raped a teenager, killed her mother and kidnapped her sister, just to lure Liv back into his clutches. Then he attempted to rape Liv and forced her to play 'Russian Roulette'...she thinks that's not a big deal?

She doesn't think her difficulties are reasonable after nearly being raped in a basement by a guy who beat the hell out of her? Does she really think she should be ok after all of that just because they couldn't rape her? They couldn't rape her because she fought them so hard...

I'm shaking my head continuously...I knew she felt guilt, but god, nothing like this...how can she doubt herself? Almost to the point that she doubts it happened?

**_'Now you've been talking in your sleep, oh, oh_ **

**_Things you never say to me, oh, oh_ **

**_Tell me that you've had enough_ **

**_Of our love, our love_ **

**_Just give me a reason_ **

**_Just a little bit's enough_ **

**_Just a second we're not broken just bent_ **

**_And we can learn to love again_ **

**_It's in the stars_ **

**_It's been written in the scars on our hearts_ **

**_We're not broken just bent_ **

**_And we can learn to love again'_ **

I'm shaking pretty badly and I'm terrified to think of what state she is in?

As a third person walks by me, looking at me suspiciously as I sit on the staircase, I move to head out to my car before someone calls the police on me...

I fall into the car, jabbing the keys into the ignition to turn the heat on, as I shiver lightly.

Her words continue to swirl inside my head until I have to throw open the door to vomit.

Wiping my mouth, I sit back into the car, resting my head against the seat.

She thinks I would take what she doesn't want to, or can't, give me? She can't really mean that...she couldn't cover her mouth quick enough, after the words were out, it was as if she was trying to stop the words, or push them back in...but was that because she regretted saying them or because she didn't mean them? I know the answer, and the sinking feeling in my stomach, and revived nausea, make sure I can't deny it.

She meant them, she regretted saying them, but she meant them.

My stomach lurches and I throw open the door once again.

I want to cry as I throw up, but there are no tears.

**_'I'm sorry I don't understand_ **

**_Where all of this is coming from_ **

**_I thought that we were fine_ **

**_(Oh, we had everything)_ **

**_Your head is running wild again_ **

**_My dear we still have everythin'_ **

**_And it's all in your mind_ **

**_(Yeah, but this is happenin')'_ **

She really thinks I would force myself on her...

I have the most vague, insight that I desperately try to refuse, when I can't bring myself to use the 'r'-word. It is just not possible to use **that** word now...it will not come out of my lips.

I know she needs space, but I want, more than anything, to run back up to her, to take her in my arms, to reassure her.

But how can I reassure her, that I would never force myself on her? How can you prove something that could never happen?

To see her scuttling away from me, in such terror...was horrifying.

I try to tell myself it wasn't me she was running from ...but it was. I could see it in her eyes, she knew where she was, she knew who I was...

Why did I let her see I was angry she thought I could force myself on her?

**Christ!**

How could I not be angry about that?

But I scared her so badly...

And what was I thinking to try and stop her from getting up?

I know so much better than that. That was just pure, unadulterated, stupidity! I didn't touch her, I only put my arm out in her path...but...I can only imagine what she thought the angry guy in her bed was doing?

I know I should give her space but I can't resist the urge to send her a quick text...

_[Liv, I hope you are ok, I'm so sorry for scaring you. I really would never hurt you, but I understand my reactions scared you, and for that I am truly sorry. I'm here when you're ready to talk? At any time? And please just let me know that you are ok? We can talk about anything, we can sort this out... You are amazing.]_

I hit send and watch the message deliver.

I anxiously wait for the bubbles that will let me know she is typing back, but the screen doesn't change. I keep tapping it to stop it from locking, in the hopes that those bubbles will appear, but after 20 minutes, I'm forced to admit she is not going to answer me.

The panic is escalating as her words continue to play in my head.

**_'Just give me a reason_ **

**_Just a little bit's enough_ **

**_Just a second we're not broken just bent_ **

**_And we can learn to love again_ **

**_I never stopped_ **

**_You're still written in the scars on my heart_ **

**_You're not broken just bent_ **

**_And we can learn to love again_ **

**_Oh, tear ducts can rust_ **

**_I'll fix it for us_ **

**_We're collecting dust_ **

**_But our love's enough'_ **

Why does she think **she** made me feel guilty for that orgasm? Or for my fantasy? Why does she think **she** has me tied up in knots?

Any of those things would be my problem, not hers. Any guilt I feel is mine.

And what did she mean by that masturbation comment? She said she was afraid to ask about it? Does that mean she doesn't want to know? Or that she does and doesn't want to invade my privacy? Or was she talking about herself?

She thinks she's breaking me? How could I let her think that? I feel better than I nearly, ever have, with her in my life. I don't care about a few stumbles. I don't care about a few unresolved erections...if it bothers me, I'm perfectly capable of taking care of it myself. None of it matters... She is much more important to me than sex, she's much more than a sexual outlet. I want to be able to help her rediscover her sexual side because **she** wants it. I'd be lying if I said I didn't desire her, and that I don't want to make love to her, because I do. But I want to be with her much more than I want to just have sex with her...

I'm no saint. Why does she think I'm a saint...Because I haven't pushed her to have sex? How can she not know that this is the very least that she deserves? That anyone deserves?

I hate that she is afraid of my body but it comes as no surprise. It makes sense. After everything she has been through it would be more surprising to me if she had no fear. She has made huge leaps forward.

**_'You've been havin' real bad dreams, oh, oh_ **

**_You used to lie so close to me, oh, oh_ **

**_There's nothing more than empty sheets_ **

**_Between our love, our love_ **

**_Oh, our love, our love_ **

**_You're holding it in_ **

**_You're pouring a drink_ **

**_No nothing is as bad as it seems_ **

**_We'll come clean'_ **

**Fuck!**

Was she pushing herself too hard to satisfy me?

The hours tick by in a blur of unresolved questions, until the very first streaks of daybreak start to show in the sky.

A quick check of the clock tells me it's 4:36am. I can only hope she is sleeping, and I decide to go home to shower and change, then head back here when she is up and getting ready for work.

By 5:59 I am sitting in my car again, outside her building, showered and shaved, in a fresh suit, waiting impatiently for my self imposed time of 6:30 to arrive, so I can knock on her door.

At 6:20 my patience are exhausted and I let myself in the main door of her building, consoling myself that she is up and getting ready, and I nearly made it to my own deadline...

As I tap gently on her door I'm surprised when Lucy answers. I can only look at her...

_"Oh hey Rafael, she got called in really early this morning. Sorry, of course you know that, does she need something?"_

I force myself to speak, muttering slightly...

_"Of course, I just thought she might have gotten home for breakfast...no, no, it's fine. Thank you Lucy."_

As I turn to leave, I automatically return Noah's giggling wave as he sits in his high chair, stuffing cheerios into his mouth.

_"Have a nice day Lucy."_

_"You too"_ she echoes, as a howl from Noah announces the fall of his breakfast, and she grins apologetically as she closes the door and goes to tend to a sobbing Noah.

I try not to let his sobs penetrate my brain as my head rests against the wall, refusing to admit that I had probably left his mother in a similar state a few hours ago.

Minutes later I find myself sitting on the stairs again, as I pull my phone from my pocket, calling her number. The ringing goes unanswered.

I try not to panic further, as I head out to the car. I'm going to the precinct.

As I pull up, I worry about disturbing her at work, so I call her again. She still doesn't answer.

Willing down the alarmed feelings filling me, I try to stroll calmly, into the precinct, immediately surprised to find the squad room quiet, as I step out of the elevator.

I can see her crouched form behind the closed door of her office, and some of the panic immediately subsides. My relief is short lived as I recognize that she is ignoring my calls.

I stride towards her office, carefully tamping down my anger.

I knock lightly on the door before opening it. As she lifts her head from the folder on her desk, I can see she hasn't slept. She is showered, her hair is done, her face is lightly made up, but her eyes give her away. They are red rimmed, bloodshot and slightly puffy.

She says nothing as I step into the small room, closing the door behind me.

_"I'm sorry I scared you Liv...I would never hurt you..."_

She looks at me wearily, and now I feel real terror, as I look into her dead eyes.

_"I know, and you have nothing to apologize for."_

It is her voice but it is lacking the spark that is Liv.

_"I'm sorry but this just isn't going to work out...you're still our ADA, and I'd like us to stay friends?"_

I drop into the chair behind me, completely unprepared for her words.

_"What do you mean Liv?"_

_"You heard me Counselor, you didn't do anything, it just wasn't working...we still need to work together so let's not make this awkward."_

**Awkward...is she for real?**

The memory of last night stops me from showing the anger that rises inside me.

I take a deep breath before I speak, choosing my words carefully...

_"If that's how you feel Liv, I wouldn't force you, but we need to talk about it."_

I'm quite proud of my restraint, and my calmness despite the storm that is raging full-force inside me.

_"No we don't. Just let it go!"_

None of this is Liv. She is never this cold. I've never known her to be this **dead**...

A flash of memory hits me, she was like this in the aftermath of Lewis...this unresponsive, frozen, numb façade was what left of her at first.

This is no longer about me, or our relationship, I'm alarmed for her. What happened last night? Clearly something was underneath the surface that I missed...

_"Liv, if this is what you really want...it's not what I want, I want to be with you, but please, you're not your usual self...even if we are only friends, please tell me you are ok?"_

_"I'm fine, Counselor. Now I have work to do..."_

Her head drops back down to the file and I can only sit there in shock. I'm sure now that something much more than I understood, happened last night.

I continue to sit there looking at her.

After a few moments she gets up and slams open the door, _"Get Out!"_ she hisses.

A few heads raise at the sound and she looks close to tears, so I quietly get to my feet and leave.

The door slams again, behind me, as I stumble into the hallway.

This time there are more curious glances and raised eyebrows, but I couldn't care less about them.

I reluctantly pull out my phone debating carefully, as my finger hovers over a number.

I'm very aware that I can't do much more damage to our relationship so I press call.

**_'Just give me a reason_ **

**_Just a little bit's enough_ **

**_Just a second we're not broken just bent_ **

**_And we can learn to love again_ **

**_It's in the stars_ **

**_It's been written in the scars on our hearts_ **

**_That we're not broken just bent_ **

**_And we can learn to love again'_ **

_"Tutuola"_ he answers brusquely.

 _"Fin, I'm sorry for calling so early but..."_ I have no idea what to say, I haven't thought it through past the point of making the call.

_"Barba, is everything ok?"_

I sink onto one of the benches as I ponder this _..."No, I don't think it is..."_

I know I have his undivided attention now. _"What time do you think you'll be in work?"_

_"Bout 10 minutes"_

_"I'm just outside the squad, I'll see you then."_

Nobody pays me any heed as I sit on the bench looking at my phone ticking through the minutes, frantically trying to figure out what to do.

Six minutes later the elevator doors ping, and Fin comes bounding out.

_"What's wrong?"_

I'm not at all embarrassed about telling him every detail of what happened last night, from the moment I arrived, to the moment I left her apartment but I'm conscious of her privacy...

 _"We hit a bit of an obstacle last night,..."_ I deliberately meet his eyes, _"I'm not trying to hide anything, I will tell you every detail if I'm right, and it helps her...I'm worried about her...can you see if you think she is ok?"_

His eyes narrow as he ponders what I am saying. I can see him take in my anxiousness.

_"Please Fin, if you think she is ok then fine, end of conversation, I don't want to invade her privacy unnecessarily...but if you don't think she is...I want to help her...no matter what...and she kicked me out of her office..."_

He just nods simply, as he walks away.

I look blankly, into the vending machine as I try not to watch the seconds tick by on my phone.

He is back very quickly and he looks like he could gladly kill me.

 _"Barba, what the fuck did you do?"_ he hisses angrily.

_"So she's not ok?'_

He just looks at me, like he could rip my head off and the stupid question isn't helping his restraint.

 _"What happened?"_ I ask, I know I'm pushing my luck but I need to know and am willing to risk it.

_"I went in to say good morning, she looks awful,... so I asked if she's ok, she snapped at me but with absolutely no emotion, she's not herself at all..."_

I shake my head, trying not to let the tears out.

_"Can we talk somewhere?"_

_"I warned you not to hurt her"_ he growls as he stalks off.

I follow him up to the roof and I can't help but wonder if we are here, so he can throw me off if he doesn't like what I have to say?

I turn to him, _"I don't know what is important so I'm tempted to tell you everything...I'll try to filter the too much information but..."_

_"I don't care about too much information, what the fuck did you do to her?"_

I take a deep breath and start at the end of the night where I think things went astray...but I'm more than willing to give him every last detail...

_"We had a pretty good night...sometimes she pushes herself a bit too hard, but it was nothing big, and we were able to talk about it, as we have done many times...she seemed to feel good...we were lying in bed talking, she wanted to talk about the information you got on Harris..."_

His eyes close briefly, and his jaw tenses.

_"She was trying to explain her fears, she's afraid to find out..."_

He nods in agreement.

_"She sees three possible outcomes, it was a regular heart attack, he was being attacked and his heart just gave out, or he tried to help someone somehow and he keeled over..."_

I can see him mulling them over, trying to preempt...

_"The regular heart attack is obvious,... she doesn't want him to have been attacked, even though he was a raping ex CO..."_

_"She doesn't want anyone to experience that..."_ he finishes for me, grimacing.

I can only nod, trying not to get distracted by the fact he seems to share my feelings on the subject.

_"The third possibility she said was the worst...I couldn't understand it, she tried to explain it to me...that if he was doing something good...he's not the devil she needs him to be...I wasn't getting it, and the harder she tried to explain it,...she started to say stuff..."_

He steps closer to me.

_"Like how the way Lewis died meant...that it wasn't her fault...because he was evil...that Harris being "hurt" would just take more of her, her humanity...and that if he died doing something good she'd doubt herself, somehow doubt that it happened,... that she felt like she was making a big deal out of it, that all her 'difficulties' are unnecessary if he's not the devil she thinks he is, that she's breaking me like she broke Cassidy, that she has me tied up in knots and feeling guilty about an orgasm...she made a comment I don't really understand about masturbation, I don't know was she talking about herself or me...she said she was barely able to look at me naked without remembering **him** , or worse that she was terrified that she'd want me and that would make all Lewis' taunts about her being a frustrated, sick, lonely, woman true...she said her job is killing her,... and that she wonders how long it will be before I get fed up with being turned on and left like that, and will I leave her, or just take what I want..."_

I don't even see the movement, but all of a sudden he has the front of my shirt and he is in my face, silently questioning...

_"Of course not Fin...I'd never hurt her..."_

He seems to consider this as he lets me go.

_"She clapped her hands over her mouth, but she'd said it...I was angry, I asked was she fucking kidding?, and she told me to leave...it's happened before, when she has panicked, and we can talk about it, we've made a plan that she will try not to ask me to leave the apartment, but I have to leave the room if she asks...sometimes she doesn't mean it but when she has meant it we agreed on a time I would leave for... She went to get up and I put my arm up in her path...I didn't touch her, but I know I fucked up big time...I wanted to try to talk to her and she was trying to run away...I didn't think...it was so stupid, I know..."_

That murderous look is back in his eyes as he glowers at me...

_I told her she couldn't say what she had and ask me to leave..."_

_"Did you shout at her?"_

I shake my head.

 _"I moved to catch her eye, just my head...but she was terrified...she started sobbing and saying no, and crawling away...she told me to leave again, I told her I'd be outside, but she kicked me out of the apartment, I told her I'd call her in an hour, but she said she didn't want to hear from me...I sent her one text last night, I can show you it"_ , I pull out my phone, handing it to him, _"I swung by her apartment this morning, well, I sat in the car half the night in case she needed me, and when I reckoned she was asleep I went home and showered and went back to check on her when I knew she'd be up. Lucy said she was called in very early this morning, so I called her, she didn't answer, so I drove here, I called her again in case she was working and when she didn't answer again, I was worried so I came in. She was in her office and she clearly hadn't slept and had been crying, she told me we weren't working and she wants to stay friends but she was so emotionless, dead...I told her we needed to talk, and she slammed the door open, told me to get out, then slammed it closed behind me...so I called you..."_

When I finish the silence is deafening.

_"She really said you might "take" what you wanted?"_

I nod sadly.

_"And she covered her mouth...like she was trying to take back the words?"_

Again I nod.

_"And when you were angry about it, you didn't shout or touch her?"_

_"I pulled back from her and didn't shout."_

_"But she knew you were angry?"_

I nod, " _My face was one of disbelief and I said 'are you fucking kidding me?'..."_

_"And that's when she asked you to leave...angrily?"_

I consider his question, trying to replay it in my head.

_"No that's when she tried to get up...I can't believe I did that, it was so fucking stupid...then she asked me to leave, 'Just leave Rafael'...she didn't sound angry really..."_

He says nothing just starts to stride towards the door.

I call after him, _"I didn't mean to hurt her, please Fin, make sure she's ok, and if she never wants to see me again I'll get transferred as quick as I can, but just make sure she's ok, and if I can do anything or she needs anything...?"_

He nods curtly and disappears, as I slide to the ground, and unashamedly let the tears flow.

**_'Just give me a reason_ **

**_Just a little bit's enough_ **

**_Just a second we're not broken just bent_ **

**_And we can learn to love again_ **

**_It's in the stars_ **

**_It's been written in the scars on our hearts_ **

**_That we're not broken just bent_ **

**_And we can learn to love again_ **

**_Oh, we can learn to love again_ **

**_Oh, we can learn to love again_ **

**_Oh, oh, that we're not broken just bent'_ **


	30. Standing outside the fire

**_'Life is not tried, it is merely survived_ **

**_If you're standing outside the fire'_ **

**Liv is fed up surviving, she wants to live, even for all it's inherent dangers. She’s scared but still trying ...**

**_"Standing outside the fire"_ ** **by _Garth Brooks..._**

****

****

I'm not in the form for visitors, and as Fin strolls into my office I have the distinct impression, this is definitely not the visitor I want at this moment.

My nose is all stuffy and it feels like I've been gargling on grit, my head is thumping and I'm exhausted and it's not even starting time yet...and I've already snapped at him once today. At least the tears have stopped, but this morning is anything but good.

_"So Liv, what's going on?"_

I roll my eyes at the question. Why couldn't I keep it together when he said I looked like crap? All I did by snapping and kicking him out, was invite this. If I'd told him I had a bad night, he would have offered to talk, and left me alone when I declined.

_"I'm sorry Fin, I didn't really sleep well, and I'm a bit grouchy..." I try to add a smile, but it feels much more like a grimace._

_"From the looks of you Liv, I'd say you didn't sleep at all, and you're more than grouchy..."_

Fuck being nice so!

_"I'm not in the form Fin, just butt out of my business!"_

_"Why Liv if you're 'fine'...?"_

He almost seems to be baiting me, so I hold my tongue and try to content myself with glowering at him.

_"So have you thought about Harris' details?"_

_"I've been busy..."_ I force out unconvincingly.

He shakes his head at me.

I bite down on my lip to stop the tears that are threatening to break through.

He leaves the silence to take hold, as he watches me carefully.

I try to swallow the resurging sobs, until they choke me, and I start to cough. The tears and sobs take full advantage of this coughing fit to burst out, and as they start to clash with the coughs, it feels like I can't breathe.

He is up and out of his chair in seconds, grabbing me a bottle of water, opening it and passing it to me, _"Calm down Liv, take slow deep breaths, don't try to fight it all...it's ok Liv, it's ok..."_

I take a sip of water and take deep breaths as he is trying to show me to do...the more the coughing subsides, the worse the sobs seem to become...

As tears spill down my face, he stands up and locks the door quickly, pulling the blinds on the windows that face the squad.

_"It's ok Liv, let it out...you're ok..."_

I cry bitterly, for at least 15 minutes, maybe more...while he crouches beside me with his hand gently on my knee.

When the sobs start to fade, he looks at me carefully and hands me the bottle of water again.

_"Are you ok Liv?"_

I nod my head gently.

 _"What's wrong?"_ he asks.

I just shrug at him.

He gives me a warning look, that he is not buying that...

I try to distract him by reaching for the water again. He watches me take another sip and when I still say nothing, he waits another minute before asking, _"What happened last night Liv?"_

My eyes bug out at his question.

He can't know anything, he is only putting my lack of sleep together with the tears, so I just play dumb.

_"You realized something you'd never noticed before, when all those feelings were spilling out, didn't you?"_

My mouth falls open, there's no way he could know _..."Rafael..."_

It's not a question it has to have been him.

 _"He had no right..."_ I spit out angrily...my fists clenching in rage at his betrayal.

_"Yes he did Liv, he wasn't trying to punish you or hurt you or invade your privacy, he was worried about you...and he was right to be worried, wasn't he ...he did it because he cares...we all do..."_

Again silence descends.

_"That's what happened though isn't it, you realized something that hurt like hell?"_

All the fight is gone from me now, as the rage deserts me. I can't fight anymore, it's too hard to maintain this war on all fronts,...I'm exhausted, not just from one night's lack of sleep, but from years of trying to keep it all under wraps, so I just nod, the tiniest movement but it is a beginning.

_"What was it Liv?"_

I shake my head, _"I can't...",_ I whisper.

_"Liv this isn't an option, look at the state of you, you need to talk...it doesn't have to be to me, you could talk to Amanda, or Carisi, or I'm sure we could get your doc ... or Rafael?"_

At the mention of his name I shake my head certainly.

 _"Did he do something Liv?"_ he asks, and I can see he is getting ready to kick his ass if I say yes.

**_'We call them cool_ **

**_Those hearts that have no scars to show_ **

**_The ones that never do let go_ **

**_And risk the tables being turned'_ **

_"No Fin, he didn't, he's been amazing, so patient, so thoughtful, so caring...he's hardly put a foot wrong at all...he definitely wouldn't hurt me..."_

_"Ok but you need to talk about this, this has obviously gotten to you really badly...?."_

I nod bitterly.

_"Do you want me to get someone else Liv?"_

I don't hesitate to shake my head.

_"So tell me Liv, this is between us...no one else needs to know..."_

_"He told you what happened?"_

He nods.

 _"All of it?"_ I whisper...

He nods softly, _"And you know how hard it was for him to do that..."_

It's my turn to nod.

I take a deep breath, and push the words out before I can reconsider it, _"He couldn't understand why the worst possibility was that **he** died doing something good..."_

He nods to tell me he knows that we are talking about, and gestures for me to continue.

_"I was trying to explain...I needed **him** to be a monster, I built **him** up be a monster... if **he** wasn't a monster...it's like everything I built on was wrong...like all my progress was built on quicksand and it was starting to give..."_

_"You know that's not true Liv..."_ he lets out a huge sigh, _"I can't really understand feeling like that, but I've seen enough to get the idea..."_

_"Stuff started to come out of my mouth, I didn't really have control over it, the words were tumbling out...my emotions were all over the place...I said so much more than I meant to...I said things I never meant to..."_

The sobs start again in earnest.

_"I'm sorry Fin."_

_"Don't apologize Liv, why do you think you have to be strong all the time? You don't! I can't imagine how hard this is...how hard it has **all** been...for years...You need to break down sometimes...it's not a weakness, it's a strength...if these feelings stay bottled up, I can't imagine the damage they're doing?"_

With these words he pulls me up and wraps his arms around me.

 _"What did you realize Liv?"_ he whispers into my ear.

_"It's all true Fin...I really feel like that...like I'm making a big deal out of nothing...like it shouldn't matter, because **they** didn't rape me...like if there's any good in **them** , then **this** is all unnecessary...like I'm breaking Rafael the same way I broke Brian...like I'm afraid of Rafael's body, no matter how hard I try not to be, just because it's like **theirs**...like if I am not afraid of him, if I actually want him, then everything Lewis said is true, that I am the sick one, that I wanted it...it's all killing me..."_

I can see how much my words are hurting him, _"What else Liv?"_

I shake my head, still trying to deny the worst of it...

 _"Liv..."_ he looks me straight in the eye, _"You need to say it..."_

_"He's a fucking saint Fin, Rafael has been a fucking saint...he really has...he has done everything for me...he has been so patient...he has been so good...he has helped me so much...but..."_

_"It's ok Liv..."_

_"...but...I really am afraid...I know he wouldn't hurt me...he has said it so many times, and everything he does confirms it...I **know** he wouldn't hurt me...I really **believe** he wouldn't hurt me...but somewhere deep inside, I'm afraid he will get fed up and just take what I'm not able to give him...After all he has done for me, I'm afraid he's no different from **them**...that I can somehow push him to that..."_

**_'We call them fools_ **

**_Who have to dance within the flame_ **

**_Who chance the sorrow and the shame_ **

**_That always comes with getting burned'_ **

He can feel the shaking that courses through me as he lowers me back into my chair, kneeling in front of me, keeping his eyes on mine as he holds both my hands...

" _I never meant to say it, I didn't want to hurt him...I'm already breaking him, he shouldn't have to feel guilty, he shouldn't have to be worrying all the time...I'm making Rafael **their** victim too...I'm letting **them** continue to hurt people from beyond the grave, I'm doing **their** job for them... I'm tying Rafael into knots and then when he rightly gets angry that I would say something so horrific, something that could never be true... I was really terrified of him...he was angry but he didn't shout, he didn't touch me, he did nothing to cause it, but I was terrified...he was angry because of what I said but he was willing to talk, I was too scared...I was truly afraid of him...Fin why was I afraid of Rafael? He wouldn't hurt me...And if I can't make things work with a saint...I will never be able to...my trust is gone...my hope is gone..."_

**_'But you've got to be tough when consumed by desire_ **

**_'Cause it's not enough just to stand outside the fire'_ **

_"You were scared Liv, because your defenses are set too high, they always are, your default state is to be on high alert, you've been so badly hurt...and not just once...at work you can cope with all the triggers and dangers, I don't know how, but you can...but outside, its harder...you feel so much guilt, so much shame, you're so determined that no one will ever get the drop on you again, that everything feels like a threat...you were scared because history has taught you, you need to be scared or bad things happen..."_

**_'We call them strong_ **

**_Those who can face this world alone_ **

**_Who seem to get by on their own_ **

**_Those who will never take the fall'_ **

I nod.

_"You trust him, but you were still afraid...?"_

Another nod.

_"And why is that not ok?"_

This surprises me. How can it be ok to be afraid of someone you know wouldn't hurt you?

_"Because I trust him..."_

_"Why can you not trust him and still be afraid?"_

_"They're opposing feelings Fin..."_

_"What makes you think that Liv? What I see is that the trust you have in him is worth more, because you can be afraid of him and it doesn't change that trust. Unless it has?"_

I shake my head. _"I still trust him, I don't trust myself..."_

**_'We call them weak_ **

**_Who are unable to resist_ **

**_The slightest chance love might exist_ **

**_And for that forsake it all'_ **

_"Look Liv, I think that you are learning to trust yourself again...you did nothing wrong but everything that has happened has shaken you...but it's going to take time... As you pointed out, your private life is none of my business but if you still trust him and he did nothing wrong, why are you splitting up with him?"_

_"I don't want to hurt him...he isn't protecting himself from me...so I need to do it for him...I'm just not ready...I may never be ready..."_

_"Ready for what Liv? For sex? I'm pretty sure that's not his biggest concern by a mile..."_

I shake my head again, _"No Fin, for any of it, for a relationship, to trust someone, to be open, to try..."_

I can see him really think about my words, _"What does ready look like Liv?"_

I shrug.

He waits for me to find an answer.

_"Not like this..."_

_"I think you're confusing readiness with perfection ..you want things to be perfectly normal, to not have any of these difficulties..."_

_"That's how it should be Fin..."_

_"Liv, it's not reality...I wish more than anything, it was, but it's not...Lewis and Harris, they both existed, they both hurt you, every single thing you feel is warranted, none of it is ridiculous or somehow overly dramatic...but being ready is about being willing to try...with honesty and a lot of effort..."_

_"I don't think I can Fin. It hurts too much..."_

_"I understand that Liv. I can't imagine how much pain you have been through...but is this pain the same? And does not trying, really stop it?"_

Another shrug _..."I don't know."_

_"If this is the end, will you miss him Liv?"_

**_'There's this love that is burning_ **

**_Deep in my soul_ **

**_Constantly yearning to get out of control_ **

**_Wanting to fly higher and higher_ **

**_I can't abide_ **

**_Standing outside the fire'_ **

The tears that never really stopped, speed up exponentially, as I start to picture him being gone...I nod deeply, feeling even more pain.

 _"So much Fin..."_ I sob.

_"So why end things?"_

_"I can't let him be **their** victim too...I can't keep hurting him...I can't let myself rely on him..."_

_"Liv, you can't stop the effect of what **they** did on everyone who cares about you...much as you never blamed Amanda for how we all felt about what Patton did to her...she was never to blame for how we felt and the effects we all experienced...it wasn't her fault...and the damage was done by Patton, and once it all came to light it was done...she couldn't have stopped it, anymore than you can protect Rafael...that damage was done long before now, because someone he cares about was hurt, that's the damage...he was there for you during Lewis' trial wasn't he?"_

I nod. _"We weren't together, nothing happened between us, but he was there for me..."_

_"That trial nearly killed him Liv...we could see it swallowing him whole...the same way we could see it pulling you back down..."_

_"It wasn't the cathartic experience I expected. I know court is about legal justice not somehow purifying you, but there was no sense of closure, or any sense of freedom, or healing, or even any sense of strength at standing up to him...it just made it all worse...it's just a vicious, 'he said-she said' argument where only facts count, and feelings don't matter, in some ways the truth doesn't even matter. I was so glad to be spared a trial after the second time...it kept it all much more private..."_

_"Is that not hard in its own way?"_

_"A bit...I didn't feel so on display, but maybe I did feel more guilty, because I didn't have to keep listening to people telling me it wasn't my fault as I was forced to admit every tiny detail..."_

He nods carefully taking in every word I say.

_"Have you ever spoken to each other about the trial?_

I shake my head quickly.

_"Don't you think that maybe you should? You both shared so much of it..."_

_"I think he feels guilty about it..."_

_"Do you think he should feel guilty?_

_"God no...he did absolutely everything he possibly could...he couldn't win, but he couldn't do anymore than he did..."_

_"Maybe he needs to hear that Liv and maybe you need to say it..."_

I consider his words...

_"It's too late...what I said to him was unforgivable...and I was horrible to him this morning, and last night...even he, can only take so much..."_

_"Liv, the only thing he kept saying to me, was to make sure you were ok, he was happy to tell me every little detail, with no embarrassment, for you, he was quite willing to risk my rage for you...he's probably still sitting upstairs...and his last words as I came down here, were that he would get transferred as quickly as he could, if you want him to, if you don't want to see him anymore...the guy is crazy about you, **I** was even impressed by Mr. Workaholic, only cares about his job, Barba being willing to just get a transfer if that's what it took..."_

He allows his words to sink in before he continues.

_"Liv, if you want him gone, I'll support you and I'll make sure he stays out of your way, but he sat outside your apartment last night in case you needed him...and if you don't want to hurt him, I'm pretty sure the broken heart he's nursing is hurting..."_

This hits home hard...

_"I don't think I can...Fin it's too hard..."_

_"Do you believe you really deserve him Liv? To be loved?"_

I get nervous and embarrassed at the same time. This is one question he doesn't force me to answer...

_"You do Liv, you deserve to be loved, you deserve him...he's a good guy, but he'd be lucky to have you..."_

I can't keep the red from my cheeks and can't make eye contact with him.

_"I'm sure he's still upstairs waiting, why don't you go talk to him Liv, you don't have to make any decisions now...I'm sure he'd just be delighted to see you...?"_

I want to see him, I want to feel his arms around me, but I'm sure he'll still be angry at me...and I can't blame him...

 _"Come on Liv..."_ Fin says sticking his hand out to me. I look at it carefully, chewing my lip as I consider the consequences.

_"I'm not trying to punish him, or even me...I really don't know if I can..."_

_"One small step at a time Liv?"_

I grasp his hand and nod slightly.

**_'They're so hell-bent on giving, walking a wire_ **

**_Convinced it's not living if you stand outside the fire_ **

**_Standing outside the fire_ **

**_Standing outside the fire_ **

**_Life is not tried, it is merely survived_ **

**_If you're standing outside the fire'_ **


	31. Irresistible force

**Probably not a predictable song but it spoke resolutely to me _, "the irresistible force met the immovable object"...Jane's Addiction, "Irresistible force"..._**

****

****

I'm fighting the fear, as I climb the stairs, hiding behind Fin. If he weren't holding my hand, I'd be running back down them as quick as I possibly could.

As we reach the last step Fin turns to me and gestures for me to step through the door, but I tuck back in behind him, making it abundantly clear I want him to go first. He only nods, and pushes open the heavy door. The sunlight hits my tired, sore, eyes and I have to slam them shut, as my head thumps harder. Fin feels my sudden stop, and he turns to see if I am ok as I squint my eyes slightly open. Through the narrow slits, I can see Rafael rising from the ground. He is dressed for work, but his tie is dragged loose, the first few buttons of his shirt lie open, and a hint of the dark hair on his chest pokes out, his jacket lies forgotten beside his briefcase on the concrete.

Most striking is his face though; he looks tired, and has clearly been crying. He takes a few fast steps towards us, before he seems to realize it, and he slows down, making his approach a lot less forceful.

When he comes to within an arm's reach of Fin, he stops, his eyes have never left me, from the minute he saw me step onto the roof, but as he stands before me he doesn't seem to know what to say.

_"Liv..."_

He tentatively pushes his hand out to me, palm up and Fin begins to let go of my hand, so I can take Rafael's, but I cling to it stubbornly, unwilling to give up its security, reaching my other hand out instead.

 _"I'm sorry Rafael..."_ I whisper.

He shakes his head, rejecting my apology.

_"Are you ok Liv?"_

I shrug, chewing my lip.

Fin has taken a step aside, he still holds my hand supportively, but he is trying to make himself as invisible as he can.

The awkwardness of the situation is palpable, and it breaks my heart, there is nothing to salvage here...I knew it was too late, I have ruined my last hope...

My head drops and tears gush down the well-worn tracks again.

Rafael seems to have absolutely no control of his legs, as they propel him the two shorts steps to me, he drops my hand and his arms raise to encircle me, before his mind can stop them. He seems to come to his senses though, and stops himself before he touches me, then for a second, he stands there, arms spread towards me, unsure what he should do.

Before I can stop myself, I have thrown myself into his warm embrace, pulling my hand free of Fin's without a thought.

Rafael's arms wrap tightly around me, his hands stroke my hair and back, while he whispers soft reassurances.

_"Oh Liv, you're ok, I'm sorry, I didn't want to push you...it's ok, you're ok..."_

I start to mutter but my face is buried in his shoulder, and my words are indecipherable. He softly pulls my face up until my eyes meet his, there are tears running down his face too.

**_'We didn't know that it would blow up_ **

**_With such might'_ **

_"I really don't think I can do this Rafael..."_

I don't even realize that as I say those words, I cling even tighter to him.

He tenderly wipes the tears from my face, _"You don't have to do anything now Liv...I just want you to be ok...that's all you have to think about now..."_ he whispers as he pulls me tight to him.

We stand there, desperately clinging to each other, until I reluctantly let my arms drop from his body and start to pull away, _"You should be at work Rafael..."_

He shakes his head as he wipes tears from his face, _"I called in Liv, I'm taking a personal day...they'll cope without me..."_

**_'The stars are even brighter_ **

**_Contrasted by the night'_ **

I can't help the look of surprise that finds its way to my face. I've never known of him to take any personal time, even after the death of his beloved Abuela. This is what I have done to him, in such a short time I have upset him to the point where he can't even find solace in his work... A huge pang of guilt takes my breath away momentarily.

His hands cup my face ever so softly, stroking it gently as if he is trying to memorize its feel, for fear he won't ever get another chance.

I finally force myself to say something, _"You look tired..."_ as my own hand cups his cheek. He kisses the palm of my hand gently. _"...you should_ _go home and sleep..."_

He seems to understand I need some space, and grudgingly nods tightly. _"Can I drop you home, on my way?"_

I shake my head, trying not to see the pain in his eyes.

Despite our words, neither of us moves a muscle.

I know that I have to be the one to make the first movement, as I step back from him on wobbly legs.

I can see how much effort it takes for him to do nothing but nod, in his tightly clasped hands.

_"You look exhausted Liv, try to maybe take a nap? And look after yourself? If I can do anything, or you want to talk, you know where I am..."_

I nod quickly, fighting to keep my eyes from his, as he stoops down to pick up his briefcase and jacket.

As he tries to pass me, his arms refuse to listen, and once more wind their way gently, around me. I allow myself to lean into him for a moment, trying to postpone the inevitable, until I can't take any more _..."Please Rafael,..."_

 _"I'll call you later..."_ he whispers as he pulls away and strides quickly to the door, pulling it open and disappearing with only a tiny look back, as the door swings slowly, closed.

The agony has built to an unbearable level, and as the door finally shuts, the sobs take over again as I huddle over, frantically pulling my arms across my body.

My own arms have none of the security and warmth of his though, and it only serves to further remind me, of what I have lost.

I want to run after him and tell him how much I want to make it work, to fix what is broken, and it is only by supreme effort that I resist.

It is only now, that I notice Fin's absence. I have no idea when he left, such was my focus on Rafael. How much did he hear and see? Again I'm flooded with embarrassment at my weakness.

**_'Sent out shock waves_ **

**_Filled up the outer space_ **

**_Even the ghost came_ **

**_To the late, late, late show_ **

**_Watch us play'_ **

So I try to pull myself together, smoothing my hair down, roughly scrubbing the tears from my cheeks and trying to straighten my clothes. I force myself to stand up straight and raise my head. I give myself a severe talking to, and reach for the door, forcing myself to put on my game face, and go to work.

I reach the bottom of the stairs and stop dead, not sure I can face the other side of the door. I force my body straighter and push through it, before I can let the thoughts rampage any further.

As I step into the hallway, the first thing I see is Fin, he has his hand on Rafael's shoulder. It looks like he is comforting him. I can't cope with anymore, so I turn away, before all my resolve deserts me and I run to him.

I quickly dart for the safety and quiet of my office, as the normal hustle and bustle of the precinct threatens to overpower me.

I make it into the small glass room and manage to close the door without anyone accosting me.

I sink onto the couch that sits under the window looking out into the squad. Before I know what has happened I have curled into a fetal ball across its cushions, trying to will myself to sit up, to act like an adult, but I can't. I close my eyes as if this will make me invisible, and promise myself five minutes, then I will find my strength and get back to work.

The physical exhaustion and emotional toll are just too high though, and my broken spirit gladly surrenders to sleep as it beckons softly, and my thoughts fall into a merciful blackness.

**_'Ah the irresistible force met the immovable object_ **

**_Banging and banging_ **

**_And banging and banging_ **

**_And banging_ **

**_Together'_ **

I have no idea how much time has passed, I'm groggy, unsure at first where I am, when I awaken under a warm blanket. As my eyes take in the familiar space, I'm relieved. I'm in my office. As my cramped muscles stretch unthinkingly, I begin to remember, and immediately yearn for the oblivion of sleep again.

I can see Fin working quietly behind my desk, I pull myself up to a seated position and he quickly walks around the desk to me.

 _"How are you Liv?"_ he asks handing me a bottle of water and pulling a chair closer.

 _"How long was I asleep?"_ I ask through a sleep-parched mouth.

He checks his watch quickly, _"a little over 5 hours..."_

_"What? Fin why didn't you wake me? I've so much to do..."_

_"Liv, stop..."_ he says putting a gentle hand on my arm as I try to get up, _"For once put yourself first...You have to look after yourself..."_

I allow his hand to guide me back down into the cushioned warmth where I have been lying.

"Talk to me Liv..."

_"Fin, it feels like all I do is talk and cry...it's making no difference...if anything things are worse now, than they've every been..."_

_"No Liv, they're not...it just seems that way because you are feeling it...not denying it and pushing it away...but feeling it...this is a good thing..."_

I consider this for a moment, _"But it hurts so much Fin...it feels like I'm drowning..."_

He takes my hand in his, his face sad, _"What are you feeling Liv?"_

I can't begin to separate one emotion from the tangled mess inside me, no matter how hard I try.

_"I saw you with Rafael, when I came down..."_

He nods softly, _"He's worried about you Liv, he wants to be able to take away your pain..."_

 _"But he can't...no one can..."_ I mutter.

_"No, but he wants to at least share it..."_

_"Fin, I don't want him to feel any of this...why would anyone want to feel any of this?...Did you tell him what I said?..."_

I hate how weak and vulnerable I sound but I can't help the question.

_"No Liv, that was between us...and he didn't ask...all he asked was if you were ok, and to call him if he could do anything..."_

I nod slightly, unable to make eye contact with him.

_"Liv, how much are you holding inside you?"_

**_'Everything went tossing_ **

**_Everyone was talking_ **

**_Making up their faces_ **

**_Wonder what we look like naked?'_ **

His question is almost rhetorical, there is no answer to it...and he doesn't really expect one...

_"I know I need to talk to him, he deserves that much..."_

_"Liv, you deserve it too...and maybe it's not as impossible as it feels now,... maybe you can work things out...I understand how difficult it must be, to put yourself in a position where there is a potential to be hurt, but there's also a potential for so much more..."_

I'm just an emotional husk as I look at him; I can't even imagine how it could even be possible.

_"He was right though Liv, that doesn't matter now, what matters now, is that there are people here for you, people who have got your back...trust yourself,... I think that you may surprise yourself, if you just trust that you will know when the time is right..."_

_"But in the meantime, I'm stringing him along Fin, that's not fair to him..."_

_"What about how fair it is to you Liv? I hear you saying, you need to protect him from you, that it wouldn't be fair to him, that he got hurt last night, that it isn't fair that he has to wait for sex, and worry about things he shouldn't have to worry about...what about you? He is capable of looking after himself. "_

_"I have to feel this... I don't have a choice...he does..."_

_"You shouldn't have to feel any of this either, Liv...you did nothing wrong...you don't deserve any of this...you have no reason to feel ashamed or guilty, but I do understand that's a lot easier to say, than to feel...He can look after himself, and from what I can see, he is willing to risk pretty much anything,... he feels you are worth that risk, none of what you have mentioned outweighs the gains he can see..."_

**_'Ah the irresistible force met the immovable object_ **

**_Oh!'_ **

I look at him in shock, why is he saying this?

_"Liv, he told me, when you saw me talking to him, he was upset, he wanted to stay, he wanted to take care of you, not because you can't take care of yourself but because he wants to be with you...It hurts him that you feel so broken, so worthless, because he can't understand how you can't see how amazing, how strong and incredible you are...I know he'd want me to tell you this...but Liv I'm not here to campaign for him, he's not my priority, you are, you deserve whatever it is you want, and I just think that if you were to be really honest with yourself, if you turn off all the pain and logic, if you just feel, you might be able to figure that out?"_

He sits back in silence and allows me to consider his words.

I don't want to hurt Rafael...no, that's logic, that's the pain speaking, what is behind that?

I want to be with him, I want to feel his arms around me, I want to feel his lips against mine, I want to see his eyes on mine as he lies beside me, last thing at night, and first thing in the morning, but it's not that easy...

_"It's not that easy Fin..."_

**_'We've become a big business_ **

**_A galaxy merger_ **

**_The two of us a big bang'_ **

_"Why not Liv?"_

I look at him open-mouthed, at the cavalier answer that is so uncharacteristic of him...

_"Not the logistics or the difficulties Liv, just what you want, why is what you want not just 'that easy'?"_

_"Because I'm not ready Fin..."_

_"That's not what you want though Liv, that's another roadblock..."_

_"FINE Fin, you want me to say it, yes, I want to be with him, I want to be **able** to be with him...but I can't...and that hurts!..."_

_"I know Liv, I can't imagine, but why can't you be with him? What does it mean that you're not ready? Is anyone ever really ready?"_ he rubs my hand gently, his eyes silently apologizing for pushing me, for upsetting me, as he continues to push.

**_'Ah! The irresistible force met the immovable object_ **

**_Oh!_** '

_"Fin, I'm scared. I thought I was doing well, I thought that I was ready to try...I thought I was ready to try to be with someone, I thought I could have a sexual relationship, I thought I could be a normal, whole, person...but...I'm not Fin, I was terrified that because Rafael was angry he would hurt me, he was right to be angry, he behaved impeccably, he had so much restraint, but I still think he will get fed up and RAPE me. I think he will RAPE ME Fin..."_

_"But you don't really Liv?"_

I shake my head.

_"I'm trying really hard Liv, but I don't understand...I can see how that realization that the fear was there, must be agonizing, I can see how it feels like your fear is betraying you..."_

I nod...it is a huge betrayal...

_"But Liv, it's not an unreasonable fear, it's a fear caused by horrible experience,... you were lying in bed with a man, who was angry...I can only imagine what that brought back..."_

**_'Ah! The irresistible force met the immovable object_ **

**_Banging and banging_ **

**_And banging and banging_ **

**_And banging together'_ **

_"No Fin, I didn't have a flashback..."_

_"But not seeing it in a flashback doesn't mean you weren't reacting to it, I'm sorry, I really am, but I'm guessing the last time you lay in a bed with an angry man, was probably in the beach house? And I don't even want to think of what you were going through, psychologically, emotionally or physically...I understand it but I think you are trying to protect yourself, and I don't think that's really want you to do..."_

My breathing is ragged, could he be right? I know I'm scared, and I know I have been worried about breaking Rafael as I broke Brian...could my fear have really twisted all of this to give me an excuse to run away...?

I was afraid, in that moment, when I realized that somewhere deep inside me, that I could entertain the possibility he would ever do something so horrific.

It really felt like I'd made no progress whatsoever, that I was back in my first days of freedom, when every sound made me feel like I would literally jump out of my skin. The skin that was the only thing keeping the quivering gelatinous lump, that was me, from completely collapsing.

_"It's ok to be scared Liv, it's ok to lash out, to do whatever you need to protect yourself...but you deserve to be loved too..."_

_"How can I take back those words though, Fin?"_

_"You can't Liv, but you can explain them...and I think you haven't given him enough credit, he probably understands better than you think he does...and if he doesn't you can explain it...he wants to understand..."_

_"It changes everything though..."_

He considers this carefully.

_"No Liv, it doesn't...maybe it changes things a little bit, in the short term...maybe you take a step or two back and talk, but it means when you take another step forward, you will be that much stronger, that bit more in synch...I hate that it isn't easier for you, but you can do it, after all you have gotten through I'd never bet against you..."_

I should feel weak, for needing his help, for needing to be talked down, but all I feel is supported and understood. Despite his claims to be unable to truly understand how I feel, he has really tried to, and he has eventually understood it even better than I have myself.

My hope is not gone, maybe it was built on quicksand, maybe it did even, start to sink into that same quicksand, but I have people trying to pull me out, and they will not be content to save me, without my hope.

_"Thank you Fin...I can't ever hope to repay you..."_

_"You don't have to Liv, you've always been there for me, it's what friends do for each other...now go...talk to him...and I can still kick his ass?"_

Despite all the pain and emotional upheaval, he still has the ability to make me laugh.

He reaches for me and gives me a warm hug, _"Liv you can't always be perfect...no one expects you to be..."_

With that, he strides to the door and gestures to his partner, _"Take Liv over to Barba's..."_

She nods quickly, _"Whenever you're ready Liv...?"_ as she disappears out to grab her keys.

_"I should really be working Fin..."_

_"Looks to me like you already worked half the night Liv...you've done enough work..."_ he chuckles.

I smile at him, a real smile, not a forced one. I meet his eyes one last time as he shepherds me out the door, to where Amanda is waiting, her keys in hand, to drive me to face them man I have wounded so badly.

**_'Ah! The irresistible force met the immovable object_ **

**_Oh!_ **

**_Some may call me a lucky shot_ **

**_No, but it was not_ **

**_Banging and banging_ **

**_And banging and banging_ **

**_And banging and banging_ **

**_Banging and banging_ **

**_And banging and banging_ **

**_And banging together'_ **

****

****


	32. Everytime

**Whilst not a fan of her music, this song is beautiful _..."Everytime"_ by _Britney Spears_...**

_"I should really be working Fin..."_

_"Looks to me like you already worked half the night Liv...you've done enough work..."_ he chuckles.

I smile at him, a real smile, not a forced one. I meet his eyes one last time as he shepherds me out the door, to where Amanda is waiting, her keys in hand, to drive me to face them man I have wounded so badly.

We walk out to the car and she drives away in silence. Instead of it feeling awkward, or difficult, I'm immensely grateful for it. I know what lies in front of me and I'm so grateful for her silent support. For the way she squeezed my hand, and smiled weakly, as she pushed the car into 'drive', sometimes words just aren't necessary.

I want to see Rafael, I want to wrap my arms around him and apologize, I want to feel his arms winding their way around me, but I have no idea what to say. Those words cannot be taken back. Once they found their way out, their impact was felt, deeply. As Fin said, all I can do is try to explain them and hope that their damage is not too great...but I have no clue how to go about that.

My mind races as I try to find words to explain the torrent of emotions that were released in that rambling, unclear explanation of why I need the men who hurt me, to be as evil as the faces of them I have seen. I still cannot close my eyes and conjure up the image of the charming man, so many saw in William Lewis. Or the smiling man in the uniform that looked out of the ID badge and personnel file of Lowell Harris. I see instead, contorted features, dead eyes and evil in the slight upturn of a smile on tainted lips. Men incapable of compassion or empathy, as I scream for help. How can I explain that? How can I explain how I trust Rafael more than I almost, want to, but still think somewhere in the depths of my being, that even he, is capable of such acts? I'm also aware that I need to explain my words, when I told him I knew seeing his naked body would probably bring back unwanted memories... I saw the look on his face...

I know he didn't believe me at first, when I said Lewis didn't rape me. I felt it from him, but he admitted it recently...I understand why he felt that way, and I know how hard it was for him to admit to me, but in the moment I said those words about _"seeing something else"_ when I saw his body, I saw that doubt again...the doubt that maybe Lewis had done more than I could admit.

It doesn't escape my notice that in some ways maybe this is the truth of the matter, and that Lewis did do more to me, than I can admit...

I've told so many family and friends of victims over the years _, "when she is ready to talk she will...just be there for him, let him know you will listen when he is ready...there will come a point where he/she will need to talk..."_ I always knew it was the truth, the silence can't be maintained forever, but it's only now, as the words need to find their way out, that I've felt it. That overwhelming need to say things I swore I'd never say...

 _"Amanda?..."_ my voice is barely above a whisper but she turns her head to me quickly, nodding her consent for me to continue before she looks back to the road in front of us. I know I have her attention despite the silence...

_"Do you ever feel like...maybe the worst thing **he** did to you, isn't the worst...? I mean, he raped you, but that some of the things around that act were nearly worse?"_

She nods deeply. Silently considering for a moment.

_"Yeah, I do...it feels ridiculous, but raping me wasn't the worst thing he did...it was the seemingly 'small' stuff that was worse..."_

I nod sadly in agreement as our demons flash through our consciousness.

_"It feels like a weakness, I wasn't even raped...but..."_

_"It's the stuff that isn't explainable in a one or two word term..."_

I nod, once more reminded how she really understands...and how much I wish she didn't...

I'm aware of her reluctance to discuss details with me, and I understand it, I have shared so little of the detail of my own experiences with her, so I'm shocked when she continues to speak after a short silence...

_"He never said anything... **after**...he just...pulled himself out of me...and dressed and left...I don't know what I expected him to say...there was nothing that could change what he had done...but it was like it just didn't matter enough to even pretend..."_

I close my eyes to the images that are trying to sneak in, of what she has just described.

I try to finds words, to acknowledge her agonising admission, to empathize with her pain, to confirm she isn't the only one to feel these things, but I can't speak, so I just reach over and take her hand gently. Without looking, she clasps my hand in return.

It seems like in no time at all, we are pulling up to Rafael's building, and I start to doubt I should be here.

She seems to sense my growing doubt and turns to me, " _You don't have to be here, Liv, I can take you home instead?"_

_"I know Amanda, thank you. I need to do it though..."_

She looks me in the eye, and smiles sadly. _"Liv, if you need anything, or to talk, or a ride...please, call me?"_

_"Thanks Amanda, I know he won't hurt me, but I'm scared...I need to do it though, if I want to try to fix things..."_

She nods and smiles more happily now, at the gentle admission.

_"You deserve to be happy Liv...if he makes you happy...I can only wish you luck...and I'm here..."_

I nod again and rush out of the car before I lose my nerve, stalking towards the door and inputting the entry code, before I wave quickly and disappear inside.

As I stand before Rafael's door, the nagging doubt, the fear and the nerves threaten to make me run, so I bang on the door quickly, before I can change my mind.

I hear the lock click, and the door swings open, I debate fleeing, but my feet are rooted to the spot.

His eyes widen in surprise at my presence, and I quickly launch into an attempt at explaining my unannounced arrival.

_"I'm sorry, I should have asked if I could come over but...I was afraid you'd say no...and I want to explain...or try to..."_

He has stepped back to allow me to enter but I'm not moving...

**_'Notice me_ **

**_Take my hand_ **

**_Why are we_ **

**_Strangers when_ **

**_Our love is strong_ **

**_Why carry on without me_ **

**_Everytime I try to fly I fall, without my wings_ **

**_I feel so small_ **

**_I guess I need you baby'_ **

_"Liv, I would never have said no to you coming over...I'm so glad you did, I wanted to see you..."_

I still don't move. It's not a conscious decision to stand in the hallway but it just doesn't occur to me to move...

His hand stretches out towards me, _"Liv, will you come inside... please?"_

This seems to pull me out of my paralysis, and I step carefully into his apartment.

As he starts to help me off with my jacket, I lean back against him, desperate to feel his comforting touch, and he gladly wraps his arms around my waist. _"I'm so sorry Liv..."_

_"You have nothing to apologize for Rafael, it was me..."_

He turns me to him gently. _"No Liv, it wasn't...and we need to talk about it, but you look shattered, we don't have to talk now...I'd be so glad to just sit with you in my arms right now, I can't even tell you...if you would be comfortable doing that?"_

His voice is soft, tentative at his request, as if, even this small gesture might be too much to ask...

_"How can you even, want to hold me, after what I said?"_

**_'And everytime I see, you in my dreams, I see your face_ **

**_It's haunting me_ **

**_I guess I need you baby'_ **

_"I can't pretend it didn't hurt, Liv, it did, but when I really thought about it, I can kindda understand it...and I don't think there will ever come a time that I don't want to hold you..."_

He strokes my face gently, as I nod. _"I really want to feel your arms around me..."_

He helps me off with my jacket, and I silently head to the room I know is his bedroom.

He follows me, equally silently, but his doubt is written all over his face.

_"I just want to lie in your arms...but I understand if you don't want to..."_

_"God Liv, I want nothing more, but I don't want to push you...are you sure a bed is the best place for us at this moment...?"_

_"I trust you Rafael, despite what I said...I want to lie in your arms if you'll let me..."_

**_'I make-believe_ **

**_That you are here_ **

**_It's the only way_ **

**_I see clear_ **

**_What have I done_ **

**_You seem to move on easy_ **

**_And Everytime I try to fly I fall, without my wings_ **

**_I feel so small_ **

**_I guess I need you baby'_ **

He takes my hand and guides me to lie beside him, pulling my head down onto his chest, as his arms wind around my shoulders, and his hand strokes my back softly.

_"I'm so glad you came Liv..."_

_"I'm so glad you didn't just slam the door in my face, you would have been more than entitled to..."_

_"No Liv, I wouldn't...when will you start to believe me, when I'm saying I'm not going anywhere?"_ He takes my head in his hands, gently forcing me to meet his beautiful green eyes, _"I'm not going anywhere...and you deserve so much more than you think you do..."_

He places a gentle kiss on my mouth; careful not to do anything that might make me feel uncomfortable, but needing to give me more than just words...

His thoughtfulness brings tears to my eyes.

I know he has promised not to push me to talk now, he has even made it easy for me not to talk, but the words are too anxious to be released, to be denied any longer.

As I start to whisper, I can't help but remember how my unplanned words surprised me the last time I let my mouth run free, and I can only hope this time will prove to be less devastating. These are not words I am capable of planning...

_"I really am sorry Rafael, I didn't know those words were going to come out...I didn't even realize I felt that way until they burst out. I trust you so much, it scares me. You have too much power to hurt me...but that fear is still in there somewhere, that I'm wrong or I can push you to...those actions. I know it's not possible...you have said it so many times, and maybe more importantly every action, has proved it, you wouldn't hurt me, especially not like that...but I understand how deeply I hurt you with those words..."_

**_'And everytime I see, you in my dreams I see your face_ **

**_Your haunting me_ **

**_I guess I need you baby_ **

**_I may have made it rain_ **

**_Please forgive me_ **

**_My weakness caused you pain_ **

**_And this song's my sorry'_ **

His hand tenderly strokes my face, _"I know Liv...I think I heard the words and went on the defensive...I never thought that you were lying in bed with an angry man, and what that would do to you...I should have thought about you more, and I can't even begin to apologize for trying to stop you from getting up...that was just so stupid, and I know so much better...I don't know what I was thinking..."_

_"Rafael, you had a right to be angry, it was a horrible thing that I said...but that's not why I wanted you to leave...my own words, made me realize things I didn't know I felt..."_

I look at him carefully trying to read his reactions; he doesn't seem to be angry, or particularly surprised. I wonder did Fin maybe, tip him off that my reaction wasn't only about him...or has he figured it out himself? Either way I'm immensely grateful, it feels like a slight head start...

_"My words, they took me by surprise...I didn't think I still felt like that, I thought the days of fearing everyone, every shadow, were long behind me...it feels like I've made no progress...that all of my effort to be normal has been wasted..."_

I can see I have every ounce of his attention, and he is not going to dismiss my feelings, so I tell him the stuff I hadn't planned on saying...

_"It feels like I'm so...broken...that there is no hope of ever being whole again...and all I'm doing is hurting you, allowing you to become a victim of **theirs**...you need to be protected from me, from **them**..."_

I can see my words have shocked him.

_"Do you really believe that Liv? That I need to be protected from you?"_

I try to meet his eyes but can't, as I nod reluctantly.

_"No Liv, I don't need to be protected from you, I don't want to be protected from you...I understand that you have been hurt, so badly...and that you feel damaged...but that's not what I see, I see a woman who has shown more courage and strength than anyone has a right to have...I see a woman who is stunningly beautiful, inside and out, who makes me feel, like I never thought I was capable of feeling...I'm so far from perfect Liv, I'm awkward and closed off about my feelings, I'm only learning how to do this...I've never felt so close to someone and it's terrifying, but it also feels amazing...I know that it's a risk, and it goes against everything I've ever done, but it's worth the risk, you are worth every risk...Nothing I have learned about you has done anything but draw me closer to you...I can't imagine how it felt to think that after everything, you were back where you started, but you have made so much progress, and I can see how that fear is still somewhere deep inside, I hate that it's necessary but it probably is, you need to protect yourself...and I can't describe how much it means that you trust me, despite that fear...it means more than if it never even occurred to you..."_

He has really surprised me. He thinks he's not perfect...he has been a saint, but he can see only how he could do better... How can he even feel that me trusting him, despite my fear is worth more than if that fear wasn't there?

_"Rafael, I was so horrible to you though...you didn't deserve it..."_

He shrugs and kisses me gently.

_"I'm not sure I'm ready for this Rafael...when I can feel like that...I'm not sure I can do this..."_

**_'And Everytime I try to fly I fall, without my wings_ **

**_I feel so small_ **

**_I guess I need you baby'_ **

_"I know that Liv, I can only imagine how hard it is...but I take hope from the fact that you want to try...I want to try too...and I'm more than willing to talk as much as we need to, and take a step back, whatever you need? I don't feel like this is a failure, I feel so much more secure, so much more at ease now, even after everything, because we can talk like this, because we can be honest, because we can find solutions to the hard stuff..."_

I rest my forehead against his. There is something intensely intimate about this gesture. He is right, that there is a strange kind of hope in this shared despair.

_"It also feels like, if I can't make things work with you, when you are so patient and understanding, I really am too broken to have any hope..."_

His hand slowly rubs my cheek _, "Liv, I can't begin to tell you how truly amazing you are...I know you feel broken but I'm in awe of your strength... and I have enough hope that we can make this work for both of us"_

_"Are you sure you really want to keep trying Rafael? I'm not sure I can do this, and I don't want to hurt you..."_

_"I am Liv...I know I could get hurt, but I get to spend time with you...even if I do get hurt, the gain is worth it...and if things work out...well I'd be crazy to risk missing out on that..."_

I feel completely unprepared for his heartfelt declaration. I feel fear at the confidence with which he tells me is willing to risk being hurt, but also immense warmth. I'm still unsure, but as the warmth spreads throughout my whole body, I feel less hopeless.

_"I know I need to explain what happened with Lewis...the things I've kept secret...I know it's not just because you want to know, I know you need to know...but can we leave it for now? I promise I'm not just trying to keep pushing it to another day, to a tomorrow that never comes, I just really can't do it now..."_

He hugs me tightly to him... " _Of course Liv. I do need to know, not just to try and dispel some of the horrors my mind is conjuring up, but because the more I know and understand, the more I know what is likely to affect you negatively...I really don't want to hurt you..."_

_"I know...but I don't want to say it all out loud...I know I need to, but I'm so scared...those words have too much power..."_

_"No Liv, the words don't have the power anymore, you have that power, you are in control of them...you can tell me as much as you are comfortable with, at any one time...I can only imagine how hard it is, but you have no reason to feel anything but strength...you have not only survived, you are thriving... **he** tried to break you, but **he** didn't, **he** failed..."_

_"You may not feel that when you hear it Rafael...and I may need you to ask me about it again, to help me say the words..."_

He takes my face in his hands, meeting my eyes boldly, _"Liv, you need to hear me now...nothing you say will change how I see you or how I feel about you, none of **his** actions change that...and they were **his** actions... you were **his** prisoner...you did not want anything **he** did, and you did nothing to invite it, or encourage it...it was not your fault...I know you feel guilty for trying to save your own life, and that of Luisa Nuñez and Amelia Cole, that you somehow gave him permission to do these things...you didn't...you were in an impossible situation...you did what you had to...you did anything you could, to make sure you survived...it does not relieve him of any responsibility...he tried to bait you into killing him, and even after all that you suffered, you didn't..."_

This is something I thought we could never discuss. I understand how dangerous this discussion is to him, to both of us...but I can't lie anymore, not to him.

_"I thought I had...I lost control..."_

_"I know it feels like that Liv, But you really were protecting yourself...the rules weren't made to encompass situations like the one you were in, with true monsters like him...you were drugged, force fed alcohol, pills...you weren't fed, and had barely any water...you were restrained and tortured for **four** days...you understood what he was...you knew what he was capable of..."_

I know this is the man speaking, not the lawyer. I know he is not trying to excuse my behavior; he is trying to help me understand it. He understands how deep my fear is of the recessive violent genes that are coded into my DNA. And his reassurance, despite its familiarity, is really hitting home.

 _"What did I ever do to deserve you Rafael?"_ I ask as I kiss him.

_"No Liv, if one of us doesn't deserve the other it is me...you are so far out of my league..."_

_"No Rafael...you're absolutely perfect..."_

**_'And everytime I see, you in my dreams, I see your face_ **

**_Your haunting me_ **

**_I guess I need you baby'_ **

I curl tightly against him, wanting to be as close to him as I possibly can. Although I am completely incapable of feeling sexual at this moment, it doesn't escape my notice that my body is reacting to his warmth, his smell, his presence. It comforts me as his arms tighten around me, and my exhausted body surrenders once more to the siren call of sleep.


	33. The river

**Sometimes it feels that just like the stumbles that pull you down to your knees, the victories in life also seem to come absolutely out of nowhere. They don't announce their intentions, and have the potential to lift you higher than you thought you could go, just as the stumbles pull you deeper into despair than you realized it was possible to go. The river of life is quite often more a white water rapid, and the stops along its trail, sometimes just like its ultimate destination, are not under your control, so we find our control wherever we can...**

**_"The River_ ** **" by _Garth Brooks..._**

****

****

As I wake, the first thing to penetrate my sleepy consciousness, is the warm set of arms wrapped around me.

Contrary to everything I would have believed, there is no sense of panic, no worry about who they belong to, no fear that they are there to restrain me. I can almost feel the love inherent in the embrace. It is only in this semi waking state that the word love can be part of my vocabulary. At any other time, it is terrifying, but in the half-light of the morning, it is as comforting as the blanket that found it's way over us at some unknown point during the night.

As I curl tighter into the man who lies beside me, the movement causes him to stir. He stretches into me, unconsciously mirroring my need to be, somehow, closer to him. His eyes flicker open and he smiles. His hand strokes my cheek tenderly.

 _"Did you sleep well? This wasn't too much?"_ he asks gently.

I shake my head, _"This was exactly what I needed..."_

His hand moves to the back of my head, stroking my hair.

_"It's still early Rafael, go back to sleep..."_

_"I don't want to waste a second of being here like this, with you,..."_ he says, softly kissing me.

I run my hand through his sleep-mussed hair, _"I like this undone look...it's sexy..."_

He rolls his eyes at me, grinning at my playful compliment, _"I suppose you like the unshaved look too...?"_ he says rubbing the soft stubble on his face.

As I stroke his face I just nod, _"It's sexy..."_ I reiterate softly.

 _"Unfortunately neither the DA or judiciary would agree with you..."_ he chuckles.

 _"You never know..."_ I whisper conspiratorially, as he laughs out loud.

_"So since it's still early, how would you feel about taking a bath with me Rafael?"_

I can immediately, see his unease at my suggestion, but instead of rushing to convince him, I wait for him to verbalize his concerns.

It takes a moment for him to find the words to tell me what worries him, _"I would really like that Liv, but...I worry that you push yourself too hard sometimes...whether it's for me, or for you... I think maybe it's too soon?"_

_"I do push myself Rafael, but if I don't push myself I'll never move forward. I'm not fighting any internal struggle...I want to take a bath with you...there is no doubt...and I will tell you if I start to feel uneasy?"_

**_'You know a dream is like a river_ **

**_Ever changin' as it flows_ **

**_And a dreamer's just a vessel_ **

**_That must follow where it goes'_ **

_"Liv, how would it work? I mean you have no clothes here, no bikini?"_

_"I know. And I'm not sure, I suppose I could leave my underwear on...I need to trust myself to figure out what I'm comfortable with...I guess I'm trying to learn to trust myself again."_

He nods thoughtfully, not missing the significance of my whispered admission that trusting myself, comes with a lot more difficulty, than trusting him does.

**_'Trying to learn from what's behind you_ **

**_And never knowing what's in store_ **

**_Makes each day a constant battle_ **

**_Just to stay between the shores'_ **

He kisses me softly as he gets up and walks to his bathroom. As I hear the water gushing into the tub, I make a snap decision, and follow him into the bathroom, wrapping my arms around his waist.

 _"Let me undress you Rafael?"_ I whisper into his ear.

As he turns to me, I can see his doubt, but also his yearning...he seems to balance my request carefully, _"Are you sure Liv?"_

I nod slowly, as I start to unbutton the shirt he never bothered to take off when he got home yesterday. He watches my hands, as each button is carefully undone, until both sides of the fabric fall apart. I run my fingers lightly down his exposed undershirt, and then push the shirt down his arms, letting it fall to the floor behind him. I let my hands investigate the skin of his arms, slowly, really feeling his body, in a way I previously couldn't allow myself to. When my fingers clasp the hem of his undershirt and pull it up his torso, he raises his arms to allow me to pull it over his head and it joins his shirt on the floor.

My fingers continue their exploration of his flesh, gently stroking across his whole upper body. There is a freedom in the way I am touching him, like I want to know his body...in a way I didn't think I could.

I'm aware that this is not innocent touching, this is very sexual, my body is clearly responding to what I am doing, as is his, but he is, as always, the poster child for restraint.

As I look into his eyes, my lips find his, and our kiss is anything but chaste. His hands are on my hips, but he makes no move to do anything he has no permission for. I feel so totally in control, as I break our kiss and resume my exploration of his skin. My hands slide down his chest to his belt buckle, quickly undoing it, _"No suspenders?"_ I ask coyly.

He just shakes his head gently.

_"Pity, I quite like the suspenders..."_

He swallows deeply and sighs, but says nothing, as I open the button and zip of his pants slowly.

I slide my hands down, under the back of his pants, over his butt, and follow the fabric all the way down the back of his legs, pulling them away as he steps out of them for me. As I stand back up I trace my fingers up the front of his legs, until my hands rest on the bones of his pelvis, either side of his bulging underwear. My fingers slide under the waistband of the underwear and he stops me, _"Liv..."_

_"It's ok Rafael...I want to see you..."_

I can see how torn he is, but he seems to have heard my plea for him to trust me, as he removes his hands from mine.

I kiss him deeply, wanting him to know how sure I am, but also how much of an effect he is having on me.

When I pull away from the kiss, and reach once more, below the waistband of his underwear, he does nothing to stop me, as I carefully pull the front of the elastic over his erection and push them down his legs.

Once again he steps out of them, as I look at him. My fingers trace every inch of the flesh exposed to me until they find their way to the hardness between his legs. My first touch is very tentative, as if I'm worried it will somehow hurt me, but I'm very much in the present, and as my fingers move gently along his length, there are no unwelcome intrusions. As my movements become less tentative, I'm surprised at the heat, and size of him, it's only now that I realize he was only partly erect, when I saw him previously. And I'm surprised at how much my body is reacting to him.

**_'And I will sail my vessel_ **

**_'Til the river runs dry_ **

**_Like a bird upon the wind_ **

**_These waters are my sky_ **

**_I'll never reach my destination_ **

**_If I never try_ **

**_So I will sail my vessel_ **

**_'Til the river runs dry'_ **

_"Undress me Rafael...please?"_ my voice betrays my arousal, as I look into his eyes.

My hands move back to his chest, stroking his nipples gently, and massaging up and across his shoulders.

He seems unsure about how to start undressing me, so I guide his hands to the buttons of my shirt, and he slowly makes his way down them, until the shirt opens slightly, and he looks to me for my permission before he pushes it down my arms, paying special attention to the sensitive flesh of the undersides.

My fingers continue their exploration of the skin before me, as he reaches for the catch of my bra; easily flipping it open, when I nod my consent, and I comfortably let it fall away from my body.

As I trace the lines of his pectoral muscles and play with his sensitive nipples, he begins to gently tease my breasts, blowing softly onto my nipples, watching them harden as his tongue flicks out across them.

I know he is waiting for my permission to continue, as he shuts off the water, so I take his hands and place them on my belt, reaching for his mouth with mine.

Enjoying the sensation of his naked chest against mine, I wrap my arms around his neck to allow me to rub our skin together.

I hear him sigh gently, and know he is feeling the same pleasure I am.

As my belt is slid open, he stops at the button of my pants.

 _"Undress me Rafael!"_ I whisper breathily.

I can see his intense desire, as he opens my pants, and carefully pushes them down my thighs, his eyes taking in every curve of my body, his fingers slowly stroking my skin.

Now that we stand here, with only my underwear between us, he is very careful of the arousal poking out from between his legs.

I wrap my arms once more, around his shoulders, and meet his lips with my own, he tries to pull his hips back, but I slide my hands down to his butt, pulling him to me.

As his naked penis touches the skin of my leg, it feels almost like a jolt of electricity. Not an unpleasant shock, but a jolt of pleasure...and I can feel my own arousal clearly.

I try to hide my face in his chest but he gently tips my chin up until I meet his eyes, _"What are you feeling Liv?"_

 _"My body...reacting to you..."_ my eyes dart down, as I try to avoid saying the words.

_"Why does that embarrass you? My arousal is very clear to you...these feelings are mutual, Liv..."_

He's right; this is very mutual, very consensual. We are both very much enjoying this. Why does my body, doing what it should, cause this reaction?

_"I don't know...but it does. It feels like I should feel guilty, or ashamed, for it..."_

_"There's nothing to feel guilty or ashamed of Liv, we are two consenting adults, and we are touching each other, it is supposed to feel good, your body is doing exactly what it is supposed to do...Does my arousal bother you?"_

I shake my head confidently. _"Everywhere it touches, there's like a jolt of electricity, of pleasure..."_

He has been very careful to turn his hips slightly, to keep his erection from touching my most private area, but now he allows his hips to straighten and his hardness grazes my underwear covered crotch, and my mouth falls open at the sensation.

_"Is it too much Liv?"_

I shake my head, as I reach for my underwear.

_"No Liv, you don't have to..."_

_"I know I don't, but...I'm not comfortable in my skin really, I suppose, but now I feel more at one with it...I'm feeling pleasure...not the type of pleasure that's centered only on my clitoris, my whole body feels good...it's giving me a confidence I don't usually have, and I want you to see me...I want to able to show you my body..."_

He gently removes his hands from mine, and allows me to pull away my underwear, and surprisingly, as I stand naked before him, I don't feel the vulnerability I expected to feel.

**_'Too many times we stand aside_ **

**_And let the waters slip away_ **

**_'Til what we put off 'til tomorrow_ **

**_Has now become today_ **

**_So don't you sit upon the shoreline_ **

**_And say you're satisfied_ **

**_Choose to chance the rapids_ **

**_And dare to dance the tide'_ **

_"You're so beautiful Liv...Look at yourself..."_ He says as he turns me to the mirror that had been unseen, behind me.

As I look at the reflection, I'm not disgusted, despite how clearly visible almost every sign of my arousal is. He rests his chin on my shoulder as he stands slightly to the side, behind me. I curl my arm back to hold his face, and he runs his hand gently down the side of my body.

 _"Why does it feel wrong to find pleasure in this?"_ he whispers softly.

_"I don't know...it feels so good, and I can forget most of the stuff that clouds it, but then I feel..."_

_"Tell me what you feel Liv..."_

_"I feel that...wetness...it's disgusting..."_

_"No it's not Liv, it's incredibly sexy...I'm so happy that you feel like that...I wish I could show you how un-disgusted I am...I want to taste you...I want to feel you...do I look disgusted?"_

He turns me slightly, and steps back, so I can see how aroused he is, not just in the hardness bobbing between his legs, but also in the undisguised desire in his eyes, and his flushed skin.

As I see him look at me with obvious lust, I wish I could see myself with his eyes.

He ever so gently, places my hand on his erection, _"This is what you do to me..."_ he takes my hand and moves it to his chest, " _Can you feel my heart thumping? This is what you do to me...there is nothing, at all, disgusting about you...you are so sexy, so beautiful..."_

His words only arouse me further, but I'm not quite ready to believe them yet.

 _"Let me wash you Liv?"_ he asks softly.

I nod lightly, unsure of what I am agreeing to, but too in need of more of the pleasure he is showing me, to refuse him.

He takes me by the hand and leads me to the tub; I step in carefully as he continues to hold my hand. I'm unsure what I should do, so I look to him, as he steps into the bath behind me.

He picks up a bottle of shower gel and starts to soap up my back. His touch is perfect, a mixture of feather light caresses and heavy rubbing...

As his hands stroke up the sides of my breasts and start to massage my shoulders I move back and lean against him to give him better access to my front.

_"Liv are you sure this is ok?"_

I know he is asking about his naked penis, and how, in this position, it is pressing against my butt.

I don't answer him; instead I pull his head to me and allow my silent, probing, tongue to be my response.

He begins to wash me again, as his lips and tongue, explore my neck. And when his fingers start to stroke my breasts, I squeeze my thighs together to try to diffuse the feelings building inside me. That same movement means his hardness moves against me, making us both moan.

_"Liv, you can touch yourself, ...show me how you like to be touched..."_

I shake my head, dropping it in embarrassment, at my own desires...

_"Why are you embarrassed? I'm not even remotely embarrassed, I'm asking you to touch yourself, to show me how you like to be touched...and I'm not ashamed to tell you how much I will also enjoy watching you touch yourself...it is your body, you need to be able to enjoy it before you can allow anyone else to..."_

I know he is right. And I can remember a time when there was no shame in doing exactly this, but that time seems like a different lifetime ago, as I sit here now.

He takes my right hand in his, _"You're right handed, yes?"_ , I don't disagree, so he brings my right hand to my breast spreading my fingers with his, gently moving my fingers over the nipple with his, trying to make it easier for me...

He uses his left hand on my left breast; trying to show me some of the different ways he could touch me. Again I squeeze my thighs together to get some relief from the feelings bombarding me. Again I feel the movement against his penis, and I feel his right hand abandon my breast momentarily, as it gently squeezes the hard flesh that is pressing into me.

I quickly get onto my knees and turn to him, my hand reaching for his erection, but he stops me gently.

_"Why can you touch me, Liv, but you can't touch yourself?"_

His words are so soft and soothing, there is no judgment in them, only questioning.

_"Show me how to pleasure you Liv..."_

**_'Yes I will sail my vessel_ **

**_'Til the river runs dry_ **

**_Like a bird upon the wind_ **

**_These waters are my sky_ **

**_I'll never reach my destination_ **

**_If I never try_ **

**_So I will sail my vessel_ **

**_'Til the river runs dry'_ **

I'm almost desperate now to be touched, and it is all too clear, that he is not going to touch me, until I can touch myself, so I reluctantly allow my right hand to slide down into the water. Even in the water I can feel my arousal, and I try not to allow my mind to dwell on it, as I try to concentrate on the bundle of nerves that will quickly satiate this desire.

He watches my hand move gently, with such blatant lust, that this tiny patch of skin is not enough to satisfy my desires; my left hand reaches for my breast, as he reaches for my other breast, mirroring my movements on it.

My fingers continue to move under the water, but there is no relief to the pressure, so with great frustration, I just stop.

_"What's wrong Liv?"_

_"It's just not working..."_

Again his hand squeezes his erection gently.

_"Rafael, you can touch yourself too..."_

_"I do Liv, and I know what feels good to me...I have no embarrassment in my body, or making it feel pleasure, nor should you..."_

As if to illustrate his point, he wraps his hand around his penis and gently moves it up and down a couple of times, his face clearly showing his pleasure at the movement.

He takes his hand from his own body, and gently uses it to guide mine back down under the water. He guides my hand softly down the exposed area of my genitals and I moan deeply at the sensation.

_"Don't be afraid of it, treat it like your own personal playground..."_

**'There's bound to be rough waters**

**And I know I'll take some falls**

**With the good Lord as my captain**

**I can make it through them all'**

He gently lets go of my hand as it slides along me, and I can't resist the urge to continue this movement.

_"This only feels so good because you are wet...this is why your body responds the way it does...and I cannot describe how incredibly hot this image is..."_

This time his assurance does break through a little, and I allow my fingers to move more confidently, until a finger slips, carefully inside me.

The groan that escapes his lips at this movement, and his quick tug on his penis, makes me feel like this could actually be sexy, he is clearly responding to it and it feels good to me. My thumb rocks against my most sensitive place, as my finger moves gently inside me. Rafael's fingers gently play with one of my nipples and my second hand unthinkingly finds its way to my other nipple.

He shifts slightly in his position, as his tongue finds its way to my breast, sucking the nipple into his mouth, blowing lightly on it, as it emerges from his hot mouth.

His fingers stroke the underside of my arm and then move down my side, softly caressing the side of my breast as his tongue flicks across my nipple and then traces around it.

As he sucks my nipple back into his mouth, I unthinkingly, reach for his penis, with the hand covered in my own wetness...it slides easily up his length and he moans, as he guides my hand back between my own legs _..."God Liv, I want to see you finish yourself...please?"_

He reaches out to take both of my nipples into his skilled hands, and I can't resist my body's demands anymore. My finger slides gently back inside me, stroking my insides, as my thumb rocks against my clitoris. The movement of his fingers on my nipples, in concert with my own movements, is too much to deny and I submit to my body as it tenses and trembles lightly through an orgasm. As he sees I'm about to climax, he starts to talk to me reassuringly, reminding me we are safe, and it's just us, as he had promised to do, when the building pleasure scared me, previously.

As the pleasure starts to wane, the embarrassment of the situation starts to make its presence felt, but when my eyes open, the look on Rafael's face is pure lust, and I begin to relax. I reach for him with my left hand until I remember the look on his face as he felt my wetness on the hand that wrapped around him. I wrap my slick, right hand around him, and his eyes close as it twists gently, and runs up his length.

 _"Liv..."_ he groans as my fingers graze his tip lightly.

I'm very relaxed, and am really enjoying the feel of him, as my hand moves across him. I surprise myself when the fingers of my left hand slide down to my sensitive clitoris, as my other hand moves on him.

 _"That's just too hot..."_ he mutters huskily, as he lets go.

As he is still panting from his climax, he whispers gruffly, _"Can I touch you Liv?"_

**_'Yes I will sail my vessel_ **

**_'Til the river runs dry_ **

**_Like a bird upon the wind_ **

**_These waters are my sky'_ **

I want to feel his touch, and give him a tiny nod, as he pulls me to him. His fingers trace along me, gently rubbing the nerve cluster with the palm of his hand. It feels fantastic.

And when he lightly takes my nipple between his teeth, flicking it with his tongue, it is nearly too much pleasure. The heel of his palm presses against my clitoris and two fingers carefully trace around my vagina.

 _"Oh god, don't stop..."_ I plead, as he continues, and when it feels I can't hold back any longer, he flicks my clitoris with his fingers, as he presses his hand up against me. It's too much, and another orgasm finds me, as he pulls me tightly to him, again whispering reassurances in my ear, to ground me in the present.

When he feels my breathing returning to normal, he looks me in the eye, _"Are you ok?"_

I nod.

_"Good, because I can't tell you how unbelievably sexy you are...Are you sure we didn't go too far for you?"_

I shake my head quickly, _"It felt good, really good...I'm not sure how far I had planned on going, but I didn't feel like I wanted to stop. After the other night I didn't think it would be so easy, I thought it would be almost back to square one...but I felt more comfortable in my own body than I have in so long...I know you had to push me, and it probably didn't feel that easy to you, but it feels like I really may be ready to try... I know this all sounds like it's wrapped up in sex, and some of it is, but it's more than that, it's also about trusting myself, to know when to stop, to know what I am comfortable with, to be able to let go...this feels like a victory..."_

_"It is a victory Liv. And I think I know what you mean...I think I'm beginning to understand how much of yourself you feel you have lost, and how regaining any of that, through any means, is a lot more than just a victory in that moment."_

I nod gently at him.

_"I can only imagine how big a step taking your underwear off was, or looking at you reflection like that, or allowing yourself to feel pleasure, in front of me...or touching me...or being comfortable to have me so close to you...they were all huge steps...I really hope I didn't push too hard?"_

_"You didn't Rafael, I needed to be pushed...I'd tell you if you were pushing too hard...this is why I push myself..."_

**_'I'll never reach my destination_ **

**_If I never try_ **

**_So I will sail my vessel_ **

**_'Til the river runs dry'_ **

He nods carefully. _"It's nearly time to get ready for work Liv, you have a shower while I make breakfast...let me get you something to wear until you get home to change."_

I nod back at him as he steps out of the tub and helps me out. He wraps a towel softly around my shoulders as he lets the water out of the bath and starts the shower for me.

_"That was a particularly good start to the day Rafael...thank you..."_

He looks at me like I'm completely crazy, _"You're thanking me? God Liv, you'll be the death of me..."_

I roll my eyes at the familiar phrase...as I throw off the towel carelessly, and step into the shower, still firmly in the grip of the confidence, of a victory.

**_'Yes, I will sail my vessel_ **

**_'Til the river runs dry_ **

**_'Til the river runs dry'_ **


	34. Definitions

**A/N So...I've borrowed the words for this from sources I shall credit at the end. They're not from a song...**

**I was very reticent to attribute experiences to Liv, what we saw in 'Surrender Benson' was horrific enough, but the cut away into the bathroom left too many unanswered questions...I feel Liv needs to admit it, Rafael needs to hear it and it feels like you have given me permission to touch on it. I think it feels plausible, for me, within in the boundaries of the show, within her stated denials...that this could have happened.......it also feels like a good example of how confusing the whole subject is... That said it is pretty harsh, it is not pretty to read or think about, it is very much on the darker end of the spectrum, it is controlling, demeaning and horrible, it is not intricately detailed, it’s more snapshots of actions...so if you don't want to read these parts of the chapter, skip the bits mark ** and I'll either summarize the important bits or bring them up again before the next chapter, because as you will see if you do read, this conversation is not finished....**

The work day flies by, in series of increasingly frustrating, dead ended, leads, that leave us no closer to an answer in the death of a young prostitute, who probably never had much of a chance of the better life she came here to find. We believe her to be from Eastern Europe but so far, have had no luck in tracking down her identity; apart from the name she was known as on the streets; Anastasia.

As the work day draws to a close, I'm forced to admit that there will be few more days where we can spend so much time tracing down dead end leads, before another case forces us to split our focus, until Anastasia's case is relegated to become one of the files we eventually have to close and hand over to the cold case squad. It is a sad fact of life that I just can't authorize overtime for the team, in every case that crosses our desks. All we can do is hope that

Melinda can find something to help us, or this poor girl may never even be properly identified.

Her photo joins the file that I keep in my desk, of cases that have never really left me, because there have been no answers.

A gentle tap at the door, pulls me from my thoughts, _"Amanda, come in..."_

She makes her way into the office, taking a seat across from me. _"I hate the ones like this, that we can't even identify...not being able to get justice is bad but to not even be able to give her an identity..."_ she shakes her head in despair.

I can only agree with her, there is no justice in this horror.

" _Ehmmm I just wanted to check in on you, on my way home...?"_ she mutters gingerly.

I smile at her thoughtfulness. _"Thanks Amanda, and thank you so much for yesterday..."_

_"Anytime Liv, really..."_

I need her advice, so I force myself to keep talking, _"I screwed up big time with Rafael. I said something that should never have been said...he's being amazing about it, but it doesn't make it right."_

She nods understandingly.

_"I didn't think things were salvageable at first, I guess I have a bit more hope now, but...he needs to know what happened with Lewis, and I'm not sure I can tell him..."_

I wasn't able to say this to Fin, earlier when he asked about last night. Despite his unwavering support, this feels like something I just can't discuss with him, but I know that Amanda understands the crushing secrecy that accompanies such an attack.

 _"Are you sure you want to tell him Liv?"_ she asks quietly.

I shake my head, _"No, I'm not. I don't want to tell anyone, those are details I'd be more than happy to take to the grave, but he needs to know and I guess in some way maybe I need to tell him..."_

She nods at my me, _"You know you don't have to tell him anything to make up for something you said, that you feel you shouldn't have...he has no right to leverage information like that."_

_"He's not Amanda. And I'm not doing it to try and make up for what I said, it's really not why I'm telling him...he needs to know."_

She looks at me questioningly.

 _"Eventually it needs to come out?"_ she asks carefully and I just nod. I can see from her face that she understands this, more than, in just the obvious admission, she made to Barba in trial prep.

_"I don't know what to say...I don't know how much to tell him...or what words to use...I'm really lost on this one..."_

_"I'm not sure how much help I can be Liv. I didn't plan to tell Nick...I was actually ducking him, to avoid having to talk to him, even though I swore I wasn't,"_ she chuckles slightly, at the memory, _"And when he pushed to make sure I was really ok, it just all spiraled, until the words tumbled out to him...I said so much more than I intended to him, gave him way too much detail...more than anyone else...and it was terrifying, I was so scared he'd be disgusted, that he'd echo their words, but he didn't...he was amazing...he was so supportive, and he made me feel so much better, his belief, his validation of my feelings, he helped me onto the path of healing so much...if it wasn't for him I'd never have even seen a therapist..."_

I can't help the smile that this brings forward, _"I did wonder what happened to cause such a change in your feelings about seeing a therapist...he's a really good guy."_

She nods softly, and I can see how much she misses him, in her bittersweet smile, _"So is Barba. I didn't see it before I dropped that bombshell on him, but he's a good guy too. And he clearly adores you Liv..."_

_"What if him being a good guy isn't enough though? We know the toll that details like this take on you..."_

_"He can talk to any of us Liv. We'd all be here for him... He doesn't have to do it alone..."_

I'm very aware that she had been very careful not to ask for the details I have so diligently kept locked inside, and I don't ask what she confessed, unintentionally, to Nick.

We both know that such details are intensely personal, and are unnecessary in our current conversation, so we don't push.

It would sound, to an outside observer, that we are hiding from the most important part of the conversation, I'm sure, when we are in fact, only focused on the most important part, it is the feelings that matter, not the detail, to us.

_"And from what I can see, he knows more than anyone, about what happened with Lewis already Liv, and none of it has effected how he sees you..."_

I can't help but smile at her understanding. I really am terrified that he will reject me once he knows...

_"I don't know how to do it?"_

_"I'm not sure these kind of conversations can be planned beyond deciding what you definitely will and won't say, and even that can change...when it all starts tumbling out..."_

I nod at our shared understanding.

_"We took so many steps forward, last night and this morning, I'm almost afraid to ruin it...but I promised him,... how do we even have that conversation?"_

_"How do you have all the other important conversations Liv?"_

Before I can stop myself I have said, _"Hmmmmmm, no that definitely won't work"_ as I picture us lying in bed or in the bath.

She doesn't even try to hide her glee as she grins at me, _"Really?"._

I roll me eyes at her, " _It's not like that Amanda...I mean we've made a lot of steps forward...but we haven't...I mean..."_

She laughingly holds a hand up at me, _"I get it Liv...but things are going well?"_

I try not to look embarrassed as I nod. _"He has been incredible, really patient and really good..."_

_"Liv, you deserve that...I know that feels like so much...but that's the very least we deserve..."_

I nod sadly, as I understand how skewed our perspective has become, that this feels like a huge concession to us, that someone could consider us worthy of their patience and not want to force their will on us.

Her support gives me the confidence to text Rafael,

_[I need to tell you what happened, can we talk tonight? Maybe you could come over when you finish work?]_

As soon as the words are typed, I feel my stomach sink as I hit send before I can rethink it.

_"It's ok Liv, you're doing the right thing...and you only have to tell him as much as you are comfortable with..."_

I nod as the phone beeps with a reply, and I can barely bring myself to look at it, already regretting my bold action.

_[Of course. I'll be there as early as I can... See you soon Liv]_

I look up at Amanda with barely concealed terror, _"It's done..."_

She assures me quietly again, of how he's a good guy, and it will be ok. Of how the silence is harder than the truth, of how she is there if I need anything, how they are all there if they can do anything to help, as she bustles me out of the office, with a quick squeeze of my hand...

When I get home, I realize how much later it is than I thought it was, as Noah is already fast asleep, and I thank Lucy profusely for her flexibility and understanding for staying last night. She shrugs off my thanks and asks am I ok, that I look pale? I assure her I'm fine and see her out, before collapsing onto the couch, as I desperately wish I hadn't sent that text, and that I could still wriggle out of this discussion.

When I hear Rafael's soft rap on the door, my hands start to shake.

My movement toward the door is sluggish, slow, and my legs wobble unsteadily under me, as I pull it open.

He smiles widely at me, quickly pulling me into a one armed hug as enters.

_"I brought us some soup, and I make a mean grilled cheese, for later when we get hungry..."_

I try to smile back at him, as he puts down his bags.

As always, he hangs up his suit bag and throws the soup and other items into the fridge.

I stand unmoving, in the center of the living area, suddenly really unsure, as he moves back over to me, taking my hand and leading me to sit on the couch. He sits down beside me, immediately conscious of how 'on edge' I am about this discussion. He seems to instinctively understand how I need to get this done...

He looks at me carefully, wanting to let me start this conversation however I want to, but the doubts and fears start to swallow me whole, as I look into his eyes.

 _"What happened Liv?"_ he softly prompts.

I pull my legs up to my chin, and try to still the faint shaking of my hands, by clenching them into fists.

He pulls open his tie even further, as he sees how truly nervous I am.

_"It's ok Liv, take as much time as you need, I'm here...there's no rush...I'm not going anywhere..."_

He seems to understand that I can't be touched at this moment, as he sits beside me but doesn't reach for me.

He seems content to just sit and wait, as I try to find an entrance into the secrets I'm so loath to share.

 _"I don't think I can say it..."_ I whisper.

He tenderly takes my hand in his, _"Yes you can Liv,...you've lived through it...you can say it..."_

When I pull my hand away from him he makes no attempt to chase it, instead he turns to me, pulling his leg up onto the couch in front of him, resting his hands on his leg.

_"I thought that when I tried to make things clearer, it would be enough...I thought that ruling out things that had their own special terms, it would give you enough...I didn't mean to open this all up again..."_

_"It was never really closed Liv. It was always going to have to be discussed...I just didn't know how to ask, if I was even allowed to ask..."_

_"Did you understand what I was trying to tell you Rafael?"_

_"I think so Liv...that you chose the term sexual assault carefully, that you didn't use the word rape, or sodomy..."_

I nod tentatively.

_"Have you told anyone, Liv?"_

I shake my head.

_"Not even Dr. Lindstrom?"_

Again I shake my head, already feeling the weakness filling me.

_"Don't you need to get it out?"_

I nod, as tears roll unnoticed down my face.

_"Then tell me Liv..."_

I chew my lip thoughtfully, as I try to brush away the tears that feel omnipresent.

I take a couple of deep breaths and nod slightly...

_"Can you define ...rape...for me, Rafael?"_

My quiet voice fades even more, as I choke out the word, and his pallor immediately, deepens visibly.

 _"Legally?"_ he croaks.

I nod, not making eye contact with him.

He licks his lips, _"Under New York Penal Law;_

**_Rape in the First Degree (Class B Violent Felony)_ **

**_Up to 25 Years in Prison:_ **

**_Rape in the First Degree has occurred when a male engages in sexual intercourse with a female:_ **

**_By forcible compulsion; or_ **

**_Who is incapable of consent by reason of being physically helpless; or_ **

**_Who is less than 11 years old."_ **

I nod at the very familiar words.

I tap gently on my phone, handing it to him when I call up what I am looking for...

**_Rape(noun)_ **

**_unlawful sexual intercourse or any other sexual penetration of the vagina, anus, or mouth of another person, with or without force, by a sex organ, other body part, or foreign object, without the consent of the victim._ **

_"This is how the dictionary defines it..."_ I whisper.

He looks at it with undisguised terror as he reads, and looks at me, before re-reading it carefully.

When he is sure he has taken in it properly, he passes the phone back to me, and I can see a gentle tremor in his hand.

 _"So which is correct?"_ I ask him quietly, hating the weakness in my voice.

He takes a deep breath, rubbing his hand through his hair, _"Outside of a court of law,... the dictionary...Liv, it's more true..."_

He tries to make his voice strong but it quivers slightly, and the dread is beginning to show on his face. There's no surprise; I think he always half-expected this, but I can see it is causing him pain nonetheless.

_"There's no one definition...nearly every state, every country, defines it differently...so it becomes a game of semantics, a word shuffle where two people are using the same words but with such different meanings...I've found a definition that adds the words 'however slight' to the dictionary..."_

He looks at me, in confusion. Again I tap on my phone, until I find what I am looking for and pass it to him.

**_"Illinois State law defines sexual assault as:_ **

**_Sexual penetration by force or threat of force or an act of sexual penetration when the victim was unable to understand the nature of the_ ** **_act or was unable to give knowing consent. (720 ILCS 5 Criminal Code of 1961 §12-13)_ **

**_Illinois law defines sexual penetration as:_ **

**_Any contact, however slight, between the sex organ or anus of one person by an object, the sex organ, mouth, or anus of another person,_ ** **_or any intrusion, however slight, of any part of the body of one person or of any object into the sex organ or anus of another person,_ ** **_including but not limited to cunnilingus, fellatio, or anal penetration. Evidence of emission of semen is not required to prove sexual_ ** **_penetration (720 ILCS 5 Criminal Code of 1961 §12-12(f))."_ **

_"This isn't even defined as rape, this is sexual assault..."_

He swallows deeply, nodding. I can see how much willpower it is taking him, to allow me to continue at my own speed, but he does, handing me back the phone carefully.

_"If I don't know what to call what happened...how can someone who is not an SVU cop be expected to know?"_

He struggles to speak as he tries to force some words out,

_"So don't worry about the semantics, for now, Liv. Don't try to package it all up in a definition, I can see how confusing it must be ...just tell me what happened?"_

_"It's not that simple, Rafel."_

_"I know it's not Liv...I can see how easy it would be to get lost in the vagaries of the definitions...or to hide in amongst them..."_

_"Or to twist them to suit your own purposes..."_ I add bitterly, aware that my secrets are about to be unmasked.

_"I don't know where to start...four days is a long time..."_

His mouth drops open slightly as he nods his agreement, _"Four days can feel like a lifetime...start anywhere you can Liv..."_

We both seem to try to ready ourselves as we take deep breaths...

_"Some of it, you know, or guessed...how **his** hands were all over me, touching, rubbing, squeezing, groping... **his** hands would slide up under my shirt, into my bra...how **he** burned, and cut me...you saw the pictures..."_

He nods sadly, seemingly unable to keep the images from flooding his mind.

Now when it feels like tears would be almost, acceptable, I am dry eyed.

Rafael seems so far away, despite his leg being close enough to brush against, with the barest movement as I pick up where I left off...

_" **He** would push **himself** up against me, from behind, and in front, while holding the handcuffs around my wrists... **He** 'd rub against me, telling me **he** could feel I was enjoying it...I wasn't..."_

As the words slip from my lips, I realize I have shutdown. I'm feeling nothing as it all tumbles out. I can't do this if I allow myself to feel.

_****" **His** hands touched every inch of me, **he** wanted to take possession of my body... **he** tried to alternate between pain and what **he** called pleasure...twisting my nipples, bruising me, squeezing...jabbing **his** fingers..."_

I can see the pain on his face. But the words can't be stopped now...

_" **He** lurched over me, shoved my face into **his** pant covered crotch, until I thought I'd suffocate. **He** pushed his fingers into my mouth, telling me **his**...penis was next... **He** kept shoving the gun into my mouth..._

**_He_ ** _rubbed **himself** , as **he** jammed **his** hand between my legs..._

_And when we were in the Mayer's...what **he** did to her, in front of me...when... **it**...was out of **his** pants, he tried to... **he** rubbed it all over me...like he was marking me..."_

He is battling his emotions when I look into the green eyes staring back at me. As silence falls between us, he nods gently, silently asking me to continue.

_"When we got to the beach house, **he'd** killed Mr. Mayer, the young policeman, and Mrs. Mayer for all I knew... **he** had nothing left to lose... **he** had made it clear what was going to happen...and I was so stupid...I needed the bathroom...I gestured to it...I should have known how stupid it was...Why would I put myself in the situation of voluntarily taking any of my clothes off?"_

Now as I look to the man beside me, his eyes have not left me, but he has lost the emotional battle and tears have started to roll down his face. He seems to instinctively understand, that this is where the real secrets lie. I take slight consolation in the fact that beneath the tears is a look of agony, and not disgust, but there all comfort ends.

When I pick up my tale, my voice is even more brittle...

_"I couldn't even get up off the bed, **he** had to help me, **he** took such pleasure in telling me **he** could help me... **he** pulled me up against **him** , **he** had the gun, I was woozy, my hands were cuffed, my mouth taped...I though **he'd** take off the handcuffs...but **he** didn't... **he** pulled down my pants...my underwear... **he'd** only pulled my clothes aside or reached inside them up to this, and it was my own fault **he** was pulling them down... **he** rubbed me with the gun, **he'd** done it before but not like this... **he** pushed me down onto the toilet, and for a second I let myself believe **he** would just let me use the toilet...but when I was finished... **he**...wiped me...I screamed, but the tape over my mouth muffled it, **he** started to say things like 'Oh baby why didn't you say this is what you wanted?'... **he** shoved me over the sink, and ran **his** fingers...along me... **he** said things... **he** pushed his fingers...inside me...it hurt... **he** just wouldn't shut up... **he** kept talking and talking...each vile word worse that the last...I tried to fight against **him** , I didn't care anymore if **he** killed me, I just wanted it to be over...the more I fought, the more **he** liked it... **he** pushed me down harder, **he** threatened me with the gun...pushed it against me...into me...the more I struggled the more I moved against **him**...I could feel **him**... **he** pulled **himself** out of his pants, ...rubbed **it** against me... **he** wasn't fully ready, but he started to try to push into me, **he** couldn't, really...but it was enough... **he** said 'not now...not when we can take our time'... **he** pulled my pants and underwear up and locked me to the bed while **he** went to get rid of the car, but when **he** came back...I knew..."_

The man that sits beside me is now sobbing outright, but his eyes are still on me.

I can't stop though...

_"That's why I taunted **him** about not being able to get **it** up for a real woman, when I tried to escape...It was my last hope, either I escaped, or **he** killed me...I needed it to end, one way or the other..._

_So all I had to cling to, was the assertion that **he** didn't rape me...because by the legal definition **he** didn't...and then it became all the control I had left...and **he** tried to take even that from me, when **he** offered to plead...and it felt like all the effort, had been for nothing, all the carefully chosen words, the carefully choreographed movements and explanations during the rape kit...the cleaning up...I didn't want anyone to know how close it came...because no matter how bad it got, **he** didn't rape me..."_

**** I feel like an alien as I watch how upset Rafael is, like I can't understand the emotions as I sit in my numb body.

I want to reach my hand out to him, but it refuses to obey the simple command, clinging instead, to my own arms that have wrapped around me.

The silence seems too quiet, so I head to the kitchen to make tea.

As I fill the kettle, I see him cradle his head in his hands, and his soft sobs are all that can be heard in the unnerving silence.

I must have zoned out for a moment, because the next thing I know, he is standing beside me, and the kettle is screaming.

 _"Liv are you ok?"_ he asks in a whisper, lightly touching my arm.

I pull away quickly, assuring him _"I'm fine. Are you ok? You look upset..."_

He looks at me as if I am crazy, _"I am upset Liv. Are you not upset?"_

I shrug my shoulders.

_"It could have been worse..."_

_"Liv, don't say that...how have you kept **this** inside you all this time?"_

_"Because it was still only sexual assault...there were already enough examples of that..."_

His mouth drops open in disbelief.

He seems incapable of speaking as he looks at me, shaking his head slightly.

_"Can I ask you a question Liv?"_

I nod my permission.

_"Do you really believe that? That it could have been worse, that it was only sexual assault?"_

_"You think it couldn't have been worse? He could have done to me, what he did to Mrs. Mayer...or Mr. Mayer...?"_

_"Liv, sit down and talk to me...please?"_

He leads me to the small table, pulling out a chair for me.

 _"I'll make you that tea..."_ he says quickly throwing tea bags into cups, and pouring hot water over them.

He sits down beside me, his left hand wrapping around the warm cup, as his right stretches towards me.

The warm tea is starting to thaw the frost that protects me, and I reach out to take his hand carefully.

He hasn't even bothered to try and wipe away the tears that still glisten on his face, so I put down my tea and brush them away for him.

 _"I told you, you didn't want to know..."_ I whisper.

He also pushes his tea aside, taking my two hands in his, _"I never said I didn't want to know Liv, it was agonizing to hear what you went through...in so many ways it was worse than I thought it was going to be...but I needed to know..."_

I meet his green eyes slowly.

_"How do you feel Liv?"_

_"Disgusted...that I let so much happen..."_

I see him struggle to know how to answer me, as he considers carefully.

_"Liv, why are the definitions so important to you?"_

_"I need to know what to call what happened..."_

_"And do you? Do you know what to call it?"_

Once again his choice of question surprises me.

_"I don't know, sometimes it feels like I do, I can remind myself that he didn't rape me, that after all he did, I still won, because he never got to do what he wanted to...but sometimes it feels like such a hollow win, that it is worth nothing...and that maybe the semantics don't matter, because regardless of the name I put on his actions, the effect is still the same..."_

_"So can you tell me, what do you call it?"_

_"Sexual Assault"_ I whisper.

_"Is that what you feel best describes what he did, or is that a legal definition?"_

The numb distance that protected me as I was drawn back into **his** clutches, as my story spilled out, fades more with every passing moment, and the emotional toll builds conversely, so I feel ill equipped to play this word game now, even though I started it.

_"I'm a cop, my definition is the legal one."_

_"I'm a lawyer, Liv, I understand the legalities, but as a man, legal definitions aren't always adequate...Outside of a courtroom, this man believes the dictionary definition, with the addition of the term 'however slight',... but where does that leave you?"_

_"So you're saying he did...that I should have taken his plea deal?"_ My anger is instant, and burns incandescently.

_"That's not what I'm saying Liv, not at all...fuck his deal...he's dead and I'm glad...I don't care about his deal... I care about you...if you stray from the narrow legal definition...if you use a different definition, then how do things change, for you...?"_

_"You mean if I have to admit that he did actually rape me...? "_

My blunt, harsh, words surprise us both. As silence descends on us, we both seem to realize the truth in my awful words...

 

 

**NY statutes courtesy of Hunter College, City University of New York website**

**General definition courtesy of dictionary.com website**

**Illinois definition courtesy of Northwestern University website**


	35. In your eyes

**_"In your eyes"_ ** **by _Peter Gabriel_ , again being a music snob the version performed live in Capetown South Africa in 2004 for the 46664 ** **concert for Mandela with Youssou N'Dour and Angelique Kidjo is by far the best ever...check it out on you tube...**

_"I'm a cop, my definition is the legal one."_

_"I'm a lawyer, Liv, I understand the legalities, but as a man, legal definitions aren't always adequate...Outside of a courtroom, this man believes the dictionary definition, with the addition of the term 'however slight', but where does that leave you?"_

_"So you're saying he did...that I should have taken **his** plea deal?" _ My anger is instant, and burns incandescently.

_"That's not what I'm saying Liv, not at all...fuck **his** deal... **he's** dead and I'm glad...I don't care about **his** deal... I care about you...if you stray from the narrow legal definition...if you use a different definition, then how do things change, for you...?"_

_"You mean if I have to admit that **he** did actually rape me...? "_

My blunt, harsh, words surprise us both. As silence descends on us, we both seem to realize the truth in my awful words...

It seems like there are absolutely no words possible, for either of us, in this circumstance.

His face is a mask of shock and pain, and I can only imagine mine looks very similar.

He looks straight at me, almost unable to look anywhere else, as I look anywhere but into the green eyes that bore into my soul.

The silence stretches out lengthily, before us, and neither of us seems to know how to break it, so we don't try.

We sit there cradling cooling tea that neither of us is drinking, lost in our thoughts.

Eventually his croaky voice whispers, _"I don't know what to say, or do, Liv..."_

_"Neither do I"_

_"We can't pretend you didn't say it..."_

I shake my head I know we can't.

_"Do you think you can talk about it?"_

**_'Accepting all I've done and said_ **

**_I want to stand and stare again_ **

**_'Til there's nothing left out, oh whoa whoa'_ **

I want to say no, I don't want to try to discuss this now, but I also can't get it out of my head, I don't want to leave it hanging over me...unresolved... I shrug non-committedly.

He rubs his hands over his face, pulling his tie off and opening his shirt, until little more than half the buttons are still done.

_"What are you thinking Liv?"_

_"...Definitions..."_

He nods thoughtfully. _"It's not something I've ever thought enough about Liv...I've always known the legal definition is too narrow, we see that too often...and I know some of the neighbouring state's definitions, and federal definitions, but how did I never think of it like this?"_

I can't stop myself from pushing my chair beside him and wrapping my arms tightly around him. When I make that first move, there is no more hesitation on his part, as his arms wind around me, and he gently kisses me.

**_'It remains there in your eyes_ **

**_Whatever comes and goes_ **

**_I will hear your silent call_ **

**_I will touch this tender wall_ **

**_'Til I know I'm home again, oh'_ **

_"I didn't mean to push you like this Liv..."_

_"No Rafael, you didn't...it's been in my head for a while...I'm not sure it ever really left...I know it's stupid...but it really matters..."_

_"Liv, I'm so scared of saying the wrong thing, of hurting you accidentally, will you promise to clarify, or tell me if I say something you don't really know what I mean by, or something that upsets you?"_

His care for me touches me deeply, and I stroke his cheek, _"I promise..."_

_"Liv do you really think that... raping you... was **his** whole intent?"_

I shake my head, _"No. I know it wasn't. I know **he** focused so intently on me, because **he** wanted to break me down, from the haughty, self-confident, in-control woman **he** saw in his interrogation...I know breaking me down was what **he** wanted..."_

He takes my face in his hands, caressing it softly, _" **That**... **he** did fail at Liv..."_

 _"Sometimes I'm not so sure..."_ the words are mouthed rather than said out loud.

_"I am Liv, you are not broken... **he** did not break you... **he** hurt you, so badly, even worse than I was aware of...but you are so strong that it didn't break you, **he** didn't break you..."_

_"I didn't lie Rafael, by our legal definition, **he** didn't..."_

A tear escapes down his cheek, which I kiss away tenderly.

 _"I know Liv. You didn't lie. In this state, with the way the law is, we couldn't have made any other case...but..."_ he falters until I nod for him to continue _, "if we were to push the law to one side, how do you feel?"_

_"You mean, does it feel like **he** sexually assaulted me...?"_

There's a long hesitation before he answers, _"I don't know whether it helps or hurts to be having this conversation, I don't whether putting a definition on what happened, is what you really want to do...I don't know what that definition should be...I can only imagine how confusing this all is..."_

I take him by the hand and lead him to the couch where I curl into him as tight as I can, and he gladly curls into me.

**_'Love, I get so lost, sometimes_ **

**_Days pass and this emptiness fills my heart_ **

**_When I want to run away I drive off in my car_ **

**_But whichever way I go, I come back to the place you are'_ **

_"I was afraid you wouldn't want me when you heard..."_ I whisper...

He meets my eyes carefully before he speaks, and his voice is strong and confident, _"Liv, nothing you could ever say, nothing **he** did, nothing **he** could ever do, would change how I feel about you...I'm a bit shocked, I'm devastated for you, that you went through that, that you kept it all inside, that you felt so much pain...but it doesn't change anything...Liv, te quiero...I know it scares you, and there's no reciprocation expected, there's no pressure, I just want you to know, I'm not going anywhere...do you really want to try and define what happened?"_

**_'And all my instincts, they return_ **

**_And the grand facade, so soon will burn_ **

**_Without a noise, without my pride_ **

**_I reach out from the inside_ **

**_In your eyes, the light, the heat_ **

**_In your eyes I am complete_ **

**_In your eyes, the resolution_ **

**_Of all the fruitless searches'_ **

His words have terrified me...so I'm very glad he has quickly changed the subject and given me something else to focus on.

I can only nod softly, I need a definition, I need to be able to say what **he** did to me and believe it is what **he** did, not to have to say _' **he** sexually assaulted me...and the other stuff...' _for one moment longer.

_"I know I wasn't always conscious, and that **he** could have done something then...but I don't think **he** did...I just need to be able to say in my own head that what happened was...without feeling like I need to add a codicil."_

He gently strokes my hair, _"Ok...let's do that then...dictionary?..."_

I know he is being slightly oblique in his references to make it easier on me...he knows that I'm no longer trying to hide, but he also knows how difficult this is...

I nod tightly.

_"With the 'however slight'?"_

_"I don't know Rafael. This feels a little like 'attempted rape'...it feels ridiculous...at what point does sexual assault become attempted rape? At what point does attempted rape become rape? It's all too subjective, too open to interpretation..."_

_"I know Liv, and I do agree, but we're not writing laws, we're not deciding for other people, do you feel the words "however slight" should be in the definition, our personal definition..."_

My jaw clenches as I bite down, I can only nod again. When I push back the semantics, there are no degrees to this, the violation is achieved instantly...it's not a matter of inches, any invasion is a violation,... and just like that the realization I had been fighting dawns on me.

My own words have clarified my feelings,... **he** did...not as **he** wanted to...not as **he** intended to...but **he** did...when any part of **his** body, or a foreign object penetrated my body, **he** raped me...the words don't feel real in my head...they've rumbled around in there for too long, as I debated them, to be able to feel their truth in silence.

_"Any invasion is...a violation...any part of **him**...any... tool..."_

He nods so sadly, he can see my recognition, and he can't hold back the tears...

_"Even the gun in my mouth...the threat of...killing me..."_

He just holds me tight to him.

_"The gun... **his** fingers..."_

As my tears start to flow, he cradles my sobbing body to him.

_"Legally **he** didn't, but Rafael... **he** raped me... **he** did...didn't **he**?"_

He knows how important my whispered question is, so he looks me in the eye, _"Yes...Liv, **he** did...I'm so sorry, and I know this is a horrific revelation, that it's agonizing for you, that it feels like **he** has won...but nothing has changed... **he** has done exactly the same thing as **he** had done yesterday, or last year...this doesn't make what you suffered any more, or any less...what **he** did to you was monstrous, no matter what you call it...you still survived it, you are still thriving...none of that, is changed by this... **He** didn't get what **he** wanted, no matter what **he** did, no matter how **he** tortured you...you are not broken, and **he** is dead..."_

I cling to him as tears roll down my face. I'm sobbing, and there is huge pain in the admission, but surprisingly there is no despair. Somewhere deep inside me there is nothing new in this realization...I've said words I've never said before, but perhaps the idea is not completely new to me.

**_'Love, I don't like to see so much pain_ **

**_So much wasted and this moment keeps slipping away_ **

**_I get so tired of working so hard for our survival_ **

**_I look to the time with you to keep me awake and alive'_ **

I raise my head and see the tears rolling down Rafael's face too...

 _"How am I not completely enveloped in despair? How do I not feel like the world is ending?"_ I ask.

_"Because you have taken back the last bit of power **he** had Liv..."_

I try to figure out what he means, how have I taken back any power? All I have done is admit that despite all my assertions that **he** didn't get to me, **he** couldn't rape me, and **he** wasn't man enough to be able to complete the act... **he** did rape me. There's no power in that. I should feel even worse, weaker...

I'm tempted to say nothing, but I remember my promise...

_"I don't understand Rafael?"_

_"I told you there was no power in the words Liv, that you had the power, you were in control...I didn't really understand what you were telling me, what had happened, but the only power in the words is hiding them, or pulling them out of the shadows into the open, because when there is no more secret to hide, **he** loses **his** last claim on you...the power isn't the words, it's the ability to admit them, to face up to them..."_

_"But Rafael, if there is no power in the words, why did **he** offer to plead to...rape...why did **he** want to allocute to it in open court?”_

_"I'm so sorry Liv, I couldn't figure out why **he** offered that...I had some doubts...but..." _ he shakes his head quickly as if to clear his head of some unwanted images or thoughts _, " **he** wanted to force you to admit something you weren't ready to admit, **he** wanted to force you to hide, or to say something **he** hoped would break you down, because **he** knew **he** hadn't done it yet..."_

_"I hid..."_

_"For a time Liv...but some things take time... **he** tried to force your hand...and you wouldn't let **him**..."_

**_'In your eyes, I see the light and the heat_ **

**_In your eyes_ **

**_Oh, I want to be that complete_ **

**_I want to touch the light_ **

**_The heat I see in your eyes'_ **

_"Can we talk about the trial Rafael?"_

I don't miss the tightening of his jaw and the deep swallow, or the flash of guilt that crosses his eyes.

_"Of course Liv, I'm so sorry, I should have done more...I should have tripped **him** up, or forced **him** to reveal **himself**... **he** should never have been free to kidnap you and I should have gotten a conviction on the attempted rape charge..."_

Now it's my turn to tip his chin to meet my eyes, _"No Rafael, you did everything you could. Do you hear me? There is no reason for you to feel guilty. Not for **him** walking when Ms. Parker died, not for being unable to get a conviction on the sexual charges...none of it...I don't blame you, I never blamed you...We should have talked about it, so long before now...but I was so...anxious... to not mention it...like not talking about it could erase it...from history, from everybody's memory...Rafael, you are not to blame...you fought for me..."_

I can see he is hearing me, but the guilt is too deep to be absolved so easily...

_"I was so wrapped up in my own pain, during the trial...I couldn't let anyone else's in...it felt like another ounce of pain would tip me over the edge...but when I was talking to Fin, when you cared enough to call Fin and lay yourself open to him, for me...he reminded me that Lewis' trial nearly ate you up whole, he said they could see it was killing you...he was shocked that we'd never talked about it...I know you feel guilty, I was afraid that mentioning it would make you feel worse, but he was right when he told me that maybe you need to hear me say that I don't blame you, I appreciate how hard you fought for me, how you treated me so much like an equal, you never allowed me to feel weak, you never babied me but you always did everything you could to protect me, you never tried to BS me, you gave me the choice when Lewis offered to plead...you managed to help me feel like myself, even when I was breaking apart inside...I need you to hear it, and I need to say it...we weren't together Rafael, but you got me through it..."_

**_'And all my instincts, they return_ **

**_And the grand facade, so soon will burn_ **

**_Without a noise, without my pride_ **

**_I reach out from the inside_ **

**_In your eyes, the light, the heat_ **

**_In your eyes I am complete_ **

**_In your eyes I see the doorway_ **

**_To a thousand churches_ **

**_In your eyes, the resolution_ **

**_Of all the fruitless searches_ **

**_In your eyes, I see the light and the heat_ **

**_In your eyes_ **

**_Oh, I want to be that complete_ **

**_I want to touch the light_ **

**_The heat I see in your eyes'_ **

_"But I made you relive it and still didn't get convictions, I couldn't stop **him** from twisting it all..."_

_"No Rafael you couldn't...you tried, but you couldn't..."_ my hands caress his face, _"the trial was horrible...it felt like it was pulling the last parts of me apart...and when **he** decided to represent **himself,** I thought I couldn't take anymore...but every time I looked at you, I could see how absolutely livid you were at **his** questions, I could see how frustrated you were, how disgusted at **him** you were...I could see your support for me...I know I made it harder for you, trying to keep things from you,... and after Amanda's admission about Patton, I began to understand how hard it had to have been for you, looking at those photographs, reading the statements and reports, knowing what **he** did...you could have recused yourself, but you didn't, you fought for me..."_

I kiss him gently as I finish speaking. I know guilt is not washed away in one heartfelt speech, but the door has been opened. I can see he finds some relief in the fact that I don't blame him.

_"Rafael, you have been there for me...at every turn...even before we...you help me more than I believed was possible..."_

I try to get my thoughts in line, to marshal them into some semblance of order...I try to figure out what I'm feeling...

_"I've whispered words I never wanted to say about myself...Lewis did rape me...maybe not legally but **he** did...I've avoided saying that for too long, hell, I've avoided even acknowledging it in my own head, for fear of the damage it would do, knowing the repercussions that even, a private admission like that, would have...I was so sure coming into this conversation, that you would be disgusted, that you would walk away...but you didn't walk away...and saying those words, it isn't killing me, it's a relief...I feel free..."_

He smiles as he peppers small kisses across my face, hugging me tightly.

_"Liv you are the strongest woman I have ever met."_

_"Rafael,...I saw how upset you were when you heard what Patton did to Amanda...I saw how upset you were when I told you about Lewis...I know how much of a toll hearing something like that can take, please talk to one of the guys? Or a shrink? Please talk to someone? I need you healthy...I told Amanda today, that I needed to tell you what happened, she said she would be there if you want to talk, and you know Fin is there...They're my family, you don't have to keep secrets from them...you can tell them what I said...I'll tell them in time anyway...I know from Amanda's case against Patton, and Nadia's murder, how hard it hits when it's someone you know...I can only imagine how this will eat away at you if you let it, it has chipped away at me for too long already...I know there are some things you can't say to me, yet, at least...talk to them though...I know it helped me to talk to Fin and Amanda...and I know how much trust you put in Fin for me, do it again?"_

He nods slowly, _"Yeah, I will...it is hard to hear, hard to imagine you going through...Fin said he could maybe help me find a boyfriends and husbands support group, if you don't mind?"_

I smile widely, resting my head on his chest as my arms wrap around him once more, his arms rest on my shoulders stroking through my hair.

_"I don't want you to go anywhere Rafael...and since we're about to disclose our relationship to 1PP, IAB and the DA, I think it would be very appropriate for you to find a boyfriends group...and when you are ready, you can talk to me too, because I'm not going anywhere either..."_

**_'Accepting all I've done and said_ **

**_I want to stand and stare again_ **

**_'Til there's nothing left out, oh whoa whoa_ **

**_It remains there in your eyes_ **

**_Whatever comes and goes_ **

**_Oh, it's in your eyes'_ **


	36. She's like the wind

**_"She's like the wind"_ ** **by _Patrick Swayze_...cos no one puts Liv in a corner...**

She smiles widely, resting her head on my chest as her arms wrap around me once more, my arms rest on her shoulders stroking through her hair.

_"I don't want you to go anywhere Rafael...and since we're about to disclose our relationship to 1PP, IAB and the DA, I think it would be very appropriate for you to find a boyfriends group...and when you are ready, you can talk to me too, because I'm not going anywhere either..."_

I try not to make too big a deal of her words but I can't stop the Cheshire Cat grin that spreads across my face.

I didn't quite mean to say the words I did to her, I know how skittish they were liable to make her, but I needed her to believe me, when I told her that monster's actions could never change how I felt about her.

They're not words that come easily to my lips, but I mean them. I'm not sure when it happened, but it feels like I've loved her as long as I've known her.

The fear that followed the words has been relieved almost completely, as she tells me she wants to disclose our relationship...she doesn't want me to go anywhere and she is not going anywhere either...she has even said that a boyfriends group would be a very appropriate place for me...

**_'She's like the wind through my tree_ **

**_She rides the night next to me'_ **

As I lie with the woman I love cuddled to me, life feels pretty perfect until her less welcome words intrude into my joy.

 **He** raped her...

How could I not have seen this? How could I not have seen through her too fervent, denials and assertions...?

How did I picture rape as being penetrative sex, of one sex organ by another, and nothing less? I know so much better, but yet this was still my image... despite my legal training and my work with SVU, I still couldn't quite understand the scope of actions encompassed by this one horrible word...

As she showed me the dictionary definition, my mind really started to see the possibilities.

Even before she told me about all she had hidden, in my mind I had started to realize that **he** had raped her by forcing that gun into her mouth...there is no denial that this action was sexual... **he** could have scared her by just pointing it at her head... **he** wanted so much more from this action...

I try to imagine how it must have felt for her, to have anything, unwanted, penetrate her body...I just can't, but equally, I can't get rid of the images it conjures up...

Why, even now, am I unconsciously ordering her experiences into some semblance of categorization? Why is **his** semi flaccid penis penetrating her _"however slightly",_ somehow worse than her own gun forcing its way inside her?

Why are **his** fingers touching her, penetrating her, less egregious than **his** penis?

Why the fuck would she have told me earlier, when this is how I'm thinking?

I'm struggling once more to control my emotions as all of this, whirls through my head.

**_'She leads me through moonlight_ **

**_Only to burn me with the sun_ **

**_She's taken my heart_ **

**_But she doesn't know what she's done'_ **

As I look down, I see a beautiful pair of chocolate brown eyes peering back at me, _"What are you thinking Rafael?"_

I want to seem strong for her, I want to say something 'good'...she is so much more resilient than me...she can build on this morning's incredible victory, to this...and I can't get rid of the images of that **monster** hurting her...

She seems to sense what fills my thoughts as she sits back slightly, _"It's ok, I know it was a lot to take in, you can need to just think about it...you can ask me questions...you don't have to keep it inside..."_

**_'I feel her breath on my face_ **

**_Her body close to me_ **

**_Can't look in her eyes_ **

**_She's out of my league'_ **

As I try to deny the snapshots that keep forcing their way into my mind, the words just slip out almost unnoticed... _"How did you keep it inside for so long?"_

_"Because it never felt like I was keeping it in, it felt like it was just more of the same...I'd admitted so much...it wasn't like I'd tried to pretend nothing had happened..."_

_"And the rape kit?"_

_"I'm an SVU cop...I knew what it was looking for...I'd already set their expectations...and there were so many other injuries, it wasn't hard to hurry them along, to allude to kicks, to other feasible explanations, for external bruising and marks, for anything they found...I used their professional courtesy to a beaten cop, I manipulated my discomfort at strategic moments, to deny them tiny details...I helped them find what I wanted them to find...I couldn't refuse it, it would have drawn too much suspicion..."_

I almost can't fathom how, after all she had been through, she could think it was necessary to expend so much precious energy in this strategic thinking, to hide something she didn't have any reason to hide...

I didn't see her in the initial aftermath...I didn't see what state she was in...it was only through my conversations with Captain Cragen that I learned how severe the effects were. I have my suspicions that he wasn't even fully aware of its whole impact, despite his all-seeing eyes.

I desperately want to ask her why she felt it needed to be kept a secret, why she wanted to hide it from her doctors, her team, her family...from me...

But I can't ask the question. My lips won't form the question, my mind won't allow me to ask it, for fear it can't deal with the answer...

**_'Just a fool to believe_ **

**_I have anything she needs_ **

**_She's like the wind'_ **

Is it any wonder now, that she was afraid of my body...that she saw, **him** , when she was faced with my naked flesh...?

Is it any wonder that her fear of being hurt again, runs so deep, that she just can't truly believe that any man, is completely incapable of it...?

I feel even more unreasonable now, for my reaction to her unintended words, when she said she was afraid I would just take what I wanted from her...why was I so angry?

As I lie with her here, I can't imagine how any one could ever want to hurt her?

I never want to let her out of my arms...

**_'I look in the mirror and all I see_ **

**_Is a young old man with only a dream_ **

**_Am I just fooling myself_ **

**_That she'll stop the pain_ **

**_Living without her_ **

**_I'd go insane'_ **

As I place a soft kiss on the top of her head, she moves closer to me, and I can feel my body responding to her proximity.

I'm gripped by a fear at my body's reaction; I don't want to scare her. I don't want her to feel that now...

And just like that, the realization becomes so much worse...I desire her, I want to see her, to feel her body, to touch her, nothing has changed...except it has, ...I can't imagine touching her without thinking about **him** touching her...I don't want anything we do to remind her, in any way, of what **he** forced upon her.

I know that there is no comparison, anything we have done or will ever do, is consensual...but my body is struggling to see the difference.

I feel a real fear that I may not be able to perform...that the horrors rampaging through my head will succeed in dimming my body's responses to her...

Should this happen, I'm sure she would see it as evidence of her disclosure having somehow, sullied her in my mind. I hate that just as she is rediscovering her sexual side, I am nearly unable to see her as the incredibly sexy woman she is...I can't separate the horrific images from my mind, as my arms gently encircle her now, I can't help the unspoken worry that this is reminiscent of something **he** did...

I cannot control the tears that force their way out...

**_'I feel her breath on my face_ **

**_Her body close to me_ **

**_Can't look in her eyes_ **

**_She's out of my league'_ **

As I softly stroke her hair she seems to feel something, and looks up to me,

 _"Rafael...what is it? Tell me?"_ she whispers as she tries to wipe away my tears.

_"How could **he**...how could anyone...?"_

She shakes her head slowly, there are no words to answer my question, and she knows it, I don't really expect an answer...

She pulls me to her, whispering reassurances in my ear, _"I know...but it's ok...it's over...I'm ok..."_

I hate that she is the one now comforting me, and that she is now, crying too.

_"I hate that **he** hurt you Liv...like that..."_

**_'Just a fool to believe_ **

**_I have anything she needs_ **

**_She's like the wind'_ **

As her tears begin to shake her body, I can only hug her tightly and cry with her, as the full emotional effect of her admission takes a hold of both of us.

She seems to cry until she is completely emotionally spent, and she starts to doze lightly.

I do the only thing I can.

I lift her up and carefully carry her to bed, setting her down as gently as I can.

As my arms release her into the soft mattress she almost, unconsciously, grabs for me, not wanting to be left alone with the demons, but I'm slightly off balance and only barely stop myself from tumbling onto her. She is still only semi awake, as my mind throws out the potential effects me falling on her could have had...

I stand there so unsure whether I should stay here with her, or whether I should sleep on the couch. I want to be there, I want to hold her all night, to kiss away her tears, but I'm also aware how fragile she must be at this moment, and how hyper-alert to any dangers her mind must be...

Her eyes flicker open and she holds her arms out to me, I crawl into the bed beside her, gently stroking her face as she curls her body into me, _"Go back to sleep Liv,...and sleep well..."_

I watch her drift back to a light sleep, but sleep proves elusive for me, as pictures from the evidence files are cut together with conjured images of her most recent disclosures...

Every time it feels like the images are too much, her soft breathing, her sleeping form, remind me that she is here, she survived, she is ok...even though

I'm not so sure she really is ok at this minute.

**_'I feel your breath on my face_ **

**_Your body close to me_ **

**_Can't look in your eyes_ **

**_You're out of my league'_ **

Many times through the following hours, she stirs, her face twisting in fear as a memory threatens to pull her into a nightmare. Each time I try to reassure her, softly stroking her face and whispering to her, and sometimes it's enough to shoo away the ghosts, other times she wakes, gasping wildly, her terror etched into her features, until she grounds herself in the present, and chases the nightmares away again.

Eventually my eyes slide shut, and the darkness that awaits me sucks me in.

Our sleep remains fitful, as monsters reach for us, trying to pull us into their hellish creations.

By the time we awaken to the weak autumn sun pouring in the window, we have overslept, despite feeling like we haven't slept at all. Neither of us had thought to set an alarm, in the emotional tumult of last night, and will now both be late, but as we sluggishly begin our morning routine, at an even slower pace than usual, we have to admit that we don't care how late we are.

Lucy arrives and takes charge of Noah as we struggle to shower and dress. We both reject breakfast, preferring to quickly guzzle down as much coffee as time allows.

_"I'm going to head into the squad before my office, why don't you leave your car Liv?"_

She looks to me as if I'm crazy before she realizes we are about to disclose our relationship and we don't have to hide anymore, so she nods gratefully.

We both say goodbye to Noah and Lucy and head down to my car. She immediately falls back against the seat as I start the engine. I can see she is not looking forward to the day ahead of her, as I squeeze her hand gently, and a soft smile finds its way across her lips.

I know I should be heading to my office, there is no real reason to go to the squad first, but I find myself unable to face the day without a few words to Fin, and I want to make sure someone is watching out for her today...

As we pull in front of the precinct, I glance across at her, she is pale and looks tired, but she is still undeniably beautiful.

**_'She's like the wind'_ **

I quickly look around and chance a brief kiss before we step out of the bubble we have created around ourselves, into harsh reality.

As we exit the elevator, the squad is its usual bustling self, but today it feels like everything is on fast forward...

Fin turns to us as we pick our way through the busy morning traffic, _"Morning Liv, ...Counselor..."_

He seems to take in our fragile state immediately as we return his greeting with nods.

 _"Carisi, I could definitely do with a decent coffee, do you think you could scare up a coffee run?"_ he asks softly.

Carisi is all too quick to agree, _"I'll go myself, this isn't coffee it's some sort of government experiment..."_ he gestures to our coffee station.

Fin chuckles, _"Are you sure you're not related to Munch?"_

This raises a smile from all of us as we gratefully place our orders.

Fin subtly catches my eye, silently questioning, and when I can't maintain eye contact he pulls a file from his desk, _"Counselor, I have a statement from our new victim, Susan Parsons..."_

I take the proffered file, as people go back to their desks and impatiently await their coffee.

I have barely begun to read the words when he quietly asks, _"Is she ok?"_

I want to reassure him she's fine but it feels like a lie, so I tell him the truth, _"She told me, last night,...what she had hidden...after Lewis. She didn't have a great night..."_

I can see his face tighten as he looks carefully at me, silently demanding my attention. As my eyes reluctantly meet his, he whispers, _"How bad?"._

I have no answer, except to drop my gaze to the floor as I fight back the tears that prick at my eyes.

This seems to be answer enough as he sinks into his chair, his hand unthinkingly rubbing his face.

He sits in silence, as I try to read the file he has given me, placing my briefcase between my feet and my jacket over the edge of his desk. It just won't go in though; the words seem to rearrange themselves into some form of hieroglyphic language long lost to history.

It seems like no time has passed before Carisi is back, balancing coffee cup carriers expertly. I gratefully snatch up my coffee as it is pointed out and take

Liv's into her, where she is on the phone in her office. She smiles at me, and I leave her quietly.

Fin has barely moved, when I return to pick up the file I hastily dropped as the coffee arrived.

 _"Actually Counselor, I 'm going to head out to the hospital to finish the statement if you want to join me?"_ he asks quietly.

I can only nod, grateful of the opportunity to talk to him, but also to work without having to sit at a desk. I balance that I need to speak to her anyway, as

I gather up my things, sucking at my coffee.

He stands up quickly, grabbing up his coffee, he sticks his head into Liv's office, no doubt informing her of his plans, she just nods gently with one hand over the receiver.

As we start to head out, he catches his partner's eye and gestures carefully to the office he has just left. She answers his barely there, gesture with an almost, imperceptible nod. Even after all this time I am still astounded how cops can communicate silently, but so effectively, with their partners.

Fin holds up his keys to indicate we're taking his car as we step into the elevator. Again I can only nod gratefully, at this time of the day, with the rush hour traffic the trip across town is likely to be glacially slow.

As we pull out of the parking lot of the precinct, he speaks without looking at me, _"Is she ok?"_

_"I'm not sure Fin, she says it's freeing to let it out, to admit it...but..."_

He nods tightly.

_"Are you ok?"_

I try to shrug, even less sure of how to answer this question.

_"You offered to help me find a boyfriends and husbands group...?"_

He nods quickly to this, _"I got a list of a couple of options, I'll send it to you..."_

I again, nod gratefully.

_"Barba, you don't have to tell me anything, to talk to me..."_

I can't help but smile sadly, _"She told me to talk to you, or Amanda...she told me I could tell you what she said, that she'd tell you herself, in time, anyway..."_

He acknowledges this with a quick dip of his head.

I want to talk so much, but all that fills the car is silence.

After a couple of minutes, he clears his throat softly, _"Man, I can't even imagine how you must be feeling..."_

His words break the dam, _"It feels unreal...how could she keep it inside her for so long? How could she...?"_

The tears start to roll down my face and I try to wipe them away but they are replaced quicker than I can push them away, and when I glance at him to see if he notices, I can see he is fighting his own tears and I just abandon my attempts to hide them and let them flow unashamedly.

_"I feel so useless Fin, she wound up comforting me..."_

He smiles through his tears, _"That sounds like Liv..."_

_"She had so many nightmares last night..."_

_"No offence Counselor, but you don't look like you slept either..."_

I shake my head.

_"I couldn't get the images out of my head..."_

_"You're doing the right thing Barba, you can't let it eat you up if you want to be there for her..."_

I nod, _"There are so many things running through my head, I'm so angry at **him** , I know she doesn't need to hear that...it doesn't help...and **he** 's dead...but...I'm livid...I wish I could bring **him** back to life, just so I can kill **him**...I'm devastated...I don't want for her to have felt that...I feel guilty...it was my fault **he** was free to kidnap her...I feel powerless, I can't undo what **he** did...I don't know what I can do...I want to fix it, but I can't...I feel sick, physically sick, when I think of it, but I'm terrified she'll think that she makes me sick..."_

He sighs deeply.

_"I don't think it is possible to not be angry, sickened...and I'm sure she understands that...but I'm also sure she doesn't blame you..."_

_"I know, she told me that...but I blame me..."_

_"We all blame ourselves, we should have checked in on her...shouldn't have let her go home alone, ...we should have found her..."_

I know what he is saying, that we all feel like we let her down.

_"You have to talk to her as well Barba. I understand that some stuff you don't want to tell her, and some stuff maybe she doesn't need to hear...it's a horrible line to walk...and you need to find a way to be the same with her, but also balance this knowledge...I just don't know man..."_

Even this acknowledgement means an immense amount.

_"We'd just taken such a huge step forward...she is so amazing...and now I'm terrified that she'll want to be physical in any way...because I'm not sure I can..."_

Saying this out loud feels like a huge betrayal but it needs an outlet...

_"I get that..."_

They're only three small words, eight letters, but it feels like a validation so big, it may crush me completely.

_"...I can't imagine...but you need to let her take full control...and when she's ready, you need to talk to her...she knows how hard it can be for partners...I've heard her counsel so many partners of victims; that the person they fell in love with is still in there, and they will show themselves again, and there's no shame in admitting to fear...I don't see how you can hear something like that from someone you love, and still be immediately ready to jump into bed with them...just remember that she trusts you, but she's not made of china either..."_

_"It's not her Fin, she hasn't changed at all in my eyes...she is still that same sexy, gorgeous woman...but I'm so afraid...that I'll touch her the wrong way...that I'll remind her...and when I think about her, like that... **he** keeps pushing his way in...it feels wrong to think of her in a sexual way..."_

_"Barba, you only found out last night...I'd be shocked if it wasn't haunting everything...but it will get better...and you wouldn't hurt her...she has given you her permission to think of her in a sexual way...don't feel guilty for it...it's not even remotely the same as it was with **him**...she is a beautiful woman, and it's not wrong to fantasize about her, to want her...feeling guilty will tear you apart...she's as crazy about you, as you are about her...you can find your way through this...and if you need help, call me, or Amanda...she can guide you in ways I can't...and she loves Liv too...you have to let your feelings out..."_

I can only nod, I feel so much better already, but the images of **him** are still playing almost unendingly in some part of my head...

_"I can understand you don't want to say the things that she told you...that you don't want to tell me, that you don't want to hear those words in your voice but I think you need to say them...to acknowledge them...to grieve for them..."_


	37. The end where I begin

**_"The end where I begin"_ ** **by _The Script_...**

I can only nod, I feel so much better already, but the images of **him** are still playing, almost unendingly, in some part of my head...

_"I can understand you don't want to say the things that she told you...that you don't want to tell me, that you don't want to hear those words in your voice but I think you need to say them...to acknowledge them...to grieve for them..."_

_'...to grieve for them..._ ' this is exactly what it feels I am doing, grieving...

As I see the tears continue to roll, haphazardly, down his face, I'm also aware of the depth of his feelings. How the woman we are talking about, is his sister.

I know that just as he is her family, she is his.

**_'Sometimes tears say all there is to say'_ **

I saw how he nearly went out of his mind, as they searched for her...in those horrendous four days.

I've seen how he has been there for her, at every possible juncture, since the recent news of Harris' death, and how after all this time, it was only then, that she was willing to talk to him about what she experienced in that prison...how did he live with that uncertainty for so long?

_"Fin, I'm so grateful for this...I don't think I could get through it if I had to do it alone...I'm not sure I'll ever get the images out of my head...You've been there, for me and for Liv...I saw how you were there for Amanda, when she disclosed...but who do you talk to? We can talk to each other. I know I can't say the words to you, but I have a feeling you know what I would say? She's your family...you need to look after yourself too..."_

He smiles slightly, _"Oh God! Now you're at it too? Liv already threw Amanda at me, to talk about Harris..."_

I can't help but grin back at him, _"That sounds like Liv...but really Fin, there are things I'd be afraid to say to Amanda...not that I don't trust her, but I'd be worried that they'd be too close to home...she is an amazing woman too, and she's so strong...but I wouldn't feel comfortable saying some of the things I can say to you, maybe our gender is part of that, but she has also suffered so horribly too...please, I'd feel so much better if we could talk to each other, instead of it just being me leaning on you all the time...I'm betting I'm gonna need an ear again, before this is over..."_

We are sitting in completely unmoving traffic, as he scrubs his hand across his face, _"I've been an SVU cop too long...I've always had my suspicions about what went on with Lewis...what I know of what she disclosed, just never felt like...everything. And I knew about Sealview, I'd seen her try to deny an assault...I'm not judging her...I can understand it...but when we found her, when Amaro led her out of that beach house...it wasn't Liv..."_

**_'Sometimes your first scars won't ever fade away'_ **

I try not to let my mind see what he is describing, but the emotionless way she told me what had really happened, keeps flashing through my mind...

I nod softly, silently telling him I understand, _"When she told me, last night...it's like she was switched off...she can't even talk about a case with that level of detachment...but after, when we talked more, it's like it hit her..."_

_"Barba, did she get medical help?"_

His question takes me by surprise. It's something I hadn't even considered. She submitted to the rape kit, she admitted she manipulated it, but she allowed doctors to administer one...surely she would have gotten medical treatment? How much medical treatment would she have needed? By obscuring the details she didn't want them to find, did she also deny herself medical attention...?

**_'Tried to break my heart, well it's broke'_ **

I look at the man sitting beside me, my mouth almost flapping, fish-like, as I try to find words, _"She said that she manipulated the rape kit, she gave plausible explanations for injuries and hurried it along...she couldn't have hidden injuries that needed medical attention...could she?"_

He shakes his head slightly but it feels more wishful than confident _... "She promised me, recently, that she has always gotten medical help when she needed it..."_ he mutters.

I can feel his lingering doubt despite his assurance.

 _"He raped her...she hid behind legalities, but he raped her..."_ I can hear the agony in his whispered words.

Not for the first time, the man's ability to read a situation completely astonishes me. I know it's not a question, that he already knows, but as I try to find words, I can't, and my head just drops as his words reverberate around the car.

**_'Tried to hang me high, well I'm choked'_ **

We both sit in silence for several agonizing blocks.

_"What do I do Fin?"_

_"What you're doing...be there for her..."_

I nod again, it seems simplistic, but it is all I can do for her...

 _"What are you thinking Fin?"_ I ask softly, as I watch his jaw clench.

He tries to shrug off my question at first, but then he seems to almost, need to say it.

 _"There are days I hate my job, we see so much...that I can actually picture it..."_ I can see he really is struggling with the same images that are haunting me...

_"She survived **him**...Fin, she's going to be ok..."_

He nods tightly, but the words are really of no comfort to either of us. Their truth is not enough to counter the immense pain of the reality of her suffering.

**_'Wanted rain on me, well I'm soaked, soaked to the skin'_ **

_"Fin, why don't you come to the group with me, I mean, she thinks of you as her brother...I'm sure it's open to friends too...I think we could both do with some support..."_

I can see that the quiet man is itching to rebuff my invitation, but he can't seem to...I understand that this is perhaps a huge admission of how right I really am, that he does need some support, so I say nothing and silently vow to try and convince him, to refuse to take no for an answer. Hell, on a purely selfish basis, I'd be so glad of the company to take that massive jump, to face doing something that comes so unnaturally to me, asking for help...

**_'It's the end where I begin, it's the end where I begin'_ **

In our own way, the silence answers the question more eloquently than any words.

There really is nothing I wouldn't say in a group, I wouldn't be comfortable to say in front of this man anyway...I can only hope he feels the same.

The rest of the journey to the hospital is silent, as we each, battle to control our bubbling emotions.

When we finally pull into the hospital, I start to quickly read the file that has been grasped, forgotten, in my hand this whole time.

Putting back on my lawyer mask, I realize I'm unprepared to interview this victim, _"Can we grab a quick coffee to give me a minute to read this file?"_ , I ask quickly.

He nods, seemingly glad of the opportunity to collect himself.

**_'Sometimes we don't learn from our mistakes_ **

**_And sometimes we've no choice but to walk away, away'_ **

A few minutes later, we are walking into the hospital room, of yet another woman, who has been victimized by a monster, but we are both desperately, trying to distance her from the woman who never leaves our minds. But our long practiced, professional, fronts allow us to do our job and comfort the hurt woman, as we gather the statement that will hopefully allow us to pursue her attacker to conviction.

As we leave Susan Parsons, the emotional toll is all too clear to me, on Fin's face, and when the elevator doors slide closed, and I am faced with the distorted image of my own features in its surface, I can't avoid seeing the same evidence, in my own pale, tired face.

**_'Tried to break my heart, well it's broke'_ **

As Fin slides his phone back into his pocket, mine beeps quietly, it is the information on the support groups he has mentioned. He has highlighted one that meets not far from this hospital, tonight. I clasp the phone tightly, grateful for the immediacy of the meeting.

I nod gratefully, my nod also being enough to confirm my intention to be there. My eyes don't leave his, until he returns my silent plea, with a curt nod of his own.

With the knowledge of the meeting awaiting me at the end of the day, I feel able to face the day's demands as we head back to the precinct. 

* * *

 

When the alarm I had set on my phone, buzzes to signal the impending meeting, I simultaneously dread and crave, I run my hands through my hair.

Now faced with its reality, I find I'm terrified. What if it doesn't help? What if I don't fit in, even there? What if ...?

**_'Tried to hang me high, well I'm choked_ **

**_Wanted rain on me, well I'm soaked, soaked to the skin'_ **

My phone beeps again quietly,

_[pick you up in 15]_

I silently thank the universe for Fin, unsure if I could have gone through with it, if it were not for him.

I know he doesn't need a response, but I need to do something to confirm my intent to myself, I am going...

_[Thanks, I'll be outside.]_

I gather my things together and am nervously, standing outside my building, when he pulls up. I step into the car and we just nod to each other. The trip is thankfully, immensely, shorter at this time, than it was this morning, and we ride in comfortable silence until he pulls into a small lot, beside a nondescript building.

As he slips the car into park, he looks to me questioningly. I take a deep breath and nod, as we step out of the car and I follow him to an open door, unsure what to expect.

As we step into the room, it reminds me of the many AA meetings I have seen on TV, people stand around singly, and in small groups whispering quietly, some sipping from paper cups, some studiously playing with their phones. An uneven, circular shaped, arrangement of folding, and mismatched chairs fills the room, and those that don't hover, uneasily around the edges of the room, can be found here. As I look to the man beside me, I realize there is no 'type' of man...some are well dressed young professionals, some are blue collar workers, dressed in company work wear, some are older men who could be anything, and the full spectrum comforts me immensely.

The man beside me seems to sense my relief, despite the trepidation that remains.

_"You'll be fine Barba...these men, they understand..."_

This fact comforts and saddens me in equal measure. I help myself to a coffee, as does Fin, but I can't stomach it. The warm cup gives me a focus though, as a sandy haired man invites us all to take a seat.

**_'It's the end where I begin, it's the end where I begin'_ **

I feel like a man heading to the electric chair, as I reluctantly slide into an uncomfortable grey folding chair. My level of unease is such that when I slide onto the hard plastic seat, it seems to welcome me.

The man introduces himself as Phil, and welcomes everyone, especially, the new people to the meeting, and it feels like all eyes turn to Fin and me. He makes it clear we are very welcome to speak if we want to, but doesn't put any pressure on us, as he opens the floor to anyone who wishes to be heard.

The loquaciousness, for which I have become quite famous for, in the courtrooms of Manhattan, deserts me entirely. My confident, sharp, tongue is quiet, as all attention turns to a young man, maybe 23, who raises his hand gingerly.

_"Hey, I'm Luke,...my girlfriend, Anna, was raped a couple of years ago, by a guy she worked with...we're kinda struggling...I keep asking her to tell me details...of what happened...I don't want to know, but I need to...we keep arguing about it...she keeps telling me I don't want to know...that it'll change things...but I don't see how it can be any worse than what I keep imagining?"_

An older man begins to speak, until Phil reminds him to introduce himself, _"I'm Mark, I thought the same, I pestered my wife for details of her attack, she was attacked as a child...I thought nothing could ever be worse than what I imagined, but when I heard the words...I wish I had never heard them now, but they can't be taken back..."_

_"My name is Rafiq, my wife didn't survive her attack...the details are all I have left, it hurts to know how she spent her last time on this earth...but not knowing was almost worse for me, it was tearing me apart...at least this pain, it's better than not knowing..."_

_"I'm Tom, my boyfriend Angel...he barely talks to me at all anymore...I can't even touch him...I don't mean sexually, I mean, in any way...I know it's very recent, but...it feels like me not wanting to know, is pushing him away...like he doesn't want someone who can't hear it..."_

As more and more, men discuss the benefits of knowing and not knowing, I begin to relax my posture. I feel less alien in this gathering, then I had expected to, the contrasting opinions feel familiar, as I hear in these men, some of the internal voices, that have battled with this concept so much in the last few hours.

The men around me, manage to hit on so many of the things that have been rampaging, unchecked through my thoughts in the last few hours, that fear of touching their partner, of doing something reminiscent of what their attacker did..., that powerlessness, the fear that her not telling them, or her disclosure taking too long, means that maybe she doesn't trust them...it is all too familiar...

After about 40 minutes of heartfelt, painful, discussion, Phil looks softly to Fin and me, silently asking if we want to speak, I shake my head quickly, but Fin surprises me when he nods curtly.

_"My name is Fin, ...I guess I'm here because two of my best friends, they're like my sisters really, have disclosed rapes in the last few months...I'm trying to be there for them, they're both so strong, they're doing amazingly, but it doesn't feel like I can ever get over the guilt...that I couldn't protect them...one of my friends, I interrupted an attack on her a few years back, I got there in time to stop him from raping her,... we've only really talked about it recently, but now I've just found out that no one stopped another attack, and she was raped,... and I feel like I failed her so badly, because she couldn't tell me..."_

My heart breaks for the quiet man, as he whispers his pain out.

I want to tell him, that he couldn't stop it, that she does trust him, that she didn't tell him because she didn't want to admit it, not because she didn't trust him, but Phil nods and softly says, _"That's the hardest bit for all of us, the guilt...”_

I see heads bobbing up and down, all around me.

 _"It does get better man..."_ says Luke.

 _"Sometimes it's hard for her to admit..."_ adds Mark.

A number of other men whisper soft reassurances, or admit their own struggles with the guilt, and Fin graciously accepts each and every one.

As Phil starts to end the meeting, I find my courage, _"Could I say something?"_ I ask.

He merely nods softly and gestures for me to go ahead.

_"My name is Rafael, the woman I love has been through so much, and last night she told me the details of how she was raped. I came here because it felt like I couldn't cope any longer...I had so many worries and fears floating around inside me...I've made so many mistakes, and was so scared of making even more...I was afraid I wouldn't fit in here,... that I'd feel even worse for some of the things I was feeling...but after hearing you all speak so honestly...it doesn't feel so insurmountable...I feel like I have permission to feel this way...I'm really lucky to have a huge amount of support, from people who care...and I hate that I feel so weak for needing help, but I don't think I can do this on my own..."_

Phil meets my eye, _"Nobody has all the answers, but we help each other as much as we can, sometimes just knowing that you're not the only one to feel something makes it easier..."_

**_'Now I'm alive and the ghosts are gone_ **

**_I've shed all the pain, I've been holding on_ **

**_The cure for a heart is to move along_ **

**_So move along, so move along'_ **

I can only nod. This is exactly how I feel, it may not seem like much, but to feel not quite so alone, gives me a huge boost, and as I look to the man beside me, I can see it has also lightened the immense load he has been shouldering...it will be a long road for us, as much as it will be for the woman that brought us here but maybe this is a beginning...

**_'Now I'm alive and the ghosts are gone_ **

**_I've shed all the pain, I've been holding on_ **

**_What don't kill a heart only makes it strong_ **

**_Sometimes tears say all there is to say_ **

**_Sometimes your first scars don't ever fade away_ **

**_Tried to break my heart, well it's broke_ **

**_Tried to hang me high, well I'm choked_ **

**_Wanted rain on me, well I'm soaked, soaked to the skin_ **

**_It's the end, end where I, end where I, end where I begin_ **

**_It's the end where I, end where I, end where I begin'_ **


	38. Somewhere only we know

**_"Somewhere only we know"_ ** **by _Keane...Lily Allen_ does a beautiful cover version too...**

There are times that life feels like it's a runaway car with no brakes, and a steering wheel that only occasionally responds, but with such varying sensitivity, so as to make it nearly impossible to accurately guide it in any direction.

Sometimes you can hide from all the pain, you can bury yourself in work, but sometimes there is no escape. As I drop into the seat behind my desk, it just seems like there is no escape from the tumult that feels like it has become all that I am.

I can no longer keep up the barrier that has gotten me through the workday so many times before.

I try not to allow my mind to turn to Lewis, but it's an unwinnable fight.

_" **He** raped me."_

I whisper the words so quietly, I'm only aware of saying them, not of hearing them.

**_'I walked across an empty land_ **

**_I knew the pathway like the back of my hand'_ **

The words are still so foreign on my tongue.

After so much time spent denying them, they don't sit easily, despite the word being an all-too familiar part of my daily vocabulary, I find it has now irrevocably, changed in it's meaning.

As a child of rape, the word has always had deeply personal associations, but now it means so much more. It has been a part of my every day life for as long as I can remember, personally and professionally, but there is nothing abstract about the images and feelings that it now, calls forward.

After all the upset of last night, I can only begin to try to let the more analytical part of me interpret this latest twist in the security of the new day.

There's no denying the truth of the words, **he** raped me...not in the legal sense but **he** did...

After so much battling, after so much effort to keep this hidden, it feels almost, like an anticlimax...the huge effects I had predicted, have just not materialized for me.

**_'I felt the earth beneath my feet_ **

**_Sat by the river and it made me complete_ **

**_Oh simple thing, where have you gone?_ **

**_I'm getting old and I need something to rely on'_ **

As the words slipped out last night, I saw the pain Rafael felt. I hate that he has felt so much pain because of me...

I'm dimly aware that I'm not really the cause of his pain, that he is feeling pain because of what I have endured, but it does nothing to ease my feelings.

I try to guess at what was filling his mind, as we lay together on the couch, or even as he lay unsleeping, beside me in my bed.

I know from all my experience that he was probably feeling helpless, anger at **him** , and powerlessness at being unable to do anything to somehow fix things...

As I let my mind rifle through all the remembered reactions I have seen over the years, I can't help but wonder how this will affect him sexually. I know how common it is for partners of victims to struggle sexually...and when I think back to how he felt after Amanda's disclosure, it worries me. He was so patient with me, so concerned about me that he almost, couldn't let himself go enough to enjoy what we were doing. What will this newest revelation have done to him?

As my mind throws up a plethora of possibilities, each worse than the last,... that he won't want to be physical with me, at all now, that he won't ever be able to let go of the fears this could have left him with, that he can't see me as a sexual being anymore. The irony of the situation doesn't escape me, that after so much time, happily avoiding sex, now the thought of it being denied to me, is really upsetting. Despite this horrible admission, I really want to feel his touch again...I want to feel that pleasure and be able to give myself over to it again...

**_'So tell me when you're gonna let me in_ **

**_I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin_ **

**_I came across a fallen tree_ **

**_I felt the branches of it looking at me_ **

**_Is this the place we used to love?_ **

**_Is this the place that I've been dreaming of?_ **

**_Oh simple thing, where have you gone?_ **

**_I'm getting old and I need something to rely on'_ **

The shrill peal of the phone demands my attention, and spares me from furthering this train of thought.

_"Benson..."_

As Chief Dodds launches into a diatribe about budget cuts, and the expected effects on SVU, I can barely focus enough to supply him with the expected _'yes sir'_ and _'of course sir'_ at the appropriate times.

Rafael, slips into my office and hands me a coffee, which I can only thank him silently for, as Dodds continues his tirade.

Finally I escape Dodds' angry denunciation of the budget cuts that will be sent out in the next few days, by promising to talk to him as soon as I have read them.

I'm just in time to watch Rafael leave with Fin, ostensibly to go interview yesterday's victim.

I'm so glad that he has someone he can talk to. I only saw what seemed to be a couple of whispers, and shared looks, but I have no doubt that Rafael needs somebody he can talk to, and I know that Fin will be there for him.

It feels so unfair, that yet again, I'm dragging everybody back down into my pain. They have all been so good to me. Even recently, they seemed to understand how Harris' death had such an effect on me. But here I am again, almost incapable of focusing on my work, and asking them, once again, to support me.

As I see Amanda rise from her desk and head towards my office I know that she is coming to check on me. As she reaches the door, I just gesture her in, she tries to smile, but that smile barely conceals her fear and worry.

 _"Hey Liv, how are you?"_ she asks quietly.

I debate trying to claim that I'm fine, but I'm sure I look anything but fine. And as she takes the seat opposite my desk, I resolve to be honest

_"I told him, Amanda"._

**_'So tell me when you're gonna let me in_ **

**_I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin'_ **

She just nods softly, acknowledging that she's heard me, but not willing to pester me with questions that I may not yet, be willing to answer.

I want to tell her that it went well, or that Rafael was very understanding and very patient, as he always is, ...but the words just won't come out of my mouth.

_"We didn't have a great night..."_

We sit comfortably in silence after my admission, and she seems very happy to just wait to see what I want to say. What comes out of my lips next, is not what I expected...

_"Amanda, can I ask you a very personal question?"_

She just nods softly, seemingly unperturbed, by what is usually such an ominous beginning to a conversation.

**_'And if you have a minute, why don't we go_ **

**_Talk about it somewhere only we know?'_ **

_"How did you cope with seeing **him** again?"_

She seems a little surprised by my question. I can see how it seems a little strange, considering Lewis is dead, but she doesn't question me.

_"I saw Patton in Atlanta, on the pattern seventeen case...I knew it would happen, how could it not? But when he stood in front of me..."_

I can see the feelings trying to take hold of her again, as she briefly closes her eyes.

_"I felt sick, I wanted to run, to scream, to push and kick against him the way I couldn't that night...but I stood and tried to be professional, to not make a scene...he told me he would be coming to the conference, so I knew I'd see him...I tried to prepare myself but...it didn't help...every time I saw him, heard his voice...it was killing me...I couldn't breathe, it was like he was still lying on top of me..."_

She looks at me curiously, unwilling to push, but unable to completely conceal her queries, as she tries to figure out how this is related to telling Rafael what happened with Lewis.

I shrug lightly, _"I don't know...it's something that has just been bothering me...seeing **them** again...I can't really explain it, and it's ridiculous in my case... **they're** both dead...I don't know why I've spent so much time worrying about seeing them again..."_

She shrugs back at me, _"I spent so much time worrying about facing Patton, I was terrified he'd...hurt me again...even at a conference full of cops...it was ridiculous but I couldn't help it, I was completely safe in a roomful of cops...but it wouldn't stop..."_

I try to bite back the words that threaten to spill out, but as I look to her, I can see she is already thinking them, _"It wasn't ridiculous though Amanda, he raped Reese Taymore at that conference..."_

**_'This could be the end of everything_ **

**_So why don't we go somewhere only we know?_ **

**_Somewhere only we know'_ **

She nods and smiles sadly at me, _"No more than thinking about seeing someone again, when you hear about their death..."_

She is right... How did I not make that connection? She is talking about Harris, but she knows how interlinked my experiences at the hands of both Lewis and Harris have become...how I can't consider the effects of one without the other now...because they are no longer separate incidents, who I am now, is the cumulative effects of both men...

Now that she has pointed it out, it seems to make so much sense...now that I have really accepted what happened in that beach house, I simultaneously want to confront Lewis, and fear what could happen were that confrontation possible...it's like my brain needs to plan, to be sure...

_"In some ways, when I told Rafael, last night...I wished I could see **him** again..."_

She doesn't seem as shocked as I had expected, at this.

 _"Even when the words find their way out...it still can't be true..."_ she whispers, and I can only nod.

I could never have explained it, but this is it...it's like I almost, need to put myself in danger again, to be in **his** presence...after whispering the words, out loud, to someone...I need to know, I need to be sure I am right, I need him to be the danger I have accused him of being...

I can't help but wonder if I was in a position like Amanda's, where my attacker was alive and free...how would I balance that need and that fear?

I know from seeing Lewis in court, and when I went to him, to try to save Amelia Cole...I know that feeling that my whole insides, everything that defined me, was being torn out. That feeling that my body couldn't possibly sustain me as my heart raced, blackness flittered across my vision, my lungs refused to suck in enough air and my stomach threatened to force its contents out. I remember how my legs could hardly bear my weight as they turned to jelly and my whole body, almost vibrated with the terror. I remember the images flooding back...

But I also remember the feeling of validation, when it seemed Lewis was about to rape me, as he pushed against my body and reached for my belt, in the granary.

**_'Oh simple thing, where have you gone?_ **

**_I'm getting old and I need someone to rely on'_ **

_"Liv, are you ok?"_

Her voice pulls me back to the present.

I nod quickly.

_"Rafael was devastated...I hate that I caused him such agony..."_

_"You didn't Liv, he was devastated **for you**..."_

I know this is the truth...but it doesn't relieve me of the feelings.

_"I told him he could talk to you, to Fin...that he needs to..."_

She nods again, silently agreeing to be there for him.

_"What about you Liv?"_

Touché. I am very aware this is exactly what I would have said to her, perhaps, did say to her...but I just don't have any answer...

_"Liv, Rafael is with Fin, he's being looked after...and I know you'd probably prefer to talk to him, or that Amaro was still here, but I'm here, if you want...?"_

How can she still feel like she is second, or third choice, to me?

_"Amanda, it feels like you are the only one in the world, I can talk to like this...even when I don't understand it myself, you seem to understand the feelings..."_

She smiles sadly, she understands...

_"I've spent a long time twisting definitions...allowing myself to deny things by playing some stupid word game in my own head..."_

**_'So tell me when you're gonna let me in_ **

**_I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin'_ **

I know she understands this, as we both silently remember her assertions that she **let** Patton hurt her, that she **put herself** in that position...

_"When he had me in the beach house...I needed the toilet...I put myself in the position to be partly naked..."_

I can see she is almost holding her breath, as the words she has dreaded so much, start to drip out.

_"Legally **he** didn't rape me..."_

The words do nothing to comfort her; she can see the sentence is far from finished...

_" **He** started...to try... but **he**...wasn't...ready..."_

I hate how halting my words are, how I sound...

_" **He** couldn't... but...but I felt **him**...start to...push...into me..."_

She nods tightly.

_"And the gun...my gun..."_

She swallows hard.

_" **His** fingers..."_

I know how little I have said. How little sense it makes, how incomplete the sentences and thoughts are, but she seems to have garnered the full story nonetheless.

I'm cried out. There are no more tears. I just shake softly as I try to keep my reactions reasonable.

**_'And if you have a minute, why don't we go_ **

**_Talk about it somewhere only we know?'_ **

She seems to be waiting for me to finish... Does she think there's more? Of course, she knows what 'real' rape is, she doesn't think this is a big thing..."

_"I'm sorry Amanda, I know in comparison to what you suffered...it's nothing..."_

She almost jumps out of her seat, in her rush to stop me, _"God, Liv, how can you think that?"_

Her barely there, flash of anger surprises me, and I have no response as she stares at me. I know she is waiting for me to say something...

The silence seems to get deeper as I try to figure out what she is waiting for, until I can take it no more.

 _"Amanda, I don't know what you are waiting for me to say?"_   I whisper softly, in embarrassment.

_"I'm waiting for you to say the words you tried to avoid for so long Liv...not for me, for yourself...I know what they mean..."_

I understand. I nod softly, ashamed again, that I could have been so stupid, so as not to see immediately, what she was waiting for.

_"It doesn't fit the legal definition, Amanda, but... **he** did rape me..."_

**_'This could be the end of everything_ **

**_So why don't we go? So why don't we go?'_ **

As the words leave my lips I can see how much they pain her, as she stretches out her hand to me. I reach for it gratefully.

Now the silence that greets my words is peaceful.

_"I thought the words would be shattering, that it would change everything...but it hasn't...it doesn't really change much..."_

She shakes her head, _"I found it changed things very little, but I guess the damage was already done, the words couldn't undo it...but they didn't make it worse either..."_

And again my next question surprises me, _"What if Rafael can't ever see me again without thinking of it...?"_

I hate that I'm saying these things. I feel weak, whiny, completely self-obsessed and superficial, like I'm missing the entire point.

_"He will, Liv. He's probably overwhelmed at the moment, I can't imagine how he feels...but he knew so much about what happened, it never effected how he felt about you, this won't either..."_

_"Things were going so well, we were really beginning to break down the walls...but he was always so tentative, so cautious... When I was with Brian, **after**...that's all that we were...cautious...it changed everything... "_

She can't stop the eye roll that accompanies my mention of Brian, and despite the circumstances I find myself smiling at the hatred he managed to inspire in my team.

_"It's not the same Liv, Barba is not Cassidy. And it's not the same situation at all, it was so recent then, **he** had tortured you, even apart from the sexual assault and rape..."_

The way she so calmly, and easily, integrates the word into her thoughts, makes me wonder if anyone is really surprised by my disclosure.

_"I know...I'm still scared though, not of him, I'm really starting to feel some of the things I thought I would never feel again...but what if...I can't?"_

_"I've told you before Liv, I never really saw the parallels between what Patton did, and sex...I pushed myself too hard...I refused to allow myself time...I barely waited for my body to heal...I went out and got drunk, I let some guy I met in a bar, pick me up, it was only a couple of weeks later...I went home with him, I thought it would let me get my body back...so I lay there under him...it hurt for a second but then it was like I wasn't even there...there was no pleasure, but no pain either...it never reminded me of Patton...it just wasn't what it had been...so I was determined to rediscover that pleasure...I wasn't letting **him** take it away...and after a while, I did find pleasure again...but...I also hurt myself...not deliberately...but it did damage...not physically, emotionally...and now I'm trying to enjoy sex not just take pleasure out of it...if that makes any sense?"_

I can only nod, as her words are processed so slowly...

_"I couldn't even imagine it...not until recently...until Rafael...my body felt like it wasn't even mine...I didn't feel like there was any desire, or potential for pleasure, or any kind of enjoyment left in me...I completely understand the way you use those words...pleasure and enjoyment...they don't mean the same...and both are necessary for a healthy sexual life...a healthy sexual image of yourself..."_

She nods gently.

**_'Oh, this could be the end of everything_ **

**_So why don't we go somewhere only we know?'_ **

_"I'm still so confused, Amanda. It feels like I'm validating **his** accusations by feeling desire... **he** said I was a frustrated, sick, woman... in front of a courtroom full of people...I couldn't separate **his** actions from sex...but now, I feel desire...I'm learning to enjoy being close to someone, to find pleasure...and I don't want to lose that..."_

Despite being an adult, an SVU cop, my words are still embarrassing to me. But as I look to her there is no sign of embarrassment in her features.

**_'Somewhere only we know'_ **

_"Why is this the bit that no one really talks about?"_ she asks. _"Why is this something that we feel guilty or ashamed about?_

_Why are there primetime TV ads for erectile dysfunction pills, but this is never talked about...? It's the same thing...it's our body struggling to respond too...and our minds trying to grapple with it all..."_

She is right. I can only nod in complete agreement with her.

**_'Somewhere only we know'_ **


	39. Willow

**_"Willow"_ ** **by _Joan Armatrading..._**

**_"I'm strong, straight_ **

**_Willing to be a shelter in a storm"_ **

****

****

She is right in everything she has said.

She understands, not just what I am saying, but also a lot of what lays behind it, as yet, still unsaid...

 _"I know I need to go back to my therapist"_ I whisper.

 _"You will Liv, when you're ready..."_ she assures me.

_"You weren't surprised Amanda...neither was Rafael...do you really believe what I said happened? I mean, you weren't there, you can't really know..."_

She leans forwards so far in her chair that she is barely still on it, _"Liv, there is no doubt, **none** , I believe you, Barba believes you...we know what Lewis was, we saw the trail of devastation **he** left in his wake, we know how badly hurt you were, we saw how hard it was for you...we had our suspicions because we know what **he** was...we could understand, there had to be things you were holding back. We hoped it was small things but we knew...it wouldn't be...Liv, I understand how hard it is, to say those words about yourself. I couldn't do it. I lied to myself for all those years, I allowed Patton to go completely unpunished, because I couldn't admit it, even to myself, but you, you were strong enough to admit enough to make a good case against him, you didn't allow Lewis to walk away...you went through hell again to put him away..."_

**_'I may not be your best_ **

**_You know good ones don't come by the score_ **

**_You've got something missing_ **

**_I'll help you look, you can be sure'_ **

I chew my lip thoughtfully. The words are slamming against the walls I am hastily building higher in my head, to stop their escape. I am already weakened enough, I don't need her, or any of them, to know how thoroughly feeble I am.

How can she say those words with a straight face?

_"I'm sorry for dragging this all up again, I know I've just expected so much of all of you...I will go back to Dr. Lindstrom, I'm sorry..."_

She looks at me like I'm crazy, and for a moment I have no idea what is going through her mind.

_"Liv, how can you not understand that we want to be here for you? We want to hear this...we want to talk to you...you are not a burden, this is not a hardship...we are upset, but we're upset at what you had to suffer...how can all the rules change when it's you?"_

I can hear the anger in her words but it doesn't seem to match what she is saying, or her facial expressions, which seem to convey anything but anger...

She shakes her head in frustration...

_"Liv, you gave out to me for not letting you all in, for not allowing myself to lean on you...but yet you feel like a burden...? Talk to me...?"_

**_'And if you want to be alone_ **

**_Someone to share a laugh_ **

**_Whatever you want me to_ **

**_All you got to do is ask'_ **

As I look at her now, there is no mistaking her emotions, her intent or meaning...

As the words I tried to cage inside my own head, hit the walls I built to keep them safely in, they pinged unpredictably around their enclosure, until they landed in a indistinguishable heap. Now faced with rearranging them into sense, I have no clue where to start...

I can see how heartfelt her plea to me is, and I know she is probably interpreting my silence as some kind of reticence, when all I want to do, is let it out...

So many years of carefully constructing barriers, of filtering my thoughts before they escaped as words, is not easily undone.

 _"I hate that such small things can make it all feel like it happened just yesterday..."_ I whisper softly.

She pulls her chair around the desk until it is beside me and she holds my hand tightly.

_"I don't want to go back...I don't want to be that person anymore...I don't want people looking at me like that again, I don't want my personal life on display for everyone, to decide if I'm struggling...I feel like every attempt I have made, was wasted...like it doesn't matter what I ever do, he will always be all that defines me."_

I can hear the sharp intake of her breath at my words.

Her face is twisted slightly.

**_'Thunder don't go under the sheets_ **

**_Lightning under a tree_ **

**_In the rain and snow_ **

**_I'll be your fireside'_ **

_"Lewis is dead, Amanda, and now Harris is dead... **they** are no danger to me, to anyone, anymore...but I'm still afraid...not just of **them**...of what **they** showed me about myself,... of all the men I meet that I don't know, what if one of them is capable of doing it again...of how I can't leave it in the past where it belongs...of having to talk about it again...of how people react...of what do I say, what is too much and what is too vague...I'm terrified that I can't do it all again..."_

As I look into the eyes I have been avoiding as I spoke, I see tears glistening in her eyes.

_"I know...I feel a lot of that too...I don't know when it goes away, Liv...but it gets better, you know that..."_

**_'Come running to me_ **

**_When things get out of hand'_ **

_"...but Amanda, Patton isn't dead...how do you cope?..."_

_"I moved...I put as much distance between me and him as I could...and after years, I was finally starting to feel like I was getting back on my feet...the old Amanda who allowed a man to do that to her, that never said anything, she was finally gone and I was beginning to believe that if anyone ever tried to hurt me again, I would fight, and then I would fight for myself again, by not keeping secrets...but the second I saw him...the new and improved Amada I'd spent years creating and moulding was gone...instead it was just the old Amanda, shaking before him in evidence storage, silently begging him not to hurt me while trying to pretend everything was fine. I was so scared...Fin was close by, and he seemed to almost sense something wasn't right,... I know Fin isn't the same as the guys I worked with in Atlanta, he wouldn't let me be hurt in front of him...but I couldn't ask him to protect me, he's my partner not my bodyguard...I didn't want him to know, I didn't want him to think I was weak. How could he trust me to have his back when I couldn't protect myself? In that instant I knew there was no way to avoid Patton. We were in his jurisdiction, and he mentioned the conference...after years of not having to deal with him, I had to accept I was going to have to find a way to deal with him being around again. It nearly killed me. I knew people would tell me it was in the past, that he wouldn't be allowed to hurt me while they were around, that I didn't press charges, I couldn't do anything..."_

**_'Running to me_ **

**_When it's more than you can stand'_ **

She takes a huge breath and looks me straight in the eye,

_"Liv, I don't know... I suppose monsters really do creep up on you when you're not looking...I just can't get rid of the idea that you should fight for how things should be not, just accept them as they are...I guess I'm trying to figure out how hard you fight, and how long you wait for things to change?...At what point does trying to think of other people just become too destructive? How do you face the danger of half the population, of the possibility of a similar set of circumstances? How do you know what a reasonable reaction is, or what is just past experiences coloring your view? Whether it's Patton or someone else, at what point do you know...? I'm so scared that I'd allow my fear to change my actions...that I'd go crazy over something innocent, or that I'd be so afraid of overreacting, worrying that I'm so damaged, that I unfairly see only the worst in everyone, that I would put myself in real danger to prove I'm fine...How do I balance the worry that I'm wrong, against letting something horrific happen to prove I was right?"_

**_'I said, "I'm strong, straight_ **

**_Willing to be a shelter in a storm"_ **

**_Your willow, oh willow_ **

**_When the sun is out'_ **

This is what I feel... Her words have given me courage to voice what I have so carefully hidden away for so long...

_"Yes! And at what point do the effects of what happened, cross from being reasonable effects, to allowing a bad experience to define you, to let it change you, and alter your life? I don't know what I expect people to do for me, at what point would I expect someone to intervene for me, to help me, in a situation that is making me uneasy...and are any of these expectations realistic? And if I'm forced to tell someone...how do I expect them to react? What do I expect from them? What's a good reaction and what's a bad one, what is acceptable for either of us to say? And if I'm not sure of any of these boundaries, or where these lines are, how can anyone else be expected to know? And Amanda, there isn't even one set of rules, it changes so much depending on the situation and the person?"_

She nods quickly...

_"Is the possibility of having to face a proven monster really any scarier than being unaware of the monsters, as yet, unmasked... At what point does stubbornness, refusing to be forced to change things for your own safety and peace of mind, become permitting someone to destroy you? If I'm faced with Patton again, I know what he is capable of, so if I don't act enough, to keep him at a distance, to protect myself, am I giving him implicit permission to do what he wants? What do we have to do to make then understand we're saying no?"_

Now that we have started to say these things it seems to be impossible to stop the torrent...

_"We have to investigate every possible aspect of each case, does it make it worse to be able to see everyone's perspective, when we can see how difficult it is for everyone, does it worsen the effects on us?... Amanda, I want to know what happened to Harris. I know Fin has the preliminary paperwork...he told me...I want to know...I'm scared of the consequences of that knowledge...I don't think I could cope if he wasn't the monster I need him to be...but I know Fin won't just hand me the reports and forget about it,... I know Rafael, wants him to have suffered...I know how upset it's likely to make me, and I can't ask everyone to support me even more, but I need to know..."_

My words surprise me. I didn't think I had made a decision about the details of Harris' death. I was trying to allow it to slide into the past, forgotten. But obviously I have much stronger feelings than I realized, on the subject.

_"Do you want me to get the reports from Fin for you, Liv?"_

I shake my head softly.

_"I didn't really know I felt like that Amanda...I guess it was pushed down too deep...I nearly lost Rafael because of trying to explain how I need Harris to have been a monster, right up to his death..._ _I know what Harris did, it wasn't as bad as what Lewis did, but it changed me...and I know that all that stopped **him** was Fin, **he** was very clear what was happening, there is no question, Fin even confirmed that...but still...I can't get rid of the worry that **he** didn't mean it somehow, or that **he** didn't understand the consequences of **his** actions...I know how stupid it sounds but...I don't think I can deal with anything that makes me doubt myself anymore...I can't explain that to Rafael..."_

I can see how visceral her understanding of my admission is. She can no more deny these feelings than I can, despite knowing how wrong they are.

_"I wish I had any answers Liv...All I know is that Barba seems to be willing to do anything for you...he wants to understand...And I'm always happy to help, in any way I can...but you have to look after yourself first...you need to find out about Harris and trust that the guys will be a soft landing, no matter what..."_

We sit silently for a few moments, lost in our own contemplations.

_"Amanda, Lewis really raped me...I want someone to be shocked...it doesn't feel like a big deal...it should feel like a big deal..."_

**_'A fight with your best girl_ **

**_Prettiest thing you ever saw_ **

**_You know I'll listen_ **

**_Try to get a message to her_ **

**_And if it's money you want_ **

**_Or trouble halved_ **

**_Whatever you want me to_ **

**_All you got to do is ask'_ **

She looks at me questioningly, silently asking how Rafael reacted when I told him.

_"Rafael was so upset...he cried...I could see how hard he was fighting to maintain any level of composure...I could see how devastated he was..."_

She whispers softly, _"Maybe he was afraid to show his shock Liv?"_

This surprises me. How was he afraid to show shock?

_"I don't know Liv, but I can't believe he reacted like that, but wasn't shocked...I just know how easy it is to confuse shock and disbelief, which is one of the reasons we never show shock at work..."_

My mouth drops open at her stating such an obvious fact that I'd completely overlooked...I've been congratulating myself on the fantastic way which we had talked through my horrible revelations, how we had felt comfortable enough to show our feelings to each other, but maybe we both held back so much...?

I've been almost, distraught, at how neither my reaction, nor his, felt like they were appropriate to how immeasurable my admission was.

It has felt like I'm making a big deal out of little, because I'm almost numb...and despite his awful upset, he wasn't shocked. Maybe he tried to hide it from me though, for fear I would mistake it for disbelief...?

Before we can say anything more, Carisi taps on the door and pushes in, _"Sorry Sarge, Amanda, we've got a problem with the O'Reilly Case..."_

He's carrying a statement, which he is holding with such disgust it can only be a recant...

Sure enough he explains that Karen O'Reilly has chosen to withdraw the charges we spent so long trying to convince her to press against the fiancé who hospitalized her for wearing the "wrong dress" to dinner with his work colleagues. Despite our pleas, she believes he is sorry, and won't do it again...

I ask Amanda and Carisi to go talk to her, make it clear how often we have seen this, how it's never a one-time thing, to make it very clear that we are here for her next time...

Amanda looks to me carefully before she leaves; a look that Carisi doesn't miss as he quickly excuses himself.

_"Liv, I'm here anytime..."_

**_'I said, "I'm strong, straight_ **

**_Willing to be a shelter in a storm"_ **

**_Your willow, oh willow_ **

**_When the sun is out'_ **

I nod gratefully at her, _"I know Amanda, and I'm more grateful than I can tell you...I'm ok...I guess I just need to talk to Rafael more..."_ my eye roll makes it clear how much talking we are already doing...

She grins slightly " _And talk to Fin...you need to know..."_

I nod softly and gesture at a very fidgety and frustrated Carisi.

_"I'll talk to him Liv, he hates to lose one...he finds it hard to walk away when he feels we could do more...hell, it's the bit I still find difficult..."_

Again I can only nod as she walks out to the man who immediately starts barraging her with a torrent of suggestions of how they could try and change her mind.

I try to get my head into work, making progress but not being completely able to put my own problems aside.

When Fin gets back, he immediately comes into me, dropping into a chair as soon as he can.

_"Liv...I don't know what to say, other than I'm sorry..."_

As I look at the man before me, I can see he is sad, upset for me, and shocked, despite always having suspicions that there were things I wasn't admitting to.

Oddly, the bereft look on the face of my friend, helps me feel some of the gravity that I felt the situation had been lacking.

_"No Fin, I'm the one who is sorry, for keeping it from you...I just couldn't admit it...even to myself...it was too much, the only control I had left, was denying that **he** had done what **he** wanted to..."_

He nods slowly, understanding what I am saying and why I kept my secret for so long...

_"I guess somewhere inside I kindda knew Liv...but...I wanted so much, to be wrong...How are you?"_

**_'Shelter in a storm_ **

**_Your willow, oh willow_ **

**_When the sun is out'_ **

_"I just had a long talk with your partner...she was great...it's so hard to not feel weak..."_

He scowls at this word, but he allows me to speak.

_"It wouldn't be weakness in anybody else...but..."_

I just shrug off the rest of the sentence.

_"Thank you for talking to Rafael, Fin. I know how badly it has effected him."_

I deliberately ask no questions. I know that they need to be able to talk without me intervening in any way, even to ask how he is. But as always Fin knows what I'm not saying...

_"He's ok Liv. He's hurting but he's ok...he was coming in to see how you are, but he got called into the office, he asked me to check on you..."_

The thoughtfulness of this man, and Rafael towards me, as always, makes me smile.

The small, fragile, smile is what Fin wanted to see though, and I can see his body relax slightly.

_"I hate that you've had to go through all of this Liv..."_

_"Fin, I've been thinking...I can't keep hiding...it doesn't stay buried anyways...I think I need to know what happened to Harris..."_

He looks at me carefully.

_"Are you sure?"_

I nod slowly, _"I'm scared to find out...I'm not sure how it will affect me...but I think I need an ending..."_

**_'Shelter in a storm_ **

**_Your willow, oh willow_ **

**_When the sun is out'_ **

He nods tightly, _"How do you want to do it Liv?"_

His question is a little surprising, he must understand how hard this is for me, I really expected him to just stand up and go get the reports.

I haven't considered this, and as I'm debating it, my phone beeps softly,

_[Hope you are doing ok? I'm thinking about you. I got called back to the office. Fin has found me a boyfriends support group meeting tonight; I'd like to go if that's ok with you?]_

_[That's more than ok Rafael. I'm very glad. Please look after yourself. I have so many people here looking after me.]_

This makes my decision so much easier _, "Fin can you give me the reports as I'm leaving tonight? I'd like to read them in my own time later..."_

He nods again slowly, _"Liv, you have to promise to call one of us, if you need us?"_

I smile sadly as I nod, _"That's a promise I can easily keep."_

He nods again, his slight reluctance clear, but his trust in me is enough to allow him to do what I am asking.

The rest of the day passes slowly but as we approach finishing time, I start to doubt my decision. It's not real doubt, it's fear though, so I try not to allow it to shake my resolve.

When the clock finally ticks around, I have gotten enough done and nothing urgent has come in to demand my attention, I start to pack up for the day and

Fin walks into my office with a folder. He places it on the small table in front of my couch, walking away from it, leaving it so that I have to consciously go get it, but that I don't have to ask him for it again.

_"It's your choice Liv...I'm going to meet up with Barba...but we're all here..."_

I nod, slightly surprised he is going to the support meeting with Rafael, but glad for both of them, so I say nothing. They both need some support and I'm aware of how brave it is for them to admit it.

I walk over and look at the file before gingerly picking it up and shoving it into my bag, before I lose my nerve.

_"Thanks Fin. I hope tonight is good..."_

**_‘Shelter in a storm_ **

**_Your willow, oh willow_ **

**_When the sun is out’_ **

He just nods again as we silently part for the night, our eyes lingering until the last second before we break contact.


	40. Wrecking ball

**_"Wrecking Ball"_ ** **by _Scars on 45..._**

****

****

The file I have taken from Fin feels like it is burning a hole in my bag as I make my way home.

When I step out of a taxi that delivers me to my apartment, impatience to read it is threatening to overpower me, but also an immense regret is tugging at my heart, that I took it at all.

I didn't realize how late it was, until I got home and Noah was already in bed. I'm disappointed to have missed spending time with my precious baby boy...but I'm also relieved to not have to pretend to be ok.

As I once again, thank Lucy, and see her out, I can't resist clicking both the locks on the door. I insisted on them when I moved in, but as time has passed I have become more comfortable, and regularly only use the main lock. I know it is a good indication of my state of mind that I click and check both of them.

I force myself to heat some soup and make a sandwich, taking them into the living room where I settle myself on the floor, with the contents of the folder spread out around me.

I spoon hot soup into my mouth, inadvertently burning my tongue, as I try to decide where to start on the file.

I eat the soup and sandwich unconsciously, as I pick my way slowly, through the folder's insides.

It's a small file, preliminary reports, and a short prison investigation. It doesn't feel like a lot to mark a man passing from life into death.

As I reread the last page, I place it back onto the pile I have created as I worked my way through the documents, and lean back against the couch.

I don't know how I feel. There is relief. I'm glad I've found out. I have an ending, as I wanted, but I haven't been able to take it in enough, to know how I really feel yet.

I stand up and make some tea, thoughtlessly shoving the file back into its folder. It no longer has any power, it has given up its secrets, and now it is just paper.

When I'm clasping a hot mug, I head back into the living room, settling automatically across the couch. I wish Rafael was here, and I could lie back into the comfort of his arms, I think as I try to make myself comfortable on the couch that feels empty, as I lie on it alone.

**_'We clawed, we chained, our hearts in vain_ **

**_We jumped, never asking why_ **

**_We kissed, I fell under your spell_ **

**_A love no one could deny'_ **

I can't resist a quick look at the clock as I try to imagine the meeting that Rafael and Fin are attending.

I deliberately didn't ask any questions of the guys, so I don't know what time it started, and I didn't want to ask Rafael to call me. I'm sure it will be emotional for him, and I don't want to put any more pressure on him, he needs to look after himself tonight.

As I start to try and process the information I have just gotten about Harris' death, I lose track of all time, as my mind allows itself the freedom to go where it wants.

When there is a gentle knock on the door, it makes me jump, spilling the cold tea all over my lap.

 _"Who is it?"_ I demand as I walk towards the door, rubbing at the tea-drenched pants.

_"It's Rafael, Liv, are you ok?"_

I quickly throw the locks off as I pull open the door. He looks worried as he steps inside.

 _"I called Liv, I'm sorry, I was worried..."_ he mutters looking me up and down, as if to convince himself I am whole, and uninjured.

As I wipe at the tea soaking into my legs he worriedly asks, _"What happened Liv?"_

_"I'm fine Rafael, I spilt some cold tea on myself when I heard the door, I was miles away...I guess that's probably also why I didn't hear my phone..."_

At the second mention of my phone I look around for it. It's nowhere to be seen. I start to dig into my bag, still no phone. After a few moments of digging, I find it in the jacket thrown under my laptop bag, beside the door.

I pull it out to find "5 missed calls".

_"I'm sorry Rafael, I didn't mean to worry you..."_

He is still standing slightly awkwardly, just inside the door.

_"Are you ok Rafael?"_

He scrubs his hand across his face. _"It was good, but hard..."_ he answers my silent question about the support group meeting.

 _"I didn't want to intrude, I can go if you want to be alone?"_ he whispers softly caressing my cheek.

**_'Don't you ever say I just walked away_ **

**_I will always want you_ **

**_I can't live a lie, running for my life_ **

**_I will always want you'_ **

I have no control over my tongue as it quickly says, _"No, I missed you..."_ and my lips reach for his.

He seems very grateful, as his arms wrap around me.

_"You know you can always tell me you need some time alone, but I'm so glad to be able to hold you now..."_

He gently pulls us to our regular positions on the couch, and we both cling tightly to each other.

_"Can I ask you something Rafael?"_

I feel rather than see his head nod at my query, before he seems to realize I can't see his gesture, _"Always Liv..."_

_"You don't have to answer if you don't want to, but were you at all shocked, by what I said Lewis did?"_

I feel him tense slightly as he turns me slightly in his arms, until we are looking each other in the eye.

_"Liv, the way you say that worries me...I was really shocked by **what Lewis did**...there is no doubt, it's not what you said he did...it's what he did...I knew you were going to tell me some bad stuff, but...I didn't realize how bad...Did my shock upset you?"_

**_'I came in like a wrecking ball_ **

**_I never hit so hard in love_ **

**_All I wanted was to break your walls_ **

**_All you ever did was break me'_ **

I'm silent for a moment as I try to figure out how to answer his question.

_"But you weren't there...you can't know that is what happened..."_

He cups my chin, his thumb tracing over my lips, _"Liv, I do know,... I know you, I know what **he** was capable of...I don't know why I was so shocked really, but I was...I tried not to show it...I'm sorry if it upset you..."_

I turn onto my side, curling into him, resting my head on his chest, _"It wasn't like that...I didn't think you were shocked, it didn't feel like it was..."_

The words refuse to come. As his arms tighten around me, he whispers, _"It didn't feel... what, Liv?"_

_"It wasn't just you, it was me too, and Amanda, nobody was shocked...it felt like maybe it wasn't such a big deal..."_

I can feel his breath catch as his heart pounds against my ear.

_"Liv, it is a huge deal...he raped you..."_

I can hear his emotion in the short sentence.

**_'Don't you ever say I just walked away_ **

**_I will always want you_ **

**_I can't live a lie, running for my life_ **

**_I will always want you'_ **

_"I've been trying to hide how big a deal it is...I'm so afraid of doing or saying the wrong thing...Liv, I can't imagine how that...violation...feels...physically, emotionally...you had already been through so much...It doesn't change how I feel about you, not at all, but...I'm more conscious of my body, of touching you, of pushing you...of triggering you...I don't want to remind you...of **him** "_

I allow my hand to softly caress his torso as I speak.

_"I think that's very understandable Rafael. And I know a lot of men, have the same feelings, I understand...but you are not like **him**...your touch is not like **his**...I know it's going to take a little time for us both...I don't feel capable of being sexual now, but I don't want you to worry about touching me...I trust you, I will tell you if something doesn't feel right or reminds me...but I can't cope with feeling that... you don't want me...now..."_

_"Liv, I do want you...I desire you...the images are just over-riding my body at the moment...I don't think I can separate my desire from the images of **him** hurting you, the actions feel the same...I still desire you, I just need some time to process..."_

**_'I came in like a wrecking ball_ **

**_I never hit so hard in love_ **

**_All I wanted was to break your walls_ **

**_All you ever did was break me'_ **

_"I think we both need some time, but we have to be honest I guess...I'm just so scared that all our progress has just been wiped away..."_

He pulls me even tighter to him.

_"Liv, it is only because of all the progress that we have made that we can sit here like this...and I understand that you may feel I was overly cautious before, and worry about how things will be now...but...I just don't want to hurt you..."_

**_'I came in like a wrecking ball_ **

**_Yeah, I just closed my eyes and swung_ **

**_Left me crouching in a blaze and fall_ **

**_All you ever did was break me'_ **

We lie comfortably in silence for a time.

_"Liv..."_

_"Hmmmmm..."_ I mutter.

_"Can I ask you something?"_

I sit up slightly, nodding as I take his hand, interlocking my fingers into his.

_"I've been thinking, even more so since the meeting, I'm not sure how to put this..."_

He swallows deeply.

_"Rafael, we seem to be able to do anything, once we talk about it openly..."_

He nods softly.

_"Ok, you have to promise to question anything you're not sure about?"_

I nod back at him, happy to make that promise.

He sighs, _"How can my body **not** scare you?"_

_" **You** don't scare me Rafael...when I see you as a whole person, you don't scare me...but if I just see your body as its pieces, I find it harder...After all this time, being so afraid of sex, it's just not the same anymore...I want to feel that pleasure with you...I'm just not sure how to go about it...you aren't just sexual, you're also sensual...maybe that's the difference, and you're so gentle with me...none of that is anything like what **he** did"_

He kisses my hand gently, smiling at me.

_"Do you regret telling me Liv? Did you mind telling me the details? I know I pushed you..."_

**_'I never meant to start a war_ **

**_I just wanted you to let me in_ **

**_And instead of using force_ **

**_I guess I should've let you in'_ **

_"I didn't want you to be so upset...I wanted to protect you from it...but No!...I needed to tell you...I needed your support...and I knew you needed to understand why I said what I did, why I was still finding it so hard...Do you regret hearing the details?"_

At the mention of the words I can never take back, he gives me that frowning scowl that is uniquely Rafael.

He shakes his head. _"Liv, I understand why you said that, why you still have that fear, how could you not? The words upset me, I can't deny that, but when I calmed down and thought about it...It means so much more, that you trust me. You feel like it tore us apart, but I feel so much closer to you...Your words were so honest...it would have been easier to hide them but you trusted me...Do you understand me when I say that the images of **him** are affecting my body's reaction to you?"_

I pull my bottom lip with my teeth as I nod at him. He seems to sense I am holding back my fear though.

 _"Liv, you need to hear me..."_ he looks me deep in the eye as he holds my hands, _"I don't see you as any different, you are still the same beautiful, sexy woman, you are no less, you are not somehow..."_

He falters, completely unable to find a word.

 _"Damaged...dirty...used..."_ the words escape my mouth in a whisper.

" _No Liv...NO!...that's not what is in my head, not at all...before and during the trial, I struggled with similar images...I keep seeing **him**...burning you, hurting you..."_

I can see him trying to fight down the images. He is battling tears, as the images seem to play out in front of him...

_"...and now raping you...I hate that you coped with it all, that you suffered it all and I can't stop the sick feeling that anyone could be that twisted...to do that to another human being, to you...I want to have put him away, so he couldn't hurt you...I feel so...powerless, impotent..."_

I see his choice of word to describe his feelings is carefully chosen. He is trying to tell me why his body is reacting as it is...it makes sense...he is so consumed by his own guilt and the horrors, that he isn't even really thinking about me... It doesn't wipe away the feelings but I begin to understand...he is not disgusted by me...in much the same way, as I can't look at the horrifying pictures we see at work, and put aside the feelings it brings up immediately...he can't see me suffering in his mind and put that to one side... He isn't seeing a **sexual** assault; he's seeing an **assault**...it's not that the sexual element doesn't matter, it's just that he's seeing violence, and pain...he is seeing exactly what we try to tell people, it's not about sex, it's about control and power and hurting someone...

 _"It's not about what **he** did sexually...it's about **him** hurting me...?"_ I question softly.

As the tears glisten in his eyes he can only nod gratefully.

" ** _He HURT_** _you, Liv. In any way he could...in every way that he could..."_

_"But you really don't see me as dirty...used...soiled by him?"_

_"No Liv...all I can see is how badly **he** hurt you...and how amazing you are, that you can move past it, while I'm not able to let go of the images of **him** hurting you..."_

_"But Rafael, you only found out so much...I've put so many new images into you head...so recently...you can't hear things like that about someone...close to you...and forget them..."_

He kisses me softly, caressing my face so lightly, _"...someone I love..."_ he whispers.

His words comfort me, but also scare me, _"Do you regret hearing the details?"_ I ask again. He tries to gather himself, rubbing away his tears, clearing his throat.

_"This is something that was discussed tonight...there were so many different opinions, and I have felt a little of all of them, wanting to know but not being told, not wanting to know, wishing you hadn't heard...but, as much as it hurts, I'm glad you told me...I'm not sure I'd feel like you trusted me, if you couldn't tell me, I understand why you hadn't told me or anyone else, and that's probably selfish, but it's too important...I know that the images won't go away, but I'll learn to live with them...I'm so glad that you trust me to share, even this, with you..."_

**_'I never meant to start a war_ **

**_I just wanted you to let me in_ **

**_I guess I should've let you in_ **

**_Don't you ever say I just walked away'_ **

This is the perfect opening to tell him another secret, my fear bubbles up again as I try to steady my nerves.

_"Rafael, there's something else I should tell you...I realized today, that I need to know what happened to Harris...I got the files from Fin, I read them just before you got here..."_

I don't know what I expect him to do or say but he surprises me when he just looks at me and asks softly, _"Are you ok?"_

I nod thoughtfully, not sure whether to offer him the folder or to tell him...

_"Do you want to know Rafael?"_

He nods definitely.

_"The investigation says that he was in his cell, there was no one with him...he staggered out into the hallway and collapsed...there seemed to be no reason for it...and the autopsy seems to back it up, some of his arteries were almost completely occluded...it was nearly an inevitability...there was no evidence of any type of foul play and he seemed otherwise, to be in reasonable health for a man of his age and circumstance..."_

He strokes my hair softly, _"How do you feel about that Liv?"_

_"I think I'm glad...it was mundane...an everyday event...there was nothing special about it and he did nothing good..."_

He smiles gently, _"It's more than he deserved, but I'm glad for you, if this brings you a little peace..."_

**_'I will always want you_ **

**_I came in like a wrecking ball_ **

**_I never hit so hard in love_ **

**_All I wanted was to break your walls_ **

**_All you ever did was break me'_ **

He lightly strokes my back as he leans his head down onto mine, _"Liv, you feel very tense, can I run you a bath? I'm not going anywhere I'll be right here when you finish..."_ he adds as I curl tighter into him.

I bite my lip slightly as I debate the thoughts that rush into my head.

_"Rafael, I know that neither of us are ready for anything, but...do you think we could take a bath together...not to be sexual, but just to relax...just to be together..."_

He seems unsure as he looks at me, _"I've no swim shorts with me Liv..."_

_"You don't need them Rafael, I want us to try to get used to each other's bodies, and this seems like a good way to do it..."_

He says nothing, just pulls us both up off the couch, and leads me by the hand, to the bathroom. I sit in the chair as he fills the tub with hot water and sweet smelling bath oils.

When the tub is filled enough, he reaches his hand out to me, pulling me back to my feet. He kisses me lightly and undresses me carefully. His touch is not tentative, it's confident and gentle, and when I stand before him in only my underwear, he makes no effort to take them off. Instead he undresses himself, as I watch him. When he stands only in his underwear, he whispers, _"We can get in like this Liv?"_

I shake my head, grateful for his thought, but it is unnecessary. I reach for his last item of clothing and push them gently down his legs, before repeating the action with my own underwear.

He steps into the tub and holds a hand out to me, guiding me to sit back against him.

The heat of the water and his skin are delicious to my tense body. He starts to squeeze warm water over my shoulders from the sponge as we lay there.

My arms run along his legs, and I feel at peace. There is no thought of our nakedness, as we allow the water to soothe us.

_"Liv, can I wash your hair?"_

I nod, as he starts to wet my hair, stroking it as he drips water off the sponge. I sit up slightly to allow him access as he starts to massage shampoo into my scalp. His hands feel amazing on my muscles, as he works down my neck and my shoulders too.

After the most relaxing shampooing I have ever experienced, he reaches for the jug I use to wash the shampoo out of Noah's hair. His hand sits carefully across my forehead to protect my eyes from the suds, just as I do with Noah.

I borrow his sponge and start to soap up his legs then his arms, just wanting the opportunity to touch him, to show some of the care he has shown me.

We lie in the tub, enjoying each other's presence, until the cooling water drives us out.

He wraps a large, warm, towel tenderly around me, kissing me gently, as he starts to dry my hair with a smaller one.

Again I notice a parallel between how I bathe Noah and how he is delicately looking after me, but as I look into his eyes, I can see love and no small measure of desire in them.

All worries of this being an innocent, childlike, bath are brushed away as I notice his body's arousal. I'm surprised to feel my own body has responded to his care too. This is not innocent; we are both clearly aroused by each other...

As I pull a towel around his shoulders, I wrap my arms around him tightly.

_"I desire you Rafael...as much as you desire me..."_

He kisses me deeply.

_"Liv, I'd want to be dead to not desire you...you're such a beautiful woman..."_

As we both finish drying off, we can't take our eyes of each other.

I take him by the hand and lead him into my bedroom, pulling off his towel and then my own as I pull him into bed.

 _"I'm not sure this is such a good idea Liv,"_ he whispers as I pull him onto his side behind me.

His arm slides around my waist as I lean comfortably against him. I can't help but notice that as a naked man lies behind me, his hardness pressed tightly against my butt, I feel completely safe.

**_'I came in like a wrecking ball_ **

**_Yeah, I just closed my eyes and swung_ **

**_Left me crouching in a blaze and fall_ **

**_All you ever did was break me'_ **

He gently twists my damp hair up, as he surrenders himself to the comfort we have found in each other's arms.

As I feel my tired eyes start to close, I pull his hand up to rest between my breasts, on my heart. I can't say it but I hope he can feel what I want to say.

**_'I will always want you'_ **


	41. She will be loved

**_"She will be loved"_ ** **by _Maroon 5..._**

****

****

My mind is spinning as she pulls me into bed beside her...we are both naked. In any other circumstances I would be delighted, and it confuses me that my flesh seems to be completely immune to the fears that bombard my mind. Is this just too much too soon? I just don't feel like I am in control of my own body.

The way she has arranged us, my erection is poking her butt pretty clearly, there is no way she hasn't felt it...

She is quite clearly unbothered by it, as she curls into me, but what happens if she falls asleep? Should I dress myself? Or pull away from her?

I don't want her to think I don't want to be near her. I know how hard she is struggling to believe that she is not ruined by what **he** did to her...

How can she worry that **his** actions could affect how I see her?

**_'I drove for miles and miles and wound up_ **

**_At your door'_ **

As she lies here, and I can feel the warmth of her body against me, I want nothing more...but I also don't want to be the cause of a nightmare? Or for her to wake to think **he** is here, trying to hurt her...

How can she **not** be afraid of my body? How can she look at my penis, and not only see how it could be used as a weapon to hurt her? As I feel my body reacting to her, I can't separate it from **his**...from how **he** tried to hurt her...is my body not threatening the exact same thing?

I can feel her heart slowly changing its rhythm under my hand, as she finds sleep.

As her breathing changes, I know she is asleep.

I pull my elbow up under me so I can look at her. She looks so peaceful...her cheeks are still slightly flushed from the bath, her lips are parted a little and I can't help but compare how she looks now, to how she looked in the bath...was that really only yesterday morning? How could it be such a short time ago, it feels like I've lived a lifetime in those hours.

But as I look down at the naked woman lying beside me, it's the memory of her enjoying finding pleasure with me, that fills my mind. I can only begin to understand now, how much that must have meant to her, because I understand better, what she has been through.

As I look at the scars **he** left behind on her body, I don't see the disfigurement that she seems to see in them, I see a beautiful woman, who has suffered, in her scars I see her strength, and they do nothing to dim her beauty. Even the worst of them are hardly noticeable, especially when faced with the beauty of her body, her face and her spirit...

**_'Look for the girl with the broken smile_ **

**_Ask her if she wants to stay awhile_ **

**_And she will be loved, and she will be loved'_ **

Again as I look at her, my body starts to react to her, and I can't help but remember how it felt to have her body in my arms as she climaxed. I know how much of a privilege it was to be part of that. I know how much I enjoyed it, not just my own pleasure but being with her, pleasuring her, but I can't help wondering if maybe she only went that far for me? Because I pushed her?

I struggle to separate what that **monster** did to her, from my memories of her touching herself, touching me...of our pleasure. I know it isn't the same...but it confuses me.

As our early morning bath continues to play in my head, I can't help but wonder what has caused her intense dislike of her body's arousal? What she told me last night, has explained a lot of things I had been unsure of...but this is still playing on my mind. I'm not sure I can ask her. Is it not too personal a question? Is this not pressing her for details she is not ready, or willing to give me? Could she still be hiding another monstrous act?

She told me she used to enjoy receiving oral sex, but now she can't consider it...is this related to what she told me last night? Thoughts like this have been continuously plaguing me ever since she told me...

Did my fingers touching her, bring back bad memories?

As I try to remember every movement I made, every touch, every reaction from her, my body refuses to listen to my demands for it to stop. I'm terrified that I may have done something that brought back **his** horrors...

**_'Tap on my window, knock on my door, I_ **

**_Want to make you feel beautiful_ **

**_I know I tend to get so insecure_ **

**_It doesn't matter anymore'_ **

Despite the internal struggle in my mind, my body is still demanding attention, and when I find my hand starting to reach for my hardness, I can't fight the disgust.

I try to get up as quietly, and unobtrusively as I can.

She barely stirs, as I extricate myself, and go to the bathroom to splash cold water on my face. I will my stomach to settle as I lean over the sink.

I thought that removing myself from her warm flesh would calm my body's call for attention, but it has barely made any difference.

I understand I have been pressed up against her, in one way or another, for too long now, to claim that I can't understand why my body is making these demands, but it still feels like a betrayal. I know she is a beautiful, sexy, woman...and I am immensely attracted to her...but how can I not control myself? How can I be hard, even when I'm worrying that I brought up memories of **him** , as I tried to show her pleasure? How can I look at her sleeping peacefully and only see parallels to how she looked as she surrendered to pleasure?

This memory does nothing to relieve the pressure, even though it is still as confused.

I'm usually very at ease with my physique, which is why the hatred I felt for my body after I heard what Patton did to Amanda, came as such a surprise. I'm pretty happy with how I look, I'll even admit to a little vanity. I've never really understood the size concerns a lot of men seem to have about their penis. I've never felt any shame in taking pleasure in my own body, whether it is alone, or with a partner. I enjoy fantasizing, and pleasuring myself. I see it as a very healthy activity but now I almost hate myself as my hand slips down.

As my hand wraps around my length, it just feels wrong.

I wrap a towel around my hips and try to deny it. How can my flesh be so demanding when my brain can't consider such acts?

I sink into the chair in the room, dropping my head into my hands.

Her hand resting softly on my neck, is the first sign of her presence, I am aware of.

**_'I know where you hide alone in your car_ **

**_Know all of the things that make you who you are'_ **

As I raise my head, she is standing before me, still naked.

_"Rafael, talk to me please...?"_

I pull her down onto my lap, wrapping my arms around her. I can see her look at the towel I have wrapped around my waist.

 _"I'm sorry Liv,"_ I whisper.

She lifts my chin softly, kissing my cheeks.

_"What's bothering you Rafael? Why are you covering yourself up?"_

I hate that amongst all her own pain, she has to deal with mine too. She starts to stroke my hair as she looks at me, and without thinking I rest my head on her chest. She cradles my head against her, stroking it tenderly.

_"Rafael, I don't think it's possible to hear what you did yesterday, without any effects..."_

I tip my head up and down a couple of times. She waits patiently for me...

_"Liv..."_

_"Tell me Rafael, please?"_

She lifts my head until our eyes meet. I can see how open she is, she wants to talk...

_"Liv, when we were in the bath...when I touched you...I didn't know what **he** had done...I didn't want to remind you of **him**..."_

_"You didn't Rafael...honestly...I didn't think of **him** at all...I was shocked...I felt pleasure at my own hands...I can't begin to explain how much that means to me...and when you touched me, it felt amazing...I wanted you to touch me...if I'm honest I can't quite get the desire for you to touch me again, out of my mind...Even with everything else, I'm so scared you won't want me now because I really want you..."_

As I look at her, I see her cheeks redden slightly, as she says this, I can see she means it.

_"I didn't think I could feel like this again Rafael...I want to have sex with you...I'm scared...and I don't quite know how to go about it...but I've spent a fair bit of time thinking about it...I mean we can't really have sex in the bath, well maybe not comfortably, the first time at least..."_

This conversation is doing nothing to relieve the pressure in my crotch.

_"...and I think you may be right about a bed having too many bad associations in my head...I understand how you could be worried, you're a good man, but your touch has reminded me how it can feel...you have never reminded me of **him** , of what happened...and you can always talk to me about this..."_

She looks me in the eye, _"I can't imagine how confusing this must be, that I put horrible images in you head and then want you to sleep naked beside me...or take a bath with me...but I really enjoy to feel your body against me...I'm not quite ready to be more sexual yet...and I'm sorry if it's too much to ask, I should have asked out straight...but please don't hate your body for reacting...I'm very glad it does...and I hope you don't feel guilty about pleasuring yourself?..."_

_"I don't usually..."_

_"So what's different now Rafael?"_

_"I'm not just remembering holding you as you climaxed, how good it felt, how good your touch felt... images of **him** , of what **he** did, keep getting mixed up in it..."_

_"But that's not what you body is reacting to Rafael, especially not when you are lying in bed, with me pressed up against you..."_

_"But those thoughts should be enough to stop it dead, Liv...how can it not kill my arousal to think of you being hurt...maybe I am capable of some horror..."_

" _No Rafael, listen to me, NO...your body is reacting to reality, to my body, to memories of what we have done...don't ever doubt that...you need to hear me...you are not capable of **that**..."_

I summon all my courage, _"Liv, can I ask you something?"_

She nods deeply, _"Anything..."_

_"A couple of things have been bothering me, you can tell me its none of my business, but, you said you used to enjoy receiving oral sex but now you don't, and you're really bothered by your own arousal...I thought it would make sense when I knew what **he** did...but I'm not sure I do understand, and I'm so scared there's more...”_

_"Oh Rafael, I'm so sorry...you should have asked me...please don't worry about things like this, I mean I can see why you would, but talk to me...I'm not sure really about the oral sex...there's no reason as such, **he** didn't...I suppose it was more about things **he** said, ...and my feelings...it feels so vulnerable, like I'd be on display...I just can't..."_

I can see this is hard for her and I feel bad for asking her, but her answer has gone a long way to putting my mind at ease that there are no more horrors to disclose.

_"I'm sorry Liv, I didn't want to make you uncomfortable..."_

She shakes her head, _"I need to be able to talk about these things, this feels ridiculous, I'm not shy...I think that maybe in time, I'll be able to change it, but now, it scares me even more than sex..."_

I stroke her face, _"It's ok, I guess I was just worried really...there's no rush, no pressure...I never thought about how vulnerable and 'on display' you could feel...that's a perfectly good reason on its own..."_

_"Are you sure you want to know about...the wetness...?"_

Her words are almost a whisper as she reaches the end of the sentence. I'm terrified, I'm not sure if I can deal with anymore, but I need to know...I can only nod.

_" **He** kept telling me that I wanted it, telling me I'd be ready for **him**...I was so scared **he** 'd find me wet...it became such a big thing in my head...and then after the bathroom, when I waited on help...I cleaned up...my gun..."_

I can see where she is going with this, I don't need her to say it, and as I look at her, I'm not sure she can, I don't think she's ready to say it yet...I quickly put my finger over her lips, as a tear slips from her left eye. I kiss it away lightly.

_"It's ok Liv...I'm sorry...you don't have to say it...I'm so sorry baby..."_

I can see how deeply this has affected her.

_"You know it's not the same thing...when we're together..."_

She nods but she can't meet my eyes.

_"Liv, you understand, so much better than me, how your body can react even when you don't want it to...you were just telling me it's not my fault that my body is much more interested in you, than what my mind is trying to tell it...and when we're together I just want you to enjoy what we are doing, and I would never do anything unless your body was ready, it would hurt you...there is no need to feel ashamed or embarrassed..."_

She slowly raises her eyes, _"I know, and some of what you said yesterday...it really did go in...It means so much that you said all of that...I know it's stupid..."_

_"No Liv, it is not stupid...I can only imagine...but it's not disgusting...it's part of what allows us to enjoy each other...I'm just embarrassed at how much I still don't know, despite my position in SVU...I find it hard to understand how my penis doesn't scare you, but it never occurs to me why this would be a concern...I'm sure that **he** did everything **he** could think of, said everything **he** could...but you never wanted anything **he** did and nothing your body did or didn't do, changes that... **he** was a sick bastard, **he** just wanted to hurt you...and **he** had four days to do it...you were drugged and dehydrated and drunk...can you understand how strong you were? How strong you are?"_

She just looks at me, still unsure. My mouth seems to be something else I have little control over as it asks something I would never have thought of saying out loud now...

_"Did you really mean it Liv, that you've been thinking about sex?"_

She nods slightly, shyly smiling.

 _"Even after last night...?"_ Again my mouth circumvents my brain, I can only hope she understands it is not a judgment, that I'm amazed at her resilience and her strength, and want to be able to look forward with her, to a time when I feel more in control...

 _"Maybe not tonight, but...yeah..."_ she smiles and gives me such a seductive look that my body immediately responds to it, and I know she can feel it.

_"Could we maybe start to talk about it a little, Rafael?"_

I kiss her softly.

_"You are so amazing, I can't believe how strong you are...Of course we can talk about it, but I think I need a little time...I don't want to be confused...I need these images out of my head before..."_

**_'And she will be loved, and she will be loved'_ **

She kisses me deeply, nodding. _"So any ideas?"._

I laugh, " _I may have given it a little thought myself...so positions...I don't think I should be on top..."_

_"Funny, Rafael, I thought you'd always want to be on top..."_

I try to scowl but can't stop the smile that breaks through it, _"See the sacrifices I'm willing to make for you..."_ I kiss her again. _"How would you feel about being on top?"_

She smiles widely, _"I used to quite enjoy that..."_

I roll my eyes at her, _"From everything I've read it seems to suggest face to face...so if you get tired we could try side by side, still face to face..."_

 _"You think you can tire me out? That sounds like a challenge..."_ she whispers in my ear.

This woman is definitely going to be the death of me...

_"I'm not sure about where, a suggestion I've read again and again, is your bed, where you feel safe, but I'm not sure...I think comfort and safety are a big concern, also familiarity, but I'm not sure how you feel about it?"_

_"I can't think of a better alternative...and maybe because it doesn't involve a lot of forward planning and extra effort there's no added pressure?"_

_"It doesn't matter what we decide on, there is no pressure, if it just doesn't feel right, we stop...if you're tired, if you had a nightmare two weeks before and it's not out of your head...Liv, I mean it, I don't care how long it takes, and we can stop at **any time**...do you hear me?...and we're not even considering it, until you are completely relaxed and ready...I couldn't live with myself if I felt like I pushed you..."_

**_'And she will be loved, and she will be loved'_ **

_"Rafael you are not pushing me, you are so patient, so understanding..."_ she punctuates each word with a kiss, wrapping her arms around my neck.

_"And please don't ever feel guilty about an erection, or pleasuring yourself, or a fantasy...none of it...I wish that things weren't so hard for us, I wish that we could be normal about these things, that none of these conversations were necessary, but I can't always do what I wish I could...I'm glad you can see me as a sexual person, I want you to see me like that, even when I can't...you don't have to hide any of it from me..."_

I know she can feel my hardness pushing up under the towel as she says this. There is no discomfort though as she sits on my lap with her still naked body pressed against me.

_"I can't believe I'm sitting here with you like this Rafael, I seem to have a confidence I never thought I'd have again, with you...I know you desire me...and yet I feel safe and comfortable...you have made so much of a difference, even if you don't think you have...not so long ago, I would never have believed this was possible...I've made an appointment to go to IAB and 1PP tomorrow to disclose our relationship...so hurry back to bed, I sleep better with you beside me."_

As she speaks, she puts her hand on my chest, and places my hand over her heart.

**_'And she will be loved, and she will be loved_ **

**_And she will be loved, and she will be loved'_ **

For a few beats she says nothing, just sits still looking into my eyes.

**_'It's not always rainbows and butterflies_ **

**_It's compromise that moves us along yeah_ **

**_My heart is full, and my door's always open_ **

**_You can come anytime you want yeah'_ **


	42. Sometimes when we touch

When he slid back into the bed behind me, he seemed so much more relaxed. It was easy to speculate that the lack of tension in him was related to the soft body pressing against me, but it feels like so much more.

 _"Liv, I don't want to cause a nightmare for you, or to scare you, are you sure this is ok?"_ he whispers softly.

I take his hand and kiss it gently, _"I'm not completely sure Rafael, I don't think it will...but maybe at some point, that may happen..."_

He seems to consider this carefully, as I turn over to face him.

_"I am afraid...I don't want to wake up to another nightmare, I don't want to see it happen again, or to see what could have happened...but I can't live like that, always trying to avoid anything that may cause a problem...I want to go to sleep in your arms...I want to lie like this, to feel the warmth of your body..."_

He strokes my face so tenderly, as he nods.

_"I wouldn't hurt you Liv...and if you do have a nightmare, I'll be here..."_

I know he is still slightly more worried than I am. He is so scared of hurting me, that he is afraid to just let himself enjoy the moment. He is allowing me the control to make the decision, but he is still a little reticent.

As I feel his body start to relax, I'm glad of my experience in SVU. I'm grateful for the understanding I have garnered from all of the men and women who have inadvertently educated me, over the years.

I hate that he feels any of this, that he feels such confusion in his body's reactions.

I'm very aware that he really does need some time to process my disclosure. How can I make all of this easier for him? When we do try to pick up our sexual activity, what can we do to help each other? I don't want him to sacrifice his enjoyment for me. I want to pleasure him and learn about what he enjoys as much as he wants to pleasure me. I feel utterly ridiculous, as I lay naked in my bed, with a naked man, trying to figure out how I can learn his sexual likes. Surely this is an easy answer, we just spend time touching, talking...

I can't help wondering are we over-complicating all this? But as I remember how upset he was at his body's very natural reaction,...this is already very complicated. I don't think he could explain any better, what was going on, I'm not sure he really understands it...

I'm not sure I really understand my own reaction much better, I feel like I should be more affected, like I should be more conscious of being naked, of being close to him...instead I feel comfortable, safe even, lying in his arms.

**_'At times I understand you_ **

**_And I know how hard you try_ **

**_I watched while love commands you'_ **

And in this cocoon of safety, it all just threatens to suffocate me...and the tears that never seem far from the surface, start to slip out again. The way I'm lying means that they fall away easily, never leaving the tell tale lines down my cheeks.

Somewhere in the deepest recesses of my brain I know these aren't the usual tears though, they aren't borne of frustration or upset...there's no overpowering emotion of any sort. The hot, wet, tears that drop back off the sides of my face, into my hair, are silent, almost painless, the only evidence of them is the tightness of their salty path around the crows feet that line my eyes and maybe a few damp strands of hair where they fall.

It doesn't feel like a lot to mark what they really mean.

Each tiny drop that breaks loose, signals acceptance.

As I feel Rafael's warm breath on my neck, one phrase looms large in my mind. It seems strange that it has taken this long for it to really find its place...

**Harris is dead, he was a monster, but he's dead. Lewis was a monster too, he raped me, but he's dead too,...**

The words thunder out in my head, one at a time, almost as if they have ejected every competing thought or sound, until there was nothing left but them.

**He raped me...**

The images that match the words flood back...but without the emotion that usually accompanies them. There's no fear, no agony, no pain, just the remembrance of events long past. I almost see them as an observer might have, but yet I can feel every disgusting touch, as if it were happening again now.

Even as I feel it all, there is no panic, no distress, no attempts to escape, because every part of my being, is aware that this isn't a nightmare or flashback, it's not really happening now...I'm safely in Rafael's arms now. I can't do anything to escape; because I couldn't escape it then, it happened...it's not happening now, but it did happen.

Maybe some of the tears are for what I lost...for the woman who died in that place.

I close my eyes to try and stop the images, the tears, but it does nothing to affect either. The tears continue to drip off my face and the images still play unhindered.

My eyes seek out the man beside me. He looks so peaceful. The expressive face that never seems to be able to hide his thoughts and feelings from those that know him, is relaxed in sleep, the gorgeous green eyes are closed and hiding whatever fills his head in his dreams.

As I look at him now, I can't help but compare his unperturbed, eased, visage to the pain-filled, stressed, countenance that has become all too familiar in the last few days.

**_'And who am I to judge you_ **

**_In what you say or do_ **

**_I'm only just beginning_ **

**_To see the real you'_ **

He barely slept last night. Between whatever horrors plagued him, and the nightmares that kept spoiling my efforts at sleep, he seemed to have hardly closed his eyes. He never once complained, when the monsters tried to pull me back into the past, he gently woke me, stroking my arm, holding my hand, soothing and reassuring me with a soft voice, that **they** weren't here, that I was in my bed, that the touch I could feel was him. Despite his own turmoil, his own pain, his exhaustion, not once has his thought been for himself. Even his decision to go to the support group meeting was largely influenced by his desire to keep his pain away from me.

How can a man like this want to love me?

I can't be responsible for another night of no sleep for him...

Somehow this thought reminds me that a new couple, like us, **should** be spending plenty of nights hardly sleeping, we should be spending half the night lying in bed awake, but for very different reasons. We should be exploring each other, touching every inch of each other, unable to keep our hands off each other's bodies. We should be spending our nights in a delicious sex filled bubble, not a reality where he is terrified of touching me, and feels guilty for his body reacting to my naked body pressed against him.

And how long is this self-imposed sexual embargo going to last? He has been so patient; he allows me to control almost anything physical...what about him? His likes? His pleasure? There is no balance of any sort, in our meager sexual activities...it is all tipped hugely in my favor. How can I address that? I know I need extra consideration, I hate it, I hate being broken, but I do need extra help to be able to consider sex, in all of its guises, again. How can I get that help, but not take all the focus? How long will it take for this...feeling...to pass again? Do I have to sit back and wait, or can I try to push it away faster?

I want to reach out to him...to stroke his face, that light stubble that is just so sexy...but I don't want to wake him again. And I don't want him to see even more tears...

**_'Romance and all it's strategy_ **

**_Leaves me battling with my pride_ **

**_But through all the insecurity_ **

**_Some tenderness survives'_ **

So I look at the ceiling instead, trying to will the tears to stop.

I've laid in bed so many times and cried myself to sleep, but this still feels odd, I'm definitely not numb, I'm feeling...so much...but the normal feelings that accompany tears are still missing. There is no huge upset, no huge frustration, no sobbing, I'm calm...it's as if I'm crying for what I have lost, but I've accepted it is all lost, is this resignation?

**Lewis raped me.**

**He** pushed my gun into me, **his** fingers, some of... **his** penis...

It was only the slightest penetration...

I almost wish I could know how much of his disgusting, body found its way into me.

I know it doesn't matter, but I can't help the thought that it matters more than nearly anything else... Why does it matter so much, if it was an inch or six inches? But it does. It's like the less of him that forced its way inside me; the more of me, there is, left, to be saved...

As I think these thoughts, I'm awfully ashamed of myself. I know how badly against everything I believe in, they are. How badly they pander to the stereotype of a forced act 'ruining' a victim... I hate that this untrue, uneducated, garbage is in my mind, but it is how I feel.

It feels like the scars that mar my skin, were only the foreplay to the uglier, more permanent, markers he left on, in my body...

I sniff lightly, trying not to move my arm, to allow my fingers to wipe away the tears that's still fall, for fear of waking Rafael. Instead I tip my head back slightly, and try to tilt my eyes up to stem their flow. This, also fails to make any impact, but as my eyes look to the man beside me, they meet pained green eyes.

I try to hide the tears, to pretend that I'm only waking, to turn my head away, but his hand softly turns my head back to him.

 _"Did you ever sleep?"_ he asks sadly.

I try to shrug, but his gaze is too focused, for his enquiry to be so easily cast off.

He takes my hand in his, not moving away from me, but not pulling me closer either.

 _"What is it Liv?"_ he whispers.

I can see him looking at the tears rolling down the outside of my face into my hair, I can see he wants to wipe them away but he won't, he needs to know what has caused them.

 _"I'm sorry Rafael, I didn't want to wake you..."_ I croak softly.

_"Liv, I want to be awake when you are upset...I want to be here..."_

Despite the softness of his voice, I can hear steel behind his words. And that immovable look he gets, when he has made a decision he will not deviate from, that I've become so familiar with in his work persona, is looking back at me.

 _"I'm not going anywhere..."_ he adds gently.

I'd like to say that I want to share it with him, but the truth is that I'm just so tired...I know how resolute he is when he gets this look, and I'm just too tired to fight him. _"I don't know...it feels like maybe I'm finally accepting...everything..."_

I want him to say something, to hold me, to let us try to go some sleep, but he just holds and my hand and waits for me to continue.

 _"I'm tired Rafael, we can talk about this another time..."_ I say as I try to close my eyes.

He pushes himself up on his elbow, not pulling away from me or moving closer, just raising himself in his position to be able to look me in the eye. The unexpected movement is enough to have my eyes fly open.

He seems to realize that his raised position, as he looks down into my eyes, feels threatening to me, as I lie beneath him. Instead he lies back down and lightly pulls on my hand, silently asking me to turn over and face him. My body seems to comply without any thought of asking my mind.

He still says nothing, but I don't sense that he has nothing to say, as he looks at me tenderly.

**_'At times I think we're drifters_ **

**_Still searching for a friend_ **

**_A brother or a sister_ **

**_But then the passion flares again'_ **

_"It's not one thought...it's a mess...it's like a twisted game of word associations..."_

He nods lightly, a few short dips of his head.

 _"This..."_ I gesture between us, _"...it's supposed to be...balanced...two equals...a collaboration..."_

Again he nods.

 _"But it's not Rafael, it's tipped so far in my favor... **he** raped me...I don't know how much of... **himself** he pushed into me...but it's changed me...I need so much extra...help...to even consider anything sexual...and now it's all been brought up again...I don't want this..." _ again I gesture between us, _"to be so...imbalanced..."_

I watch the small frown ghost across his features as he processes my words carefully, ensuring he answers each point when he speaks.

_"This partnership is two equals, Liv. Don't ever think for one second that we are not..."_

His hand cups my cheek as he speaks, finally allowing the hand that has been itching to wipe away my tears, to caress away the drops that still fall.

_"Only a couple of hours ago you were there for me, trying to help me...I'm sorry if I make it feel like this relationship is unbalanced...the truth is that it's not...what **he** did, it has effected both of us, but you were the one who had to live through it, to experience it...when I'm reluctant...it's not because I don't want you, or that I just want to protect you...I need to protect myself too...I don't want to see myself as someone who could hurt you anymore,... I want to help us find a way to replace the bad memories...I need to replace the bad memories too...and I enjoy being with you, at least as much as you do...I worry that I'm pushing you too hard, or that I'm getting more out of our relationship than you are..."_

I can't hide my surprise at this.

_"Liv, after everything you have been through, you are still there for me...no matter what...you worry about my reactions, my feelings...just as I worry about yours...I've never been with anyone that I've felt like this, this is a true partnership...and if sometimes one of us needs a little extra care, that's part of it...because the other is more than willing to give it...I suppose that's what love is..."_

He kisses my hand gently, looking to me before leaning in and lightly brushing his lips against mine.

**_'You ask me if I love you_ **

**_And I choke on my reply'_ **

For a moment he is silent but I can see his mind whirring beneath the quiet.

_"Can I ask you something Liv?"_

I hold my breath slightly, as I barely tip my head forward.

 _"Does it really...matter to you? That **he**..."_ he falters and I can see he is lost..." _Liv, I don't know how to put what I'm trying to say...I need you to help me...like you told me how to refer to **him** , or how we figured out vocabulary for our bodies, or even what to call what **he** did...I don't know what words to use..."_

I can hear how hard he is struggling as he says this, and I place a hand above his heart.

I'm not really sure what he's trying to say so I try to finish his sentence in my head, but there are just too many variables...

I nod softly, _"I don't know what you're trying to say..."_

He swallows deeply, aware of my confusion, but still with no clue how to address whatever it is...

_"You said that you don't know how much of **himself** ..."_

The second he sees the understanding dawn in me, he stops.

 _"Does that...I mean, is that important to you?"_ he breathes into my ear.

I can only nod, as I still battle to find the words he couldn’t...

**_'I'd rather hurt you honestly_ **

**_Than mislead you with a lie'_ **

"I know **he** raped me, there are no degrees in that...however slight it was...it was enough...too much...and I know its wrong, but I can't help it...I can't help trying to imagine it...trying to imagine how much he could have..."

As I say, it I can see him desperately trying to fight off the images my words are conjuring forward.

_"Rafael, how can you listen to this?...how can you want to know this?"_

**_'At times I'd like to break you_ **

**_And drive you to your knees_ **

**_At times I'd like to break through_ **

**_And hold you endlessly'_ **

_"Because I want to understand Liv, as much as I can..."_

The steel behind his pain is unmistakable again.

 _"I hate that I sound like someone who hasn't got the vocabulary to deal with this when I try to talk about it all, I have this vocabulary...I need to start using it."_ Some of his strength has found its way into me, _" **He** raped me, Rafael, **he** penetrated me with a gun and his fingers.... **he** penetrated me to some degree with **his**...penis"_ the words make me feel sick as I force them out, but there is also some sense of power.

His jaw tenses, and he frowns as he tries to gather his thoughts.

_"Liv, it doesn't matter to what degree **he** penetrated you...you were so right when you said there is no penetration, of any sort, that is unwanted, that is not rape...I hate that it happened, but I'm so glad you survived, that you are here with me now, and nothing **he** did, achieved what **he** wanted...you are not broken, you are stronger than **him**..."_

He leans his forehead on mine and his hand on my heart, as my hand rests on his heart.

**_'And sometimes when we touch_ **

**_The honesty's too much_ **

**_And I have to close my eyes and hide_ **

**_I want to hold you till I die_ **

**_Till we both break down and cry_ **

**_I want to hold you till the fear in me subsides'_ **

****

****

**_A/N "Sometimes when we touch"_ ** **by _Dan Hill..._**


	43. One day like this

**_"One Day Like This"_ ** **by _Elbow_**

**Numbers 10 and 11 from _"12 Things No One Told Me About Sex After Rape"_ by _CJ Hale_**

It's only now as I head home, that I start to realize the weekend awaits me.

I let out a long sigh.

The last week feels like it has been so much longer...I won't allow my mind to dredge up all that the last seven days has held for me. It is too easy to allow it’s troubles to swallow me whole, again.

In an effort to stave off the beckoning darkness, during an earlier, short, break from the craziness of SVU, I took a few minutes to dig out my crumpled printed copy of 12 things..., carefully rereading them from my current perspective.

In our first encounter, they promised me hope, a way to see a distant light, and I need to find a similar reassurance in their simple wisdom once again.

Then, I had so far to go, that anything beyond number 9 was almost disregarded, but as I read them now, it is numbers 10 and 11 that speak to me.

**_10\.  Nobody tells you that it doesn't work that way every time. PTSD isn't cured by one blissful experience, and anxiety is a bitch. Sometimes you will burrow down deep in your comforter and wish you could just be NORMAL and have NORMAL sex like a NORMAL person. And it is frustrating. But you will remember that one bad experience does not negate your ability to have future good experiences. And you will drink your tea and feel better._ **   
**_  
_ ** **_11\.  Nobody tells you that people are capable of loving you after you've been raped, and that you are capable of loving back. You are allowed to give yourself to someone completely. Likewise, you are allowed to hold back. You are allowed to be fearful but you are also allowed to trust again. Your healing process is your own and regardless of how you get there, know that as long as you are taking care of yourself, nobody has any right to tell you differently._ **

I can't help wondering if this too, is progress?

The words fill me with faith, with hope, with a serenity that has been missing for so long.

Pulling into a parking space outside my home, I suck in a deep breath.

All the struggles, the stumbles, of the last few days have taught me a lot. Rafael loves me...even thinking it, terrifies me, but it also comforts me. He knows, pretty much the all of it, all my secrets, all my crushing shame...and not only has he not run, but we've gotten so much closer... Even as it has felt like I'm slipping back into the darkness, he has been there for me, holding a hand out to steady me, at every turn. It's almost as if I needed this week and all its pain, to see how my upset mattered so much to him, to drop the final barriers we had been trying to keep up to protect ourselves.

I walk up the stairs slowly, conscious that as a Lieutenant, I will do even more paperwork and a lot less running around after perps, and I still have a toddler to keep up with. I allow myself to smile. I need to get my exercise where I can.

I speed up, taking the stairs faster; I can't wait to get in the door, to lay down the files that fill my arms, to call Rafael. I look forward to feeling his arms wrap around me. There is almost no fear of rejection. I know that as soon as he finishes work he will be happy to see me too.

Noah should be in bed, so I unlock the door and enter quietly, careful not to wake him.

As I step inside the apartment, it's darker than it usually would be. My brow furrows slightly, searching out Lucy, as Rafael appears instead.

 _"Liv..."_ he mutters as he pulls me into a warm hug, _"I hope it's ok, but I convinced Lucy to let me in?"_

I can only nod, as I unreservedly, curl into him, resting my head on his shoulder, nuzzling his neck softly, while I hold him, every bit as tightly as he holds me.

 _"I wanted to take you out, on a proper date, to treat you as you deserve to be treated...but I thought that after the last week, and with Noah, and your promotion, this might be better?"_ he whispers to me.

It's only now as I look around the apartment, I see it's completely lit in candlelight. There is soft music playing, and as I step back to look at Rafael, he is dressed as if he was going out, wearing a pair of grey pants and a perfectly cut, black shirt that lies open at the neck. My hand automatically reaches to stroke the exposed skin at the base of his neck.

 _"You look fantastic Rafael,"_ I mutter, as I take in the relaxed, sexy, man that stands before me.

I look down at the 'functional' black pants, the 'appropriate' cream shirt, and the 'sensible' shoes I'm wearing, wishing desperately that I looked more like I belong with the suave man standing before me.

I chew on my bottom lip, feeling very self-conscious and under-dressed.

_"We can eat whenever we want, if you want to wash up first?"_

My hand strokes his cheek as I smile and nod, as always, touched by his thoughtfulness.

He kisses me again.

_"Noah helped me make dinner before I put him down..."_

I can't help chuckling, _"I can only imagine..."_ I say as I peek around, looking for evidence of the mess that inevitably accompanies his 'efforts' at helping. Instead I see the table beautifully set for two, with a long stemmed rose, candles, and a crisp white tablecloth.

_"Wow. Rafael this is...perfect."_

He smiles broadly, kissing my forehead lightly. " _Go check on Noah, and have a shower if you want...take your time, relax..."_ he tells me as he wanders back into the kitchen.

My son is fast asleep, safe in his dinosaur wrapped bed, curled into a twisted ball on his side, and judging from the book on his bedside table, Rafael read him a story. This little detail means even more to me than all his other efforts, he has, as always, included my son...

I smile contentedly, as I head towards the shower, quickly twisting my hair up, so it doesn't get wet.

The hot spray pounds against my skin, deliciously loosening the taut muscles of my neck and shoulders. And I allow myself to imagine the despair that felt so inescapable, such a short time ago, whirling down the drain with the water and body wash running off my body.

Only a few minutes later, I'm standing in front of my closet, wrapped in a towel, pulling out a little black dress I never thought I'd wear again. I lay it on the bed, smiling softly, as I search out my sexiest underwear.

It doesn't escape my notice that I feel like I'm dressing for a date, I feel like a sexy woman... I plug in my straighteners, and stand before the mirror, allowing the towel to fall away. My body has not changed, the flesh is still the same, but as my skin cools, the differences are undeniable. My hand unashamedly runs across my breast, barely seeing the marked skin, altogether too distracted by its sensitivity.

If one blissful experience can't fix everything, neither can a stumble ruin it all.

Maybe I've spent too much energy allowing the fear to control me?

I know the fear is inescapable, I've seen too much to have any innocence left to the horrors that are possible, but maybe I need to harness it better. It can protect me, it is a tool, I can use it, but maybe it's also holding me back?

My fingers unconsciously find their way to the only jewellery I wear, the necklace that Rafael chose for me, my tree of life. There is so much that is beyond my control...I won't allow this to be one of those things. I can choose to be happy.

Not long later, my hair is straight and smooth, I'm dressed, and pulling on some red, kitten heeled, shoes. I fix my makeup a little, but keep it very light, more like my everyday look, with a touch of a smoky eye.

I take a deep breath, and look in the mirror.

**Now I look more like a match for the man outside.**

Maybe I'm even beginning to feel like one too?

He seems very at home in the kitchen, as I slide my arms around his waist, and he squeezes my arms, leaning back into me.

 _"I hope you're not too tired for this Liv?"_ he asks as he turns to me.

 _"Wow...Liv you are stunning..."_ he says stepping back further to look at me.

 _"Wow"_ he mutters again, almost without noticing the word has escaped his lips. He puts a hand on my lower back and guides me out to the table.

A bottle of champagne is chilling in an ice bucket, a bottle of my favorite red wine is open on the table, and a bouquet of about a dozen red roses is laid on my chair.

_"This is so beautiful Rafael...thank you..."_

_"It has taken me far too long to do this Liv..."_

I silence him with a kiss, softly stroking his cheek, _"No Rafael, this is perfect, and now it means something..."_

He takes the roses from me, putting them into a vase of water beside the couch, and pulls out my chair for me. Despite his perfect, gentlemanly, behavior, I can't help a sneaky look at how good his butt looks in those grey pants, as he pours a glass of champagne, kissing me lightly as he hands it to me.

Sliding into the chair opposite me, with his own glass of champagne, he places a tray of assorted olives, sun-dried tomatoes, meats and cheeses between us.

I reach for his hand as I raise my champagne in toast to him. He immediately takes my hand, our glasses clinking softly.

 _"To us..."_ I whisper.

He beams back at me, _"To us, Liv..."_

After some of the delicious foods we so enjoyed on our picnic, he disappears into the kitchen, returning not too long later, with two huge plates that smell absolutely delicious.

_"I'm sorry Liv, I've never spent a lot of time cooking, and I didn't want to try anything too fancy, that I might screw up...this, I knew would be good, it's not very fancy...but my abuela always taught me that it's the love that goes into Ropa Viejo that makes it special...and I've been making it with her since I was about Noah's age..."_

I try to swallow the lump that appears in my throat, _"You made this? For me?"_

He nods, _"Me and Noah...I didn't make it too spicy because I knew he'd want to eat it too,...but it seemed to get his seal of approval..."_

I try not to cry as I picture my son and this man cooking...

 _"When did you have the time?"_ I ask, still fighting back the tears.

_"I didn't have court or any meetings I couldn't push off to someone else this afternoon..."_

I can barely believe the words I'm hearing. I have no idea what to say so I reach for his hand again, and he pours us a glass of red wine. The food is unbelievable, nothing like the Ropa Viejo I have tasted before, maybe it is the love that's in this dish, but it is sublime.

We are so comfortable and having such a good time, that by the time we have finished eating, we have kicked off our shoes and pulled our chairs closer to each other.

As he carries out dessert, regaling me with stories of how impatient Noah got when he heard he had to wait for it to cook and set, I can hardly believe my baby boy had any part in making the delicate flans.

I can all too easily imagine him wearing it though, as Rafael describes how he attacked it when he was finally permitted to try it.

I can only make it about half way through dessert, and Rafael teases me that Noah had no problem polishing his off. It feels like all we are doing is smiling and laughing...

While he finishes my flan, I wander over to the stereo, changing the playlist and raising the volume so it is more than a background noise.

_"Dance with me Rafael?"_

He takes the hand I have held out to him, pulling me to him. As I rest one arm around his waist, he holds my hand tightly to his chest, his other arm mirroring mine as we move to the music.

_"So...you can cook, you can dance...this has to be the perfect date..."_

_"Hmmmmmm, you know I think it might just be..."_ he whispers back, brushing his lips lightly against mine.

Pulling our hands from between us, I deepen our kiss, moving my body against him, allowing my hands to slide up his back.

When our need for oxygen forces us to pull our lips apart, I start to kiss down his neck, taking full advantage of the fact his shirt is not tucked into his pants, as it usually would be, to run my hands up his sides.

His hands are resting on my hips, as he finds my lips again, but they quickly start to move down to gently cup my butt.

None of the caution, I was terrified would define our physical relationship, after the week's revelations is in evidence, as he softly grinds his hips into mine.

The music that never stopped swells into an arrangement of strings and soft drums. The stringed instruments that can so often sound mournful, now can't seem to contain the unadulterated joy, and hope, of a song that we have discovered is a firm favorite of both of us.

**_'Drinking in the morning sun_ **

**_Blinking in the morning sun_ **

**_Shaking off a heavy one_ **

**_Heavy like a loaded gun'_ **

Our cheeks rest against each other, as we move slowly, completely in synch, to the familiar chords, hearing the words, as if for the first time, realizing only as it plays, how apropos its choice is.

**_'What made me behave that way?_ **

**_Using words I never say_ **

**_I can only think it must be love_ **

**_Oh, anyway, it's looking like a beautiful day'_ **

Again he starts to softly sing to me...his voice somehow still surprising me.

**_'Someone tell me how I feel_ **

**_It's silly wrong but vivid right_ **

**_Oh, kiss me like the final meal_ **

**_Yeah, kiss me like we die tonight'_ **

He looks me straight in the eyes as he echoes the lyrics, making it feel like they were written just for me.

**_'Cos holy cow, I love your eyes_ **

**_And only now I see the light_ **

**_Yeah, lying with you half awake_ **

**_Oh, anyway, it's looking like a beautiful day'_ **

Our dance no longer has anything to do with our stilled feet, as his hands move down my sides and his fingers trace a trail of heat down the fabric of my dress. My arms wrap lightly around his neck, pulling his lips to me. There is no rush as we allow our tongues to caress.

**_'When my face is chamois-creased_ **

**_If you think I wink, I did_ **

**_Laugh politely at repeats_ **

**_Yeah, kiss me when my lips are thin'_ **

His lips start to move down my neck, kissing, licking, down to the cleavage displayed to its best, by the little black dress.

He still seeks my permission at every tiny escalation, but it feels a lot less tentative now, like maybe all the talking, all the honesty, has really given him understanding. It doesn't feel like he is waiting for me to burst into tears or explode anymore, he knows it could happen, it probably **will** happen again, more than once,...but he seems to understand I'm not really made of some fragile, delicate, china. He wants to be sure I'm present, I'm consenting, but that fear, that reserve, is gone, and for the first time I believe he is beginning to really let go.

**_'Cos holy cow, I love your eyes_ **

**_And only now I see the light_ **

**_Yeah, lying with you half awake_ **

**_Stumbling over what to say_ **

**_Well, anyway, it's looking like a beautiful day_ **

**_So throw those curtains wide!_ **

**_One day like this a year would see me right'_ **

I pull his head up from my cleavage, claiming his lips and tongue again, as I start to unbutton his shirt. When the last button pushes through, and his shirt falls open, my hands push from his waist, up his chest, guiding the shirt down his arms. I watch it land on the floor and see he is looking at me, trying to figure out how best to remove my dress, and I make a snap decision.

**_'So throw those curtains wide!_ **

**_One day like this a year would see me right for life'_ **

He seems slightly surprised as I take his hand, blowing out candles as I go, leading him to my bedroom.

Our shoes lie long forgotten under the table, his shirt lies on the floor outside, and as I turn my back to him silently presenting him with the zip to my dress, he doesn't hesitate, gently tugging it down my back, his tongue trailing down my spine behind it. It has no arms and easily falls away, and I step out of it completely unselfconsciously.

Again he doesn't seem to notice his exclamation is out loud as he mutters, _"WOW..."_

_"Liv...I didn't think it could get any better than that dress, but...wow..."_

I enjoy watching his reaction, as his eyes greedily take me in, how he unthinkingly licks his lips as he gazes at me.

He runs his index finger along the delicate, edge of the bra cups, slowly slipping it down to circle the nipple through the fabric of the pretty underwear.

When his tongue takes over for his finger, I have to concentrate to undo his belt. I don't bother to pull it out through his pants, impatiently cupping the large bulge through the fabric. He moans softly as his hips involuntarily push into my hand. My other hand strokes his chest as I try to remind myself that I want him in just his underwear. I tear my hand away, undoing his pants hurriedly, and shoving them down his legs. He obligingly steps out of them and I gently push him back onto the bed. He easily pulls himself up the bed, once again checking, I'm not having second thoughts, as he gestures me to him. I crawl up the length of the bed trying not to laugh as I worry about how to make crawling up a bed look sexy.

I hear him take a deep breath as he pulls me on top of him. Once again I'm reminded of how gentle he has been with me, when he has no trouble positioning us, as he wants. His leg is pushed in between mine; using it to gently rub between my legs with soft, slow movements, as his hands caress my breasts.

Green eyes flick to me as his hands reach for the clasp on my back, silently asking for permission before undoing it and pulling my bra off.

I try to reach his chest with my mouth, as my hand reaches for his hardness but he grasps one of my nipples in his mouth, teasing it with barely there licks before lightly scraping his teeth across it.

I move off him, and immediately he stops, checking that I'm ok, _"Liv?"_

I nod softly, continuing to let my hands explore his skin.

 _"Are you sure about the bed?"_ he whispers.

I nod again _"I want to make out with my boyfriend, in comfort..."_ A huge smile greets my words. _"I just didn't really like lying over you..."_

His hand unthinkingly starts to stroke where it lays on my stomach as he thinks for a moment, before sitting up and pushing pillows behind him. He holds his hand out to me, as he pulls me to straddle his lap.

My two hands go to his chest, as we sit face to face, and when I roll my hips against him, I can feel his fabric-covered erection grind against me.

This position feels much better, and I start to kiss across his collarbone, my hands familiarizing themselves with as much of his skin as I can.

 _"Mmmmm I'm really enjoying this date...I think you'll probably get a second..."_ I tease him softly, whispering right in his ear as I press my chest up against his bare torso.

 _"Good, I'd like a lot more..."_ he mutters after trying to scowl at me, but finding himself unable to completely hide his smile.

I shift back down his legs pulling at the waistband of his underwear, and he lifts up slightly, to allow me to pull them down. I shuffle off him for a second, as he kicks them away, quickly pulling me back to him.

I reach for him immediately, wrapping my hand around his length, my fingers exploring to see where he is most sensitive. His hands continue to caress and stroke me as I investigate, and he licks my neck, _"Raf..."_ I moan, as his lips and tongue work on the sensitive flesh of my pulse point, _"Are you really not shy?"_

He cups both of my breasts in his hands as he looks up to me, shaking his head questioningly.

_"Would you maybe...I'd like to see how you enjoy to be touched, where is most sensitive...?"_

As his fingers graze my nipples again, I fall silent temporarily.

He looks at me questioningly again.

 _"I want to know what you enjoy..."_ I whisper as I sit back a little.

He nods, as his hand reaches up to stroke my cheek lightly. My hands stroke his legs where I straddle him, as he takes his penis in his hand. I watch how he moves, where he pays particular attention to, how fast he moves, as my hands continue to stroke any skin I can reach.

While his hand is wrapped around the tip, I reach for him, touching his testicles as I have just seen him do. When my hand wraps around his length again, he withdraws his own, laying it on my hip, as I start to try and replicate his movements.

I lean forward and before he can question me, I flick the sensitive tip of his penis with my tongue. He groans softly, _"Liv, you don't have to...",_ he starts to say, but as my tongue repeats the motion his words falter.

I look up at him, _"I want to...I want to pleasure you, to get to know your body...this is something I used to enjoy..."_

I can see a slight doubt in his face as I hold him, and lick up the underside of his erection. There is a slight tension in me, as I wrap my mouth around his tip, but none of the memories, none of the pictures I was afraid would flood my mind, are there. There are just **no** similarities between this and **that** ,...I want to feel him, to touch him with my lips, my tongue, and I can feel my body continue to respond to him.

He starts to run his hands through my hair as I continue to allow my tongue to roam his length, but he seems to think better of it, afraid that the action might be too triggering.

The sensations are familiar and very pleasant, but a tiny voice inside me cautions me not to push too hard, so I use my mouth and hand together to stimulate his whole length. When my eyes flick to his, he is clearly enjoying my touch, and the image before him.

 _"Liv..."_ , his words are strangled and I can see how close he is, so I move my hand faster, stroking his chest, as I sit up and flick, first one nipple, then the other with my tongue.

 _"I want you to feel pleasure, I want to be able to share these feelings with you, don't hold back Rafael..."_ I whisper.

As I see him orgasm, I feel so...in the moment...so in control...there is no past, no horrors, I just want him, I want to continue this exploration, my body is so turned on...

There is no thought as my hand moves down to between my own legs, when I feel his hips moving gently, and his erection pulsing in my other hand. My body is demanding attention, and I'm not embarrassed to act on my desire.

Immediately after his climax he is too sensitive, and he gently stills my hand on him, his eyes glued to the hand that moves against my panties. He reaches for tissues and cleans us up quickly.

 _"Liv, can I touch you?"_ , he whispers, his breath still gasped.

I just nod as his hand joins mine, and I lift up slightly, on my knees, as he slides one finger along me.

 _"Can I?"_ he asks as his fingers hook into the waistband of my underwear. Again a small nod is his answer, and I withdraw my leg from over him so he can pull my panties down, lifting my knees one at a time, until my underwear has been thrown to one side.

 _"Lie down Liv..."_ he asks quietly.

I eagerly lay down beside him as he moves to lie alongside me, pulling a pillow under our heads. We lie face to face, on our sides as his finger slides along me once more, this time unhindered by my panties, and instead of feeling conscious of my wetness, all I can concentrate on, is how good his touch feels.

He pulls me to him, kissing me deeply as he gently pushes a knee between mine, spreading my legs a little, and allowing him more access to me. His fingers slowly tease me...

 _"Rafael..."_ I breathe softly, as his finger grazes my clitoris gently, and he sucks a nipple into his mouth and his other hand strokes my side from under my arm, all the way down to my thigh.

His mouth moves further down my body, as his fingers continue to stroke me so gently. The kisses that trail all the way down my torso stop just above where his hand is working.

_"Liv, I don't want to pressure you, I just want you to know how much I want to feel you, to touch you, to lick you..."_

I was so totally consumed by the pleasure of his touch that I had barely even registered how close to his hand, his mouth has gotten, and when I do look at him kissing my pubic mound, feel his tongue so close to where his finger is circling my clitoris, I'm not sure if I want to stop him.

He seems to sense I'm undecided, so he continues to kiss and lick, moving down to my inner thighs, careful to watch for any reaction that might mean his attentions were unwanted, but they are so welcome, as I slowly roll over onto my back.

He continues to stroke me and play with my clitoris, and when I look down, I see he is lying between my legs, his mouth kissing and licking my inner thighs...I don't feel vulnerable or 'on display'...I don't care how wet I am...this feels amazing...

I know he won't ask for permission, I told him I didn't want him to do that, and he would never do something without permission, so if I want to feel that incredible tongue where I'm imagining it, I will have to ask him.

 _"Raf..."_ my voice is so hoarse, so I clear my throat softly, _"Rafael, I want to feel that incredibly talented tongue...on my clitoris..."_

He smiles up from his position further down the bed, " _Are you sure? I don't want to pressure you, I just need you to know it's something I want to do..."_

There is no hesitation as I nod, _"I'm sure, Rafael...you're driving me crazy...I want to feel your tongue..."_

He eagerly moves his mouth back up to my mound, slowly kissing, licking down to where his finger had been teasing my clitoris. He breathes warmly onto me, as his tongue licks up over the bundle of nerves. He moans and the sensation is incredible, as his tongue moves and my knees automatically bend and my legs spread as wide as possible.

He knows how nervous I was of this sex act, so he moves a finger closer to my vagina, stroking the outer lips, giving me time to object to his intended action if I want to, but instead my hips rock slightly, making my desire clear.

He has seen me touch myself and he has clearly taken note of what I enjoy as his mouth sucks on my clitoris and his finger slowly slips inside me.

It just feels incredible.

It feels like my body is about to burst open as his tongue and finger continue to work. I'm sweating and the heat is still growing inside me. It feels like every muscle in my body is tensing, and still the pleasure grows. He seems to feel how close to a climax I am and he quickly flicks his tongue over my clitoris until all the building pressure is released, in a flood of intense pleasure.

He continues to move, prolonging my orgasm for an eternity, until I can take no more and I pull my hips back. He is very conscious of my subtle signals so I don't need to say anything he immediately stills his movements.

He moves to gently lay his head beside my shoulder as I try to stop panting.

_"Oh my god Rafael..."_

He smirks at me, as I lay my forehead against his, turning to wrap an arm around him. He once again mirrors my actions pulling my body to him.

_"You're incredible Liv..."_

_"I'm sorry it has taken so long, so much heartache to get to this point Rafael."_

_"Don't ever apologize to me for that, Liv, **never**..."_

I silence him quickly with a gentle kiss.

 _"Tonight has been amazing,"_ I whisper, _"Not just this, but dinner...the fact that you made so much effort for me, that you included Noah..."_

I'm trying to control my emotions as I stroke his cheek.

_"What I'm trying to say...is I feel the same...I don't know that I can say the words, but I do. I went into 1PP and IAB today and told them I needed to disclose a relationship, that Rafael Barba was my boyfriend, and I liked the way it sounded. I was nervous going, so I read over the 12 things again...I guess I just couldn't see how you could want me, why you would be willing to put up with all of this...but you are always here for me...you are helping to fix me...and I want to be happy...with you, I'm happy..."_

**_'So throw those curtains wide!_ **

**_One day like this a year would see me right for life'_ **

 

* * *

 

 

_**'But you're still alive, and I just thought maybe someone should tell you.'** _

_**I just wanted to borrow CJ Hale's final words from the "12 Things No One Told Me About Sex After Rape" to finish.......Thanks for reading.** _

 


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